by Leigh Landry
“No bats necessary?”
“I didn’t say that.”
He gave her a grin and turned toward her bookshelves against a nearby wall. She warmed and tried not to squirm thinking of the last time they looked at a bookshelf together.
He pointed at a photo of her daughter. “Yours?”
She nodded. “Cadence.”
“Pretty name.” He paused. “Her dad still around?”
“She’s with him tonight. We trade off weekdays and weekends. Sometimes whole weeks.”
“That sounds tough, scheduling and shifting around like that.”
“We make it work.”
“Is that the reason you aren’t looking for a thing right now?”
“Partly.”
“Partly?”
“You discuss childcare and past relationships with all your flings?”
“I thought this was getting more serious,” he said. “I don’t tell just anyone about my cat.”
She laughed despite her growing annoyance. The last thing she wanted to do right now was talk about her kid or her kid’s father. “I’m really busy, yes. I’m also very good at choosing people to be in my life who don’t choose me back.” She had no idea why she told him that last part. Something about Shane made her want to tell him everything, every embarrassing mistake, every passion, every soul-crushing disappointment. And that scared the shit out of her. “You had something to tell me?”
“Yeah.” His expression stiffened a bit, and he scratched at his beard. “I wanted to thank you for the kick in the ass. I’m getting my guitar back tomorrow.”
Natalie felt her whole body loosen. She’d had no idea what he wanted to tell her, and all her guesses had been much worse. “That’s great.”
“You okay?” he asked. “You look…upset.”
“I don’t need a ride or food again, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Book chat?”
She laughed again and felt her sour mood fading away. How did he do that? Every time she was around Shane she felt lighter somehow.
“Seriously,” he said, “you okay?”
Natalie shrugged. “I will be.”
And she would. Eventually. But for right now, she was glad for Shane’s company. He was turning out to be more than just a distraction. She found herself genuinely enjoying his company.
“We can talk about it, if you want,” he added.
“That’s very sweet.” She took his hand and rubbed her thumb along his skin. It felt so good just to touch him that way, her brain was firing off all kinds of feel-good juiciness. “But this really isn’t your circus. And trust me, you don’t want it to be.”
He put his hand against the side of her face and softly rubbed his own thumb against her cheek. “What if I do?”
She frowned at him. “You really don’t mean that.”
“What if I do mean it?” he said again. “What if I want more than a fling from you?”
She pulled her head back. “You don’t even know my last name.” She had intentionally left it off when she’d put her name and number in his phone.
“You’re right. But I want to.”
Words were easy. Lots of people gave her words. But she couldn’t count on any of them for much more than that. “What else do you want, Shane? Where does this end?”
“It doesn’t, if I have my way.”
“I’ve heard that before,” she said. “Never made it true.”
“Never been me before.” He took her face in both hands and stared into her eyes. “I want to know your last name. I want to know what your favorite food is. I want to know your favorite books and movies and your dream vacation. I want to know everything about you.”
She held his stare and lost herself in his eyes for a moment, seeing herself in them once again. “That doesn’t sound much like a fling.”
He leaned forward, holding the intensity of his gaze, and said, “No, it doesn’t.”
For the first time in as long as she could remember, hearing those words and considering that possibility didn’t terrify her.
With no argument left for him—or for herself—Natalie leaned forward and met him for a kiss that was soft and sweet and definitely not the kiss of a fling. She didn’t know what kind of kiss it was, but it filled her with heat and desire, and made her feel safe as he held her face in his hands and kissed her sweetly.
His tongue entered her mouth, and the heat rose between them until she felt like he’d set off a blaze inside her. They kissed passionately, their hands desperately groping for skin-to-skin contact. She held the back of his neck, pressing his face to her own, and his hand slid up her shirt to grab her breast as he leaned his hips into hers.
He pulled his mouth from hers, sucking on her lip as he went, then said in a deep, breathy voice, “I want you in a bed this time.”
“I believe that can be arranged.” She nodded across the room. “Down the hall on the right.”
His hungry eyes looked down to her mouth and back up to her eyes again. Then his mouth was back on hers, kissing her feverishly, as he grabbed her and lifted her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist and kissed him like he was her only source of oxygen, while he walked them both to her bedroom.
He placed her on the bed and immediately removed her T-shirt and his own. She rubbed her hands along his chest and arms, enjoying the view she missed the last time. She’d been so caught up in the moment then, she never took a chance to enjoy herself. To enjoy him. But now she wanted to savor every last second with him.
She rested her head against a pillow as he unzipped her jeans and freed her legs from them. A second later, her panties followed her jeans on the floor.
He took a long look at her naked body stretched out in front of him, and said, “Don’t move.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Good.” He kissed her stomach, then kissed his way down one thigh, glanced up at her with a wink, and kissed up the inside of her other thigh. She squirmed and shivered against his beard tickling her skin. He flicked his tongue lightly against her clit, then made slow, small circles around it.
Natalie slid her fingers into his thick, blond hair while he kissed and licked and sucked between her legs. She normally liked to be the one in control. But for some reason, she was content to lie on her back and let Shane order her around and take charge. To be in control of her pleasure in that moment.
Her heart raced and she felt her neck and face flush with heat until she could barely see the room around her. She clutched the sheets on the sides of her with both hands. As she gasped for breath and felt herself climbing, Shane began to kiss his way back up her stomach, pausing to unhook her bra and kiss her breasts for a moment. She reached to unzip his jeans and release him from his boxers.
“Give me one second,” he said.
He perched with one knee on either side of her and pulled a condom from his wallet as she stroked him.
“You’d better hurry,” she teased.
He held the package between his fingers until she snatched it from him. She tore it open while he removed his jeans and boxers. Natalie did the honors of rolling the condom down the length of his cock, barely able to focus on the task with his fingers now inside her. As soon as she finished with the condom, Shane slid inside her, slow at first, holding her gaze.
She’d never had someone look at her like that, staring into her. As if he really saw her. The real her. The parts she hadn’t even shown yet.
She rocked with him and wrapped her legs around his waist, angling his cock inside of her in a way that sent her immediately climbing to dizzying heights. She climbed until she cried out in ecstasy, with Shane pumping harder and faster before he tensed against her and released.
He crumpled over her, kissing her neck and then her mouth, both of them breathing too heavily to say anything yet. He rolled over to the side, then grabbed her hand and kissed it.
Natalie tried to process what just happened
. The whole evening. How she’d gone from pissed and deflated to…this.
“Well, that was fun.”
She made a grunting noise. “And that was corny.”
“All right.” He rolled on his side and looked her in the eye. “How about…that was fucking amazing.”
“Damn right it was.”
He frowned then kissed her nose. “I should probably go, huh?”
Without hesitation, she squeezed his hand as if to hold him there. “Stay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Cadence is with her dad until Saturday. So, yes. Stay.” She added nervously, “If you want to.”
“Oh, I want to.” He propped his head on his hand, his elbow on the pillow beside her. “If you want me here, I absolutely want to be here.”
“That’s the thing,” she said. “I don’t normally want anyone to stick around.”
“I guess you’ve got to be more careful, or selective, or whatever, with a kid?”
“It’s not that.” She thought for a second, deciding how much to reveal, but realized she didn’t want to keep anything back. “Have you ever felt more alone lying next to another person than you feel when you’re actually alone?”
He frowned. “Yeah.”
“That’s why I don’t normally invite anyone to stay over. It always feels like that. Even with Cadence’s dad,” she said. “Especially with him.”
“Did you guys get married?”
She shook her head. “No, but we tried to make it work for a while. For too long.” She thought back to all those unending, lonely days and nights. All those tears. No one’s fault. Not really. They just didn’t work. “And that’s how it felt. All the time.”
He rubbed a hand along the side of her bare arm. “I can see why you wouldn’t want to repeat that.”
“But that’s the thing. It wasn’t some rare thing I was afraid of. It was always like that,” she said. “Until now.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. I don’t feel…alone with you.”
She’d been wondering if this was some kind of wishful thinking or if she was making it up, but talking to him, she knew it was true. For the first time in years, she didn’t feel alone.
Chapter Seven
Shane brushed Natalie’s hair aside and kissed her ear. She moaned softly, then rolled over to look at him. A spiral of emotions flashed in her eyes: pleasure, desire, shock…
He waited patiently for the regret.
She was afraid of letting anyone in. Afraid of getting hurt again. That much was clear. He’d been certain they were on the same page last night, but he’d been up half the night wondering if she would wake up with a change of heart in the morning.
But the shock and hint of fear faded from her eyes. Her mouth stretched into a crooked smile.
“Good morning,” she said. Her voice was thick and rich as cold cane syrup. And he wanted to eat her up just as much.
“Good morning.” The sun was beginning to stream in around her curtains. “What time do you have to be at work?”
“Nine,” she said. “You?”
“Same.” She looked around. “Shit, I left my phone in the living room.” She kissed him quickly again then rolled over to grab her jeans from the floor. She slipped them on and slid the zipper up. “I want to make sure I didn’t miss a message about Cadence.”
“Sorry. Were you waiting to hear from her?”
She paused on her way out and shook her hands emphatically. “No, no. It’s okay. I just like to make sure I check regularly. Just in case.”
Shane nodded as she left the room. He couldn’t imagine what that must feel like. It had to be nerve-racking enough, being always on guard as a parent, knowing you’re the one responsible for the kid’s safety and all. But to always be aware, waiting, even when the kid wasn’t around. Maybe even more so when the kid wasn’t around. No wonder she was on edge so much. He had no way to relate to that level of overwhelming responsibility.
But he had a hell of a lot of respect for it.
He grabbed his own jeans and shirt from the floor. As he put his arms through his sleeves and slid the shirt over his head, Shane noticed an envelope on the nightstand with Natalie’s name on it. He was still staring at the pretty handwriting and loopy little flourish beneath her name when Natalie walked back in the room. Her body froze when she saw what he was looking at, and an expression of horror inched onto her face.
“Sorry, I wasn’t snooping,” he said. “I was just…your name looked so pretty in that handwriting. I know that sounds goofy, but—”
“No, it’s fine,” she said, gathering her composure. “It’s from…a friend.” She sat beside him on the bed and picked up the letter, holding it and looking at it, not him.
“You haven’t opened it?”
She shook her head. “She left town without telling me.” She held the letter up. “Well, this was her telling me. She gave it to Robin.”
“Ah.” He put the bits of what he knew together, including Robin’s warning after their gig. “That’s why you were upset last weekend.”
“Yeah. I just…I figured I deserved more than a letter.”
“Well, sure,” he said. “But it’s been a week. You still haven’t read whatever’s in there?”
“Nope. Doesn’t change anything.”
“Right. But it’s clearly bothering you.” He put a hand on her knee. “Someone once told me, when I had something hard to do, that I should just get over myself and do the thing.”
She laughed and looked at him. “That person sounds like an asshole.”
“Nah. They were right. I’m getting my guitar back today.”
She looked back down at the envelope, and something about her expression—the way she looked at her name the same way he had looked at it—hit him with a sudden realization.
“Oh,” he said.
“Oh, what?”
He cleared his throat and considered not saying anything. He didn’t want to pry or push her away, but he wanted honesty between them, and this felt like one of those things he wanted to know about her. “She was…more than a friend, right?”
Her leg tightened against his, and he felt the air between them charge with tension. A few seconds later, she surprised him by answering. Honestly.
“Yes,” she said. “Well, no. We weren’t together or anything. She was my best friend.”
“But you loved her?”
She looked down at the letter again and nodded.
He wasn’t sure what to say. The truth scared the shit out of him, he couldn’t deny it. Not that she had been in love with a woman, but that she was so clearly still in love with someone else. Someone that wasn’t him.
But she was with him now. And she’d shared something with him that deserved acknowledgment.
Shane leaned over and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
She turned to look at him. “Does this mean I get to meet your cat now?”
He laughed and kissed her on the mouth this time. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.”
* * * * *
Natalie stared at the envelope in her hands. She’d been staring at it for the last thirty minutes, ever since she walked Shane out and kissed him goodbye.
The last time she’d held that envelope, she’d been angry. Pissed right the fuck off, in fact. She’d been pissed off at Robin. At Camille. At herself. At the whole damn situation.
She missed Camille’s laugh. She missed hanging at the park on Sunday afternoons with her and Cadence. She missed her best friend.
But she wasn’t angry anymore. She was still sad and disappointed, but not angry. And Shane was right. Not knowing what was in that envelope was bugging the shit out of her.
Shane had been right about a lot of things.
She wasn’t sure why she’d told him that she was in love with Camille. Not that she cared what he or anyone else thought of her. It just wasn’t something she went around telling people who didn’t nee
d to know.
But she wanted Shane to know. Or at least she didn’t want to lie to him. Natalie couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so comfortable with anyone. Anyone besides her best friend.
Her phone rang on the bed next to her. Her mom. Shit.
“Hey, Mom. Sorry, forgot to check in. This week’s been…uh…something.”
“Something like last Friday night?” her mom asked with a hint of wishful thinking. “A repeat of something?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Fine.” Mom let out a heavy, exasperated sigh. “Are you being careful still?”
“Mom,” Natalie growled.
“I get to ask.”
“And I get to not answer that,” she said. Mostly because she didn’t like the answer. Sure, she and Shane were using protection, but it wasn’t as if she could get a condom for her heart. “Besides, I’m thirty-one years old. You can stop asking about my sex life any time now.”
“Where’s the fun in that?” Her mom laughed softly. She always did enjoy driving Natalie bananas. Her voice got low and somber when she asked, “Any word from Camille? She should be out now, right?”
Natalie looked down at the envelope. “She’s out.”
Her mother waited a few moments for more information. When Natalie didn’t supply any, she said, “Well, that’s good.”
“Yes.” Natalie quickly switched the subject. “Cadence is with Eddie tonight. Sorry, I meant to call you yesterday, but I got busy with work and rehearsal.”
“And things,” her mother added.
“I’m hanging up now.”
Natalie ended the call with her mother chuckling in the background. She sighed and looked down at the envelope, then slipped her thumb in an opening and tore across the top in one angry slash. Her hands shook a little when she pulled out the lined paper and unfolded it. Then her eyes watered at the greeting: Dearest Nat.
What bullshit.
I’m sorry this is a letter. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there in person, telling all of this to your beautiful face.
More bullshit.
Nothing stopped Camille from doing whatever she wanted. If she’d wanted to tell Natalie in person, she would have done that.
