Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts)

by Nicole Smith

  INDWELL

  By

  Nicole T Smith

  * * * * *

  PUBLISHED BY:

  Nicole T Smith on Amazon

  INDWELL

  Copyright © 2010 by Nicole T Smith

  CONTENTS

  1. The Move 3

  2. Adam 11

  3. Bursting 15

  4. Reveal 23

  5. Fate 33

  6. Dance 42

  7. The Gift 49

  8. Broken 60

  9. Letting Go 65

  10. Betrayal 75

  11. Millicent 83

  12. Diamonds 102

  13. Lessons 111

  14. Wild Flowers 119

  15. The Journey 145

  16. Seekers 160

  17. Lights 174

  18. A Fairy-tale 199

  19. A Nightmare 208

  20. Despair 220

  21. It Begins 227

  1. THE MOVE

  As we drove up north I realized something was different this time. All of our essentials were packed into suitcases here in the car with us, not in the moving van. I glanced out the back window and realized we didn’t have the moving van with us anymore either.

  “Where are we going?” I asked my mother.

  “We are going to my mother’s house for a few days,” she said staring out the window, seeming a million miles away. I didn’t press further. What did it matter anymore where we went?

  The arrival didn’t go as well as my mother had hoped. I believe my grandmother was shocked to see us. I don’t think she had even called her to tell her we were coming. John, Luke and I sat in the car and watched her in the doorway asking if we could stay. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I could tell she was begging. I saw her head drop and my grandmother scowled.

  “John, do you know where dad went with the van?” I asked calmly.

  “I don’t know. I have no idea what they’re doing now,” he seemed lost in his own thoughts. I wished he would talk to me more. I know he was mad about moving to another high school but he never vented.

  “What is going on?” I asked when she returned to the car.

  “Calm down. Let’s go inside and talk,” my mother said as she picked up her suitcase.

  As it turned out, she couldn’t live with her mother’s rules and she quickly set out to find us a house to rent. My grandmother was very strict. She controlled when we could eat, when we went to bed, what we were allowed to watch on television. I didn’t blame my mother for wanting to get out. I just didn’t know then what the alternative was going to be.

  I was shocked that she sold her car but she said she would need the money for rent since she didn’t know when our father was going to return. The house she found was nice enough from the outside as we pulled into the driveway. My uncle William helped us bring what few belongings we had, into the house. The town, or village, as I would prefer to call it was so tiny. There was just one main road, with the variety store, liquor store, post office and hardware store all within view from the front porch.

  It was winter and the town looked deserted. My mother said that in the summer the cottages opened and there would be a lot more people around. I walked through the door and down the narrow front hallway which led to the living room. The dining room in the front of the house would eventually become the `master bedroom’ as soon as my mother put up the curtains. The kitchen was at the back of the house. It didn’t seem like it belonged to the house, I think it was an addition. The tiles were really cold on my bare feet.

  Upstairs there were two bedrooms and the only bathroom. Being a girl, I was lucky I wouldn’t have to share a bedroom. I was given the small room looking out onto the backyard. My brother’s took the larger room that faced the main street. It was cold upstairs too.

  “Annie, are you sure you’re going to be okay here?” my uncle asked my mother as we looked around.

  “You’re a thirty minute drive from your mother’s house and you don’t have a car anymore. When are you going to get your furniture?” he asked. I was very curious about this myself.

  “I’ve left messages with Travis and I’ve called a few people who might be in touch with him. I’ve asked them to let him know that I’ve found a place and really need our furniture out of storage, so hopefully by the end of the week. Until then we’ll just have to make do,” she said as if it was nothing but a slight inconvenience. I wanted to punch something or someone, but unfortunately the target I had in mind wasn’t around.

  “I’ll see what I can spare for you. I’ll be back in a few days to check in,” he said frowning.

  “I guess you’re not going to have a phone for a while either?” My mother sighed and avoided the question.

  “Thank you for all your help today, but don’t worry about us, we’ve survived worse,” she said, trying to put his mind at ease.

  “I’ll see you soon,” he said as he walked out and shut the door. The four of us just stood there, in the silence and the cold.

  “Now what do we do?” John asked. I could tell he was starting to feel the same as me. There was a feeling of anxiety and dread that had washed over me as soon as I entered this house.

  “Well, let’s get some sleeping arrangements worked out,” my mother ordered as she grabbed the four blankets her mother gave us before we left and the camping mats she found in her basement. She walked upstairs and then came back down shaking her head.

  “Until this house warms up, I’m afraid we are all going to camp downstairs.” She unrolled the mats on the living room floor and laid out the blankets. She began to unpack the clothes from the suitcases and put them down as well.

  “What are you doing? I have to wear that to school on Monday,” I wailed as I grabbed my sweater from her.

  “They’ll be giving you and John uniforms on Monday, so don’t worry about a couple of wrinkled shirts okay,” she informed us as she grabbed the sweater back. I just stared at her, wondering how worse things were going to get.

  I was used to starting new schools and I didn’t think entering grade eleven at this catholic school would be any different from the others. The uniform helped, because at least I didn’t have to worry about people finding out I only had two pants, two shirts and a sweater to my name.

  The bus came early Monday morning to take John and I to the closest high school, which was more than thirty minutes away. I walked up the steps and felt the heat radiating from the front of the bus. I choose the first empty seat and slid over to the window.

  It didn’t take long for me to realize most of these kids have known each other since junior kindergarten. I sat near the back in each class, not wanting to give them a chance to point and whisper “Who’s the new girl?” I was bitter, but I think I had every right at the time.

  I met Justin that day. His locker was two down from mine. He was a tall, skinny kid with curly blond hair, just long enough to make him look a little rebellious. I liked him instantly.

  “Hey, I’m Justin,” he said sliding his shoulder over the lockers to meet me.

  “Hi, I’m Natalie,” I said smiling.

  “So, since you’re new here, if you want, I can show you around this town sometime. There isn’t much to do, but if you’re cool, I can bring you to some places,” he said grinning. I noticed his eyes were looking a little slanted and red. They reminded me of my father’s when he went on a binging spree.

  “Maybe, sometime, that might be nice,” I said, feeling unsure about this boy, but still intrigued.

  At lunch I was going to slip in to the library to read, when Justin grabbed my arm. “Come on Natalie, have lunch with me today. I want to introduce you to some friends,” he pleaded.

 
“Alright, just let go of my arm. Are you always this pushy?” I asked, slightly irritated.

  “I’m sorry, after you Madame,” he said gesturing down the hall, releasing his grip.

  “Thank you, finally some respect,” I said laughing a little as he put his hands behind his back and walked beside me. As we entered the cafeteria, I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces. That’s when he carefully grabbed my hand and said, “This way.” He led me to a large table with just a few empty seats. They all cheered when Justin arrived. He must be one of those people that everybody liked, a friend to everyone. He introduced me to the people closest to us, trying not to overwhelm me with too many names. Christie was closest to me and seemed again generally nice. I think that she felt if Justin was okay with me, then she would be too. We chatted, mostly about where I was from, which is always a hard question for me, because I’ve been from so many different places.

  Even though I was going home, back to that empty, cold house in that dreadful little village, I was beginning to feel better. When I entered the house, my mother was still curled up under the blankets, Luke asleep beside her. I wondered if he went to school today. I didn’t think so. John walked in behind me and asked if there was anything to eat.

  “In the kitchen, Uncle Willie came by with a few bags of food and some more blankets, see?” It was like my mother seemed to think it was gold as she held them up to show us. As the weeks went by without our father showing up, we started losing faith. I think my mother was suffering the most. Not only was cabin fever setting in but so was her depression. She rarely got up out of the blankets. I took control of getting Luke up and ready for the bus and cleaning the dishes. Food was becoming an issue. My mother was starting to completely depend on handouts from her family. I was so embarrassed for all of us.

  The restaurant across the street told me they would hire me in the summer, but not now. Christmas was just a week away and unfortunately holidays would be starting soon. I wouldn’t have an escape from this house for two weeks. I’m going to go crazy too. I knew I would. One night, I woke up to my mother’s screams. Luke was smashing something with the baseball bat my mother kept next to her at night. John jumped up and grabbed it from him.

  “What are you doing?” he yelled at him. I quickly ran for the light. We just looked down in horror, then back to Luke. Silently, John put the baseball bat down and grabbed some newspaper to pick up the squished black bat that our little brother had just beaten to a pulp. This was the first time I realized Luke may have some issues.

  A few days later, Uncle Willie arrived with a Christmas tree. Why bother, I thought.

  “We don’t have any decorations,” I said, forgetting my inside voice.

  “We’ll think of something,” my mother said, trying to sound cheerful.

  “I know, we’ll make popcorn and string it around the tree.” It was simple when we were done and surprisingly cheery. I liked it without lights and glittery balls. It was so painfully simple. It was perfect for this house. As long as squirrels don’t jump out causing Luke to reach for the bat, I thought, smiling to myself. It’s strange what makes you laugh in such sad situations.

  On Christmas morning my mother put out the gifts that the church had sent over. I was surprised, because I really didn’t think there would be anything. We decided to draw it out for as long as possible, so each one of us opened our boxes slowly, one at a time. Luke was content enough with his truck, socks and mitts which he put on immediately. John liked his chocolates, which he shared with all of us. He was also given some comics, socks and gloves. Then it was my turn. I slowly opened the first box and pulled out my socks and mitts, which I put on right away too. There were a few hair clips. The second box held something light. I slowly peeled away the tissue paper and opened the lid. Instantly I felt hot tears sting my eyes.

  “I hate it,” I simply stated, unable to control myself. My tone invoked concern in everyone as they stopped what they were doing to look at me.

  “It’s not that ugly,” Luke said peeking in.

  “It’s something you would give a little girl, not a sixteen year old,” I cried, feeling awful as I picked it up.

  “I’m so sorry,” my mother said, truly wishing now that she had peeked into the box before giving it to me.

  “It’s going to be okay. I’ll take you out shopping someday,” she said. I tried to hide my laughter at that. I really didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I was sinking. In that moment the reality of our situation hit me. We were squatters in an empty house. We were basically homeless. I could feel my head spinning. I had to get out.

  “I’m going outside,” I said as I stood and dropped the hideous Raggedy Ann stuffed doll to the floor.

  “It’s cold outside. Are you okay, Natalie?” my mother asked cautiously.

  “I’ll be okay. I just need some air,” I said, trying to reassure her. She went to her blankets and lay down again. I dressed as best I could for the cold and numbly walked outside. I had no interest in seeing people or their houses all lit up, cozy and warm. I didn’t want to peek in their windows. I didn’t want to see their couches and chairs. I didn’t want to think of the other kids getting out of their beds, putting on their slippers and running downstairs to see all the pretty packages stacked under the tree with the lights and glitter. I didn’t want to see any of it.

  I was numb. I wanted it all to end. I couldn’t go on like this. I was exhausted. I was done. I walked around the house. I had never been in the backyard before, and what I didn’t know was that if you kept walking eventually you would come across a fast running river. I walked towards it like it was calling to me. The river was frozen around the edges, but below the thin layer of ice in the middle, you could see the water still running. It was pretty. I sunk down onto the bank, feeling as though the river was summoning me forward. I knew I had to fight it. I was starting to lose faith in myself though. I could not ignore it. The river was my answer. I could just walk out there until I broke through the ice. I didn’t know how deep it was, but it was fast and wide. I would freeze before getting back to the shore. I could picture this in my mind. It seemed like the answer I was looking for. As I began to step forward I saw someone. I stopped and looked through the trees across the river. The sky was dark and grey, casting black shadows on the empty trees. Someone was there, I felt it somehow. He was standing at the edge of the river now, straight across from me. He was staring at me. He didn’t look evil or scary. He actually looked quite beautiful. His stare wasn’t menacing, it was more like he was curious as to what my next step was going to be. He was waiting for me to move. He was watching me.

  I thought of Cheveyo for the first time in years. Losing him was so painful that I would cry myself to sleep for months afterward. Why am I thinking of him now? Will this beautiful boy go away from me too? It doesn’t matter.

  “I’m going into the river,” I whispered to myself. I saw him nod, but I knew there was no way he could have heard me from across the river.

  I took another step onto the ice. He was still there. He took a step onto the ice at the same time I did. Again I stepped and so did he. I wanted to shout at him to stop. This wasn’t his problem, it was mine. I took another step, stepping quicker now. I heard the ice start to creak. Any closer and I’d probably go in. I was compelled to continue. I wanted it. I stepped again, and then I started to run. I felt the ice give way. I closed my eyes as I felt myself falling. I quickly realized I wasn’t wet or cold. As I opened my eyes, I looked down and saw his arms wrapped around my waist. We were back on the edge of the river, as if I had never been out there at all.

  “Why did you do that? How did you do that?” I cried. I was feeling angry and amazed all at once. I looked up into his grey-blue eyes and saw he was smiling at me.

  “Is this funny to you?” I said, annoyed now. How dare he be so smug when I was feeling so vulnerable?

  “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice sounding sincere.

  “I don’t want to upset y
ou. I only want to save you,” he said.

  “Save me from what?” I asked bitterly.

  “I wanted to save you from the freezing cold water. I didn’t want to watch you tremble uncontrollably and turn blue. I know the cold water would have settled into your lungs making it hurt too much to breathe, so much so that you would have to stop trying. That’s basically what I was trying to save you from,” he explained calmly.

  “Maybe that’s exactly what I wanted,” I whispered, more to myself than him. That’s when he reached for me, wrapping his arms around me. He lifted my feet out of the snow and placed them on his boots. It was such a sweet thing to do. I immediately felt warmer. I almost felt happy. I almost forgot why I was out here to begin with. He carefully placed his arms under my legs and lifted me up.

  “You don’t have to carry me,” I told him, although I really didn’t want him to put me down as he began to walk towards the house. I rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me effortlessly through the snow to the back door. I felt so safe and warm in his arms. He set me down on the back porch.

  “Will you go inside and rest now? I’ll come back later to see you, I promise,” he smiled and I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

  “I do feel tired but do you promise to come back, really? Why?” I asked, not feeling too hopeful.

  “Of course I will. I’ll stay for as long as you need me too,” he turned away.

  “WAIT!” I yelled.

  “Oh-no!” I whispered as he turned back to me. He can’t come back later and see me. I can’t have anyone over at this place. It is not a place for friends to visit.

  “Can I meet you somewhere else, instead of you coming to see me here?” I asked, unsure of where in this village I could possibly meet him.

  “Please don’t worry. I’ll be here when you’re ready to see me again,” he said smiling.

  “But I am ready. I do want to see you, just not here at my house,” I begged, not really understanding what he meant by `ready’. I just didn’t want to lose this new friend so soon.