by Karen Clow
Unable to accept what she’d said he squeezed her hand and replied, “Please babe, I’m begging you, please come home, don’t end what we have, surely its worth fighting for?” No longer able to hold back her own tears she began to cry as she replied, “I think you should leave now, go back to London, please Jimmy, just leave me alone.” “I’ll never leave you; I’ll die if that’s what it takes for you to believe how much I love you.” He could tell she was beginning to weaken as he added, “I swear babe more than anything I wanted to marry you next Saturday and make lots of babies with you.” Watching the tears begin to trickle down her face, he started crying as he added, “You’re the only person who really knows me and I can’t live without you, I’d rather be dead.” Just like him tears were flowing down her cheeks, she knew how desperate he felt. Summoning all her courage she said, “Stop it Jimmy, I can’t listen to you anymore, I’ve got things to do, you should go and join the others.” “I want to stay here with you. Anyway what could you possibly have to do?” “I’ve got to go back to a restaurant, I’m meeting the manager about a job and I don’t want to be late.”
“You don’t need to work in that restaurant; you’ve got your own.” Smiling she replied, “It’s not mine Jimmy, it was never really mine, it’s yours just like everything else.” Even though he knew what she had just said was true, he replied, “You’re wrong Maria’s is yours.” “It doesn’t matter anyway, you can sell Maria‘s restaurant if you want to, I certainly won’t need it when I become a nun.” Lowering his head into his hands he cried and said, “Please babe, tell me what I can do to make you come back with me?” Placing her arm around him she replied, “You don’t really need me Jimmy, there are lots of young girls who want you.” “I don’t want anyone else, only you babe.” “Please stop it Jimmy, it’s over. I’ll always have love in my heart for you and I’ll always be grateful to you, but I can’t live that life anymore.” “Please babe, I promise you if you give me just one last chance I’ll prove to you how wonderful your life can be.” Waiting for her to reply he just watched as she sat there with tears streaming down her face. Wiping her face with his hand, he said, “Why are you crying?” When she didn’t answer him but simply shook her head, he asked her again. Still she sat silently. Wanting an answer he said, “Considering you’ve been so adamant about not coming back, I’m surprised you’re so upset.” A few moments passed then with her beautiful eyes all red and puffy she looked lovingly and said, “I can’t talk about it Jimmy, anyway you wouldn’t understand.” “Try me.” Trying to hold back her tears she said, “Ok, for most of my life I have been abused in one way or another. I’ve been beaten, starved, at times denied all my human rights, raped and treated like an animal and I just can’t take anymore. I don’t expect you to understand but I just want peace now, that’s why I want to become a nun.” Putting his arm around her he replied, “I know exactly what you mean babe. I’ve been there; my father did all those things to me.” Raising her head she looked at him with disbelief.
Jimmy knew he’d hit a nerve, because for the first time since meeting her on the beach she really appeared to be listening to him. Having her attention he continued “If you don’t believe me ask Mickey, that’s why Den ordered the hit on my father. They’re the only people who know, but now you do.” Patiently he waited for her to say something, hoping against all hope that she would give him another chance. His heart was racing as they sat there looking at one another. Barely a few seconds had passed when she put her arms around him. Resting his head on her chest as she held him tight in her arms, he sobbed like a baby. It was as though years of pent up anger were flooding out of him. Several minutes went by; he could barely catch his breath.
Gently kissing the top of his head she held him and reassuringly said, “Everything will be fine Jimmy, just let it go.” Looking up at her through blood shot eyes he said, “Nothing will ever be right babe if we’re not together.” Hesitating before answering him, she said, “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll go back to London with you today.” A feeling of total relief surged through him, he was trembling but he couldn’t stop hugging and kissing her.
Maria was well aware that he would see it as everything going back to how it was, so she repeated to him, “Like I said Jimmy, I’m not promising anything, we’ll need to talk a lot more before I commit to anything.” Looking concerned he replied, “I take it you’re referring to the wedding?” She nodded. Not wanting to push the subject; because he knew the time wasn’t right, he said, “I understand, I just want you home babe.” Taking a tissue from her bag, she passed it to him to wipe his face. As he looked at her he noticed the bruises on her face as she swept her hair back. Gently he touched her face and said, “I promise as God is my witness, I’ll never lay a hand on you again.” Kissing him gently on the lips she said, “Come on Jimmy let’s go home.” Despite what he’d said she knew their problems were far from over.
Mickey drove back to London. Jimmy slept most of the journey with his head resting on her shoulder as they travelled in the back. They were all very quiet. It wasn’t until they pulled up outside the apartment that he woke up.
Monica kissed her and said, “I’ll phone you sweetheart.” Mickey kissed her and said, “Thank God we found you babe, I couldn’t have taken another night like last night.” Feeling humble that they had been brought into her problems she replied, “I’m so sorry for all the trouble I’ve cause you both.” “Don’t be daft babe, we were worried about you.” Looking at her Mickey asked himself how anyone, especially his best friend could treat her so badly. Monica had been right when she’d said she was a lovely person.
Even on the drive back to his place with Monica after dropping the others off, he thought about Maria. She never deserved any of the terrible things that she had endured, she was everything that was good and kind and loving. Then for a brief moment he wished they hadn’t found her, simply because she would have found peace by becoming a nun and if anyone deserved it, she did.
CHAPTER 48
Inside the apartment Maria said to Jimmy, “I’ll make you something to eat.” “I’m not hungry babe. I just feel tired; will you lay down with me? I promise I won’t want sex, I just want to lay with you and hold you.” Smiling she held out her hand. They walked toward the bedroom.
Lying on the bed with her in his arms, her head resting on his chest he said, “Were you serious about becoming a nun?” “Yes, I truly believe it’s my calling, I want to help save people.” Stroking her hair he replied, “You’re already doing that, you’ve saved me. I know I have no right to ask, but do you think you might still marry me on Saturday?” When she didn’t answer, he asked her again. Knowing his temper was still just under the surface, she didn’t want to say anything that might anger him. So in a soft voice she replied, “Up until yesterday Jimmy, I wanted to marry you more than anything, but now it feels different. I had often questioned why God had allowed all those terrible things to happen to me, I would pray and pray for an answer, because I never understood why. Then when I left yesterday, I watched the people at the train station, the down and outs here and in Brighton. It was then I realised had I not have suffered myself how could I possibly connect with those people. Perhaps God had intended all along for me to be a nun, that’s why everything’s happened the way it has.” Taking in what she’d said calmly he replied, “What if God only intended for you to save me?” “I can’t answer that Jimmy, maybe you should ask Father Thomas.”
Pulling her closer to him he snuggled his head onto her breasts and in a desperate voice said, “Please don’t leave me babe, I’m a better person when you’re here. Hopefully you love me enough to think I’m worth saving. I know I don’t deserve another chance, especially after all the terrible things I’ve done, but I love you babe.” This time she answered immediately and replied, “I love you and I know you’re a good person, I only doubt myself.” Confused by what she’d just said he lifted his head and stared at her as he said, “What do you mean, doubt yourself,
you’re an angel babe.” Lovingly she stroked the side of his face and said, “It’s not important.” “It’s important to me, come on tell me.” “Ok, but I expect you’ll laugh.” “I won’t.” “For the first time in my life I experienced jealousy, it was when Della kissed you. I felt terrible that for that instant I loathed her.” “Believe me babe; you’ve got nothing to be jealous of. If it makes you feel any better, if it had been a bloke who had done that to you; I would have ripped his fucking head off!” Despite his joke she looked at him and said, “As this seems to be a time for home truths Jimmy, I want you to know I resent your mistrust of me. You of all people should know I would never be interested in anyone else.” Trying to look convincing, he replied, “I do trust you babe.” “If that were true Jimmy why have you become so much worse in the last couple of months?” From the moment he answered her, she knew he was keeping something back because he couldn’t look at her when he replied, “More than anything in my life, I want to marry you. Stupidly I thought by making you fear me, you would be too afraid to even look at another man. Truth is babe; I’m terrified of losing you, I see every man as a threat.” Knowing there was more to it she said, “So has that changed now?” Now lifting his head to look at her again, he replied, “I promise I’ll try not to think like that anymore, even if you call off the wedding, I’ll wait for as long as you need too, just as long as we’re together.” “Where did you go last night when you left the apartment Jimmy?” “Why, is it important?” “Not really, I’m just curious.” “I went to the cemetery to talk to my mum. I sat there in the darkness and asked her to ask God to help me make things right with you, although I didn’t know you’d left me then.” Holding him closer she said, “Obviously God listened.”
Rolling over onto his side, before propping himself up on his elbow, he looked down upon her and said, “You’ll never understand how much I love you.” Then he kissed her tenderly. When she responded he so wanted to make love to her, but he remembered what he said about just needing her to lay with him. Fighting his desire to touch her, he refrained from being intimate. Maria knew he was struggling to keep his promise. As they kissed she said, “I’d like you to make love to me Jimmy.” For the rest of the night they kissed and touched each other, making love until the early hours of the morning.
Maria was up first the next day, as she prepared their breakfast she reflected on the previous day. In some strange way she felt as though she had achieved something, quite what; she didn’t know, but there had been a break through with Jimmy. The fact that he had told her about the abuse he had endured at the hands of his father was a positive thing. For the first time she had a feeling of complete calm, never before had she been so in control of her life. In her heart she wanted everything to work out with him; she loved him with every fibre of her being, but for the first time ever, she felt she had options, not an experience she was used to.
Gently she woke him up taking him in a cup of tea. Sitting up he smiled as she said, “Breakfast will be ready in five minutes.” He looked at her and thought she was the best person he had ever known. Watching her leave the bedroom, he asked himself why he had allowed himself to come so close to losing the one thing in his life that was truly wonderful.
Joining her a few minutes later, he sat at the table as she attentively poured him another tea and served his breakfast. Smiling he said, “Can I have a kiss?” Without replying she leaned over and kissed him. When she moved away he took her hand preventing her from leaving. Turning round she smiled and said, “Don’t let your breakfast get cold.” Keeping hold of her he replied, “I want you to know babe, I really am so sorry for what I did.” Sitting down next to him, she said, “I know” then she wondered whether or not to broach the subject of his father’s abuse, her thoughts being, she would have to at some point so it might as well be then. Just as she was about to speak he said, “Have you thought any more about the wedding, I know I shouldn’t ask, but I want to marry you more than anything in the world. Reaching over she took his hand and squeezing it gently she replied, “I’m not sure Jimmy, things have changed.” “I promise you babe, I will never treat you badly again. Please babe, give me another chance.” “It’s not about giving you another chance Jimmy, I came back didn’t I? It’s just there are things we need to discuss before I’ll even consider making such a huge commitment.” Frowning he said, “What things?” “Like your temper Jimmy and the way you’ve become so sexually aggressive, it frightens me.” Virtually ignoring what she had said he replied, “You know how sorry I am.” Undeterred she continued, “I think all your problems stem from your father.” When he quickly looked away from her she knew he was embarrassed. Not wanting to cause him anymore pain she said, “Finish your breakfast, you don’t have to talk with me, but I really feel you should talk to someone.”
Without saying anything he just looked at her and shook his head. Now she wasn’t about to let the issue go, especially if she was going to spend the rest of her life with him, so boldly she said, “Have you ever thought about seeing a councillor?” Again he shook his head, but said nothing. In the hope of reassuring him she squeezed his hand and smiled as she waited for him to say something, but it wasn’t the answer she’d hoped for, when he said, “I could never talk to anyone about it.” With his words and the look on his face she imagined the terrified young boy he must have been, knowing as she did what it felt like to be terrified and powerless.
Lifting his hand she tenderly kissed it as she said, “You can always talk to me Jimmy and if not me then Father Thomas, I know he’d always help you.” Trying to change the subject he replied, “Once we’re married babe I’ll be fine, you’ll see.” Although she disagreed she decided to leave debating it. Simply because it was obvious that he wasn’t going to talk to her, especially as he’d changed the subject. What she had already said would have to be enough for that day. Smiling she said, “So what have you got planned for today?” “I don’t care as long as I’m with you, we can do whatever you like.” Maria thought about it before replying, “It would be nice just to spend the day together; we don’t have to do anything in particular.” “How about we go over to the house, maybe we could take a picnic lunch, if you wanted to we could eat in the garden.” “That’s a lovely idea, it would be really nice.”
After breakfast they showered together, he was very tender with her as they sponged each other down. Sex in the shower was something they both enjoyed, so it was inevitable that morning would be no exception. Gently sponging her back, he asked her again about the wedding. Although she knew he was desperate for her to say yes, she needed to be sure, knowing this would not be an easy marriage simply because she knew his new found trust in her would be short lived. There would hopefully be children somewhere in their future; so she would need to be absolutely certain. Lovingly she replied, “Please Jimmy, just give me some time.” Kissing the back of her neck he said, “I’m sorry babe, you’re here that’s all that matters.”
Just before they left he called Mickey. When his friend answered, Jimmy said, “Just calling to let you know we’re going to the house for the day. I’ll be turning my phone off, so if there’s an emergency you’ll have to call at the house.” “I’m glad things are working out ok. How’s Maria this morning?” “Yeah she’s good; she’s looking forward to going to the house, we just want time on our own, preferably without any interruptions.” Mickey laughed and said, “Say no more Jimbo, have fun” “We intend too.” “I’ll see you both tomorrow. Love to Maria.” “Cheers Mick.”
On the drive to the house, he kept squeezing her knee and telling her that he loved her and throughout the journey he kept reassuring her that everything would be ok, making several references to the wedding.
When they arrived at the house; he still dropped hints, even as they went through the door he said, “Hopefully the next time we come to the house, I’ll be carrying you over the threshold as Mrs Dixon.” Once inside he said, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our children grew up here?” Tryin
g to get away from the topic of the wedding she replied, “Shall we eat at the table in the garden, or have a proper picnic with a blanket on the ground.” “Definitely the blanket babe,” he said with a grin.
An hour later they were sitting on the blanket in the warm sunshine. “This is my first picnic,” said Maria. “Mine too babe. I’m looking forward to taking our kids on picnics.” Maria knew, although he meant it, there was an undercurrent as to why he said it; he needed her to reassure him that the wedding was still on. Leaning over he touched her face, then placing his hand behind her neck he gently pulled her head towards him and kissed her passionately. Joking with him she said, “I hope our neighbours can’t see us!” “I don’t care; anyway we don’t really have any neighbours.” Raising her eyebrows she pointed to a couple of houses whose bedroom windows overlooked their garden. Grinning he said, “Oh well looks like we’ll have to go indoors to make love.” Tickling him she said, “I thought we were here to spend quality time together?” Jokingly he replied, “Don’t I always give you good quality and let’s not forget quantity!” Pinching him she giggled and replied, “Jimmy Dixon you’ve got a one track mind!” “I know, great isn’t it?” Tickling him again, she could feel that he was becoming aroused, so she said, “Perhaps we should go inside?” Maria knew that to him every problem they had could be resolved with sex; it wasn’t the same for her.
