Nowhere but Here: A Novel

by Renee Carlino

  I giggled into the pillow. “I’m starting to feel a little vulnerable and self-conscious here.”

  “Why? You’re beautiful, Kate. You have a beautiful body,” he said seriously, and then laughed. “And a really nice ass.” He bit my butt again.

  “Stop! You’re making me crazy.”

  “Am I? I’m just looking at you, at what’s mine.”

  “Listen, sailor, you don’t own me. I’m not yours.”

  “You’re right, I don’t own you.” He bent, still hovering, but his mouth came close to my ear. “I never want to own you, but you are mine. You’re mine to love as long as you’ll let me.” He released my arms and then turned me onto my back. Smiling, he said, “Can I kiss you now?”

  He didn’t wait for me to answer.

  • • •

  It was sunny the day we reached the winery. We were greeted by Susan and Guillermo and a very excited Chelsea. I learned that Susan had already begun planning the wedding and making travel arrangements for my family and friends in Chicago. She really was like a mother to Jamie, someone I felt would always be a large part of our lives. Her children were grown, and although she often laid on a thick layer of tough love, I knew underneath it she was a soft, loving, and warm person who put a lot of value on family.

  We settled into our life in the barn. Jamie said we should stop calling it the barn and start calling it our home. I loved him for that spirit. He built me a writing loft inside of it with a window that looked out onto the vineyard. I spent most of my days up there writing, and sometimes I would look out and feel like my life couldn’t possibly be real. I would sit up there and watch Jamie interacting with the other workers or operating some huge machine or just standing out among the sea of vines, staring up at the sky and marveling at his own life, the same way I did.

  Just Bob had sent me on a bit of a journey that year, and I didn’t blame him for making me think I should be closed off to love. I thanked him for showing me the contrast. It’s hard to know how green the grass is if you’ve never been on the other side of the fence. That’s the whole point, right? Sometimes I think that if I were preaching on the L to me from a year ago, I would simply say, “Live your fucking life, Kate, and let yourself be open to love.” But then I realize that’s not the kind of advice people understand and take. Everyone thinks they’re living their life.

  This is what I would really say: “Leave your life. Leave everyone you love, every care, every stress, every commitment. Live alone. Understand what it feels like to know that if you go into cardiac arrest, choke on a piece of hot dog, or get electrocuted, no one will find you. You’ll rot. No one will mourn you. Imagine this feeling haunting your thoughts for the rest of your life. You’ll wither and vanish, and some stranger will take care of your things and your burial, and you may not even get a placard. Imagine that, live it, and let yourself believe that you should be alone, and then go back to the people who love you.” That is what I would preach. That is the challenge I would present. Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and the readiness to show appreciation in return. On my journey, I learned what it felt like to live. To live is to be grateful.

  • • •

  The sky was cloudless and more beautiful than usual on the day of our wedding. Jamie looked gorgeous in a black vest over a white dress shirt. I watched him standing under an iron arch, waiting for the ceremony to begin. I was hidden behind the massive tent set up for our reception, but could see through an opening that the seats on both sides of the aisle were filling up. We didn’t have a wedding party, but we had invited all of the greatest people we knew. Susan, Guillermo, Chef Mark, and their families were there. On my side were all my new siblings and their significant others. Even my newly acquired grandparents and stepmother were there. I spotted Jerry and Beth and smiled really wide when I saw Dylan and Ashley take a seat.

  I watched Jamie for several moments. Sometimes you can learn even more about someone by watching them from afar. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and his hair was tousled messily. He was absolutely adorable, smiling at all of the guests. I could see the excitement coursing through him, and I could tell that he was touched by how many guests had come all that way to California for us.

  The ceremony was to be a casual affair at dusk, that magical hour when the sun tucks itself behind the hills but the sky still glows steadily. I left my hair down in soft waves against my back. My veil was attached to a wreath made of wildflowers, and my bouquet was a bunched-up cluster of daisies and poppies. I wore a vintage white lace and satin dress and very natural makeup. I wanted to marry Jamie purely, as we were, the way we saw each other.

  “There are a few things I need to say before I walk you down that aisle.”

  I turned to see Paul, my father, looking dashing as ever in his black suit. “Hi, Dad.”

  “Hi, sweetheart. First of all, Jamie is a lucky man. You’re beautiful and smart and you deserve to be cherished for the rest of your life. If you don’t think with a hundred percent certainty that Jamie will be able to do that, then I will bust you out of here in ten seconds flat. Just say the words. There’s still time,” he said in the most pragmatic tone.

  We both laughed. “I’m sure, Dad.”

  “Okay, fine. The next thing is that if you don’t know with one hundred percent certainty that you will be head-over-heels in love with Jamie forever and a day, then I will do the same—I will bust you out of here. That’s my job, if the need arises.”

  “You won’t need to do that. I know what Jamie and I have.”

  He nodded. “Okay, now, as for you and me, I want to make a promise to you that I will be here for you, no matter what, until the day I die. Even though you met your husband before your father, it doesn’t mean that you’re not still my baby, and I would do anything to protect you.”

  “I know,” I said and then kissed him on the cheek.

  “You have to promise me something.”

  “Yes.”

  “When you finish polishing that manuscript, you’ll send it to me first.”

  “I promise.”

  “Good, now we have a wedding to attend.” He stuck his elbow out to me, and without hesitation I took his arm. I watched Jamie the moment I turned the corner. There was a magical light in his eye as I came walking down the aisle. He watched me with wonder and amazement until I reached him, and then he smiled at me so beautifully it made my legs shaky. There were no words, just a knowing exchange from my father to Jamie, two cordial smiles and a handshake.

  He took my hand in his as we turned to face the officiant. Under his breath, Jamie said, “You’re even more beautiful than I imagined. How is that possible?”

  It took everything in me not to lean up and kiss him. Instead, I squeezed his arm and quietly said, “Thank you.”

  Our ceremony was like being in a bubble. I knew our loved ones were watching, but we were able to tune out the world and take each other in. I could tell when we read each other our vows that Jamie felt the same way, like we were the only people in the world.

  “Katy, my angel. Since the day I met you, I’ve been falling in love with you, and I vow to never stop. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be than by your side. Nowhere but here do I feel as whole and most genuinely me. I promise I will do the best by you and our children.” He swallowed and his eyes began to water. “I promise that these hands will hold you with passion and thoughtfulness and warmth and respect every day for the rest of my life.” I had never seen a man look so equally strong and sensitive. My lip began to quiver and my eyes filled with tears. He squeezed my hands, encouraging me to say my vows.

  “Jamie, you are my light. When I found you I could finally see the leaves on the trees and the intricate details in fabric. I could finally hear the birds calling to each other. I finally felt alive. I woke up when I met you, and you’ve given me more than you can imagine. I promise to never take
the love that exists within us for granted. I will stand by you no matter what, and I will be grateful. I will give you everything that I have inside of me for all the days of my life.”

  Without permission, we kissed. There were a few moments in that kiss where I lost track of where we were. His lips were so gentle but determined. When he finally broke away, he said, “I love you,” as if it were the first time he had said it.

  I smiled. “I love you, too.” In that moment, I finally became aware of the guests as they started to clap. My sister Skylar hit the first note on the piano, which cued us to walk back down the aisle and toward the tent. We walked hand in hand, saying hi to everyone and smiling. There was thrilling energy running between me and Jamie.

  Our reception was intimate and romantic. The tent was lined with white lights. Each of the long farmhouse tables had sunflowers and other wildflowers in vases running down the center. The food was impeccable, of course, thanks to Chef Mark, who had hired the best. I left the entertainment up to Jamie, so I was a little surprised that I didn’t see a DJ set up. Skylar played to us through dinner, and then just before it was time to cut the cake, I turned to Jamie. “What’s the entertainment?”

  With no trace of humor, he said, “Karaoke, of course.”

  “You’re kidding?” I was actually a little peeved.

  “I am kidding. I wouldn’t do that to you. The entertainment is my wedding gift, and it’s a surprise.” He smirked.

  “Oh, I’ll give you your gift later.” I winked.

  “You better. We have to consummate this marriage, you know.”

  “Oh, I think we’ve covered that.”

  He frowned. “You mean we’re not going to . . . on our wedding night?”

  “We can, but that’s not my gift to you.”

  “You’re gonna make me crazy thinking about it.”

  After we cut the cake, I noticed someone began setting up instruments on a little stage at the end of the tent.

  Two people took the stage, and as I got closer I recognized that it was Mia and Will Ryan, a musician couple that I had been following for a few years. They had their two young sons sitting at the front of the stage, their little legs dangling over the edge. One held a tambourine and the other had some sort of shaker. Will spoke into the microphone.

  “Good evening. My family and I are honored to be a part of this day.” He spoke confidently and clearly as he made eye contact with Jamie and me. Mia gazed over at him with the most tranquil and loving smile. “To exist in each other’s souls so strongly that you are bound without a physical tie is the greatest mark of love, and Jamie and Kate are lucky enough to be blessed with it.” He held up a champagne glass, as did the rest of the guests. “May your heaven be here on earth with each other always. To Jamie and Kate!”

  The whole group yelled, “To Jamie and Kate!” and clinked their glasses along with us. We kissed and then Mia took to the piano and Will picked up his guitar and they immediately went into an original upbeat song. Someone else played the bongos and another musician played the stand-up bass. The little boys played their instruments at the front of the stage as if they had done it a million times. It was a true family affair. Jamie took me in his arms, spun me around, dipped me, and then kissed me very seriously.

  “What do you think?” he said after catching his breath.

  “I am truly amazed. What did you have to pay to get them here?”

  “They were on the West Coast and needed very little convincing. They’re genuinely good people.”

  “Well, this is amazing.”

  He stared down at me, mesmerized. “I like this,” he said, pointing to the wreath that held my veil. “Truly, my angel, aren’t you?”

  “I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Jamie Lawson. I am so in love with you.”

  After Mia and Will wrapped up their set, we said our good-byes to them and then to the rest of the guests. Jamie seemed very eager to get back to our little house in the barn.

  We walked hand in hand through the dark vineyard until we reached the single light outside the door to our home.

  “Here we go,” he said as he swooped me up in his arms. Once inside, he kissed me near our bed, a very tender and loving kiss. He took my veil off and set it aside while he kicked his own shoes off. He unzipped my dress slowly and cautiously. I wore a white silk and lace slip underneath. “Wow, this is even better than the black.” I helped him remove his clothes and then I marveled at Jamie in all of his naked glory. There was one warm, soft light silhouetting him and shining on me. I traced his broad shoulders and defined arms. He kissed me on the mouth and traveled down until he was kissing me through the silk, down my side to my hip.

  “Jamie?” I said quietly.

  He was on his knees at that point as I stood in front of him. His hands traveled up the back of my legs and slowly pulled my lace panties down. Between kisses through the silk, he said, “Yes, what is it?”

  “I want to tell you about your gift.”

  He still had not looked up at me. He pushed me to sit on the edge of the bed and then began kissing a trail up my inner thigh. “Okay, tell me, baby,” he whispered.

  “You’re going to be a father.”

  He stopped kissing and looked up at me. There was so much love in his expression. I wished that I could bottle it. “Really?” Tears quickly filled his eyes.

  I smiled and began crying myself. “Yes. We’re going to have a baby.”

  He stood up, reached for the hem of my slip, and pulled it over my head, then he moved us up onto the bed together. He kissed everywhere and then stopped near my stomach and spoke quietly. “I loved you before you existed, and I’ll love you after I’m gone.” I felt a tear hit my belly. He kissed it away and then looked up at me. “Thank you. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

  “Me, too,” I whispered.

  Epilogue

  * * *

  Jamie

  Whispers, that’s what she calls them. They’re signs, small sounds, or little reminders, letting you know that there’s something bigger than us out there. That there’s a force working hard to make things right in the universe. That’s what she says, anyway. The whispers came to her in a dream. She believed that her fate was predetermined and that she had to follow these whispers or listen to what some grand power told her to do.

  I’ve never said it to her, but I know the dream was a manifestation of something that was alive in Katy from the beginning. It came from her. It’s the desire we all have in us to love and be loved. It’s what lets us get our hearts broken over and over again. Maybe the force she talks about is a collective energy put out by the whole of humanity that simply says: love each other, fight for each other, take care of each other. I know I fought it out of fear, just like her. I needed to feel a force so strong that I couldn’t fight back. The pull toward her was like our own world existed around us, spinning so hard that the gravity forced us to the center, to each other, into each other’s arms, into each other’s souls.

  Katy exists in my soul now, and she can’t be taken out. If there were whispers happening in my life, then they were loud and clear. Mine were shouts that came barreling at me in a tiny Toyota rental car. It crashed into me with the force of a thousand suns and never stopped crashing, over and over again. She still hasn’t stopped crashing into me.

  I know that now, as I watch her from across a field of vines. She takes my breath away. She’s holding our baby girl, Charlotte, looking up to the sky and soaking in the sun. Every day they are both more beautiful than the last. I stand here for several moments, watching her in her white sundress. Charlotte’s in white, too, and I realize that heaven does exist on earth. The wind hits the back of my neck, pushing me gently in their direction. She spots me and smiles serenely as she bounces our baby girl. When I reach them, I take Charlotte in my arms. She coos between little belly laughs.

 
“Someday you’re going to break my heart, little girl, do you know that?” Her little smile literally makes my heart skip a beat. “It will all be worth it.”

  Kate and I know that there’s no light without darkness—there’s no joy without pain—but we promised each other, through it all, that we would always choose to be here, living in the moment, right by each other’s sides. And I believe that’s truly what love is.

  Susan happily takes Charlotte from my hands and off for a little walk. I follow Kate into our home and catch her by the hand. She turns. I smile brazenly. “I heard a whisper, Kate. It said I need to take you to bed this instant.”

  She socks me in the arm. “Would you stop with that?”

  “I have to listen to the whispers.” I bend and throw her over my shoulder and then stalk off to our bed, with her giggling all the way.

  Acknowledgments

  * * *

  Endless thanks to my friends and family members who have supported and encouraged me throughout this process, especially my brother, Rich, who has always had my back, even if he was making stupid faces behind it. Thanks and love you, bro.

  Mom and Dad, thank you for running the grassroots campaign by taking my books into the bank and sharing the news with the bank tellers, and also for getting the Portuguese community involved. Donna, thank you for your kind words and willingness to read at the drop of a hat.

  To my cousin, Debbie: Thank you so much for the love, support, and encouragement.

  Kristina Radi, for offering all of that fantastic Chicago material. I got such a sense of the city from you. Thank you.

  Many thanks to my agent, Christina Hogrebe, who from day one believed in the work.

  Angie, thank you for taking the time out of your crazy schedule to be a part of this.

  Daralyn Christensen, from my entire heart I am thankful to you for so graciously sharing your story with me. You opened my eyes to diabetes and the experience of living with a diabetic partner. The details you offered helped me to grasp the disease in a way that made it tangible and real and possible for me to present through Kate’s eyes.