Uncle Gary's Campfire Stories: Bayou Zombie Werewolves

by Visada, J. L. M.

  Danior considered killing Jessup before the man would have time to figure out how to change on his own. Right now he was still newborn, but in a few days he’d be able to change at will. Then he could become dangerous. He might even challenge for Alpha. Danior snarled. “Kneel, and swear your allegiance.”

  Digger stopped biting Jessup and said, “Kneel? You’re not the boss of me!” Jessup rose to his feet. He was still holding the tiny armadillo. “Let me at this asshole! I’ll have his balls for a necklace.” Digger started ranting about how nobody tells him what to do. The thought that the little albino might somehow be any kind of threat at all to the Alpha was so pathetically silly that Jessup couldn’t help but laugh. Unfortunately Jessup was the only one that could hear Digger’s rants. So they all assumed he was laughing at the Alpha. Laughing at the Alpha was the absolute worst thing he could do if he wanted to survive.

  Danior sighed and flung Jessup into a tree. The tree had one branch broken. All that was left was a sharp point, and four foot of remaining tree branch. Jessup hit the sharp pointed branch and it went through his heart and burst out through the front of his chest. The man slid all the way to the trunk of the tree, and then slumped. Green blood ran down from his body. Digger fell from the man’s hands and ran at Danior. Digger screeched and squealed as he picked up speed. Just as he was about to bite the man’s leg, Danior brought his leg back and kicked Digger like he was some type of psychotic soccer ball.

  The armadillo went sailing over the tree line. He was still going up when they lost sight of him. Then Danior turned and started walking away. Jimbo followed his Alpha. Lula Mae stared at the naked man impaled on the tree. “I guess we aren’t going to have waffles afterall. Byeeeee!” The young girl skipped happily after Danior and Jimbo.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Yee-haw!” Bobby screamed as he rode the nuclear bomb out from the plane. He kicked its sides, and rocked back and forth like it was a bucking bronco. The bomb was traveling just a shade over two hundred and miles an hour after falling just ten seconds. Bobby was going to go out in a blaze of glory that would make Slim Pickens’ Dr. Strangelove character, T.J. “King” Kong, proud. Bobby didn’t have a cowboy hat to wave, but he did have an old trucker cap that had a six pack on it, and some crawfish. At the bottom in big block letters it said:

  “COONASS FORPLAY”

  Bobby waved that cap proudly as he fell another ten seconds. He’d actually started going through the clouds now. Everything was wet, and he couldn’t see six inches in front of his face. “Hey Coonass…whatcha doin?” Colton’s voice snapped him out of his happy little suicide drop.

  “Colt? What the fuck man! You shouldn’t be here.”

  “Where else would I be? Besides…it isn’t like you could do this yourself.”

  “I’ve got this Colton.” Bobby growled.

  “Please. We both know you can’t hardly do anything without me. Frankly I’m just surprised you can take a piss without asking me to shake your dick for you.”

  “I don’t need you. I can do this all on my own.” Bobby snapped.

  “Really? You’ve been riding my ass so long you don’t even know where you end and I begin anymore.” Colton’s voice was cold and angry.

  “Shut up!” Bobby screamed. He didn’t want to admit it, but the little fat redhead did have a point.

  “Hey Coonass? Did you ever wonder what might have happened if I never became sheriff? Maybe you’d have gotten Sarah instead of that psychotic bitch you chained yourself to for all those years. Maybe you’d have the nice house? Maybe you’d get the great sex, and not have people looking at you funny when they see that little half-black daughter that everyone knows isn’t yours.”

  “SHUT UP!” Bobby screamed and slammed his fist down onto the bomb, but instead of hitting metal, he struck flesh and bone.

  “Ow…so that’s how it is. I let you ride along with me all these years, and the first chance you get you beat my brains in.” Colton groaned.

  “W-w-w-what? N-n-no! I didn’t…I mean I never meant to…I mean…”

  They finally made it through the clouds. Bobby looked down and saw Colton dead. The pudgy redhead’s skull was busted open like a cracked egg, and brains were continually pouring out. “You killed me Bobby.” Colton’s corpse groaned.

  “I didn’t…I mean I didn’t mean to.” Bobby was crying. “I’m sorry Colt. You know I’d never do that on purpose.”

  “It’s okay. Just promise me you’ll take care of Sarah.”

  Bobby’s head bobbed up and down, “Yeah…sure, but don’t leave me Colt…COLT!!!!”

  Bobby watched in horror as Colton morphed back into a strangely penis shaped nuclear bomb. It even had two balls attached so that Bobby could use them as footrests. The giant head began to point down, and that’s when he saw Sarah. There was no ground to be seen, only the giant naked body of Sarah Mudd. Her legs were spread in anticipation for when Bobby arrived with his giant nuclear penis-bomb. “Oh Bobby…you don’t know how I’ve wanted this.” She traced the inside of her thighs with her hands, and then Bobby watched with mounting excitement as she ran those fingers up her beautiful body. She lingered on her breasts. Her fingers teasing and tweaking both nipples until they stood out from her giant mountainous breasts like two silos.

  “No…I can’t. Colton-“

  “Colton said to take care of me…now get down here and give me what you know I need.” Sarah cooed as she lifted her hips up to the man. He was rock hard, and he wanted this, but as he got closer the pressure kept building.

  “Hey Buddy…you can always say no. A real friend would just go down there and be a shoulder for her to lean on through these hard times. A real friend wouldn’t bang his best friend’s wife…even if his best friend was dead.” A tiny little fat redheaded angel version of Colton popped up on Coltons’s right shoulder.

  “Fuck that! What you need right now is to get angry and bang her until she can’t even remember my name. Come on Coonass! Get mad and unleash that hot load all over her! Just think of your ex-wife Sue and all those assholes she humped in your bed. You remember how she hated Sarah. So get down there and give my wife some viciously angry sex from a man that hasn’t gotten a decent lay in years. Don’t stop until she’s in an orgasmic coma! The best kind of friend is a friend that would help her forget all about me.” An evil red devil version of Colton popped up on Bobby’s left shoulder.

  The angel and devil Colton’s screamed and argued. The fall was taking forever, and Bobby just sat there and watched as the two Colton’s jumped down onto the penis-bomb and started fighting.

  “He should respect our marriage.” Angel-Colton screamed as he threw a right-cross.

  “He should eat that pussy like it’s the antidote!” Devil-Colton yelled as he kicked his angelic doppelganger in the groin.

  “He should be a shoulder to lean on.” Angel-Colton said as he poked his devilish twin in the eyes Three Stooges style.

  “He should let her bounce on his dick like a pogo stick.” Devil-Colton retorted as he head-butted his copycat right on the bridge of the nose.

  “Who cares about Sarah…let’s have a tea party!” A tiny Colton appeared on top of Bobby’s head wearing a tutu, cowboy boots with spurs, a pirate eye patch, and giant rainbow colored afro bought from some party supply place. He even had a tiny pet monkey on his shoulder wearing the same thing. Bobby, the angel version of Colton and the devil version of Colton all stopped and looked up at this third version of Colton.

  “What the fuck are you wearing?” The Colton’s of heaven and hell both asked simultaneously.

  “Oh come on…it’s his dream. When am I going to ever get to wear any of this cool stuff? Look! I can make my afro dance.” The third Colton said as he bobbed and shook his head. The rainbow afro started swaying and bouncing. “Doesn’t that look cool?” The third Colton’s dancing afro just seemed to let the steam out of the devil and angel Colton’s argument. Instead of fighting they just stood there looking emba
rrassed to be seen with the third Colton.

  “Oh yeah! Give it to me Coonass!” Sarah moaned like a cat in heat below them. The three Coltons bent over to look down at the sexy blonde.

  “Damn she’s fine.” Devil-Colton said.

  “Race you down there.” Angel-Colton said after a long, slow wolf-whistle.

  “I’ll call it.” The third Colton said. “One…Two…” Then the third Colton ran down the end of the penis shaped bomb and dove off like it was a diving board.

  Both of the remaining Coltons stared in confusion at the exact spot where their triplet jumped off and asked, “What now?” That’s when they both received text messages on their tiny cell phones with the number three on it. It took them a moment to realize what it meant, but then they both screamed, and then they both leapt off the edge as they tried to beat one another to their wife.

  Bobby watched the three falling spread-eagle like Wil E. Coyote. They each landed with a heavy thump in her neatly trimmed pubic hair. Little Colton shaped dust clouds rose up from their impact points. Tiny, flattened, Colton’s rose up. They put their thumbs into their mouths and blew. Arms, legs inflated back to normal first, then their torsos, and finally their heads.

  Of course that was where the similarities to Saturday morning cartoons ended. Suddenly tiny little zombies crawled out from behind Sarah’s pubic hair. They swarmed the three Coltons like ants and tore them apart. Within seconds they’d eaten everything…even the bones.

  “Holy shit! And I thought Sally Mae’s crabs were bad.” Colton screamed. He was getting closer, and as he got closer Sarah’s pubic zombies gathered just above her clitoris in anticipation for the man’s landing. They were in such a frenzy that they began eating one another. As they cannibalized one another, they grew in size and stature. Millions of tiny little zombies, became thousands of man-sized flesh-hungry predators.

  Bobby was coming in hard and fast. He leaned over and hugged the giant penis bomb to keep from sliding off when he made impact. The zombies stood waiting to tear him apart once he landed. Bobby was just about to crash his giant penis shaped bomb into the newly widowed Sarah Mudd’s wet entrance when it exploded prematurely.

  The blast melted his clothes to his body, and burnt off all his hair, but other than being incredibly sore and smelling like cheap barbeque…he was essentially fine. Of course he still had about two hundred more feet to fall. His body slammed against giant Sarah’s labia majora. He’d not only went off too early, he’d missed his mark completely.

  By the time he got back to his feet the zombies had already made their way down to the man. They started grabbing at him, and laughing. Bobby tried to fight them off, but there were too many, and they were too strong. They ripped his legs off first, and then his arms. Then one of the zombies found a knife and started serving him like cake to the others. Before long all that was left was his head, and his penis. “Somebody…help me.” Bobby begged weakly.

  Colton reappeared in front of him as a half-eaten zombie. Both eyes were already rotted out of his head, and half his face was peeled away showing his jawbone and teeth. “You know…this never happened to me when I tried to have sex with Sarah.” The zombified Colton laughed. “Maybe you should have thought about baseball? You might not have gone off so soon.” He tried to grin, but he could only manage a smirk considering he was missing all the flesh off one side.

  A zombified Sarah then appeared beside him. The zombie host gave her a plate with his penis on it. Her skin was mottled, and rotted through in places. Rib bones were exposed, and Bobby could see through the exposed ribs into her chest. Beetles crawled in and out of her mouth as she smiled at Bobby like he was an adorable little puppy. Maggots eating at her heart, but even with everything wrong with her…Bobby still thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. He just didn’t want to kiss her quite so badly anymore.

  The host zombie handed the zombified Colton Bobby’s head. Colton started using his knife to cut through the skull to get to the chewy brain. Meanwhile Sarah daintily cut off the tip of his penis and brought it to her mouth. She was just about to eat it when grinned and said, “Bobby…you know it would never have worked out between us. We’re just too different. You’re a dumb Cajun with that digs septic tanks for a living. You’re a man that makes his living off of other people’s shit. You couldn’t have handled me anyway. Afterall…I’m a real maneater.” Sarah popped the chunk of his penis into her mouth and swallowed.

  “OH SHIT!” Bobby screamed and popped up. The his tiny, round, red, donut shaped pillow was stuck to his face.

  “Bobby? You okay in there?” It was Sarah’s voice. She was calling from the kitchen.

  “Yeah…just a nightmare.” Bobby groaned as he tried to peel the little donut shaped pillow off. Unfortunately the wound on his ear bled most of the night, and the dried blood practically glued it to his face. Bobby tugged it a few more times, and then gave up.

  It was still attached when he walked into the kitchen. Sarah took one look and gasped. Then she covered her mouth to keep herself from snickering. Every time she tried to say something she had to stop and cover her mouth to keep from laughing. Eventually she found some measure of control over herself “Bobby…why do you have that on your face?”

  “I needed a pillow, so I borrowed one of Colton’s inflatable pool toys. The blood from my ear has it stuck on pretty damn good.”

  Sarah sucked in both lips, and then bit down on them both while they were inside her mouth. It was a desperate attempt to avoid laughing. It took another minute before she was calm enough to even attempt an explanation, and even then her eyes were bugging out of her head from trying to keep the laughter inside. “Bobby. Do we have a pool?”

  “No.” He replied.

  “Have we ever had a pool?” She asked. Tears were running down her face from the strain of holding it all inside.

  “No…now why do I get the feeling I’m about to feel really stupid.” Bobby asked nervously.

  “Because you just slept on the pillow the doctor gave Colton for his hemorrhoids a while back.” Sarah spoke as seriously as possible. She didn’t want Bobby to think she was making a joke, or making fun of him. Unfortunately her body was less than cooperative. Her body jerked as if to laugh, but she reigned it back in. Then, as if the pressure of holding it in was just too much for her, a little spray of air squirted out of her mouth. She slapped both hands over her mouth to keep it from happening again.

  She might have kept from cracking up, but the sudden knowledge that Bobby’s face was now attached to something that Colton’s butt had been on sent the man into a panic. He grabbed and pulled at the hemorrhoid pillow as if his life depended on it. He was so determined to get it off that he fell onto the ground and began spinning and twisting around on the floor to pry it off.

  *SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*

  The hemorrhoid donut tore off like extra-sticky duct tape. “Ow! Holy hell that hurt.” Bobby screamed.

  Sarah was still watching the man. She was trying desperately not to laugh, and then she snorted. She didn’t mean to. She’d tried not to, but it came out all the same, and when it did…so did everything else she was trying to keep in. She chuckled, giggled, snickered, laughed, snorted, and even roared with laughter. When it was over she was gasping, “Oh God…my ribs hurt, and if I laugh anymore I might pee myself.”

  “Well…that’s what I’m here for I guess.” Bobby gave a crooked grin. Her laughter hurt his pride a little, but the fact he knew she tried so hard to keep from doing it soothed his wounded ego enough.

  “Colton is checking out a few places this morning. He said he’d be back around noon. Do you want anything?” Sarah asked.

  “NOTHING AT ALL!” Bobby yelped. Sarah eyed him suspiciously. It was an innocent question, but after his nightmare he was a little hyper sensitive to anything even slightly hinting at something possibly sexual.

  “Are you sure? I could make some pancakes.” She a
sked sweetly.

  Finally Bobby’s brain returned to its full and upright position. “Umm…yeah. Could you please?”

  Sarah smiled and started getting the ingredients. It wasn’t long before she had the first light and fluffy pancake on the plate. She poured the batter out for a second. “So…did you sleep okay?”

  Bobby froze.

  “Bobby?” Sarah turned around and looked at the man. His face was one giant bruise, a bit of his left earlobe was missing, and the wound was already crusty and covered in dried blood. He looked terrible, but that wasn’t all. He was white as a sheet, and looked terrified. “Bobby? Well say something…you’re scaring me.”

  “You’re both…very loud.” Bobby’s voice was just barely above a croak.

  “We’re loud? What do you mea…? OH!” Sarah gasped as she realized what Bobby was implying. Her face flushed bright red. “Oh God Bobby…I’m so sorry about that. I just…and Colton…and then we…” Sarah fought for words to explain it without giving out way too much information to the man. Finally she threw up her hands and sighed, “Shit. Well I’m not sure whether to apologize for keeping you up, go die of embarrassment, or slap you for being a dirty little pervert and listening in all night instead of telling us to quiet it down.”

  “Listening in? Listening in! Sarah…it’s just a good thing your neighbors live as far away as they do, or they’d call in on you two for a loud noise disturbance.” Bobby laughed.

  “I think Colton would actually see that as some kind of weird accomplishment.” Sarah chuckled, and gave Bobby a million-dollar smile.

  “Yeah, of course there’d be no living with the little Oompa Loompa after that. He’d probably frame the complaint, and put if over your fireplace.”

  Sarah laughed, “Yeah…that does sound exactly like something my hubby would do.” Her face lit up when she talked about Colton. It wasn’t hard to see that even after all these years she still was madly in love with the short, fat, redhead.