by Lesley Crewe
Lila needed some of that.
The longer he kept her waiting, the more nervous she became. She didn’t want to get into trouble and was afraid of what he might say. This was probably a stupid idea, but she had no one else.
Entering the room with his white coat on and stethoscope around his neck, Henry appeared taller than he really was. He almost frightened her, but when he sat on the stool beside the examining table he smiled. “How are you, Lila?”
Immediately the waterworks started. He reached over and gave her a box of tissues. It all came out in a rush.
“Everyone hates me and I hate myself and no one is speaking to me—not that I blame them—but it’s almost October now and Ewan hasn’t said two words since this whole thing happened, and I miss Annie and Leelee!”
“You don’t miss me?”
She waved her tissue around. “Of course I miss you and the boys when they’re home and especially Annie’s mom. I’m so ashamed and I know she hates me. She’s been like a mother to me and I miss her. I don’t know where David is. It’s like I’m all alone in the world and I know I did a bad thing but I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. It was separate. It was private. It was nobody’s business and now everyone and his dog know how horrible I am…”
Henry held his hand up. “Okay. I think I get the picture. First of all, no one hates you. We all love you, as a matter of fact. And we love David. People make mistakes. You made a mistake. You’ve apologized and done as much as you can.”
“But no one is listening! No one is calling!”
Henry looked away as if to gather his thoughts. “I seem to remember someone who didn’t talk to us for two years. And we all understood. Lila, you’re going to have to be patient and let people come to you when they feel like it. I’m not suggesting that the two situations are even remotely similar; I’m saying that you need to believe that all these people that you miss so much will come back to you. But in their own time.”
Lila gave a big sigh and blew her nose. “You’re right. I’m selfish…”
“I didn’t say that. You’re lonely, that’s all.”
She blubbered once more, “I miss Annie!”
Henry waited for her to calm down. “And Annie misses you.”
She grabbed onto that glimmer of hope. “She does?”
“Of course she does.”
“Will you tell her I love her and I’m sorry?”
“I’ll tell her.” He rose off the stool and gave her a hug. It was the first human contact she’d had in four months. She didn’t let him go as he patted her back. “I better get out there or there will be a revolt in the waiting room.”
“Thank you, Henry.”
“Take care of yourself, Lila.”
* * *
Annie washed her face and brushed her teeth, then gave herself a close look in the mirror. Some sprouts of grey hair, a few wrinkles, especially around her mouth, which Henry said was from smoking, and a few small age spots, but all in all she didn’t look bad for forty-two. Her skin was still tight and she still had her slim body. As a matter of fact, she sometimes worried about being too bony.
She shut the bathroom light off and sat with her back to Henry on her side of the bed. He was still mired in hospital reports, his reading glasses at the end his nose. Annie gave the bottle on her bedside table a few pumps and began to rub the lotion onto her elbows.
“I’m taking Lee to the hearing clinic tomorrow. There’s another test they want to do.”
“Okay.”
“Next it will be the eye doctor. I practically live in that office.”
“Okay.”
“I was talking to Mom and David is coming home soon.”
“Okay.”
David had sold the house in Glace Bay soon after that awful night and given the money to Kay and the girls. Then he’d left the country to do some “soul-searching,” as he called it.
“Apparently he’s going to live with Mom when he gets home.”
“Okay.”
Annie turned around. “Are you listening to me?”
“No, I’m reading.”
“I don’t want to see David when he comes home.”
Henry took off his glasses. “Don’t be ridiculous. Are you never going over to your mom’s house again? It’s time to let this go…speaking of which, Lila came to my office today to cry her eyes out and she wanted me to tell you that she loves you and she’s sorry.”
“I love her too, and she should be sorry.” Annie paused. “Don’t worry. I’ll be in touch when I stop this round of medical appointments with baby girl.”
“You’ve been not talking to your brother long enough. I wish I had a brother I could talk to.”
“That’s over and done with. The reason I don’t want to see him, if you want to know the truth, is that I was a little hard on him the night I went over to get Kay.”
“Oh, now I get it. You didn’t just get Kay and leave.”
“No.”
Henry sighed. “What did you say?”
Annie plumped her pillow before she got into bed and then pulled the covers over her head before she spoke.
“I called him a no-good, dirty rat, a selfish bastard, and a goddamn loser. I also said I didn’t want to see his stinkin’ face.”
“Oh, Annie.”
“Well, at least I didn’t call him an asshole.”
Annie and Leelee stopped into Mom’s the following week to get her large cake plate. The twins, who now worked in Halifax, were coming home for their twenty-first birthdays, and Annie and Henry were having a big barbeque in their backyard.
There was an unfamiliar car in the driveway. David was home.
Annie didn’t usually get nervous, but once a younger sister, always a younger sister. She wondered what he’d say, so she let Lee in the door first. As usual she ran straight for her grandmother, who bent down to give her kisses. “How’s my big girl?”
“I gots a sucker.” Lee pulled out the lollipop from her mouth and showed her grandmother her red tongue.
Annie put her purse on the table. “I swear that eye doctor has a deal with the dentist in that building. He’s forever giving her candy.”
Mom straightened up. “David’s home.”
“I see that. Where is he?”
“In his room. I’m making him a sandwich.”
“Didn’t take him long to make himself at home.”
“Don’t be like that. Go see him; I’ll keep Lee with me.”
Up the stairs she went, almost reluctantly, because it was going to be awkward and she had too many things to do before the boys arrived. His bedroom door was open and he was lying on the bed reading. She went as far as the door frame.
“Hey, you.”
He put down his book and smiled at her. She had to admit, he looked ten times better than the last time she saw him. He looked rested and the constant worried expression on his face was gone.
“Hi, Annie.”
“So, where the heck did you go? I could use some of that relaxation.”
“To hell and back. Sit down.”
She sat on the end of the bed. His big feet were only inches away, which reminded her of the time he’d made her smell his feet as punishment for taking his baseball glove without permission.
“I’m sorry I let you down—let the whole family down. I realize the mistakes I’ve made and I’ll be spending the rest of my life trying to get my daughters to love me again.”
“They still love you; they’re just really pissed at you. Like I was the night I took Kay back to Mom’s.”
“Were you there?”
Whew.
“Only for a minute. So Mom says you’re going to be staying with her.”
“I didn’t expect it. I was going to get an apartment in Sydney, but she said she was lonely here an
d felt safe with me around.”
“That’s rubbish. She wants someone to feed. Do you have a job?”
“I’ve been hired as a legal aid attorney.”
“Going to help the little guy.”
“Going to try.”
They looked at each other and Annie knew what he wanted to ask, but he was unsure if he should bring it up.
“No, I haven’t seen Lila. Henry did and she was a bit of a mess, saying she missed everyone. I needed time to forget the look on Colleen’s face before I talked to her again. I know you didn’t want to hurt your kids, but the fact is you did. And Lila did. But life is short and I will no doubt wander out to Round Island at some point and she and I will go for a walk on the beach and pick up where we left off.”
“I’m glad. Is she alone?”
“She’s married to Ewan. What do you think?”
“I think he’s a better man than I’ll ever be.”
“I think you’re right. So what are you and Kay going to do?”
“She wants a divorce, so that’s that.”
“Have you seen the girls?”
He nodded. “I met them at a coffee shop. Frankie was cool and detached as always. I felt about two feet tall when she looked at me. Colleen tried to be cool like her sister but you know Colleen. She got a lot off her chest. It’s a good thing we were in public. I’d hate to think what she would’ve said to me in private.”
“God love her.” Annie slapped her knees with the palms of her hands. “Okay. So we’re good?”
“We’re good.”
She looked at her watch. “Geez, I gotta go.” She stood up and ran down the stairs. “We’re having a barbeque for the twins tonight. Come over whenever.”
* * *
Lila finally snapped. It’s not like she was an axe murderer. She marched out to the barn at dawn one morning while Ewan was feeding the animals, walked right up to him, and pushed him. He didn’t move, of course; he was too big. But that didn’t stop her from doing it again and again.
“I’m here, Ewan! I’m here! Don’t pretend you can’t see me. I want you look at me. Look at me, goddamn it!” She punched his arms and kicked him in the shin.
He looked at her.
“I know what I did was wrong. If I could go back and change it I would. But I can’t do that, so I’m begging you to forgive me. I can’t take this anymore. I’m here but I’m not here. I feel invisible.”
“I know how that feels.”
His voice startled her. She couldn’t believe it had worked. She grabbed at his sleeves and tore the feed bucket out of his hand. “Hold me and say you’ll forgive me. I need you.” She tried to snuggle against his chest, but he kept his arms at his sides.
“You always need me, Lila.”
“You see? I do! I do!”
“You need me to find dogs and bury dogs and take care of you when I’m grieving for Joe. And worst of all Lila, worst of all, you needed me to find that sweet child and bury her for you. I am haunted every day of my life by the image of Caroline floating in that well. You’re not the only one who suffers.”
“Oh no, no, no…”
“What did David ever do for you? Was he here after you had the baby and almost died? Did he stick around to help when Caroline was growing up? Did he shovel your driveway or take you to the hospital or fix your roof or dig your potatoes?”
“You’re right. But I’m trying to explain. He was my first love. We were kids and we never had a chance to know what that meant.”
“Well, did it mean anything? Because it’s sure taken you long enough to figure it out.”
Lila hesitated and then gave him a look. “Did you know about David and I before Colleen arrived at our door?”
He looked away.
She started to hit him again. “What man lets another man take his wife and does nothing about it?”
“A man who knows that a wild filly comes back to the barn in her own good time.”
“Oh my god! How long did you know?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Why didn’t you fight for me, Ewan? Why didn’t you tell him you’d kill him if he touched me? You never get angry. I never know where I stand. I know you love me, but you never show it. You handle me with kid gloves.”
Ewan took her by the arms and shook her. “I may not be the most passionate man you’ll ever meet, but how dare you say I never show it? What have I been doing my entire life but show you? Every goddamn day. David wasn’t here, and yet he’s the one you dream of. I hate him for it and I hate you too!”
She was crying so much she could hardly breathe. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It was such a stupid thing to do.”
“Yes, it was.”
Ewan walked away from her and picked up the feed bucket once more. Lila hurried over to him and put her arms around his waist, pressing her cheek into his back. “I need to tell you something. Please listen to me. I love David because he gave me Caroline. I truly believe that. But you were Caroline’s dad. That was you. David was never with her, but you were. You’re the lucky one. We had three wonderful years with her. And if it wasn’t for you we may never have found her. You were the one I needed that day. We buried her together. I wanted no one else there. That’s love too. And our life here, this beautiful life is nothing but love. I had a girlhood fantasy about a boy I thought I loved once upon a time. But he was a boy. You were always the man in my life. All this time without you has been hell, absolute hell, and I know now more than ever that you are the only man for me. And I will always be very sorry for taking so long to realize it.”
He went very still and then put his big rough hand over hers and pressed it against his heart.
The early sun shone its rays through the open barn door, giving the interior a golden light.
That same sun was high in the sky when they walked back to the house arm in arm, bits of straw still clinging to their hair.
CHAPTER TWENTY
1975
Colleen and Frankie lived with their mother in a luxurious apartment in the South End of Halifax. Their mother and Frankie were thriving. They spent weekends shopping and going for lunch, hosting parties, and hobnobbing with other rich people.
“It’s like people with money sniff everyone’s ass until they find another rich person they can breed with.”
Colleen and her friend Nancy were lazing on her bed in scruffy jeans and t-shirts, their hair long and parted down the middle. Colleen knew her hairstyle drove her mother nuts. That’s why she had it.
Nancy chewed the straw as she sipped her soda from a can. “So when did your sister get engaged?”
“A week ago. They’ve already picked out their china.”
“Is he nice?”
Colleen loved to make things sound worse than they were, but she actually liked Edward Roth. “He’s okay. He’s weird looking in a romantic kind of way. Dark and brooding.”
“What does he do?”
“Who knows? Don’t most of them just manage their trust funds?”
“You’re the only rich person I know, so I couldn’t tell you.”
“It’s all a facade. I live off my grandfather. I don’t have a penny to my name.”
Colleen had disappointed her dad when she opted not to go to university. Everyone knew that Frankie was never going to go, so Colleen was the last hope. Instead she worked downtown at an old bookshop. It was there she met the few friends she had, all of them eccentric, or hippies, as her mother called them. Colleen said she was about a decade too late. Hippies had lived and loved in the sixties. The seventies were sort of boring by comparison, unless you went to rock concerts and got high, but no one really famous ever came to Halifax and she wasn’t the sort to fly off to attend a concert in Toronto.
Colleen made a point of leaving little bags of marijuana all over the house, hoping h
er mother would find them and think she led an interesting life, but Mom never seemed to notice. Or when she did she’d say, “Why does that new cook insist on keeping herbal tea around the house?”
Colleen was never cut out to be a drug addict anyway. The only thing she did when she smoked a joint was sit in a dark corner, alternately giggling and shouting, “Who’s there?!”
When Nancy left, Colleen got on the phone and called her Aunt Annie.
“Hey babe…what’s goin’ on?”
“Frankie’s getting married.”
“I know, she told me.”
“Frankie calls you?”
“Don’t sound so surprised. You’re not the only one who thinks I’m great.”
“How’s Lee?”
“Getting big. Sweet as always.”
“Have you seen Dad?”
“He’s working very hard. That’s all he does really. I keep telling him to have some fun, but he never listens to me.”
There was a knock at her bedroom door. “Who is it?”
“Me.”
“Sorry, Aunt Annie, the amazing Frankie wants to talk to me.”
“Ciao, babe.” Her aunt hung up.
“Come in.”
Frankie looked like a slob, her version of a slob anyway. Her jeans were old and she had on a sweater that was slightly too big. Her crowning glory was up in a ponytail. She sprawled on the end of Colleen’s bed.
“Mom’s got a date tonight.”
“Oh, goody. My forty-nine-year-old mother is having more sex than I am.”
“I keep telling you I can fix you up, but you’re never interested. Are you a lesbian?”
Colleen sat back against her headboard. “Geez, I never thought of that. Maybe I am.”
“If you like both sexes your chances of meeting someone doubles.”
“You’re a genius. I’ll get right on that.”
Frankie suddenly sat up and looked serious. “I need to talk to you.”
Colleen knew what was coming. “You don’t want me to be your maid of honour because I’m too big and I’ll ruin your wedding pictures.”
