by Xana Jordan
“Xan?” I get her attention, my apprehension clear, so she mutes the movie’s sound, giving me her undivided attention.
“What’s wrong? I mean, I know I’ve not been around a lot lately, but you realize you can tell me anything, right?” My question throws her off guard for a quick moment before her wall is back in place. Stiffening her back to sit straight, she throws my words right back at me.
“You know that works both ways. You can talk to me about anything.” Her pointed, no-playing-around glare makes me uncomfortable, because she’s right to remind me of that. In all my attempts to deal with my problems on my own, I’ve forgotten the ones that can help me most, regardless of their own personal issues. How foolish was I?
“Yeah,” is all the reply I can give before she continues, thankfully cutting me some slack.
“My PCOS is bad, Stace. I’ve been on new meds for it that make me sick a lot. They’ve helped some, but I still have a lot of bad scarring from the cysts. They’re talking about surgery, possibly soon. Even with it, pregnancy isn’t guaranteed,” her voice tapers off with her last words, my heart breaking for her.
“Shit, Sweets. That’s a lot to process. How long have they been talking about operating?”
“Since this summer.” Tears fall from her eyes as she looks down to where she’s picking at her pajama shorts hem. My feel fling from the bed, carrying me to sit beside her, hugging her like a bear. We sit for a few moments until she decides to continue.
“I’m scared. Scared that even surgery won’t help me.”
“What does Noel have to say?” She wipes away tears with a swipe of her hand, and blows her nose.
“Just that he loves me. That I should do whatever I need to be healthy.”
“That’s good, right? He’s always thinking of you.”
A small, timid laugh erupts from inside her that makes us smile. “It’s good.” She pauses to blow her nose again, tossing the tissue toward the trash can, missing entirely.
“His mom miscarried several times after having him. It’s been nice having her to talk to.” Looking around the room, she sighs loudly. Not facing me directly, she shays, “I want Noel’s baby, Stace. If I can’t give him that, give us that, I don’t know what I’ll do.” Having shocked me into silence, she elaborates. “He says it won’t matter, but it will matter to me. We’ve even stopped using protection since the chances are so slim.”
“What the bloody Hell, Xana?! Have you lost your mind? Have the two of you really thought this through? All of it?” I tried to keep my voice even, conversational, but judgement and chastisement crept in anyway.
Jerking upright from her position on the bed, she paces the room, biting her lip while twirling her hair around her shaky fingers. “Of course we have. When have I ever done something without thinking it through? It’s all we’ve talked about, even argued about, but I can’t help how I feel.” Well, Hell. This is killing her.
“Have you mentioned this to your parents?”
“They’ve talked to the doctors, just like we have, and they’re worried, too. Do they like the idea of me having a baby so soon, while I’m quite possibly still in school? Hell, no. Neither do his parents, but they understand how hard it is to say goodbye to a dream, even after getting to have it once.”
The helplessness that exudes from her is overwhelming. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be forced to make a decision like that, having never wanted children of my own. Hell, I still don’t. Cade is amazing, and I love him, but I’m more of a ‘spoil them rotten and love them on visits’ kind of gal. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but having one of my own doesn’t fit me. Definitely not right now, anyway.
“You really have considered every angle, huh?” Xana stops pacing to stand right in front of me.
“Yeah. Mom and Dad don’t necessarily like it, but they promised to support our decision, whatever we do. They know how slim my chances are if I wait until the time is right. Noel and I know it won’t be easy with a baby and school, but if that’s how it happens, we’ll take it.”
“You know I’ll be there to help, however I can, don’t you? Please, don’t feel like you have to keep quiet about what’s going on. We’re sisters by choice, remember?” She plops beside me, smothering me in a hug.
“I won’t, but now it’s your turn to remember that. Talk to me,” she pleads in my ear.
Closing my eyes, I squeeze her tightly one last time before pulling out of our embrace, inhaling deeply. Slowly releasing that breath, I begin my own overdue confession.
“The attack on campus and the safety class Orion gave triggered a lot of memories from my childhood that I’d blocked out.” Taking another deep breath to steady my voice, I look at my best friend-turned-sister. “My sperm donor,” I can’t hide the venom in my words, “did a lot of things to me that no father, or anyone else, should ever do to a child or other human being. For the most part, I only remember flashes of things without any links to specific incidents, but they’re not good, just the same.”
She takes my hands in hers, holding them in silent support, as tears flow down her already puffy face. “Oh, Stace,” she mumbles with raw emotion.
“There’s one time I can remember vividly, though.” My mind travels back to that time and place, just like I’d never left. “Trish was at work that night, and I was home with him. I can’t remember how or why I woke up, but I did. Maybe he heard me, or something, but he came into my room and told me I could stay up to watch television with him.” A disgruntled laugh escapes me as I think about those words. Xana’s thumbs brush across my hands in a relaxing, almost hypnotizing, rhythm, causing me to zone out, for the briefest of seconds, before resuming my tale.
“He was wearing a robe and motioned for me to lie with him on the couch. ‘Don’t tell your momma’ he said as we sat down. ‘It’s our secret you’re staying up late.’ He grinned at me with a finger over his mouth to remind me not to tell, and I nodded back. I was so excited to stay up late and watch more television, I didn’t question anything. He’d been drinking, which wasn’t anything new, making it easy to feel like things were normal. It wasn’t long before he…” The memory is still so fresh in my mind, hurting me physically to say it aloud, that unwanted tears begin to fall when I close my eyes to keep from seeing the look on my best friend’s face.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anymore,” she reassures, handing me a tissue.
“Yeah, I do. For me,” I explain. “I can still feel the way he felt when he led my hand inside his underwear.” My eyes are clenched shut as I fight the urge to vomit, then shower all over again. “He did the same to me, almost giddy about it. I knew something was wrong with what we did, but he was my dad, ya know? ‘Parents don’t do bad things’ I told myself, so it must be okay.”
She throws her arms around me so fiercely I can barely draw a breath, but I welcome the intensity of her embrace. I need that connection we’ve always shared to draw strength from.
“Oh, Stacy,” she repeats in a teary whisper.
“I don’t really know how long we did that, or if anything else happened. I’m not sure is he stopped because Trish came home, or if…” A sob rips from my body as my wall of bravery crumbles around me.
“Sssh,” she whispers, running her hand over my back in an up and down motion. “I’m here.”
“That’s the one thing I remember, clearly, and I pray with every fiber of my being that I never, ever recall anything else, ‘cause I’m not sure I’ll be strong enough to handle any other memories like that. I can’t get those images out of my head, like I can still feel it.”
“You can lean on me now,” she vows, my tension reducing slightly.
Rocking us side to side, Xana lets me cry as much as I need, shedding quite a few tears of her own. Telling Cade was therapeutic in its own right, but this feels like I’m finally on the way to being the whole me again.
Faces dry and tear free, we break into the bag of chocolate fudge cookies Noel brough
t us with dinner, then find another movie to watch for the night.
“I should thank Caveman for dinner and these amazing cookies, but that’d make him think I’ve grown soft, or something,” I tell her, licking the gooey chocolate crumbs from my fingers.
“Ahahahahaha! Yeah, he’d lord that over you for awhile, for sure,” she giggles in agreement, eating the last cookie without shame. “You two are always antagonizing each other.”
“I have no idea what you’re referring to, hooker lips.” My attempt at feigning innocence results in both of us laughing like loons. This, right here, is exactly what I’ve desperately needed. Girl time. Sister time.
Curling up under the blankets, I settle in to watch one more movie before succumbing to my body’s desire for sleep. Xana moves about the room, locking the door and turning off the main lights, leaving only my desk lamp on, while I forward through the opening credits and previews to stop at the beginning of our final, agreed upon viewing entertainment for the night. Johnny Depp can cure anything. I swear he just gets better with age. I imagine he’ll be a sexy silver fox like Sean Connery. Mmmm.
Everything in its place for the night, Xana climbs into bed alongside me, her pillow in tow. Once snuggled together, we let ourselves get lost in the search for lost treasure, talking about random topics along the way.
We both have a lot on our plates to deal with, but our friendship, sisterhood, will see us through anything that comes our way.
The past few weeks have flown by as November arrived, classes more intensely, preparing for semester exams and the upcoming holidays. I’ve had a few more counseling sessions with Mrs. Cassiano, some with Cade, and I feel a lot more like myself, the old me. I haven’t had to take any sleeping meds in over a week, and I’m no longer avoiding my friends.
I’ve shared a few things about my past with Xana, just enough that she has a better understanding, but not enough that I’d have to retell every detail. She listened and didn’t ask for anything I didn’t already say. It felt good to be close to my best friend, my sister, again. We’ve almost gotten back to how things were before everything started to fall apart, yet, I know she has more going on in her life that she hasn’t shared with me. She’s always trying to handle things alone.
“Are you about done studying?” Cade closes his textbook and tosses it on the coffee table. Stretching his body, he leans back and yawns loudly. “I can’t look at the Renaissance Era any longer or my brain’s gonna fall out.” His arms rest along the back of the couch and his eyes are closed, the two day stubble he’s acquired making him more handsome than ever.
“Yeah, all this medical terminology is starting to look like Greek. I can’t read straight anymore.” I throw my notebook on top of his book and lay my head in his lap, rubbing my throbbing temples and stretching my legs over the arm of the sofa. His hands replace mine and begin massaging where I need it. “Aaah, that feels so good. You’re hands are magic, I swear.” I can’t help but moan as his strong fingers erase the tension in my head, of course, making him laugh in the process.
“That’s not all you said last night,” he teases, wiggling his brows at me when I open my eyes to peer up at him. Flinging my arm up and backward, I smack his shoulder with the back of my hand.
“Shut up! I wasn’t the only one talking about magic hands, either,” I shoot right back at him, a satisfied grin on my face.
“I wasn’t complaining,” his tone still holds the lighthearted teasing from earlier, but is laced with a subtle hint of desire that makes me clench my knees together in response.
“Neither was I,” my voice steady and a little breathy. Staring at each other intensely, we both crack up laughing at ourselves, each enjoying how our lives have returned back to normal, for the most part.
“It’s only ten o’clock. Wanna go run with me? I can’t sit still for another minute.” His head, bowed over me, takes my breath away. Even upside down he’s gorgeous.
“That would be amazing. I miss getting to run.”
“Well, get up, lazy bones, and get changed.”
“Are we running in the neighborhood, or on campus?” I pull my body from the sofa and swing my feet to the carpeted floor.
“We’re gonna to go campus. I like the lighting better, and I know you’ll feel better running there.” He pops me on the butt while moving us toward his bedroom so I can change from my jeans and blouse. How does he read my mind like that?
We’ve stopped in front of the Student Center to sit on the deck for a break, when Gavin and Mallory walk by and notice us. “What are you two doing out here,” Mallory calls out to us from the bottom of the deck steps.
“Just out doing some running. Where are y’all headed?” I motion for them to come join us, and they make their way to sit with us.
“I just got off work, and we’re headed to my room for while,” she motions to the dorm across the street. “I can’t wait for Thanksgiving break. My brain needs time off.”
“Yeah, and I could use some of Grandma’s leftovers.” Gavin rubs his stomach, only to have Mal hit him there.
“You are always eating! You can’t be that starving,” she reprimands.
“Sounds like Cade. I don’t know how he affords to eat like that.” My glance turns to look at him, rolling my eyes at his grinning face.
“Hey, don’t hate me because I metabolize.” The wicked grin he shows us makes me laugh.
“You really are a goofball,” I joke teasingly. “Guys are all the same.” Mallory and I giggle at the hurt expressions on their faces.
Gav pulls her into his lap and tickles her. “You know I’m not like everyone else, admit it.”
“Aaah, stop! Please? I give! I give!” her laughter brings tears to her eyes and I laugh at them both.
“You think that’s funny, eh?” Cade attacks me the same way, and I try desperately to free myself from his torture, but have no luck. Secret weapon, it is.
“Nooo! I’m gonna pee! Stop!” I’m released quickly and nearly fall out of my chair, a move that’s sure to make good on my promise to pee. Wiping my tears from my eyes, I straighten in my seat. “You’re incorrigible,” I pretend to be irritated, straightening my shirt from its twisted state.
They all laugh, me joining them without hesitation. “Ugh, we’d better finish up our run before it gets too late. I don’t like being out in the dark for long.” I stand and pull Cade from his chair, Gavin and Mallory following suit.
“Guess we’re going,” he says to our friends, walking us down the steps.
“See you tomorrow, Stace,” Mallory calls out as they walk back toward our dorm, Gavin nodding to Cade in return.
“Jog with me back to the truck?” He brushes a stray hair from my eyes, like he always does, and smiles.
“Perfect.” We hit the sidewalk, keeping pace with each other, just slow enough to talk easily if we wanted to.
Halfway back to the parking lot, I speak, my accelerated breathing making it a little hard to sound normal. “I used to run when the dreams kept me awake.” He snaps his head to mine, his steps faltering for a brief second.
“What about now?”
We’ve reached the our parking spot, coming to a stop, and face one another by the front of the truck. “I’m running because I want to. It clears my mind, and it makes me feel stronger.” A smile forms on his face, while running the palm of his hand across my cheek.
“Babe, you’re the strongest person I know. Even before. It’s one of the things I love most about you.” His honest, sincere words cause my breath to hitch, tiny flutters taking over my stomach.
“One you love the most?” I know there are more, but I’m not ashamed to admit I need to hear them.
“Yep. The thing I love most about you is that even though you’re strong, independent, and love to challenge me,” we laugh at how accurate that part is, “you let me see how vulnerable you are. You entrust me with that part of you to take care of and protect.” Holy shiz, does he ever have a way with words.
“I do. Trust you. You’re the only guy I’ve ever let see me that way. I couldn’t let anyone but you in.”
Taking me in his arms, he lifts me from the ground, wrapping my legs around his waist. My arms now around his neck, tangle in his soft, chocolate brown hair, finding resistance when I pull gently. He presses my back up against the truck door, attacking my mouth like he’s starving to taste me. Caught up in the sensations and emotions being with Cade brings, I meet him with equal fervor before pulling away, slowly. “Take me home.”
Resuming our kiss, his hands reach inside the pocket of his sweatpants for his keys, clumsily unlocking the door when they’re found. Our connection only ends when he has placed me in my seat and buckled me in. Door closed, I try and catch my breath while he walks around to get in the driver’s side. Twitching his index finger at me, I do as he wants, sliding across the cab and snuggle into his side. Arm around my waist, we pull out of the lot driving back to his house in intense silence.
This is where I always want to be. Here with Cade, wrapped and protected in his arms.
Stace is curled up into my chest, my free arm securely holding her. She’s still just as relaxed as she was after our first joint session with her counselor. It’s been about three weeks since I first went with her after the memories started coming back. Twenty one days of healing and coming to terms with everything that she’s been through.
She finally relented in seeking a protective order against her sperm donor, pressing charges and dragging her grandparents through Hell to do so, not being something she was willing to do. Between Xana’s parents and my parents she had more than enough back up to do what was needed, no one asking her for too many details about her experiences. We’ve all come to an agreement to never speak of it again, once she’s mentally at a good place with those events, and move forward with our lives.
