Sentinel
Page 20
“I took what I wanted and I told myself it was my right. Among my brothers, I alone at that time never believed that my soul had been lost. To my shame, I believed that everything I was given was a gift from Heaven. I believed I deserved it.”
His eyes were closed now against the recollection.
“I did good deeds. I often passed small judgments or saved people who needed my help, so I told myself that I was everything I should be. That I was a force for good. In reality, I was self-absorbed. My good deeds were just enough to make me feel that I deserved my wealth. All that changed when I met Catherine.”
His voice trembled now. Shinigami felt the useless urge to comfort him but she did not know how to fix Barnabas’ pain. What had happened was in the past. She could not change it.
“I saved her from two men who were trying to rape her,” Barnabas told her. “It was one of the first acts I had done in decades that was…for more than me. When I first saw her, when she ran past me with them pursuing her, she was like…the dawn, Shinigami. She was pure light and promise. I wanted her to be safe. I killed the men and I spoke into the darkness to tell her I would leave. I was ashamed to be near her. I was death personified, and she was life. For the first time, I saw myself as a human would see me—not simply as a predator, but as a monster.
“But she didn’t see me that way. She saw the world so differently from everyone else. She had no particular talent for intellectual pursuits. Now, one might say she was not all there. That was part of why I took refuge in my intellect after…everything. I could not bear to be reminded of her.”
Shinigami waited, her sense of dread growing.
“She kissed me,” Barnabas recalled. There was grief in his eyes, but he was smiling as he stared into space. “I was covered in blood and she came up and kissed me. She loved completely, and she loved without reserve. She taught me a way of being that few humans could ever grasp. For many years we were happy together. I told her what I was and she accepted it without question. It did not matter to her.
“And then she got sick. You understand that back in those days, there was none of the medicine there is now, and all my Nacht powers could not save her—except one. She asked me to turn her.”
Shinigami’s cameras traveled over him, noting the minutiae of his expression; the faint press of his lips, the lines at the corner of his eyes.
“I don’t know what else I could have done but try,” Barnabas told her softly. “Being turned the way I was, the way Michael was—it was a trial that could break the strongest mind. Nosferatu, the fallen ones, they were the ones who took the respite from the pain and allowed themselves to be tempted. I was afraid Catherine would fail. So many had failed. She just smiled at me and said, ‘You will take care of it.’ She knew what I would have to do, but she was not afraid. I knew that if I did not try she was going to die. If I did try, she might survive.”
Shinigami’s avatar nodded.
Barnabas looked down, lost in the memory. “She didn’t become Nosferatu, but she wasn’t herself anymore either. In some ways, yes. She still took delight in the world, and she still loved me. But she was like a child. She was too trusting, so she had to be watched all the time. One day when I thought she was safe the wrong people found her and—” He broke off. “She died in my arms,” he finished finally.
The grief Shinigami saw in Barnabas was overwhelming. Childishly, she did not want to hear what had happened. She did not want to see him in so much pain, but he needed to tell this story.
“I lost my mind with grief.” Barnabas looked down at his hands. “I killed anyone I could find. I wanted to kill them all; that much I remember. I would hunt down whole families and murder them. I was everything I had thought of myself on the night I met Catherine: a monster, death incarnate.
“The only reason that I snapped out of it was that I slipped. I must have; I fell into a river and a branch pinned me. I woke up as the sun was rising and I needed to be more than an animal to find my way out of the trap and survive. So, you see, it was only to save my own life that I came back. Not for anything greater.
“I spent years after that trying to atone, trying to keep it from happening again. I became a monk. I did not believe everything the monks believed, but enough of it was correct. I found some small measure of absolution in hard work and contemplation and serving something larger than myself, but if not for Bethany Anne I would still be hiding from myself.”
There was a long silence.
“You said I needed people,” Barnabas concluded, “or I would forget why I was doing this. Shinigami, I want to do what’s right. I don’t want injustice and evil to triumph. But to care deeply for those I save, for friends, for…a lover… I am terrified to walk that path again. I took over three thousand souls when I went mad. I cannot do that again.”
Shinigami made the avatar sit next to him. She saw his fear and was touched that he had told her this.
“You won’t do it again,” she told him. “I believe that.”
Barnabas looked down at his hands with a rueful smile.
“I’m serious.” Shinigami made the avatar frown. “I really believe it. It’s been centuries. You’re not the same person you were then.” She paused. “We won’t let you do that again, you know. I believe you wouldn’t, but even if you started to go that way, you know we wouldn’t let you.”
Barnabas nodded.
Shinigami made the avatar stand. Rather than simply flickering out of existence, she made it walk away so he could have the sense of being alone with his thoughts. He was still sad, but she understood that the weight of it wasn’t so crushing anymore.
“And don’t spend too long wallowing,” Shinigami added. She paused at the curve of the corridor and looked back, grinning. “We’ve got some mercenaries to smash.”
Barnabas laughed. “No wallowing, I promise. I’ll be there soon.”
FINIS
Author Notes - Natalie Grey
Written June 12, 2018
Thank you all for reading Sentinel! I am so grateful for the chance to dive back into the Kurtherian universe with Barnabas and Shinigami. Monks in space and a bloodthirsty AI, how can you ask for more?
As always, a thank you to the whole team: Lynne, Steve, the JIT readers, the beta team (Sam, Kim, Jim, James, and Sandy), Jeff, and Eric! You make these books truly shine.
Thank you, of course, to Michael for creating the universe and encouraging so many people to be a part of it, myself included.
Thank you to B, who puts up with all the weirdness of living with an author, and L, who is teaching me so much about the world as he grows up. Even at your teething-est moments, L, you’re a wonder!
There’s so much coming up this year and next, so I hope you’ll take a moment to sign up for the mailing list here to be told about new books and see sneak peeks like excerpts and cover reveals: https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing/w0k9j4
Head back to the “books by” to check out my other books, including Bellatrix and Risk be Damned set in the KGU, and the Dragon Corps, a whole new universe with stories coming out now!
Happy reading!
-Nat
Author Notes - Michael Anderle
June 11, 2018
First, THANK YOU for not only reading our second Barnabas and Shinigami story but through to these Author Notes as well!
The Kurtherian Gambit grew, and grew, and grew MUCH larger than I had ever suspected it might. Further, I recognized fairly early on that fans enjoyed new characters, so I would often add some to give them a little mental candy in each book.
Like Barnabas.
Unfortunately, the list of fan-favorite characters continued to grow as well. But, I couldn’t do a ‘Red Wedding’ (something George R. R. Martin did, killing off a huge number of the characters) or I’d be eviscerated on the fan pages.
Not something I was willing to risk, and frankly not willing to do.
The Kurtherian Gambit isn’t about which character dies (like Walk
ing Dead) but rather how do they get through the next challenge together, hopefully without a huge battle killing off a few of them?
If you have read the first series, The Kurtherian Gambit, you know that there were times that someone died. Part of it was so that I didn’t create another (early) ‘A’ team where five hundred rounds of bullets were used in a firefight, but no one got hurt. I did it to keep readers on their toes. It COULD happen!
Now we have other series and new characters. Some of those characters are now fan favorites and I scratch my head wondering, “When will all of this end?”
Obviously, not today or tomorrow or this year… Or next year either, I don’t think. The Kurtherian Gambit is responsible for already creating about fifteen new authors with just the Fans Write project(s), and it looks like the train has left the station without the conductor.
Me.
Speaking of fans, if you are in or around Vegas November 8th, 2018 I’d like to invite you to a huge Author signing event we are having at Sam’s town. It’s free to get in, just show up – we are going to party like it’s 1999.
Check out the website 20booksVegas.com for more info. If we can get at least two hundred to show up this year, the plan is for LMBPN Publishing to throw a WICKED party in 2019.
Because, we are Indie Outlaws, and frankly it’s time we party with our friends…All few thousands of them!
Ad Aeternitatem,
Michael Anderle
Books by Natalie Grey
Shadows of Magic
Bound Sorcery
Blood Sorcery
Bright Sorcery
Set in the Kurtherian Gambit Universe
Bellatrix
Challenges
Risk Be Damned
Damned to Hell
Vigilante One
Vigilante Two
Writing as Moira Katson
Shadowborn
Shadowforged
Shadow’s End
Daughter of Ashes
Mahalia
Books by Michael Anderle
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