by Blue Saffire
“I hope they make Victor as happy as you do. You know, I don’t think he was really going to quit with me if you weren’t around,” Alex said with sadness in his voice.
“I know. I still don’t think he wants to.”
“I know… he’s scared. I think he feels like he is letting the rest of the crew down. We did what we could for them. I tried to tell everyone how to build they paper. If they didn’t listen, that’s not on us.”
“Victor may not trust them all, but they’re all still his family. I guess he is having a hard time with that.”
“Yeah Tali, but we’re his family. We have to let this go,” he said, sounding as if he was thinking out loud. “Sometimes I can’t sleep at night. Especially knowing it’s not me that Victor lets go out into the danger. He has always protected me. Having you around gives him one more excuse to keep me out of things.”
“Why do you think that is?” I turned to look up at him.
“I don’t know. I think he promised my moms he would look after me. Or he feels he has to because of her,” he shrugged. “I don’t remember as much about back then as he does.”
“Let’s talk about something else.” I didn’t feel good. My stomach was getting uneasy. I hate talking about Victor and Alex’s past, it’s so sad.
“Did you pick their names yet?” he asked perking up.
“Yes, but that is a surprise,” I chimed.
Alex spent the next half hour trying to talk me into telling him the babies’ names. Names are important to Alex and Victor both. Victor said it was all his mother ever gave him. Alex said he thinks it’s more because Alex’s mother gave Victor their last name and really treated him like family.
Alex said Victor taught him to be proud of his name. I liked that about them. I wanted to give my boys names that were important to me that they would be proud of.
Alex was on the verge of cracking me when his phone rang. He picked it up laughing at me trying to hold out on him. Alex knows I tell him everything, he’s my best friend besides Victor.
Once he put the phone to his ear all the laughter stopped. “Get dressed,” he rushed out to me as he frantically tapped my leg.
I got up immediately to do as he said. I threw on some sweatpants, sneakers, and grabbed my jacket. Alex was in the elevator holding it open when I got back out the living room. As I got in the elevator, I could see something was really wrong. He had a blank look on his face and his hands were shaking.
I couldn’t bring myself to ask. My heart was racing out of control. He led me as fast as he could to the car and helped me in. We were racing out of the garage before I could think straight. I knew something was really wrong, Alex never drives so fast. I realized we were heading for the warehouse. Panic washed all over me.
“Alex?” I sobbed.
“Yeah, Tali,” he choked.
“Not Victor, right?”
He didn’t answer me. I couldn’t see, hear, or think. I just had to know that he would be okay when I got to him. Victor promised he would take care of me and his babies. He was okay, he just needed me. I would get to him and he would be fine. He loved me he would stay safe for me.
We got a block away from the warehouse and I could see the Ranger Rover parked half on the curb. The doors were hanging wide open. I felt so sick.
Alex pulled over as soon as we got close and I jumped out as fast as I could. There were people standing around the other side of the truck. I ran around and I could see them standing over something.
I wiped my eyes as I moved closer. I saw Victor’s watch screaming at me from the ground. It was resting on his wrist that was covered in blood.
I pushed everyone out of my way and rushed to his side. I got down on my knees the best I could and pulled his head on my lap. There was blood everywhere. I was trying to find where it was coming from so I could stop it.
“Victor Baby… I’m here,” I sobbed. His eyes were moving weakly as he reached towards my voice. “Victor.”
“Tali,” he strained out while choking up blood.
“Victor, don’t leave me. You’re going to be okay,” I cried. “Why doesn’t someone call for help?” I was shrieking at the top of my lungs.
“They did,” someone answered.
“Tali, I’m sorry,” Victor said in almost a whisper as he winced. “I love you, Tali.”
“Victor, no, you’re going to be fine,” I sobbed uncontrollably. “Stay with me. I need you. I love you, Victor, you’re going to be fine.”
I couldn’t find where all the blood was coming from it was too much. As I scanned his body, I realized there wasn’t much I could do but hold his hand. I tried to rub his face, but I was just rubbing the blood back on him.
“Victor please, hold on, okay. You’re going to be fine.”
“Tali,” he gasped. It was plain that it was taking a lot out of him just to say one word. “You…made …my life… worth… living.” With those words his body went lifeless.
“No!” I shrilled. “No Victor, no, please, somebody help me, please.”
I was screaming at the top of my lungs staring at the blood on my hands. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I didn’t understand what was happening.
How was Victor laying lifeless on the ground? We were done with this in one week. He was all mine in one week. As I felt the babies move in my stomach the pain crashed down even harder.
“Victor, get up. You promised. Get up.”
“Tali, he’s gone,” Alex said in my ear as he sat on the ground holding me in his arms. “I’m sorry, Tali, I’m so sorry.”
“Why? Why? Alex he can’t go. Please help me.”
“He’s gone, Tali,” Alex sobbed. “I didn’t get him out. I’m sorry.”
As I laid in Alex’s arms shaking with grief, I looked up at the truck. In the seat, where I knew Victor had been, were now sitting two brown teddy bears with blue ribbons on their necks. My heart squeezed so tight. My little boys would never know their father, the man that wanted them so much.
Victor would never have his family. I would never marry him. I could never feel him hold me in his arms again. I would never hear him say my name or see him frown at me as he would tell me I don’t listen, again.
This time he didn’t listen. I wanted him to stay home. I told him not to go.
Now we would never be together again. I had just lost my first love. I would never love anyone the way I loved Victor.
Our love never made sense, we just did what we wanted, what Victor wanted, but it was ours. I couldn’t understand how he could leave us, the babies, Alex and me. We loved him so much. My heart ached with an excruciating wave of pain.
chapter seventeen
Grieving
I don’t remember much after that. I think we talked to the police officers. I think we went to the morgue to ID the body. I think I talked to a few people outside the hospital. I think I went with Alex to start funeral arrangements.
It’s been two days since, I think. I don’t really move too much. I would go to the bathroom and right back to bed. That’s where I can smell him.
Victor’s cologne is all over the sheets and his pillow. That is what I have left, that and my broken heart are all I have left of Victor. To think he was afraid of losing me. Did he ever think about how I would feel if I lost him?
I was so hurt, so angry, and so confused. What was I going to do with two babies on my own? I wanted to finish school and be a lawyer.
Now I had two babies on the way and their father was gone. I couldn’t get him back if I tried. What did this mean for me? Where was I going to go?
I had nothing. Victor paid for school, he was letting me live with him. My mother wouldn’t even speak to me. I didn’t know if Alex was going to leave for Miami sooner now that Victor was gone.
I wasn’t sure where Alex was. He would come listen to the door once and a while. I could see his shadow under the door. That would make me sob more because he never used to do that. He would call Victor and tell him
to call me and see if I was okay.
When I did go to get something to eat, I would wait until I thought Alex was sleeping or something. I didn’t want to talk. Nothing anyone could say would bring Victor back. I was so angry with myself because I made the choices that got me here, alone and hurting. I had so many thoughts running through my head.
Suddenly, I heard a tap at the door and something slipped underneath. I sat up to see an envelope on the floor. I slid off the bed and went to do my best to get it off the floor. I decided to just sit there and pick it up.
I noticed the handwriting on it was Victor’s. That made the tears start to stream down my face. I brushed my hand across the letters that spelled my name before turning it over to open it.
Dear Tali,
If you are reading this I didn’t make it out. I’m sorry. I wanted more than anything to be with you and our sons. You were the one woman in my life that stayed. I never told Alex what I’m about to tell you because I didn’t want him to hurt the way I did, but the woman who left me when I was little left him first. My Aunt Natasha treated Alex like her own and when mommy decided to leave me too, Aunt Natasha did the same with me. I guess taking care of all of us was too much for her. Or she died from a broken heart when they found my mother dead. Either way Auntie Natasha left me too. I took care of Alex because I had to. I love him and would do anything for him. I never meant to hurt him. My one mistake was falling in love with you. I wanted what Alex saw in you. Not because he wanted it, but because I saw it too. I saw love, trust and a way out of pain. I would love you all over again if I could. I probably would have just been a better man about it. Thank you for teaching me how to love and for loving me back. Thank you for letting me steal some joy for a little while. Please forgive me for getting you to love me then leaving you. Forgive me enough to do what I can no longer do. Take care of my little brother. Alex was the one you were meant for to begin with. Make my brother as happy as you made me and let him raise my sons to be just like him. Love you forever, Mommy.
Your Poppy,
Victor
I could do nothing, but close my eyes in pain. My Victor was full of so much hurt. He never saw himself truly getting to be happy. This letter alone showed me that.
He was always holding the pain for himself and for Alex, carrying too much for one person to hold alone, always expecting the other shoe to drop. I don’t apologize for loving Victor. Someone needed to love Victor. All my anger washed away, I would gladly make my mistakes all over again to see Victor smile.
I guess none of us knew how much Victor was really hurting. As I sat there, I thought about how long Victor and Alex have been together. They knew each other all their lives.
If I thought I was in pain, Alex must have been in way more. I was leaving him on his own when he needed me the most. He had just lost his best friend and whether he knew it or not, his brother.
I needed to pull it together for my friend. Alex loved Victor as much as I did, if not more. Victor would want me to be there for him, he has always been there for us.
I took a deep breath to collect myself. I would figure things out for my babies and me, but I needed to help my friend now. Alex needed me and I would be there for him.
I struggled to get up off the floor, pulling at the doorknob to help me up. I could hear anxious footsteps outside the door and the shadow that appears so often was there once again. I opened the door to see Alex standing there with worry on his face. I stumbled forward to hug him at once.
“Are you okay?” he asked in an extremely sad voice as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Not really, are you?”
“No. I keep thinking…I should’ve been there. I should’ve…done more.” He was crying and his voice was breaking.
“I know, but you were where he wanted you. Safe.” I finally understood why Victor kept Alex in the background. He was protecting his baby brother.
“I’m sorry, Tali, I tried to keep him safe for us.”
“It’s not your fault, Alex. Victor understood what could happen to him.”
“He was all I had. La Mafia was never my family like it was for him. They want me to take his place, but I don’t want that.”
“What?” I roared and pulled away from him. “You’re not going next to them. It’s over! Victor wanted you out.”
“Relax, Tali, the babies.”
“You promise me,” I yelled.
“I promise, Taliyah. I’m done. Don’t worry, I’m finished.”
I tried to calm down. Alex reached for my hand and led me to the couch. It felt good to be moving around some. Alex sat me down and pulled me in his arms and started to stroke my hair. I missed this, not just when he does it, but just having someone hold me in general.
“When are you leaving?” I asked in almost a whisper.
“What do you mean?”
“For Miami, when are you going?” I sniffled.
“When we planned, after the babies get here.” He spoke as if I should already know the answer.
“You’re gonna stay till they come?”
“Tali, where else would I be? I mean, unless you want me to leave.”
“I just thought you would go since Victor is gone,” I shrugged. “No one is forcing you to babysit me. I’ll figure something out. Maybe my mother will let me come home since I have nowhere else to go.”
“What are you talking about? This is your home. At least until we leave. That is if you still want to go to Miami. We can stay in New York if you want, so you don’t have to transfer schools.”
I sat up to look him in the face. I didn’t want Alex to think he needed to take care of me. He had his own life to live. He didn’t need to take me and my boys on. I didn’t want to trap him into thinking we were his responsibility.
“Alex, you don’t have to stay with me. This is my mess. I’ll be okay.”
“Taliyah, even if Victor never asked me to, I would take care of you, as long as you want me to. If you want to leave, I’ll give you what Victor left for you and you can go.” He was searching my face anxiously.
“What Victor left for me? Alex, did he ask you to take care of me?”
“Yes,” he said and dropped his head.
“He knew, didn’t he? He knew something was going to happen to him.”
“I think so. He left you that letter and bank accounts for you and the boys a month ago. All legit, you don’t have to worry. There’s a separate account for you to finish school.” He reached to wipe the tears away as I started to cry.
“Alex.”
“Yes.”
“I’m scared. I don’t want to do this by myself. This was what Victor wanted. I was always scared to get pregnant, but I don’t want you to feel…”
Before I could finish what I was saying, Alex was pressing his lips to mine. I let him kiss me at first. It felt really nice, but a part of me felt wrong. I pulled away shaking my head to clear it. Alex was looking at me with pain and regret in his eyes.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. Um, just know I’m not going anywhere. You and those babies are the only family I have left. I need to get ready for tomorrow. If you need anything, let me know,” he said quickly and stood to leave.
“Wait, what’s tomorrow?”
He turned to look at me with a puzzled expression on his face. “Tomorrow is the funeral,” he replied.
“Oh, I guess I lost track of time. Okay, I can make you something to eat if you want,” I offered.
“Take care of you guys. I’ll be okay.” He turned and went to his room.
That was the last I saw of him all night. I sat there thinking about everything for a while. I was really confused now.
Wasn’t being with Alex what Victor’s letter was telling me to do? Why did it feel so wrong? I don’t want Alex to think I want to be with him so he doesn’t put me out. Things were so messed up.
I curled into a ball on the couch. I had no idea what to do. I loved a man who I would never see again. I was hurting fo
r him and what he promised me. I hadn’t thought about the other possibilities around me. I hadn’t gotten there yet.
chapter Eighteen
I’m Not Ready
Burying the man I loved was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. There were so many people there. Most of which, I was sure were only there to be nosey.
They wanted to gawk at the pregnant girlfriend that was falling apart. I refused to fall apart for them. I was not going to make a scene. I kissed my Victor goodbye and walked away saving my pain and tears for when I was home alone in my bed.
They can call me heartless and careless if they wanted. Victor knew what he meant to me and the people that truly loved him knew the same. I ignored the well-wishing crowd that could care less about the man lying in the casket and his unborn sons.
La Mafia meant nothing to me. They came dressed to pay their respects, but where were they when Victor needed them. They were just a bunch of vultures to me looking to take Victor’s spot or find a way to live the life he was living.
Only other person in the room that I knew for sure loved Victor the way I did was Alex. I saw the way everyone watched him to see if he would step up to take the lead. It made me sick. I wanted to take Alex and my sons and run far away from there.
I was glad when it was all over. The man I loved was not in that empty shell laying in that box. I was carrying what was left of him, the best part I could ask for. My boys would always know Victor in their hearts and have him running in their veins. I would always have my memories that I could share with them.
I focused myself on school and waiting for my little boys to come. Alex was doing his best to get through school and focus as well. We spent a lot of time just studying. Things have been a little weird between us since the day he kissed me. I keep wanting to talk about it, but I don’t know what to say.
Juan doesn’t really come to the apartment as much as he used to. He helps Alex out with driving me around sometimes, but I think it’s hard for him. He was the one with Victor the day he was killed.
I think some part of him feels it was his fault. He can never really look at me. Not like it used to be when he wouldn’t look out of fear of Victor. Now it’s like looking at me and my growing belly causes him pain.
