Kin

by Lesley Crewe

  She didn’t know how long Ewan had been back. He had several piles of flat beach rocks ready, but he didn’t move or disturb her.

  Lila looked at him. “She’s dead, isn’t she?”

  “She’s in the next room with Freddy.”

  “Oh, that’s good. That’s right, she’s with Freddy.”

  “The sun is going down.”

  “Okay.”

  Ewan took the large blanket and fixed it like a sleeping bag in the hollow under the roots of the ballerina tree. Lila swaddled Caroline in her baby blanket and kissed her face. Ewan took her and placed her in between the thick blanket. Lila put toy Freddy next to her and tucked her in like she did every night.

  “Goodnight, sweetheart. Mama loves you.”

  As Ewan slowly layered the rocks that would form a barrier to entomb her child, Lila put her head in her hands and rocked back and forth. Ewan took his time, making the rocks a work of art. Then he set about covering it up with moss and dirt, branches and leaves, so that no one would be able to see anything. The space disappeared before their very eyes.

  They sat together and watched the sun set over the water, spreading its pink and purple light onto the ballerina tree itself.

  “How am I supposed to live? What do I do? It would be so much easier to be dead. Kill me, Ewan. Please kill me and bury me here.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  She leaned on him heavily the whole way home.

  * * *

  When Ewan pushed David to the ground, everyone was still in shock about what had happened, and having Lila disappear with Cricket in her arms was the final straw. Henry was concerned about Annie, but she refused to sit down. She paced outside, cursing God and everything she had ever believed in. Henry attended Aunt Eunie and Uncle Joe, who were in shock, as well as Annie’s parents. Kay tried to console David, but he was having none of it. At one point David bent over and Annie knew he was in distress with his stomach. Kay went up to him and rubbed his back. He straightened up and shrugged her off.

  “Will you stay away from me? I can’t deal with your sympathy right now. You’re smothering me. Go in the house, for God’s sake.”

  Kay glanced at Annie before she left his side. He walked over to his sister and threw his hands in the air. “What are we supposed to do? Just stand here until they feel like coming back? Where are they?”

  “You know where she is, and you’re never telling anyone. Do you understand me? No one. Lila is suffering enough. Oh God, how am I supposed to have these children when she’s lost Caroline? I’m having two.”

  “Who does that guy think he is, threatening people like that? Who’s he to Lila?”

  “He’s Caroline’s father.”

  David looked at her with incredulity. “What?”

  “I can’t say for sure, but I always had a hunch it was Ewan. Oh God, I feel so badly for them.”

  “That backwards numbskull? I don’t believe it. Never. And don’t you dare feel sorry for him. You should feel sorry for me! I’ve gone out of my mind all these years and for what? All this didn’t have to happen.”

  Annie needed to sit down, but there was nowhere handy. “Why are you yelling at me? Why should I be sorry for you?”

  “Because I’m Caroline’s father! I’m her father and I lost my little girl today, so who’s that guy to tell me I can’t see my own child.”

  Annie felt her stomach contract with a sharp pain. She stared at David. “Yours?”

  “Yes! And Lila never let me tell anyone. Why was I the one left out? I loved her and that baby and now the dream is gone.”

  Annie hauled back and punched David right in the face. He stumbled backwards and almost fell.

  “You bastard. Stay away from me and stay away from Lila. Go back to the city and pretend to love your wife. That way we can forget all about you.”

  Annie rushed back to the house and saw Kay standing inside the screen door. “Get your husband out of here.”

  “Why? What’s the matter?”

  Annie saw Ewan walk out of the shadows, now carrying Lila. She hurried over to them. “Come inside. You both need to rest.”

  David stumbled away in the dark. Kay ran down the porch steps and after him, calling his name.

  Ewan carried Lila into the house. Everyone started wailing again. Aunt Eunie jumped off the kitchen chair. “You left her in the woods? Oh my god, Lila, how could you? I’m going to be sick.” Uncle Joe hurried after her into the bathroom, where the sound of vomiting went on and on.

  “Take her upstairs,” Henry told Ewan.

  “Can I help?” Mom fretted in the background.

  “Take care of Eunie,” Henry said.

  Ewan carried Lila up the narrow staircase with Henry and Annie on his heels and gently placed Lila on the bed. Then he turned around and ran down the steps as fast as he could. Annie heard his truck start up and saw the headlights back down the driveway. Annie knew he was going home to an empty house, with no one to share his pain.

  Henry took Lila’s wrist and felt her pulse. “I have something that will help you, Lila.” He’d run back to his car at one point and retrieved his medical bag.

  “Please kill me, Henry. Please. I beg you.”

  Annie wept as she held her hand. “Don’t say that.”

  “I want to die. I need to be with her.”

  Henry gave her a shot. Lila kept whimpering, but soon her eyes were heavy and her head drooped to the side.

  “She’ll rest now,” Henry said.

  Annie perched on the side of the bed. “I have to stay with her. I need to be here when she wakes up.”

  “Okay, lie down.” Henry put a quilt over Annie and Lila. “I’ll be downstairs with Eunie and Joe.”

  “Don’t let David in here.”

  “Why?”

  “He says he’s Caroline’s father. I could kill him with my bare hands.”

  “Never mind all that. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Shock can do that to people.”

  Annie wasn’t going to argue with him. She turned towards Lila and stroked her hair. Henry went downstairs, where Annie heard Eunie still crying out and asking for Caroline. For one brief moment, Annie looked at her pillow. She could use it to smother Lila and put her out of her misery.

  She chickened out.

  Lila slept through the night. Annie drifted off from time to time, but when she closed her eyes, all she saw was Ewan walking out of the woods with Cricket in her wet clothes. She rubbed her belly, wishing that her babies stayed like this forever. The world was too dangerous for little ones. What on earth would Lila do? How would she go on?

  Annie was awake when Lila began to stir at sunrise. When she opened her eyes, she looked at Annie. “What are you doing here?”

  Before she could answer, Lila’s face changed and she moaned in pain, with a deep sorrow that was unbearable to hear. “My baby, my baby girl.”

  They were the last words Lila spoke for two years.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  1952

  Lila spent most of her days sitting under the ballerina tree. Uncle Joe gave up trying to persuade her to do anything else; she refused to listen. He retired from his job at the fish plant to take care of his wife, since some days Aunt Eunie would have nothing to do with Lila. With her dementia getting worse, and their collective grief over Caroline, their home held a sadness evident even to strangers.

  All Lila knew was that she couldn’t breathe in the house and she didn’t want to see anyone either. Not even Annie, who now had twin boys and another baby on the way. David and Kay had a daughter themselves. It seemed everyone had children, and they were smart enough to make sure their children were safe, so they were allowed to keep them.

  On those quiet days alone in the woods, Lila would wait for a cricket to chirp, a sign that Caroline was all right. The fee
ling of relief when she did hear one was immediate. It meant her daughter still loved her.

  Over the many months, she eventually wore a path to the tree, which made it easier to get there at night. When the moon was full, she’d walk through the woods at midnight and sit with Caroline, overlooking the bay, where the moonlight shone down on the moving water. On darker nights she’d take a light, turning it off when she arrived.

  Caroline wasn’t tucked in her bed in the circle of Lila’s arms, but she was tucked up under the ballerina tree, in the circle of the earth, under a canopy of stars.

  This unorthodox burial caused heartache for others, and Lila knew it was selfish, but she didn’t regret it. It kept her sane.

  When she got back to the house one afternoon, she was surprised to see a car in the yard. No one ever came over except Ewan, who helped Uncle Joe with the occasional chore or brought fresh eggs for breakfast. At first she thought it might be Annie and she panicked, in case she had the boys with her, but she soon recognized it was Abigail, no doubt out to check on Aunt Eunie. She was the only friend who still visited, which made things very difficult and lonely for Uncle Joe.

  Lila thought about heading back to the woods, but she was tired and needed to lie down. When she went into the house, the three of them were sitting at the kitchen table having tea and the scones Lila had made that morning for Uncle Joe.

  For a moment she was a little girl again, coming into Abigail’s kitchen where everything was warm and fragrant and clean. Abigail still got the same big smile on her face when she saw Lila.

  “Lila, dear. It’s lovely to see you.” Abigail got up and gave Lila a hug. Lila nodded and smiled back.

  The minute Aunt Eunie turned her head and laid eyes on Lila, she winced. “Get that girl out of here. She stole my baby. I hate you! Go away!”

  It was one of Eunie’s bad days. Uncle Joe reached over and patted Aunt Eunie’s arm. “It’s all right, that’s Lila, our daughter. You love her.”

  “No. No I don’t.”

  Lila left the kitchen and went upstairs to sit on her bed. When Aunt Eunie was like that, the only thing to do was disappear. She and Uncle Joe learned that the hard way. It was difficult not to take it personally, but Aunt Eunie had good spells too. The trouble was they came less frequently now. But Lila knew deep down she had stolen Caroline away from the woman who single-handedly raised her for the first six months of her life.

  Lila didn’t blame Aunt Eunie for hating her.

  The commotion downstairs continued. The routine was for Uncle Joe to take Aunt Eunie into their bedroom and lie beside her so she’d calm down. If they were lucky she’d stay put for a little while. As the yelling and upset continued, Lila was thankful that Abigail was downstairs to help.

  Eventually there was silence, and then a knock on the door, with Abigail peeking through the railing as she climbed the stairs. “I hope you’re up for a little company.”

  Lila gestured towards the end of the bed for her to sit and then hugged a pillow and leaned against the headboard. Abigail settled herself on the soft mattress and bounced a little. “Remember the first time you saw this bed?”

  Lila nodded.

  “I’ve come to see how you are. I don’t expect you to talk to me, so you can relax.”

  They smiled at each other.

  “Annie got in a fight the other day. I told her it wasn’t very ladylike and she said since she has never been and will never be a lady, it didn’t matter. It was about you.”

  Lila went still.

  “We were in the grocery store and Joy and I were there to help with our grandsons—not that Joy lets me do anything. She’s the nicest woman, but put John or Daniel in front of her and she becomes possessed. Anyway, an old classmate asked Annie if her crazy friend was talking yet and Annie said yes, as a matter of fact she was, and did the classmate want to know what you said? The classmate nodded and then Annie yelled, ‘It’s none of your goddamn business, you stupid bitch.’ The hair pulling started and we were eventually thrown out of the store. You would’ve laughed.”

  Annie always had her back. Even though Lila didn’t want to meet the twins, her best friend understood and made it okay.

  Abigail cleared her throat and took a deep breath. “I want to tell you something, and I don’t want to be interrupted.”

  It was easy to see where Annie got her attitude.

  “Lila, you’ve done nothing wrong. I know you will blame yourself for the rest of your life, because that’s how mothers feel when their children die. No matter how they die. We lost a child when he was three. David was a baby at the time. My grandmother had scarlet fever and Coll walked into her bedroom when my back was turned for a minute. He became sick and despite our best efforts, passed away. David almost did too. I felt responsible. It was my fault.

  “The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I had to save David. I had another boy who needed me.

  “I remember once a teacher told us that the ancient Hawaiians would go up into the cliffs when a loved one died, to smash their teeth out against the rocks, or gouge their eyes out with sticks, and I wondered how anyone could do such a thing. Now I know. They do it to let the pain out.”

  Abigail stopped then and looked out the window before turning back to face her. “Caroline was your only child. If you needed to lay her to rest in a place that’s meaningful to you, you did the right thing. If you don’t want to talk for the rest of your life, that’s okay too. Everyone has the right to grieve in their own way and in their own time.”

  Abigail reached for her hand. “Lila, some people tan in the hot sun and some people burn. It’s not a choice. It’s who you are.”

  Lila put her hands over her face and began to rock, but she stayed silent. That was something she’d learned to do—cry without making a sound.

  It was a relief when Annie’s mother stayed quiet as well. Lila appreciated the company. It was lonely up there in the room, staring at Cricket’s empty crib night after night. She took the sheets and kept them under her pillow so she could fall asleep, breathing in the lingering scent of her baby.

  “There’s something else. David confessed to me his role in this story.”

  Lila looked up, afraid of what would come next.

  “Kenzie doesn’t know about it, and I won’t tell him. He never knew that David loved you like that, but I did. That’s why I didn’t raise you myself. I didn’t think it was fair to either of you to have to live under the same roof. I wasn’t sure how it was going to end, but now that David is married to Kay, I assume the infatuation has run its course.”

  When Lila didn’t indicate one way or the other, Abigail pressed her. “It is over?”

  “Yes.”

  Lila was as surprised as Abigail when the word came out of her mouth. It took them both a moment to recover. Lila coughed and cleared her throat. It felt odd and overwhelming to hear her voice again.

  “I’d like to ask you something else, then. Was David Caroline’s father?”’

  “I don’t know.”

  “Do you love Ewan?”

  “How did…”

  Abigail patted her knee. “I have eyes. That boy lives for you and you alone.”

  Lila had to get up and move around the room, opening and closing her mouth, almost afraid to keep speaking. She was in control when she was silent. Letting things out could be dangerous, but Abigail waited patiently.

  “I love Ewan as a friend. He and Annie are my best friends. But I’ve never been in love with him.”

  “What’s your definition of ‘in love’?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Every girl remembers her first love. David is ambitious and driven. His career is important to him. That’s not you, though. Love comes in many ways, Lila, not all of them earth-shattering. Love can be quiet, too. I married a quiet man and Annie married her best friend
. Don’t dismiss a man just because he’s never going to set the world on fire.”

  Lila struggled to say something, but she couldn’t. Abigail understood. She rose from the bed and gave her a hug. “If you ever need to talk about Caroline, you know where to find me.”

  When Abigail left, Lila collapsed on her bed. Her head pounded, as if her long-lost voice was shouting at her. She didn’t dare try to speak again. She was drained, her arms and legs melting into the mattress. What she wouldn’t give to go to sleep forever.

  * * *

  The only word for Annie and Henry’s house was lived-in. Gone were the days of trying to keep up with her mother’s standards. Two-year-old twins didn’t care about cleanliness, so Annie didn’t either. To her credit, her mom never pointed it out, although Annie knew she was probably itching to say something. Instead she’d come over and regale her with stories of when Annie was a baby.

  “I remember the time a very proper lady from the church came by and you crawled up beside her on the couch and let out a huge burp right in her face. She laughed, but that only encouraged you, so you continued to burp on purpose. I was mortified.”

  “You make it sound like I was a brat!”

  “You were.”

  The other major change was the addition they built on the house with a separate entrance so Henry could open his own medical practice and be around to help out in between appointments. That was the plan, anyway, but everyone in town wanted to be his patient, so he was quickly swamped. Annie hoped to one day help out as his nurse, but that was a long way off.

  In a flash of genius, Henry asked his mother if she’d like to be his receptionist, to keep her stuck behind a desk and a phone all day and not glued to Annie. Joy was always thrilled to see the patients and practically made them feel like guests. They always mentioned to Henry what a lovely woman she was as he listened with his stethoscope or took their blood pressure. That was at their first appointments. Once they got to know Joy, the compliments seemed to drop off.

  It was a warm April Fool’s Day, an anomaly in Cape Breton. The kind of day that made Annie look around and think she really did need to spring clean the house—but that urge quickly left. The problem with Henry was that he didn’t care if she cleaned the house or not. It was a nice problem to have.