Touch Me Not

by Apryl Baker

  Her eyes widened, and he watched the blush work its way up her neck to bloom onto her cheeks. The blush started under her neckline. He was going to have fun discovering where it started, and soon.

  “I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it!” she spluttered.

  “Oh, Milaya, the things you could do to my stick…”

  Lily’s eyes widened when Nikoli started to prowl closer to her, his body conveying his intent. She backed away slowly, but soon hit the closet door. Nikoli kept coming. He stopped a bare inch away from her. Her pulse sped up, and she glanced everywhere but at his face.

  “Eyes up, Lily.” His voice sounded firm, hard, a command, and she automatically looked up. His black eyes burned with a deep, lazy fire that stole the air from her lungs. His warm breath feathered over her face. “Are you okay?”

  Lily nodded, surprised he’d asked her. More surprising was the fact she was okay. The panic was there, but it was manageable. Instead, different sensations assaulted her. Her breath was a little shallow, butterflies fluttered in her stomach, and she felt her own blood begin to burn with something that she didn’t recognize. It didn’t scare her, exactly. She felt…excited. Her hands moved restlessly, and she started to fidget.

  “Stay still,” Nikoli barked, his voice stern. “Don’t move, dushka.”

  “I said not to…”

  Nikoli put a finger to her lips, but it was gone before she could even process it fully. “Hush, Milaya. It’s hard enough not to touch you. If you start talking, I will kiss you.”

  DEFCON five started flashing in her head, but her body refused to listen to her. It wanted him to touch her, to kiss her. In this moment, she’d never wanted something as badly as she wanted him to touch her.

  He must have seen it in her eyes, because his own breathing came out a little more labored. “Do you want me to touch you, Milaya?”

  “Yes,” she whispered, “but I’m afraid.”

  “I know,” he said, his voice soft, “but I’m very proud of you, Lily. You’ve come a long way in just a day. You truly are magnificent.”

  Lily took a shaky breath, his praise washing through her. Nikoli’s voice was like velvet, wrapping around her, making her feel things in places she shouldn’t. How could just his voice make her want to clench her thighs? Dear God, she was starting to understand how so many women abandoned their clothes because of that Russian accent of his. It could make you imagine all sorts of naughty things.

  “Lily…”

  Nikoli and Lily both turned to see Adam standing in the doorway, staring in shock at the two of them. It only took a moment for his expression to turn to one of fury. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Came to pick up my keys,” Nikoli replied, turning so Lily was behind him. “No one teach you to knock?”

  Adam growled, coming into the room. Nikoli rolled his shoulders, preparing for a fight. He’d like nothing better than to shove his fist in Boy Wonder’s face after that shit he’d pulled on Lily last night.

  Lily sidestepped Nikoli, and he turned baleful eyes upon her. Didn’t the woman know when to stay put?

  “Adam, what do you want?” she said, resigned.

  “I came to talk to you, to apologize, but I see you are busy doing…”

  “Don’t,” Nikoli said softly.

  “You need to get the fuck out,” Adam snarled. “I came to talk to Lily, not you.”

  “But I’m not ready to talk to you, Adam.” Lily walked over to the door and motioned for Adam to leave. “What you did…I can’t just forget it. At least not yet. I need you to leave.”

  “Lily, please,” Adam begged. “We can’t leave it like this…”

  “You should have thought of that before you decided to be an ass,” Nikoli told him. “Now get out.”

  “Lily, you can’t trust him.” Adam begged her with his eyes.

  “Right now, I trust him more than I do you.”

  Adam’s face paled, but he nodded. “I’m sorry, Lils, for everything. I’ll make this right.” He started to leave, but stopped in front of her. “I swear to you I will.” He gave her a quick hug, looking sad when her entire body flinched.

  Nikoli noticed the flinch. She’d been around him all day and hadn’t flinched once. His plan was working. The longer she was around him, and the more he forced her to get used to his touch, the less it scared her. Odd that Adam scared her, though. They’d been around each other since they were little kids. She had to know the feel of him better than anyone else. She even admitted that Adam had tried to help her in the beginning. Maybe the key was she hadn’t wanted to be helped back then. She wanted help now. Either way, it was a win-win for him.

  Lily was pale when she closed the door. Nikoli had wanted to try to push her a little farther, but he knew that was probably out of the question now. “You want to come over for a while? Luther would love to hear all the details of how you kicked my ass today.”

  She smiled, but shook her head. “No, I have some stuff I need to do, and I promised some of the girls we’d watch a movie later. Besides, I’m not sure I want to go to your place…ever.”

  “Why the hell not?” he asked indignantly. What was wrong with his place?

  “It can’t be at all sterile.” Lily shuddered at the thought. “I mean, I’ve heard the stories about your furniture.”

  Nikoli grinned his lazy grin. “We are going to have some fun on that furniture too.”

  She shook her head. “You plan on having me sit, yeah?”

  “Sit, bend over, lie down,” Nikoli purred. “On the couch, the table, the bed…yes, Milaya, you are going to become very intimate with my furniture.”

  “Not in this lifetime,” she said, grimacing. “God only knows what kind of fluids are still there. You want me to come over? Get some new furniture, especially the table.”

  “You want me to get rid of perfectly good furniture just so you’ll come over?”

  “I want you to get rid of the nasty furniture covered in countless diseases.”

  “It’s not covered in diseases.” He rolled his eyes. The chick was being ridiculous.

  “How often do you clean your couch?” she countered. “Do you scrub your table in bleach afterward? Do you realize you could be eating nasty fluids?”

  He frowned. “No.”

  “So gross, Nikoli. I’m not stepping foot in that place till you clean it. There, or your other place, for that matter.”

  “Lily, you were just there last night.”

  “I wasn’t thinking about it then!” she yelled. “If you think for one second I’m getting into a bed other women have been in, you’re insane!”

  He laughed. “I’ll buy new sheets.” He didn’t think she even realized what she’d said and where her thoughts were taking her. If she was talking about getting into bed, his chances just got a whole lot better.

  “Not gonna happen, buster!” She pointed her finger at him. “It’s the principle of the thing! Every time I look at it, I’ll think about all the women who’ve been in it before!”

  Nikoli laughed out loud. She looked offended.

  “It’s not funny!” she fumed.

  “Yeah, Lily Bells, it’s funny as hell.” His grin only made her more furious, but he didn’t care.

  “Trust me, Kincaid, I’m not stepping foot in there until you buy some new furniture.”

  “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

  “Dead serious.”

  “How would you even know if it’s new or not?” he asked.

  “I’ve been to your apartment before,” she told him smugly.

  “When?”

  “Remember when I tutored Luther?”

  He groaned. Luther had been embarrassed about failing one of his classes last year, and Lily must have come by the apartment to help him. She knew what the furniture looked like. Dammit. He was going have to spend money.

  “Fine, I’ll buy some fucking new furniture. Happy?”

  Lily smiled. “Yes, very.”

&
nbsp; “How happy?” he asked, moving closer to her.

  Her eyes narrowed. “Not that happy.”

  He stopped moving and studied her for a moment. She looked nervous, but the fear and panic from last night weren’t in her eyes. He wasn’t stupid enough to think it couldn’t rear back up if he pushed too hard. All the progress he’d made today would be lost if he didn’t do this just right.

  “Come here, Lily.”

  “Why?” She took another step backward.

  “Come. Here.” He put more force into his words, into his voice.

  Lily frowned, but shuffled closer. “What do you want?”

  “Here.” He pointed to the spot right in front of him. “Don’t make me ask again.”

  He fought a smile at her indignant expression. She didn’t like being told what to do. At all. She moved to within inches of him, though, despite the anger in her eyes.

  “Was that so hard?” he murmured.

  “Depends on why you decided to go all alpha male.” Her eyes were warier than they had been a minute ago.

  “Patience is only a small part of helping you, Lily,” he told her solemnly. “The other part is dominance. You need rules and structures to completely heal.”

  Her eyes narrowed and he held up his hand to stop her before she said anything. “Last night you were a mess, Milaya, crying and nearly going into a panic attack at the thought of my hands on you.”

  “And?”

  “And do you feel that way today?” he asked gently. “Do you feel anxious being this close to me? Do you need to run, to hide, or to flinch away from my touch?”

  Her eyes widened slightly.

  “The answer is no, Milaya. I didn’t give you choices today. You spent the day with me, dressed exactly as I wanted you dressed. I helped you decide to touch me by trapping you, distracting you so you couldn’t panic. I set the rules for our outing today, and you are stronger, more confident now because of those rules.”

  “I…I’m not sure what you want me to say.” Her eyes were full of questions and uncertainty.

  “I don’t want you to say anything, Milaya,” he said, his voice firm. “I just want you to stand perfectly still and remain silent. Don’t move, and keep your eyes straight ahead.”

  He studied her profile. She was nervous, but not nearly as nervous as when Adam left. Deciding to take a chance on pushing her, Nikoli walked over to her closet. She had it partially open, and he’d seen several scarves. He selected the thinnest one he could find. He had much more suitable ones at the apartment, but this would have to do for now.

  Lily trembled. She could hear Nikoli behind her rummaging through her closet. She’d heard the sliding door squeak as he pushed it out of his way. Why was he in her closet? The urge to look was strong, but she fought it. Honestly, she was almost afraid to look. She closed her eyes and shifted from foot to foot. She wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation. The campus manwhore was in her room, giving her crazy orders, and she was obeying. Why? No clue other than she’d never been in a situation like this before and she was curious. Curious enough to tamp down her own fears for a few minutes.

  She felt him standing behind her. Heat radiated from his body into hers. If she stepped back half an inch, she’d hit his chest. Her muscles tightened, panic creeping up. She fought hard to stand still, to not give in to her growing unease. Her phobia had the ability to rob her of everything in seconds. She’d been happy, even laughing a few minutes ago, and now she was beginning to feel afraid. She hated herself sometimes.

  “Shh, baby,” Nikoli whispered, his warm breath blowing on her ear. She shivered in response, an instinctive reaction. “I’m going to put a scarf over your eyes.”

  “What? No!”

  “Be. Still.” His voice wasn’t harsh, but it held a definite command that her body obeyed. “Breathe,” he told her. “I’m not going to touch you, Milaya. Be easy, sweetheart.”

  Lily’s hands started to shake, but she forced herself to remain still as Nikoli’s arms rose up on either side of her. She saw one of her favorite wool scarves come up and then gently cover her eyes. He stepped away from her so he could tie the ends together.

  “Easy, katyonak.” Nikoli’s voice came out soothing, but there was still a bite of a command to it. “This is about trust. I told you I wouldn’t touch you, and I won’t.”

  Could she trust him? He’d given her no reason not to trust him, aside from his sneak attacks, as he called them. They didn’t even bother her anymore. She’d stopped flinching about two hours into the drive this morning to pick up the car. It was then she’d realized she was starting to trust him. She shouldn’t, had no reason to, but oddly, she did. Maybe she just needed to trust him. Needed to have faith she could get better, that he could help her do it.

  Believing it was entirely different from trying to convince her body of it.

  She felt him move away from her, heard him walking around her room. What the hell was he doing? Her nerves were strung taught and she strained her ears to try and hear him. Where was he? Her mattress squeaked, and she turned in that direction.

  “Did I say you could move?” he asked, his voice full of authority and displeasure.

  Lily groaned. She wasn’t sure if she liked this side of Nikoli or not, but she had to admit her body reacted to it. It clenched up in all sorts of places it shouldn’t. Her nostrils flared and she realized her hands had stopped shaking. Other nerves were crowding her right now, ones that had nothing to do with her fear of being touched.

  “Did I?” he asked again, an edge of irritation in his voice.

  “No,” Lily whispered, trying to understand what she was feeling, but failing miserably.

  “Back to your position, Milaya.”

  Lily frowned, but turned back to facing the wall opposite her closet. Nikoli stood up, and she heard him walking again. Anticipation flashed through her, and it only served to confuse her further. Her heartbeat sped up when she felt him in front of her. He was close. She could smell his aftershave. It invaded her senses, causing her breath to get a little more labored.

  Why was he just standing there?

  His breath tickled her ear. “Do you still want me to touch you, Milaya?”

  DEFCON three exploded in her senses. Her brain said no, her body said yes. What was happening to her? Every nerve was alert, waiting expectantly for him to touch her. She craved it.

  “Answer me.”

  “I don’t know,” she almost wailed. She didn’t understand anything happening to her right now.

  “Shhh, Milaya,” Nikoli soothed. He knew he couldn’t push her too far. This whole thing had been about trust. “Your entire body is quivering, Milaya. Not shaking in fear, but quivering in excitement, anticipation, and you’re confused. That’s perfectly okay. I’m going to remove the scarf now. Hold still for me.”

  He carefully untied the scarf, letting it fall from her eyes. Her gaze swept up to look at his face, and his lungs refused to expand. The blue was darker, but they were sleepy, filled with desire. He could see the confusion on her face, but he sensed her excitement in the way her body reacted to his nearness. He forced his hands to stay at his sides.

  “Better?” he asked softly.

  “I…I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Why did you do that?”

  “Trust,” he said simply. “I wanted to show you that I can be trusted. A woman is at her most vulnerable when she cedes control to a man. You needed to understand that I don’t take that trust lightly. I promised I wouldn’t touch you, and I kept my word, Lily.”

  She gave him a hesitant smile.

  “Do you want to talk about how it made you feel?” he asked. “You weren’t expecting to feel anything but fear, were you?”

  “I’ve never done anything like that,” she whispered. “I’ve read books like that. When a woman gives up control and willingly lets a guy hurt her…”

  “Did I hurt you, Lily?” he interrupted her, his voice hard and unyielding. He wouldn’t let her
think this was like those cheesy erotica novels about BDSM. It wasn’t. He didn’t hurt women for kinks. He liked control, yes, but to do some of the stuff he’d seen in the clubs he frequented? That wasn’t him.

  “No,” she admitted. “It’s just when you said you were going to cover my eyes, I thought…” She shook her head. “I’m not that girl, Nikoli, a…a submissive. The one who lets a man take advantage of her, hurt her, use her for his own satisfaction.”

  “You’ve got a skewed perception of the lifestyle, Lily,” he said. “It’s not about hurting a woman or using her. It’s about satisfying needs, about trust, and respect.”

  “But how is it about respect when you take away someone’s control?”

  “Lily, you obeyed the commands I gave you today. Why?”

  He watched a myriad of emotions cross her face as she tried to articulate her answer. More than anything, the part of him that was the dominant alpha male wanted to hold her, to tell her it was okay, he’d take care of everything, but he couldn’t do that with her. She needed to come to grips with her own fears first.

  “Can I sit?” she asked, her hands worrying each other. Nikoli smiled. She didn’t even realize she’d asked permission. He nodded.

  She collapsed onto the bed. “At first, I was curious. Then, it was about trying to overcome the paralyzing fear I felt at the thought of what you might do when I couldn’t see it coming.”

  “But it changed, didn’t it, Milaya?” He sat down beside her, barely an inch separating their bodies. “You found you wanted to obey, to do as I asked. Your body reacted to my voice, and that confused you.”

  Lily nodded, not looking at him. “It went from fear to…to anticipation.”

  Nikoli smiled and pride swelled within him. She was being honest, and that, more than anything, was going to cement his authority and her trust, her submission to him. It had to be hard for her, but she didn’t hide from it.

  “Look at me, Lily.”

  She looked up, her face hesitant.

  “What you felt was natural. You were curious, your body reacted to the desire you felt. It let you know what it wanted, even when you weren’t capable of understanding it. Don’t be afraid.”

  “I’m not afraid of you.”