by Xana Jordan
Watching her leave upset really pisses me off. That girl has done nothing to warrant his remarks, even if he didn’t mean anything by them, but Noel looks just as pissed as I feel.
“What the hell is your malfunction, assmole? Why are you being such an insensitive jerk lately?” Noel’s angry words interrupt the lecture I was about to give Dillon, causing everyone at the table to stop what they were doing and stare in stunned amazement. He is more mad, irate, even, than I’ve ever seen him. He wasn’t this intense when he realized Mercedes spread a ton of lies about her in high school, causing them to break up for over a year.
“Whatever, man. Katie is fun to be with, but she knows the score. It means nothing. Don’t be jealous of my way with the ladies,” he boasts right as some big breasted, bleach blonde bimbo approaches him.
“Hey, Dill. You ready?” she croons, practically draped around him. She holds onto his arm, her backside pushing into Noel. Gah, how desperate can she be? Her wink at me over Dill’s head makes my skin crawl. What a slut.
“Yeah, baby. I’m done here,” he grins up at her, then slaps her ass. Rising, he yanks up his tray before glancing at us, “See you jealous bitches later.” Boob girl follows him to the tray return, slowly letting her fingers slide from one of Noel’s shoulders, across his neck, and along the other as she passes behind him. Her wanna-be seductive look at my best friend only comes across as slutty and whore-ish.
Slamming my napkin on the table, my frustration getting the better of me, I huff, “Why the Hell do we put up with his sorry ass?”
“Because he isn’t usually this much of a douche,” Gav supplies as Mal shakes her head in irritation.
“I’m gonna head over to the dorm to check on Xan.” She leans to the side and kisses his cheek. “I’ll see you after practice,” she informs him, then stands from her chair. Walking by Noel, she gives his shoulder a squeeze of reassurance before leaning to whisper something in his ear and leaving. I’m glad the two of them have become such good friends over the past year. They’ve been good for each other.
“You ready?” Noel asks Gav and our other friends at the table. “I need to get out of here,” his frustration a little unsettling. All of us nodding in agreement, we follow him out of the dining hall, me on my way to class in the opposite direction from their group.
Sitting outside the computer science building, I snag a seat on one of the benches so I can text Stace.
ME: Missed you @ lunch. X looking for you.
It’s several minutes before I get her response.
SCARLETT: Yeah, I was busy.
ME: That’s it? Why didn’t you text her?
SCARLETT: It’s fine. I’ve got to go.
What the actual fuck? Standing up her best friend, her sister, is not a big deal anymore? Why is she hiding from us?
ME: Sure. Meet you later?
SCARLETT: x
X? No, ‘yes I’ll see you later’, or even ‘okay’? What the Hell? If I can’t find a way to reach her soon, I’m not sure how much longer we can continue going on this way.
I’ve had many counseling sessions with Lainey, but today is one I had to beg for at the last minute. I’ve dropped everything, and everyone, to talk to her today, and I’ll lose it if I miss her Skype. Leaving straight from the dorm, I even skipped class to talk to her. After what seems like forever, the call comes through my laptop.
“I’m really glad you were able to talk with me this afternoon on such short notice.” My eyes dart across the room to look out of the small window, afraid someone is watching.
“Of course, Stacy. What’s been going on?” Lainey’s smooth, sweet tone filters through the speakers. Her words calm me, making me want to unleash everything on her, but where do I even start?
“I got a letter,” I carefully reply. “It wasn’t so much a letter as it was a photograph.” The nausea that hit me upon opening that letter rears its ugly head and once again I’m holding my stomach as it squeezes, swimming with disgust.
“Okay,” she says slowly studying my reactions. “What can you tell me about it?”
Closing my eyes, I recall everything I saw. “It was a picture of me when I was little.” Pausing, I pick at the edge of my shirts. “I was with my dad and he was... he had...his hand was holding my legs while he took our picture.” My hands are shaking now, and I can’t seem to make them stop.
“Take a deep breath, Stacy. In and out. Just focus on that,” she guides, leaning closer to the computer screen. Following her instructions I close my eyes for the second time, breathing deeply a few times until I’ve calmed down. “Try again.”
“I was scared in that picture, and he looked...he looked so scary, satisfied. Evil. I started remembering how he used to touch me and then I threw up.” Taking a few additional deep breaths, I continue, “I was so frightened by it, it felt like he was actually right there. It still does. I can’t make it stop, Lainey,” I confess, embarrassed of how true that is. “When I picked up the photo from where I threw it, I saw it had writing on the back.”
“Look at me,” she commands politely, making my eyes jerk up in response, doing as she said. “There is no one here but the two of us. No one can hear what we say,” she tries to reassure me, and it helps.
“Okay,” I nod, “I’m okay now.” My reply not as convincing as I need it to be. “It said, ‘you’ll always be daddy’s baby doll’. That’s when I remembered he always called me that when he...did things.”
“You remembered more about that, I take it?” I nod quickly, brushing away the tears forming in my eyes. She waits patiently as I recount what memories resurfaced, asking questions along the way, and I feel marginally better by the time I’ve finished.
“Have you told anyone about the letter? Talked about what’s happened to you with anyone?” Why does she insist on asking me this everytime we talk?
“No. I can’t.”
“Stacy, this sounds to me like he could be stalking you. First he shows up at the funeral and corners you, and now he’s sending pictures. You need to tell someone about all of this.”
“I don’t want their pity, and besides, Xana has more than enough to deal with on her own without my baggage.”
“They won’t give you pity. From what you’ve told me, they’ll all support you. What about Cade? You’ve mentioned he has ideas about what’s been going on, so why don’t you let him help and just be there for you if you can’t talk to anyone else?” The small frown on her face tells me how I’ve let her down by not talking about this. “It’s not healthy to keep all of this bottled up inside. You have to let it out. Let your friends and Cade help you when things are too much to deal with on your own.”
She’s right. About everything. Every last word. I’m mad and disappointed in myself, but most of all, I’m scared to let people know this part of me. What if they leave me? “I understand what you’re saying and trying to do, but I don’t think I’m ready to do that. I’m not strong enough,” I whisper.
“What if I had some of the guys from Orion come down for a little while just in case he tries something else?” And have everyone wondering what is going on? No way. No one is going to follow me around anywhere, and I let her know that. It’s hard enough keeping them from finding out about my sessions with her. Lainey takes my silence as an opportunity to really voice her views about my strength and readiness to let people in, reiterating what we’ve already discussed. Instead of helping, it only adds fuel to the fire that has been brewing inside of me since I began to remember.
“Well, you’re wrong,” I disagree quietly but adamantly. “I’m not strong and I just want to forget. Why is it so bad that I want forget what he did to me? I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and all I really want right now is to forget everything.” My tiredness takes over as I lean over the table and bury my head into my crossed arms.
“Why haven’t you told me before now about not sleeping or eating? You should have been honest with me so I could help. It’s normal to feel this way.”
>
Trying to pull myself together, I wipe the tears away and look up to the screen. “I just hoped it would go away.” My voice tapers off as I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve been partly in denial.
“I understand, but it’s also alright to need help dealing with the things that are too hard to work out alone. You need to accept that.”
“Yeah, but it’s just really hard and I’m so damn exhausted.”
We talk for a few more minutes until our time is over. My nerves are on edge and I just want to be left alone. Fortunately, she is able to coordinate with my personal physician and the campus clinic and pharmacy, to get me something, just enough to allow me to sleep, but not too strong that I’m always sleepy or groggy. I really hope it helps.
“Stacy,” she begins, a serious look overtaking her face. “I’d really encourage you to talk to your friends, at least Xana or Cade, about what’s been going on, what you’ve remembered. Let them support you. They should know about this picture so they can help, or at least to help you stay safe.” Her words aren’t harsh, but their intention is clear. I need to let some of these feelings and emotions out before they take control, more than they already have.
“I’ll think about it, I promise, but I’m not ready yet. I just need a break.” She gives me an understanding, yet sad smile, and we confirm my session for the following Monday before ending our Skype call.
Gathering up my things, I leave the library for my dorm, thinking over our conversation as I walk back to my room. Absentmindedly, I make my way through various crowds, constantly scanning the students for signs of danger, my father, what I can remember him to look like at least.
I’m mad. Mad at what he did to me. Mad about letting it get to me enough to make me afraid of everything. I’m angry at the fact it’s pushing me away from those I’m closest to, making me doubt my value when they find out. Lainey tries constantly to convince me that they won’t run away or leave me, but it’s so very hard to believe her. They’re loved, and safe...normal. How could they continue to be around me and all the drama that follows? It’s just too much. I hate him for that.
Stacy was supposed to meet me at the science building courtyard after our afternoon class, just like we always do on Fridays, but she never showed. I thought maybe her class was cancelled until a few of her classmates passed me while I waited. Immediately, I knew something was wrong, so here I am, waiting on the front steps of her dorm, Beckner Hall, for her to appear. I’ve tried to be patient, give her space, but I can no longer do that. Things aren’t getting any better for her, or us.
So many scenarios run through my mind as I try to anticipate what might happen and how I need to respond, that I have no idea how long I’ve sat here before she approaches me, scowling. I realize she doesn’t see me sitting here, so I stand in order to gain her attention.
“Hey, babe,” I greet her as she nearly knocks me down because she really isn’t paying attention to anything. Grabbing her shoulders I get her to look at me.
“Huh?” she mutters before comprehending what’s just happened.
“Hey,” I say again, observing her closely. She looks like hell. “Where were you? I waited for you after class.” She pulls back and shakes her frowning head.
“I had a thing,” she mumbles and moves toward the front doors, making me follow behind her.
She checks me in at the front desk and we walk to her empty room in silence. My hand resting on her lower back, I can clearly feel how tense her muscles are underneath my fingers. Letting us in, she sets her things on her bed before turning to look at me. She frowns at me standing against the closed door, then places her hands on her hips.
“Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me?” she snaps, even more agitated when I continue to stand in place, just as I am, one foot propped flat against the door.
“Well?” she questions, but I give her no response at all. “Fine, if you aren’t going to say anything, you can just go now.” She moves toward me and the door, but I don’t stand up straight until we are within inches of each other.
Uncrossing my arms, I reach out to pull her against me, but that just makes her more agitated. “Talk to me,” I demand, my voice low, harder than I’d like, as I speak into her ear. I watch as her body stands on alert while she comprehends the situation. I’m not letting her go without talking.
“What do you mean?” She’s hoping I’ll change my mind and not continue this conversation, but she’s shit out of luck on this one.
“I know something’s wrong. Tell me what it is that’s bothering you.” I try remaining calm while I wait for her to say something, but I can feel she’s still going to hide it from me.
“I am just fine,” she says but I’m not tolerating her denial any longer.
“Don’t even try it. Stop pretending you’re okay. You can’t hide from me, babe. You know better. Just talk to me,” I plead gently, hoping to reach beyond her walls.
“I said I. AM. FINE,” she shouts back, trying to push away from me but failing.
“I call bullshit!” I growl, looking down at her, more frustrated than ever. “Quit hiding from me! You’ve been disappearing all the time, skipping out on me and your friends, on Xana, without so much as an explanation, or word of apology! What’s going on that you’re trying to keep away from us?”
Not having any more questions from me, she forces her way out of my hold, shoving me backward into the door in the process. “STOP!”
“Let me in, Stace,” I beg, reaching for her. “Just let me in!” I try to take hold of her hands, but she jerks them away. “Let me help,” I plead desperately. All I want to do is help the woman I love with whatever she needs.
“I said there’s nothing!” She shouts, backing a few steps away from me, her eyes full of fear. “Leave it alone, Cade! You don’t need to know anything!”
I take a few steps in her direction, arms out in front of me in placation. “Just talk to me. Let me in so I can help you be strong. I want to know what’s wrong.” By now, my voice breaks on the last word and I can’t take it anymore. I’m getting to the bottom of this one way or another.
“Fine! You wanna know what’s wrong? What I’m hiding? Do you?” Her face turns angry as she shouts at me and I stand there in silence, waiting to see what she is going to do. She’s getting madder by the minute, losing complete control of herself.
“Well, I’ll tell you! I’ll tell you that my father touched me and did things to me when I was little! That he would wait ‘til my ‘mother’ was gone to work, or wherever she went at night! He touched me and made me do that to him! You want to hear how filthy I am? How ruined and worthless I am?!” She fights the tears forming in her eyes, and my white knuckles are in fists by my thighs.
I rush forward and yank her to me, just as her knees buckle, causing her stance to fall, tears run down her face and onto my shirt. Holding her tightly, I run a soothing hand vertically across her back as she releases gut-wrenching sobs and repeats ‘no’ over and over again. Doing all I can to soothe her, I mutter in her ear how much I love her and how I’m going to protect her. Never releasing my hold, I pick her up, her legs instantly moving to wrap around my waist while her arms cling together around my neck. She buries her head into my shoulder as I cross the room to sit us on her bed. Leaning against the headboard, she straddles my lap as her sobs carry on.
I sit there for as long as necessary, until her cries begin to slow and her body’s shaking tapers off. I had a good idea of what happened with her dad, but hearing it straight from her, nearly does me in. I will make that S.O.B. pay for hurting her. Soon, she’s calmed down and I can see when the exhaustion sets in.
Brushing the hair from her face, I say, “It’s gonna be alright, babe. Close your eyes and sleep. I’ll be right here with you.” Shifting in my lap slightly, her eyes open for a moment, she says ‘okay’, and is swiftly asleep in my arms.
Pulling my phone from my back pocket, with some difficulty, I text Xana.
ME: Found St
ace. Talked.
X-CUBE: And? How is she? Do you need me to come there?
The nickname she programmed for herself in my phone makes me chuckle in spite of how serious the present situation is..
ME: Not right now. She’s asleep. I’ll text you later.
X-CUBE: Okay. Take care of her.
Looking down at her sleeping form in my lap, I place a kiss on her head, finally releasing a deep breath. I hate that I had to push her past her limit, but I simply couldn’t let things go on the way they were. She’s too important to me to turn the other way.
ME: I’m not leaving.
Finished with texting, I place my phone on the desk so I can move to lay her out on the bed beside me with her back to the wall. Quietly, I carefully place her things on the desk as well, and lie back down. Stretching to get comfortable, I pull her into my arms and place her head on my chest. My fingers intertwine with hers while I focus on watching her sleep. I’ll kill that bastard.
Stacy sleeps restlessly for almost four hours before Noel and Xana show up. It’s after six and they wanted to check on us before heading to our house for dinner. I carefully slide out from under her so I can talk to them out in the hall.
“How bad is it?” she asks, leaving the door ajar so we can keep an eye on Stacy.
“She finally broke, cried until she fell asleep. I…” I pause, rubbing my hands down my face. “I’ll kill him.”
Xana buries her face in his side in an attempt to stifle her crying. Noel and I share a long, meaningful stare, communicating to each other in our own special way. He has my back in whatever I need. Raising his chin in confirmation of his support, he pulls her face away from his chest and wipes her tears away.
“I’m not leaving her here tonight. I don’t give a rat’s ass if she protests, she’s coming home with me.” Movement in the corner of my eye has me stepping inside the room, the two of them following behind me.
I sit back down beside her while Xana rummages around in her closet gathering her laundry and clothes for tomorrow. She and Stace always use our washer and dryer on the weekends to do their laundry. That seems to be our weekend routine these days.
