Jimmy's Game (Ruthless)

by Karen Clow

  When the last mourner finally left, it was almost eleven o’clock. Samuels had left around ten, although he left two officers watching the restaurant. There had been no sign of any Jamaicans. Mickey had called the clubs throughout the evening and everything was fine. The time was around half eleven when Jimmy said, “Unless you need me for anything else Mick, I’m going to collect Maria from Gladys’s then call it a night.” “No problem Jim, it’s been a long day; the chat you had with Tina being of the greatest value. First thing tomorrow morning I’ll have a bouquet sent to her.” “That’s a nice idea, she’ll appreciate that. So shall I call us a cab, we can pick the car up from the funeral parlour in the morning?” “Good idea, we’re both well over the legal limit and those two coppers have seen us drinking.”

  They gave the cab driver Mickey’s address and dropped him off first. Then Jimmy gave Gladys’s address and picked Maria up. Sitting with her in the back of the cab he noticed that she seemed a bit quiet. Putting his arm around her, he said, “You ok babe?” Nodding her head she replied, “Yes I’m just tired.” Ten minutes later as they entered the apartment she said, “I’m going straight to bed.” Jimmy was surprised that she didn’t ask how the funeral had gone, and for the first time in two years, she didn’t kiss him goodnight. “Don’t I get a kiss then,” said Jimmy. Without replying she walked over and kissed him on the cheek, it was as she walked away she said, “Goodnight.” Sensing that something was very wrong; he pulled her to him and said, “What’s going on babe?” “Nothing, I’m just tired, we’ll talk about it in the morning.” “I can tell something’s up, so we’ll talk now.” Then he took a firmer grip of her arm, to prevent her from going. “Let go of me Jimmy you’re hurting me!” In a raised voice he said, “Don’t do this Maria, fucking tell me what’s going on!” Pulling her arm away she began to walk towards the bedroom, but he grabbed hold of her again and shouted, “Tell me what the fuck’s wrong?” “I’m not discussing it tonight, because you’ve been drinking; now please let me go I’m tired.” Angrily he snapped at her and said, “Discuss what? Whatever it is you can fucking discuss it with me now!” Then totally out of the blue she dropped a bomb shell and said, “I want to postpone the wedding.” Not believing what he was hearing; he grabbed her other arm and pulled her round to face him, as he said angrily, “You had better fucking explain to me what the fuck you’re talking about?” “Please Jimmy let’s leave it till the morning.” “I’m not leaving anything, so fucking tell me!” Desperately she tried to reason with him as she said, “It’s because of your life in crime.” “What the fuck do you mean?” “I mean Jimmy, I will always live in fear that our children will be at risk.” With a menacing look on his face he replied, “That’s a load of bollocks! You know I would never let anyone hurt you, or our children!” Still trying to reason with him she started crying. He was shouting at her as she tried over and over to explain how she felt, but he just wouldn’t listen to her and she was aware that he was becoming more and more aggressive. No matter what she said he was adamant that the wedding was going ahead. Pleading with him to listen to her; she said, “Apart from the threat to our children, I don’t want to be a young widow!” Completely stunned by what she’d said he replied, “That’s just a fucking excuse!” “No its not, I’ve been talking to Gladys she told me how many times you’ve been injured over the years!” What she said enraged him, instantly he shouted, “Gladys is nothing but a fucking interfering old bag!”

  Maria had never seen him in such a bad temper with her, but she knew he was just being nasty about Gladys, in an effort to defend the elderly lady she said, “Gladys loves you, that’s why she mentioned it to me. Over the years she’s been concerned about you.” Now sobbing she added, “I’m going to bed, if you prefer I can sleep in the guest room.” Full of anger he shouted, “You’re not sleeping in the fucking guest room! I want you in our bed! As for Gladys, you can just fucking forget about what she said, the wedding is going ahead as planned!” Wishing at that point she hadn’t mentioned it, she just wanted to go to bed, her thoughts being hopefully they could discuss it in the morning when he was sober. She had only been in bed about ten minutes, when he came in. She pretended to be asleep when he got into bed, because she didn’t want to continue the conversation with him, especially as he’d reacted so badly and losing his temper quickly because he’d been drinking. Although he wasn’t really drunk she knew he wouldn’t listen to reason. When he kissed the back of her neck, she didn’t respond. Hoping that he would fall asleep, she just laid there silently. Then he began to run his hands up and down her body. Well aware he wasn’t going to give up, she said, “Leave me alone Jimmy, I’m too tired.” For the first time since she had been with him; she didn’t want sex.

  Not being the type to give up, he removed the duvet from her and started kissing her body. Tearfully she said again, “Please Jimmy can we leave it until the morning?” Simply ignoring her he continued to kiss her, moving further down her body, pushing her legs apart he began kissing her intimately. Although she’d asked him not to, her body was responding to him, at that moment she hated herself for wanting him, but despite how she felt about marrying him, truth was she loved and desired him the same as she always did. It wasn’t long before they were making love, but she noticed that he seemed more dominant than usual, fortunately drink had never affected his performance. When he had finished he just collapsed onto her, he was almost asleep as she rolled him over. Maria did not sleep as soundly as him, most of the night she laid awake thinking how much she loved him. However, loving him was not enough for her to live in fear with their future children. Truth was the more she thought about it, the more she thought how difficult it would be to live without him, without question she loved him with all her heart and soul, but was it enough? Lying there in the darkness; she remembered how she had lived in fear of Nick every day when she’d lived with him. Many times she had wondered if that day would be the day he would kill her. She also knew, men as ruthless as Nick would have no problems hurting a child, especially if he wanted something badly enough and men like Nick were the sort of men Jimmy did business with.

  Maria was up long before him the following morning. When he emerged from the bedroom and walked into the kitchen she said, “I’ve just made a fresh pot of tea.” He didn’t reply. Waiting until he sat down she said, “What do you want for breakfast?” Without answering her he just shook his head. Pouring him some tea she sat at the table with him; the atmosphere between them was heavy. Breaking the silence he said, “How long do you intend postponing the wedding, or do you want to call it off indefinitely?” Looking at him she could see that he was absolutely shattered; she had never intended to hurt him. Close to tears she tried to discuss it with him, but arrogantly he said, “I told you last night I don’t want to discuss it, I just want to know where I stand.” Unable to hold back her tears she started crying, this was not the reaction she had anticipated from him. Again she tried to talk to him, but he stood up abruptly and with tears in his eyes said, “Just tell me the fucking truth Maria, is it over?” Before she could answer, he added, “I’m the man I am and there’s nothing I can do to change that, it’s all I’ve ever known, but I can understand if you can’t hack it. I told you when you first arrived here I didn’t own you, it’s the same now. Although under the circumstances, I feel it’ll be easier if I left, because I wouldn’t want to live here without you anyway. So you can stay until you sort yourself out. I’ll leave you to cancel everything; as I haven’t got a clue what you’ve ordered.”

  Feeling terrible along with shocked by his coldness, she looked at him and said, “Jimmy please don’t do this.” “Do what Maria? That’s my point; I haven’t done anything except love you! I feel as though my fucking heart has been ripped out!” Tears were streaming down his face as he added; “I wish I could change the way you feel, but I can’t, I’m sorry babe but with me what you see is what you get, but for the record I couldn’t have loved you anymore, but I’m not about to beg so t
he way I see it, there is no compromise. I can’t give you what you want, so you see babe, I don’t have a choice, you know I would never let anyone hurt you or any children we may have had, but it’s not enough is it, so I’ll be a man about it and walk away. Just one last thing, don’t ever come into any of the clubs with another bloke, I couldn’t handle that. Now if it’s alright with you I’d like to be left alone.”

  Turning away he walked towards the bedroom. Feeling desperate she called after him. Coldly he glanced over his shoulder to briefly look at her before continuing towards the room. Feeling helpless she was sobbing as she said, “Jimmy please don’t do this, please forgive me.” Stopping again he just stood there staring at her as she tried to tell him how sorry she was, finally he said, “Me too babe,” then he went into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. This was the side to him she knew she would never understand. Last night he had refused to even talk about her reasons for wanting to postpone the wedding, now he was telling her it was over. Her logic was telling her he must have thought about it after she got up. In her heart she knew he couldn’t change his life and more to the point, he didn’t want to, which had left him with no choice but to end it. She knew he loved her, but his pride would not allow him to try and find a compromise, a compromise which they both knew didn’t exist.

  Standing in the lounge her stomach was churning, she had never intended for it to be this way, she had never doubted his love for her, or hers for him. At that moment, she realised she would be making the biggest mistake of her life if she simply let him walk away. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her, he couldn’t change and she knew that, but the way he had handled the situation had left her feeling so terrible.

  In those moments since he had gone into the bedroom, she knew that she would rather be dead than without him. Hoping it wasn’t too late and believing in her heart that their love was strong enough to survive, she knocked on the bedroom door. Several seconds passed; before he called out, “Yeah.” Nervously she entered, her stomach was churning and she could feel herself trembling. Not really knowing what to expect, she was surprised to see him sitting on the edge of the bed; wearing just his boxer shorts. His eyes were red and swollen; from where he’d been crying. Sitting down on the bed next to him she reached out to hold his hand, but he did not reciprocate. Coldly he just looked at her and said, “What do you want?” “I want you Jimmy.” Looking at her he sighed and said, “Why are you doing this Maria? I can’t give you what you want, or what you deserve, so please don’t make it any harder for me than it already is.” Through her tears she replied, “I’m begging you, please forgive me, I would rather be dead than without you. Please believe me Jimmy; I want to marry you more than anything in the world.” “What the fuck are you playing at Maria, are you aware of what you’ve done, I was ready to walk away. Nothing’s changed; I’m still in organised crime.” “Please listen to me Jimmy, I never meant to hurt you, but when Gladys told me how many times you’d been hurt, it scared me. I remember how you were when Nick threatened Charlie, and because I knew the Jamaicans may have hurt you at the wake I just couldn’t stand it. I worry about you all the time and if we had any children I would be afraid for their safety every day, but please believe me when I say; nothing could ever feel as bad as you walking away from me like you did a minute ago. Without you I have nothing precious in my life, I tried to imagine my life without you in it, knowing you would never hold me, kiss me, or make love to me again made me feel empty, so please Jimmy, can you just forget what I said last night?” Reaching over and touching her hand he said, “You need to be sure of what you’re saying Maria, because we will never have this conversation again. I felt as though my whole fucking world had crashed, I can’t change my way of life. Since I met you, I’ve felt like my life was on a roller coaster, never before have I loved anyone or anything as much. I wanted so much to marry you and have kids, but this is the only life I can offer you. I understand how you feel, but I can’t change that. I would give my life to protect you and our children, but this is a one off offer, once we’re married that’s it. I will never discuss it again. Just one more thing, if you think for one minute I would ever let you leave me once we’re married, you’re wrong, so you need to be certain that you can live the only life I can offer you, for the rest of your life. Marrying me is a one way ticket, do you understand that?”

  Despite her concern over what he’d just said and the conviction with which he’d said it, she snuggled her head into his chest and said, “I love you Jimmy.” Lifting her head with his hand he kissed her and said, “I need an answer.” “I can’t live without you; you’re the most important thing in my life. I never intended to hurt you; I just felt worried about our future. I know you will always protect me, but there are bad people like Nick in the world and it scares me.” Calmer he replied, “I can understand that, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore, as long as you’re sure about staying and the wedding’s still on, we’ll forget this conversation ever happened.”

  Sitting there next to him, she felt as though everything had been her fault. In the hope of proving to him how much she loved him she said, “I can’t wait to marry you, I’m so sorry Jimmy.” When he just stared at her without replying, she found the stony silence very intimidating. With her still sitting on the bed he leaned over and opened the bed side cabinet, she watched silently as he took out a pair of stockings. Holding them in his hand he looked at her and said, “Strip off,” it was more of a command than a request. This was unusual for him, as he would normally undress her. When she was naked, he pushed her back onto the bed; then taking her arms he tied her wrists to the head board with the stockings. She had always hated this type of sexual role play with Nick, yet over time with Jimmy she had found it very erotic, possibly because she knew he would never hurt her; or do anything she didn’t want him too. This morning was different; they had only used the stockings as a fun thing before, never doing them tight, only using them as a visual stimulant, purely to give the dominant one the feeling of power. There was the added concern that he hadn’t spoken to her once whilst tying her up, normally he would kiss her and joke about all the things he was going to do to her. She felt a little uncomfortable as he pulled the stockings tight around her wrists.

  Whenever he had tied her up before he would fondle her; and he would always practise oral sex on her, but that morning was different, there was no passion or tenderness; he just took her without any fore play. Maria groaned as he entered her, but he paid no attention to it. Realising he was oblivious to her feelings she said tearfully, “Please don’t be so rough Jimmy, you’re hurting me.” But instead of showing her love and affection he grabbed her head and kissed her hard on the lips whilst thrusting into her. Beginning to feel scared and totally helpless, frantically she tried to pull her hands free, but he had tied them so tight, her effort was futile. Repeatedly she cried out, “Please Jimmy stop you’re hurting me!” He ignored her, even when she pulled her legs up in an effort to lessen his thrust, he wouldn’t stop. Despite her repeatedly begging him to stop, he wouldn’t. In her heart she believed he wouldn’t really harm her, it was as though he was trying to regain his control over her, having felt powerless just an hour earlier. Sucking her breast and biting her nipple so hard she winced. Thrusting himself harder into her, he groaned as he came, biting her neck at the moment of orgasm. When he finished she was lying there with tears streaming down her face. Without saying a word he coldly got off of her. Sitting on the bed with his back to her, he lit a cigarette which was unusual as he rarely smoked in the apartment and never in the bedroom; he was a social smoker at poker games and such like. Watching him as he drew hard on the butt, she could sense the tension coming from him. Lying there silently she waited for him to finish his cigarette, when he finally stubbed it out she said tearfully, “Please untie me Jimmy.” Turning his head he looked at her, hating himself for the way he had just behaved, she looked so helpless, so fragile.

  Gently he u
ndid the ties and scoped her into his arms as he said, “I’m sorry baby please forgive me.” They held each other tightly as they lay back down together. With her head on his chest he said, “I sorry, but you made me feel so angry, I wanted to punish you for how you made me feel. For the first time I actually wanted to hurt you for rejecting me.” Still crying she kissed his chest and replied, “I know it was my fault, I really am sorry.” Rolling onto his side to face her, he said, “It wasn’t your fault babe; I’m the one who should be ashamed for the way I acted.” “You scared me Jimmy.” “I know and I’m sorry, but when I thought you were going to leave me I wanted to kill you. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being with another man, and knowing my way of life isn’t something I can change, I felt gutted.” Loathing himself for what he’d thought, and for what he had just done to her, the anger and fear that he had experienced had left him with no control over the situation and he hated it. “I love you Jimmy, the reality of losing you terrified me.” Snuggling closer to him she added, “Perhaps it would be a good idea if we just forget about the whole incident and pretend it never happened.” Nodding his head; he replied, “Let’s do that, because it’ll never happen again.” Then he jokingly added, “If you ever mentioned anything about leaving me again, I’ll just shoot you, because I’m never going through this again.” Although she laughed with him, she felt that somewhere under his humour, he’d meant what he said. They snuggled down together in the bed and fell asleep.