Deceitful Choices

by C. A. Harms

  At times I wanted to track him down and tell him what an ass he was. Other times I just found myself hoping he had found what he was looking for and his life was what he hoped it would be.

  Did I feel guilty that he had a son who would never know him? Yes, sometimes, but he was the one who cut ties. He made it perfectly clear that an abortion was the route he wanted me to take, and when Haven gave me a money order with Zack’s illegible signature, I lost my last thread of hope that he would change his mind about our baby. He wanted it all to go away, so I gave him his wish. Once, after Camden was born, I attempted to track him down so I could at least tell him we had a healthy boy, but I got nowhere fast, so I gave up.

  It was hard to find him when he never gave me any specifics. I figured that was because he didn’t want to be found. So I gave him that and moved on without him.

  If one day Camden asked about his father, I would tell him. I’d let him know his daddy is a hero who fights for our country to keep us all safe. I would also tell him that he was an important part of my life for a brief time, and that he was kind and strong. There was no reason to taint the image of Zack in my son’s mind.

  I’d made up my mind I would never tell him anything bad about his dad, because he was good to me, for a short time. All the other details weren’t necessary for Camden to know.

  After he was fed and our snuggle time was over, I found Grams on the back porch. She always went out there to enjoy her morning tea before her day began.

  “You ready for Grams?” I asked Camden as I kissed his chubby cheek. It was time for me to get to class, and I hated saying goodbye, but I was doing this for our future.

  “Come here little one, Granny’s ready for her boy,” she said holding out her hands.

  “I’ll be back in a couple hours, I have two bottles in the fridge and he…” she cut me off holding her hand out to shush me.

  “Get moving child, I know what I’m doing. You’ll be late for class.” She winked and began whispering to Camden about his mommy being overprotective.

  I walked away smiling, knowing he was in good hands.

  After I left, my parents never once tried to contact me. I still had the same number but they didn’t call. Apparently my whereabouts didn’t matter. The thought hurt, and I am pretty sure it contributed to my depression I fought throughout my pregnancy. I still fought times of darkness, but Camden’s face made life better.

  So many times I would pick up the phone to call Taylor, only to chicken out before hitting send. By now I was sure I was the last person she wanted to talk to. I was sure she had moved on with her life—college, parties and so on.

  Sometimes I would stalk her Facebook like some crazy creeper to get a glimpse into the life of the best friend I missed so deeply.

  I didn’t really make any true friends here; I never gave it any effort. I had one goal—finish school and get a job. I wanted to be able to support my son fully. I didn’t like relying on Grams or the state; doing that felt like I was failing. I wanted more for us than being a burden on anyone. So each day I pushed forward, and told myself on the days I thought of giving up, that Camden deserved more. And those words made it easier to get through.

  After class I had a missed call on my phone from a number I didn’t recognize. It wasn’t the first time, yet they never left a message so I assumed it was a misdial.

  I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up something quick for dinner and when I was pulling into the driveway, my phone rang once again, with that same number displayed. Putting the car in park, I grabbed my phone and swiped my finger across the screen.

  I hesitantly brought it to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Lulu,” a soft playful whisper teased, one I had longed to hear but didn’t have the courage to take the first step in making things right. Lulu was something she called me for years. Not sure entirely of the why behind it, but Taylor didn’t need a why. She found it catchy, and over time so did I.

  “We’ll always be best friends, huh, even if we’re hundreds of miles apart?”

  I closed my eyes tightly as I remembered back to the day I spoke those very words to her.

  “I’m sorry; I just kind of lost myself,” I confessed as shameful tears filled my eyes.

  “Linds, I didn’t call to lecture you. I just want my friend back,” she said. “I’ve kept tabs on you through Grams.”

  “What?” I was a little surprised to hear she had been communicating with my grandma. Grams never said anything.

  “Don’t go getting mad at her; I swore her to secrecy. But sweets, I am done trying to communicate through text messages with that woman.” She let out a laugh. “You do know she has no idea how to send pics. I can’t stand the teaser pics I keep getting of Camden. One time I got a picture of his ear.”

  I laughed this time, thinking about my grandma sending pictures via text. I had no idea and never once did she let me believe otherwise. Apparently my grams had one amazing poker face. All the times I had talked about missing Taylor and she never once caved.

  “Now, I will tell you it was the most adorable ear I have ever gotten a picture of, but girl, I need to see this baby for real.” My eyes filled with tears and I tried to blink them away.

  “What do you say? Can I have my best friend back? I miss her.” Taylor grew quiet for a moment, waiting for my response.

  “I’ve missed you too, so much,” I confessed, and those tears I had hoped to keep hidden slowly cascaded down my cheeks.

  “I was thinking I’d drive down this weekend for a little visit,” Taylor offered. “What do you think?”

  “I’d love that.” At this moment I couldn’t think of anything that would make me happier.

  For the first time in a long time, I felt a little more whole. Taylor had been a part of my life for as long as I could remember, and I pushed her away. I regretted every second of the time we lost.

  “By the way…” A thought occurred to me. “What’s with the new number?”

  “Oh,” she sighed, and I couldn’t help but smile. I could imagine her rolling her eyes at that very moment. “Some stalkerish asshole from school kept calling, and after my dad made a little visit to the school and threatened to withhold his yearly donation, they put a halt to his creepish ways. But of course dad still insisted I get a new number so, ya know.”

  She had a tendency to brush things off, but if her father made a big deal of it then it had to be something.

  “No worries, the guy transferred to some med school in who knows where, and I haven’t heard a peep since,” she added.

  That was at least a small snippet of good news in a situation that sounded as if it could have gone a whole different direction.

  “So Friday night?” she asked, hopeful.

  “Yeah,” I replied. “Friday night.”

  I truly couldn’t wait to see her.

  Chapter 9

  Zack

  Why I continued to torture myself I had no clue.

  I guess it was because things with Haven were simple. It wasn’t drama free, because with Haven there always came drama, but there few feelings were involved. The good thing was no matter how many times I fucked up and acted like an asshole, she came running. It was wrong; I knew it. I shouldn’t have kept things going on for as long as I had, but she was convenient. And she always acted as if we were on the same page, up until the moment I tried to leave and then we were back to those fucking fits of hers.

  Over the last few months, though, things had shifted.

  I allowed myself to open up a bit and she seemed to relax.

  I wasn’t making any promises, but it had slowly begun to develop into a little more than just sex. We had rolled into a comfortable friendship with the benefits of a relationship. It just had not been labeled and I was fine with that. Honestly I preferred it.

  “What day are you flying in?” Haven asked as I lay back on my bed with my phone pressed to my ear.

  “The eighteenth,” I replied. “My flight s
hould arrive around four in the afternoon. I’ll text you the flight info.”

  “I can’t wait to see you,” she said happily, and I allowed myself to smile at her excitement. There was a little part of me that looked forward to seeing her too. It had been over a month since she last visited and we had talked every chance we got since then.

  AOT, or Advanced Operator Training, had kicked my fucking ass. I hadn’t had leave since Alabama, and I needed this break. So when Haven practically begged me to come to Illinois, I figured why the hell not.

  “Listen babe, I gotta get some shut eye,” I said, followed by a long yawn. “We got Monster Mash tomorrow, and if I don’t get some sleep I’m gonna be dragging my team down. The last thing I want is to be on the losing team.”

  Haven spent enough time listening to me go on and on about our training and the grueling exercises that keep us on top of our game. She didn’t have to ask what Monster Mash meant. She understood I would be swimming, running, and hiking for miles tomorrow.

  “Okay,” she whispered. “Good night, Zack. Dream of me.”

  I avoided touchy shit like that. I felt bad that I couldn’t give her the same in return. Maybe someday I’d be ready to take things to another level, but with her it was complicated and I refused to force it.

  “Night, Haven,” I said before ending the call.

  ***

  I woke to the sound of my fellow SEALs shuffling around gearing up.

  I had the most fucked up dream, one I hadn’t had in what felt like forever. I could see her face so clear, almost smell that sweet perfume she wore. It was still so hard to believe how connected I felt with Lindsay. Even though she should have been forbidden, she made an impression on me that still, after all this time, I couldn’t shake.

  She would be legal now, and that thought rolled around in my mind often. But then I would consider all the things Haven told me about her, and I realized I was much better off. I think the possibility of seeing her when I went to visit Haven was what triggered the dream. I didn’t know yet how I would handle that.

  I could feel myself dragging after the first mile but I pushed on.

  “Hooyah,” a few SEALs chanted and the others followed as we pushed on. It was the way of a SEAL. No backing down, no giving up. We pushed ourselves until the point of exhaustion because it was who we were. Build to conquer, build to defeat.

  No matter how much it burned, how much it ached, we kept going.

  It was training like this that made me who I was.

  I remember being on base with my father and he would set up different training missions where my brother and I would compete against one another to complete. Most kids would hate the idea of being woken up before 6:00 a.m. every day to push themselves to the max. But not Quinton and me—we lived for it. Every moment was only preparing us for the life we both knew we would lead. It was never a question for either of us; we knew we would follow in our father’s footsteps.

  He was our hero and he died an honorable death, serving his country.

  Quinton and I would honor him by being the men he showed us how to be.

  My calves burned but it was a burn I welcomed. Sometimes the pain was like a drug—I thrived for it.

  On some days after I had spent hours being hammered right and left, I would only force myself to go even further on my own—because winding down was sometimes impossible.

  Chapter 10

  Lindsay

  “Oh my god, look at those cheeks.” Taylor sat on the couch in Grams’ living room holding Camden in her lap. “He is the most adorable baby. How do you get anything done? I would never be able to put him down; he’s just too cute for his own good.”

  I knew she could see him too. Zack.

  Each day that passed, Camden began to look more and more like his father.

  “It is hard,” I confessed as I sat at her side. “But this little guy has helped me through some pretty heavy times.”

  I could tell from the corner of my eye her gaze left Camden and shifted toward me, but I chose to keep watching my son. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything; the last thing I wanted to do was rehash my past mistakes.

  “Have you ever tried to reach him?” she asked.

  I had tried to figure out how to somehow get a picture of Camden to Zack. I figured even though he didn’t want to be a part of his life, he’d at least want to know what he looked like, but I came up empty. “Yep.”

  A moment of silence settled over us and I knew she was hoping for more than just that, so taking in a deep breath I continued on.

  “Do you know how hard it is to call a naval base and ask for a SEAL by the name of Zack? Because I was sure that man on the phone thought I was insane when I told him I wasn’t sure of his last name.” I turned to face her and forced a smile. “I tried explaining what he looked like and half expected for the man to turn me in for stalking.”

  Because things happened so quickly and our encounter was brief, Zack had never really disclosed enough information to allow me to find him. You’d think knowing a person’s last name would be a bit of information you would ask for before climbing into bed with them, but apparently not me.

  “So you only had contact with him those couple of times through Haven?” By now Camden was beginning to fall asleep on Taylor’s lap as she waited for me to respond.

  “Yeah,” I said in more of a whisper. “He sent a money order and I walked away. That was the last time, before I left to come here.”

  “I don’t even know if she is still talking to his friend. Rigdon, was it?” she asked.

  I nodded.

  “I’ve seen her around campus a few times. But mainly I avoid her.” Taylor and Haven had always been on the opposites sides of the court. They despised one another. “Maybe one day Zack will…”

  I held up my hand to stop her. I wouldn’t allow myself any false hope. And I wouldn’t allow Camden to be strung along either. Zack had made his intentions known when he thought he could just pay for Camden and me to disappear.

  There would never be a touching reunion between father and son.

  “Let’s not talk about it, okay?” I just wanted to go back to normal and forget that the one lie I told robbed my son of his father. It was a guilt I fought daily.

  Grams entered the living room carrying a tray of sandwiches. “I thought you girls could use some lunch.” She winked, because she understood she was helping me. She had spent more than one night listening to me go on and on about my screw-ups. She also knew that I blamed myself heavily for the way things turned out, so her interruption now was just her way of giving me a needed out.

  I had to stop holding the fact that Zack walked away from his son over my own head. He didn’t have to cut ties with him because of my mistakes. He owed Camden more than that; it just hurt like something fierce that he didn’t even want to know him.

  I would never understand how someone could have a child out there in the world somewhere and never want to be a part of their lives. How a man so loyal and honorable to his country and fellow SEALs could brush his hands clean of his own child and not give it a second thought.

  We spent the remaining part of the weekend laughing and remembering some of the crazy things we pulled in high school. She talked about those we used to hang out with and updated me on where they were now. Most had gone off to different colleges and what surprised me most was hearing that Kiara, a girl we both adored, had moved to Colorado and married a thirty three year old man. The kicker was he used to be a history teacher at our high school. Nothing would convince me something hadn’t gone on between those two prior to her graduating, but I refused to judge. She had always been a sweet girl and if she was happy then I was happy for her.

  On Sunday when it was time for Taylor to leave, I began to feel a sense of sadness. I had enjoyed our time together and having my best friend back. Somehow her leaving made me feel as if things would fall back into the pattern I’d lived for months.

  “So I think the next trip
should be you visiting me,” she said as she tossed her bag into the back seat. “My parents would love to see you, and Mom—she made me promise to tell you she’s dying to see Camden. Every picture that Grams has sent I’ve forwarded on to her, and you would think she was a doting grandma herself as much as she goes on and on about him.”

  Lillian Shumaker had always treated me as if I was a second daughter to her, and Taylor’s father, Mark, was the father I had always dreamed for. They were both amazing.

  “We can hang out at the house, let Mom hover over Camden.” I knew she understood my reservations about returning now, for any amount of time. “We don’t even have to go out and take a chance of seeing your parents.”

  “Let me think about it, okay?” A part of me loved the idea of spending time with Taylor and her parents, and then another part me was scared of digging up the past.

  I had attempted to contact my mother after I had Camden, only to have her tell me that she refused to raise any more children, as if I had asked her to support my son. I had only offered to allow them to see their grandson; I hadn’t asked for any form of help, financially or otherwise.

  The miserable person she had always been was still very much a part of who she was. So after that attempt I never tried again. I figured the poison they both bled was something I didn’t need in my life.

  “As long as you promise to really give it some thought.”

  I looked up at Taylor, bringing myself back to our conversation and leaving those memories of my parents behind. “I promise,” I said as I reached out and hugged her close.

  “No more avoiding me,” she said before pulling back, holding me by the shoulders. “I need my best friend, and I sort of fell in love with that little guy of yours, so you can’t cut me out again.”

  I smiled and nodded my head. “No more distance,” I assured her. “We’ll talk and we’ll plan a visit.”