Not Just Another Cowboy (Silhouette Special Edition)

by Finch, Carol

  Giving his mom a smacking kiss on the cheek, Zack bounded off the bed. “I gotta go see Grandpa,” he insisted.

  “Zack, wait,” Alexa called after him. “Grandpa didn’t have a good day. The nurses don’t want him disturbed. Better wait until tomorrow to visit him.”

  Chance fixed his attention on Alexa’s bleak expression. Was Howard’s condition troubling her? Had the old man suffered a serious setback? Was guilt and concern eating her alive?

  He knew she held herself personally responsible for frightening and upsetting Howard. Chance felt responsible, too. He had worried for days that his confrontation with the old man would worsen his fragile condition.

  According to Harvard, the old man had been recuperating nicely. What happened today that disrupted his recovery?

  Chance didn’t have a clue, and it was days later before Kurt Stevenson informed him that Howard’s condition had finally stabilized. As for Alexa, she never recovered from being unnaturally quiet and withdrawn.

  It wasn’t until the day Alexa was released from the hospital that Chance noticed the slightest enthusiasm in her voice or sparkle in her eyes.

  Chance picked up Alexa from the hospital, but there was nothing but small talk between them. He couldn’t bring himself to press her, not on her first day of freedom in two weeks. She was satisfied just to absorb fresh air and admire the outside world.

  The only reaction he received from her was a startled gasp when she spied the recently completed patio attached to the cedar barn.

  “Oh, Chance,” she murmured. “I can’t believe how much difference the lattice portico makes in the appearance of the barn! And the cedar benches! When did you find time to do all this?”

  Chance helped Alexa from the truck, then lent a supporting arm as she made a beeline toward the B-and-B. “Chester and I got the idea from one of those countryliving magazines of yours.” Chance held open the barn door and gestured toward the new addition to the dining area. “Deb came up with the idea of using cedar lattice as dividers, giving the tables a look of privacy. She insisted that people came to places like this looking for a getaway that offered a cozy atmosphere. Chester and I agreed with her. With this arrangement, you can tuck yourself into a corner and feel as if you have your own piece of the world.”

  Alexa scanned the marvelous changes that provided the dining area with the kind of atmosphere she wanted to project. Tears filled her eyes, realizing that she was seeing her dream come true, painfully aware of the sacrifices she had to make to keep it. As much as she longed to fulfill this dream of hers, her enthusiasm was overridden by the fierce ache in her heart. She would give it all up in the bat of an eyelash if she and Chance could have a future together.

  Yet, circumstances made it impossible.

  Alexa recognized the extent to which she had come to rely and depend on Chance. She had grown to love him even more when she observed the way he interacted with Zack, how happy and well adjusted Zack had become, despite this ordeal. Chance had made all the difference. He had made personal sacrifices for her benefit.

  And she had betrayed him in order to provide Howard with the hope needed to fight for his life. Worse, Alexa hadn’t been able to find the words to tell Chance that she had promised Howard that his world would remain as it had been.

  “Hey, darlin’, don’t cry. The barn doesn’t look that bad, does it?”

  Alexa couldn’t blink away the tears that dribbled down her cheeks, couldn’t find her voice to speak. She wrapped her arms around Chance’s neck—and accidentally knocked him upside the head with her clumsy cast.

  “Hey, watch it. That arm is dangerous,” he said, trying to tease her into good humor. “If you—”

  Impulsively, urgently, Alexa pulled his head to hers and kissed him with all the pent-up emotion boiling inside her. She kissed him for all the empty days and broken dreams that lay ahead of her. She held on to him with the desperation of a woman who knew she would never enjoy her heart’s fondest desire. And Chance returned all the emotion she poured out to him, holding her with a gentleness that incited more tears.

  “I love you,” Alexa choked out. “No matter what, I want you to know that, believe that. I love you for all the things you’ve done, for the way you make me feel inside. There aren’t enough words to express how I feel about you, Chance.”

  Very tenderly, he framed her face in his hands and stared deeply into her eyes. “Do you love me enough to give up this dream of yours, to come away with me, no matter where I asked you to go?”

  “Chance, I—”

  His thumb skimmed her quivering lips. “How much, Alexa? Enough to make the sacrifices for me that I’ve made for you?”

  His question was like a knife twisting in her heart. She wanted to scream in misery and frustration. “Yes,” she whispered brokenly. “I—”

  “I love you, too, Alexa,” he murmured, then brushed his lips over hers. “I’ve missed so much in life, things I wasn’t even aware of until I came here, until I came to know you and Zack. I was leery of any responsibility that might prove I was like my own father. But spending this week with Zack taught me that I’m nothing like my father. Caring for you and Zack makes me happy, fulfills a need that has been growing stronger each day. I—”

  “Chance,” she wailed in torment. “Please... Oh God, I didn’t know...”

  Her voice trailed off into a tortured sob. Why couldn’t he have told her days ago? And yet, would it have altered her crucial decision if he had? She still would have had to choose and someone had to lose, she realized. There could be no compromise, no satisfactory resolution.

  “Don’t love me,” she whimpered in anguish. “I don’t deserve you. I can’t have you!”

  “Don’t deserve me?” Chance frowned at the nearhysterical expression in her eyes. “I swore it was the other way around. We can make things work. We’ll find a way—”

  “No,” Alexa cut in. Tears burned down her cheeks, her breath seesawed in and out. She couldn’t stop the flow of tormented emotion she had held in check for a week. “There’s no way. When Howard had a relapse I was in his room. I was afraid he was going to give up. I told him how I felt about you, and I told him that in spite of my own hopes and dreams I would be there with him always—”

  Her voice broke and she pushed away from the circle of his arms, feeling ashamed, frustrated, cruel. “Don’t you understand, Chance? When Howard’s life was on the line I had to choose him and he had to know it. I did the very thing I secretly despised Dan for doing!”

  Alexa heard her voice rise to a wild pitch, but was helpless to control it. These feelings of betrayal and hopelessness swallowed her alive. The hurt expression that claimed Chance’s rugged features left her soul to bleed.

  “I placed Howard as the higher priority, because he needed to know he was needed. He’s an old man and he has no one else to turn to. I sacrificed us, Chance. I made the agonizing mistake of letting myself chase a selfish dream, just for the chance to be with you, to live with you for a moment out of time. Giving you up is the price I have to pay to provide an old man with the will to live. You don’t deserve this, and it’s killing me to know that I’m going to lose you....”

  Chance stood there, immobilized, while Alexa burst into sobs and wheeled away. She hobbled toward the house, accompanied by the sound of her own whimpers. He wanted to stalk after her, to rail at her for fersaking the best thing that had ever happened to him. Chance felt betrayed, cheated, slighted. He had given up his way of life to see that Alexa had her dream of opening the B-and-B. He had let himself get impossibly attached to her and that adorable kid. And pow! His dreams of a family went up in a puff of smoke.

  He’d known it would hurt like hell if things didn’t work out according to his hopeful expectations. But the pain that bore down on the throbbing cavity in his chest made it difficult to draw breath, difficult to find reason to draw breath.

  Now what are you going to do, Butler? Stay here, bleeding on the inside, waiting until Howard
is back on his feet so he can personally order you off the property? Are you going to refuse to speak to Alexa, because of the choice she made to instill the will to live in the old man?

  The will to live... The words kept rumbling through his mind like thunder. Alexa had sacrificed any chance of true happiness, because Howard Tipton—for better or worse—had always been there. Alexa’s loyalty was unfaltering, but she tossed the prospect of love aside because...

  Chance swore colorfully. He had Dan Tipton’s infidelity to thank for Alexa’s lack of faith in the power of love and stability. She had discovered, the hard way, that love didn’t always last, that it wasn’t necessarily a two-way street.

  Loyalty, now there was the sure bet, as far as Alexa was concerned. She knew what to expect from the old man, had learned to deal with him through the years. What she was afraid to count on was that Chance wouldn’t succumb to the lure of the rowdy nightlife that went hand in hand with the rodeo circuit. She expected Chance to come and go like the seasons of the sun. She expected him to lose interest in her eventually. She didn’t have confidence in her ability to satisfy a man—for as long as they both lived.

  Damn it, he knew those reasons influenced her decision to remain loyal to Howard. So how the hell could he prove that he had staying power when he wouldn’t be allowed to stay?

  Scowling, swearing, Chance spun around and stormed toward the bunkhouse. Pecos Smith pulled up short when Chance shouldered past him.

  “Did you bring Alexa home from the hospital?” Pecos asked as Chance whizzed inside.

  “Yes,” Chance snapped gruffly.

  “How is she?”

  “Fine.”

  Pecos blinked at Chance’s harsh tone, but Chance was too frustrated to apologize. He needed some space to think things through. He needed to pack his gear and get the hell out of here.

  “I’m putting you in charge of Rocking T. According to the physician, Howard won’t get his walking papers for another week. You will be here that long.”

  “I will?” Pecos asked.

  “Damn right you will.”

  “But it’s okay for you to bail out, is that right?”

  Chance glared steak knives at the younger cowboy. “Yeah, that’s right, pal. You stay and I go.”

  “You’re going to leave before the grand opening next weekend?” Pecos questioned as Chance rummaged around for belongings he might have overlooked. “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

  Chance rounded on Pecos, wishing he could hit something, throw something, but he refused to take his anger out on an innocent victim. “I’ll tell you what’s the matter. I fell in love with an impossible dream, with an impossible woman in an impossible situation. Do yourself a favor, Pecos, don’t make the same disastrous mistake. Love will rip out your heart.”

  In a flash, Chance was out the door. He didn’t bother to collect the belongings he’d left at the house. What he left behind could be replaced....

  Now there was a laugh. How did a man replace his own heart and soul? It wasn’t as if they were sitting on a shelf at the local convenience store where a man could swagger in and pick up replacements when he was fresh out.

  Gunning the clunker truck, Chance sprayed gravel on his way down the driveway. His hands were clenched so tightly around the steering wheel that his knuckles turned white. His belly flipped over, then knotted up. He spewed a few obscenities to ease his frustration as he drove away.

  He had opened his heart, taken the risk of falling in love, and he had nothing to show for the experience but bittersweet memories.

  Damn it to hell and back! Hadn’t he known better than to get involved? Hadn’t he predicted something like this would happen?

  Well, here he was, staring misery in the face. And misery, he figured, was about to become his ever-constant companion.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chance got as far as Willowvale before he realized he couldn’t walk away. His aching heart had already changed his mind for him. Both his heart and head were in agreement that if he walked, he would prove what Alexa believed to be true. During a series of crises, she could never depend on a man to be there with her, for her.

  Damn it, he and Alexa loved each other! Didn’t that count for anything? Was there any truth to that cliché about love conquering all?

  Applying the brake. Chance waited for the stoplight on Main Street to turn green. His mind raced like a Thoroughbred. He had given Howard Tipton his word that the ranch would be in proper working order when the old man returned home. Chance had obligations to fulfill, even if he had to drive to and from Rocking T.

  Maybe he couldn’t bear to live at the ranch, tossing and turning each night, wishing he could hold Alexa in his arms, but he could hole up in a local motel, the way he did while he traveled the rodeo circuit. He would see to the farm chores, then make himself scarce in the evenings. If nothing else, he would prove to Alexa, and to Howard, that he was a man of honor, a man who took responsibility seriously.

  Chance had tolerated all the hurt and disappointments life tossed his way when he was a child. He could endure this feeling of betrayal, this sense of loss.

  When the impatient driver behind him honked twice, Chance glanced up at the green light and cruised through the intersection. Within a few minutes he located Sleepe Hollow Motel. The quarters were cramped, luxury-sparse, but the room was reasonably clean. Chance had sure as hell bedded down in worse places while he followed the suicide circuit.

  While he was sprawled on the double bed, holding the remote control to the TV in one hand, a can of cola in the other, he asked himself how he was going to explain his absence in Zack’s life. He and the rookie had become so close the past month that Chance couldn’t bear the thought of removing himself from Zack’s life without so much as a goodbye.

  Chance’s parents had pulled that stunt on him, and he knew how it felt to be abandoned and left thinking that it was his fault that his parents lacked affection for him.

  Zack was not going to suffer that kind of mental anguish. No child deserved to harbor those feelings of inadequacy!

  Chance checked his watch. If he skedaddled over to the elementary school, he could speak to Zack before the boy piled onto the bus. In a flash, Chance was out the door and in the jalopy truck. He had no idea what in the hell he was going to say, but Zack had a right to know Chance wouldn’t be waiting at home.

  “Chance!” Zack called excitedly. He rushed forward, clutching his math book in one arm and waving wildly with the other.

  Chance smiled faintly when several third-graders wheeled around to peer up at him. It seemed all of Zack’s friends were eager to look their fill at the real cool dude Zack had described.

  Tipping his hat politely, Chance nodded greetings to the half-pint crowd that closed in around him.

  “You’re the rodeo star, aren’t you?” a towheaded youngster asked. “Do you really practice baseball with Zack every night?”

  Chance inwardly grimaced. Those practice sessions were about to come to a screeching halt. “Unless it rains,” he hedged. “We definitely don’t practice when lightning strikes. Much too dangerous.”

  “Did you really put up an adjustable basketball goal for Zack?” another youngster wanted to know.

  Chance nodded. “Gotta have a place to practice if you’re going to get good at something.”

  “And you actually took Zack fishing, and you didn’t even yell at him when he accidentally caused you to fall in the water?”

  Chance was amazed that these third-graders knew so much about his activities. That was proof enough that Zack took pride and satisfaction in the time Chance spent with him.

  “No, I didn’t yell at him. I was too busy laughing,” Chance said. “Now, if y’all will excuse me, I’d like to speak privately with Zack before he catches the bus.”

  Proudly, Zack matched Chance’s step as they strode to a vacant corner of the building. “Man, the guys won’t be able to say I made up all that stuff about you. Thanks, C
hance.”

  “No problem, rookie.” Despite the pain in his knee, Chance squatted down to Zack’s level. “We don’t have much time here, rookie. I just wanted you to know that I won’t be around the ranch much when you get home from school.”

  The stricken look on Zack’s face was like a spike driven into Chance’s chest.

  “Why not?” Zack wheezed.

  Why not? There were a dozen complicated reasons why, none of which Zack would understand.

  “The fact is that I’m not really a part of your family, Zack. Sometimes grown-ups have to go away, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t care. I care about you, and I wish things could have turned out differently. I’ll be around town a while longer, until your grandpa is feeling better. But now that your mom is home from the hospital—”

  “But I want you there!” Zack burst out, his bottom lip quivering as he battled tears.

  “It’s going to be okay, rookie,” Chance assured him quickly. “We’ll work it out so we can spend time together. Maybe we can go to the park together. Your mom says it’s one of your favorite places.”

  “But it won’t be the same.” Zack wiped the tears from his eyes and hugged his math book tighly to his chest.

  Chance glanced over his shoulder. The steady stream of students clambering onto the bus had thinned out. He was running out of time.

  “You’d better load up, rookie. Your mom is home waiting for you. I’ll make arrangement to see you soon. Now behave yourself. I’ll be thinking about you.”

  When Zack didn’t budge, Chance gave him a gentle nudge. “Take care of your mom. Don’t let her overdo on her first day home.”

  Zack didn’t reply. He just walked away with a wounded look on his face that had Chance swearing under his breath.

  Damn it all, Chance thought as he limped back to the clunker truck. Kids always got caught in the middle of turmoil that wasn’t of their own making. Chance would have to schedule visits with Zack to assure the boy that he was cared about. Chance had to let Zack down gradually. A clean break was inadvisable—for the kid and for him.