by Blue Saffire
My mother called me a week after the funeral. She wanted to know if I was okay and if the babies were alright given the stress I was under. She sounded sincere when she said she was sorry for my loss.
She checks on me once a day now. I know Victor would be happy about that. He was never happy with the fact that he came between us.
I was happy she was calling. I was really getting nervous as time was drawing near for the babies to come. Alex and I decorated Juan’s old room as a nursery. We were holding off on Miami for at least a year.
We both decided to finish school in New York. He was able to hire managers for the hotel in Florida and has been toying with possibly selling it.
I told him to wait, he may decide that that was what he really wants to do. He keeps insisting he is staying with the babies and me. I haven’t told him about Victor’s letter because I think that will make him think he needs to stay even more. Despite the awkwardness, we are helping each other through this the best we can.
Alex even comes with me to my doctor’s appointments. He is still trying to find out what I am naming them. I want it to be a surprise so much more now. I know Victor would like their names. I just wish I had married Victor so they would have his last name.
It was a Saturday and Alex and I were sulking in front of the TV. I was really huge and I didn’t like going out if I didn’t have to. Alex never left me alone with me being due any day now.
He was even trying to cook more. He wasn’t half bad at it. I promised to teach him to cook if he taught me Spanish. He agreed, so now he doesn’t really talk to me in English. Only partially, so I pick up on what he is saying to me. I’m learning pretty fast though. He teased me a lot.
I was just being fussy today and wanted him to speak English. I had snapped at him a few times, then started to cry because I yelled at him. I know he must have thought I was losing my mind. He still let me put my feet on his lap so he could rub them, that only made me feel worse for yelling at him.
“Ugh, I’m so uncomfortable,” I complained.
“You want me to move?” Alex offered.
“No, keep rubbing my feet that feels nice.”
“Are you hungry again?”
“No, I have heartburn,” I whined as I rubbed my chest. “How do you put up with me? I’m a mess.” I was rubbing my stomach trying to get the babies to move a little to give me some relief.
“You put up with me,” he said with a smile. That wasn’t the same for me. When he would come to cry on my shoulder, I felt like it was the least I could do, to be there for him.
“Alex, will you promise me something?”
“Depends?” he replied raising his eyebrow at me.
“When the babies come, will you at least try to do things without me?”
“I thought you were going to say something like that. Nope, no deal,” he laughed.
“Why not?” I murmured.
“Because you are my family and I don’t leave my family.”
“I didn’t say you had to leave, I just want to see you happy. Always taking care of me can’t make you happy?”
“Why not?” He answered staring at me with this intense look on his face.
I know Alex has feelings for me. I just don’t know how I feel. I mean I love Alex, but I am not sure if it’s in that way. I’m so confused because if Victor were here, I would be with him. I don’t really think about before when Alex was what I wanted. I pushed that aside when I started to plan my life with Victor.
“Aw,” I whined as I doubled over in pain.
“You okay?” Alex asked anxiously. His eyes got wide and he jumped up off the couch. I could see the side of his pants were wet. “Tali, your water broke.”
“Help me get up,” I panted.
He rushed to my side and helped me off the couch. We made our way to get my shoes and my hospital bag. I was freaking out.
I wasn’t ready. I was really scared. I started to cry because Victor would have made me feel better. I would have been sure things were going to be okay because he would protect me.
“Tali, everything is going to be okay,” Alex demanded as if he could read my mind.
“Okay,” I whimpered. “Call my doctor and my mom, please.”
“I got it, Mama,” he said already dialing.
We got down to the car and I had to stop for a minute. I was in too much pain to get in the car. I needed it to pass some. Alex was being great. He was rubbing my back coaching me through the pain.
“Breathe, Tali. You can do this, Mama,” he said in my ear.
“I’m scared, Alex.”
“I know, Tali. I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you. We’re gonna be fine.”
I was able to pull it together and climb into the car. Once I was inside, Alex jumped in and took off for the hospital. I was sure I wasn’t going to make it.
I could feel so much pressure. Alex reached over to hold my hand as I cried in pain. I really started to panic. I didn’t want to push these babies out on my own.
They were coming fast, I could tell, I didn’t think my mother would get there before I pushed them out. I knew if I did make it to the hospital they were coming out right away. The pain was just getting worse and happening faster.
“Alex, I don’t know if we’re going to make it,” I panted.
“We’re almost there, Tali,” he said as he gave the car a little more gas.
“I don’t want to do this alone,” I sobbed and shook my head. “Why is this happening to me?”
“Mama, you’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere. We gonna do this together, okay,” he said and squeezed my hand.
“Okay,” I sniffled. “You won’t leave? You’re gonna hold my hand, right?”
“Yes, Taliyah. I can’t leave.”
I braced myself against the dashboard. Alex squeezed my hand he was holding and I squeezed back as hard as I could. I was giving up.
I didn’t want to push him away anymore. I needed him and he wanted to be there. This is what Victor wanted, Alex to take care of me and me to take care of Alex.
I suddenly started to think about how much I did love Alex. He was my best friend, the only one I could count on since Victor died. If I had never slept with Victor that night, I would probably be having Alex’s babies.
We were really close before all this. We spent all our time together and now we had a bond that was stronger than anything I ever knew. I had just been ignoring that because of Victor.
Alex finally got us to the hospital and helped me out of the car. Juan was already there, he jumped inside the car we were in to park it, while Alex stayed with me. Alex had his arm around me, guiding me into the hospital, telling me it would be okay.
They rushed me to the delivery room and Alex stayed by my side the whole time. Brushing my hair out of my face and coaching me along. I felt so much better with him there. It was all happening so fast. I was right, we just made it. My first son was pushing his way out with or without me.
“You’re doing great, Mama,” Alex coached. “That’s one… you half way there.”
He bent to kiss my forehead as he held my hand. I closed my eyes to focus on the doctor’s instructions. It was so weird, but it felt like Victor was standing in the room watching us the way he used to. It made me sad and happy at the same time. Sad that he wasn’t really there, but happy that maybe, just maybe, he was there somehow to see his sons being born.
I pushed one good time and my second son was out. At the very same time, I felt a release. The feeling of Victor being there was gone with a sudden gust of wind that seemed to come from nowhere.
It felt like the wind kissed my face and then it was gone. My heart felt lighter, like I would really be okay. As much as I loved and missed Victor, I felt like he was letting me go, telling me to move on in that moment. A tear fell from my eye for the love I lost and with a deep breath, my heart was restored with a feeling of a new beginning.
Just then the nurse came over with my first
son and the other nurse was on her way with the other. They were both making little cries that made me eager to hold them.
When I held the first baby in my arms, my heart filled with so much joy. He looked just like Victor. He even had a head full of curly hair. He stopped crying the minute I held him. The nurse brought the second baby over and helped me to get him in my arms too.
He was just as beautiful. The tears started rushing as I looked at him. I was in shock, it was insane, but he looked just like Alex. At that moment, there was no doubt in my mind that Alex and Victor were brothers. My two sons were proving it. I looked up at Alex, who was smiling out of control. You would have thought they were his sons.
“So, can I know their names now?” Alex laughed anxiously.
“Yup, this one is Victor,” I said as I rubbed my nose against my first son’s cheek, “and this one is Alex.” I placed my nose to my second son’s little nose and he got nice and quiet.
I named them after the two men that tore me in two. The two men I loved the most. I knew instantly I had named them the right names. I looked up at Alex and he looked like he might start to cry.
“Can I hold them?” he asked softly.
“Sure,” I answered holding out Alex. He took him in his arms and started to sing to him in Spanish.
My little Victor was fast asleep. I held him against my chest to hug him tight. This Victor would never know the pain my other Victor did. Neither of my sons would. I was so happy in that moment.
“Tali,” Alex called.
“Hum,” I answered as I kissed my baby.
“Did I really get on your nerves?” he laughed lightly.
“What do you mean?” I was curious as to what he was talking about. Despite my grumpy moods, he never got on my nerves.
“They say that when someone gets on your nerves while you’re pregnant your baby comes out looking like them,” he laughed. “This baby looks like he’s mine.”
“Oh,” I laughed. “Alex, I think there’s something you should know. In my bag, in the front pocket, you’ll find the letter Victor left me. Maybe you should read it. I’ll be fine. I think you may want to go for a walk.”
His face twisted in curiosity. He was a little hesitant to move at first, but as the nurse came to get the baby from him, he leaned to kiss me on the forehead and turned to leave. I wasn’t sure if he would come back after reading that letter.
I know the truth would hurt him deeply. Knowing he lost a real brother and not just a friend was going to be very hard. I just thought he should know. These were not just his friend’s children, they were his nephews for real.
I had worn that letter out. I read it several times a day and I have been debating on telling Alex the truth. Seeing my little Alex made the decision for me. I would help my friend through his pain if he would let me. He had just helped me through so much and I owed him for that.
chapter Nineteen
Truth is
I fell asleep before they got me to my room. Alex hadn’t reappeared before I did. I woke up to the nurse and my little ones cries.
They were hungry. I snapped into mommy mode and went to pull my gown down to feed them. I had not noticed Alex sitting in the chair with his head in his hands. I had both boys feeding before I did notice him in the room. I caught myself before I jumped and startled the babies.
“Alex, I didn’t notice you there,” I whispered.
“I didn’t want to wake you,” he said with a hurt voice.
“Are you okay?” I could tell he read the letter. His eyes were bloodshot red when he looked up at me.
“He was my brother, Tali, those are my nephews,” he answered.
“I know. I’m sorry about all of it.” I wanted to go to him and comfort him. “Will you come sit with me?”
He got up and came across the room to sit on the edge of my bed. He looked so broken, I wanted badly to fix it. Before I could say anything else he laid down on my legs, grabbing a tight hold of my thighs.
I could feel him shaking with tears. He laid there while I nursed the twins. The nurse helped me to place them back in the bassinets when I was done and I started to rub Alex’s hair.
“You know what hurts the most?” Alex said in a whisper. “I think I always knew. I mean I use to wish we were real brothers when I was younger, so I didn’t feel so alone.”
“He really loved you Alex, he did what he thought would protect you.”
“I know. I just wish I knew the truth. I think I would have gotten us out sooner if I did.”
“He wouldn’t have left any sooner, Alex. You can’t beat yourself up like this. What happened is not your fault.” He sat up to look at me. I reached to stroke his face.
“It feels like it, like I failed. And the worst part is that I get to be here with you,” Alex murmured. “I try… I try so hard not to be in love with you. I know you don’t want me, but I can’t stop loving you. I wonder if some part of me failed so I could have you.”
“Alex, you didn’t place Victor in that car,” I demanded as I grabbed his face in between my hands. “And you are very wrong. I love you too.”
“Not the way I love you.” His face looked so sad. I made my decision right there.
I did love Alex. It wasn’t the crazy love that I had for Victor. That could only make sense in the Victor and Tali’s world. I loved Alex from somewhere else. Alex and I made sense.
“What makes you think that?”
“I’ve always loved you,” he explained. “I would stay at school late to make sure I would see you on the train. I would always try to find something to say to you, but you would say hi and I would forget what I wanted to say. You have always been the girl I’ve wanted.”
“I think you are forgetting how this all started. I came looking for you. I only hooked up with Victor because of a lie that made me think I couldn’t have you. I do love you.”
He leaned forward slowly searching my face for my approval. I leaned toward him and brushed my lips against his gently and it was like sparks flew between us. He placed his hand on my face gently and kissed me.
It was a gentle, sweet, and loving kiss. I was waiting for it to feel wrong like I was betraying Victor, but it didn’t. I didn’t want him to stop kissing me.
We only pulled away from each other because someone entered the room and cleared their throat. I looked at the door to see my mom holding balloons and flowers. I waved her over excitedly.
It had been so long since I had seen her. She came over and hugged me before peeking over at the babies that were fast asleep in the little bassinets. I beamed at the smile that covered her face.
“Oh Liyah, they are beautiful,” she sobbed. “What did you name them?”
“This one here is Victor and this one is Alex,” I told her as I pointed to them. “I named them after their father and uncle.”
“Wow, I’m a Grandma. I have missed you so much honey.”
“I missed you too, Mommy.”
“Maybe I should go,” Alex said as he stood.
“No, I want you to stay please.” I reached for his hand to pull him back to sit. He gave me a weak smile and sat back down.
I was so happy I had my family with me. My mother stayed until they put her out. The nurses let Alex stay because they thought he was the father.
He was so good with the twins. The nurse showed him how to change their diapers and he was all over it. If I tried to move to do anything other than go to the bathroom, he was right there to do it for me. I had fallen asleep again, so we never really got to talk about the kiss. I was just happy things didn’t feel like they were falling apart anymore.
chapter twenty
Moving Forward
Alex brought us home from the hospital as soon as they said we could go home. Juan had come to see us while we were in the hospital. He was the one that told me that La Mafia had the hospital in an uproar when the babies were first born. They had all come to see the twins, lining up to peek at them in the nursery.
&
nbsp; I could care less, but I know that would have meant a lot to Victor. I didn’t want to hurt Juan’s feelings, so I pretended to be excited about it. He didn’t stay long.
Each time he looked at the boys it looked like he was going to cry or something. I know Juan was the closest to Victor after Alex. This was all really hard for him too.
I wasn’t expecting him to come to the apartment anytime soon. Alex told my mom he would pick her up to come see the babies anytime she wanted. However, I was really surprised to see her in the apartment when we got home.
She wanted to come to help with the babies and Alex wanted to surprise me. My mom took a leave from her job to be with me. I was so happy and relieved. Alex had told her she could have his room and stay with us for a while. He was going to sleep on the couch.
I was so happy that she wanted to come stay with me. I did need the help. I was doing the best I knew how to care for my little babies. I was tired from nursing all night.
My boys can really be a handful. My mom was spoiling them already. Today, I went straight for a nap once she had everything under control and Alex was cooking. He wanted to show off what I taught him to my mom.
Alex and I still hadn’t talked about the kiss in the hospital yet. We hadn’t kissed since either. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling.
I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to kiss him again. We just hadn’t gotten around to the subject. The twins had all our attention for the last two weeks.
I woke up to the babies crying in the living room. I knew I needed to feed them so I got out of bed quickly. I had plans to start pumping, so I wouldn’t go insane trying to feed them every four hours, someone else would be able to help me. When I got out to the living room to get them, Alex got up to leave so I could feed them in private.
“You know you don’t have to keep doing that,” I called as he walked away.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he replied.
“You’re not.”
I was already feeding the boys and my mom was giving me a curious look. I knew she had questions about Alex and me. She just hasn’t gotten the chance to ask them.
