One-Click Buy: July 2009 Harlequin Blaze

by Julie Kenner

  Winnie lifted the lid and a soft oomph of pleasure left her lips as she spied the little charm inside. She recognized it, of course—it was a slightly different replica of his. Different because no two pieces of driftwood were ever the same. But this was clearly the Chinese symbol for courage, the same as he wore himself.

  Another little warning sounded in her mind, but she couldn’t understand why, anymore than she could comprehend the sentiment behind the gift. Courage? What did she need courage for?

  And then it hit her.

  The courage to live her life without him. To move on. To find someone else.

  Tears burned the backs of her eyes and she sincerely hoped that he would think they were tears of joy.

  They were not.

  He’d ruined her again, laid waste to her heart, the one he seemed absolutely determined to reject from now on.

  She struggled to say something appropriate. “Wow. Th-thank you.” She cleared her throat. “It’s like yours.”

  His eyes were kind, but determined. “I know.”

  “Would you like to explain why you chose this particular charm?” she asked, a glutton for punishment.

  Adam looked away and she was thankful that he appeared to be struggling, that his mouth didn’t want to form the words his mind had determined were necessary. “I chose it because I want you to have the courage to find another life, Winnie. One without me in it. You’ve got to promise me that you’ll do it,” he said. “I can’t go off thinking that you’re waiting, that you’re expecting—” He broke off, unable to continue. “I need to let go, Winnie.”

  A fatalistic smile rolled around her lips and the tears she’d been determined that she wasn’t going to cry spilled over.

  So she’d been right.

  And naturally he’d ask the one thing of her she wasn’t able to give.

  Asking her not to love him, not to want him, not to miss him was like asking her not to breathe.

  It was impossible.

  Winnie shook her head and her blurry gaze tangled with his. She tightened her fist around the little charm, because she needed the courage right then to say what had to be said.

  “I’m sorry, Adam, but that’s a promise I can’t make. Because, as you and everyone else in town knows, I love you.” She laughed brokenly, the relief at admitting it aloud making her slightly manic. “I have always loved you. I will always love you. I can’t just turn it off, like there’s a button somewhere. If that were the case, then I would have done it a long time ago, especially when you didn’t seem to realize that I existed.”

  “Winnie, I never—”

  She jumped out the car, rounded the hood and opened the driver’s side door, silently asking him to get out. He did, but very reluctantly. Always a gentleman, she thought. He didn’t turn that off, either.

  “Winnie—”

  “Save it, Adam. And you can keep your charm.” She handed it back to him, then slid behind the wheel and closed the door. She looked at him through the open window, though it hurt. “I’m not the one who needs courage. That’s you. You’re the coward here. You’re afraid to let yourself love me.”

  “I’m not afraid, dammit. It’s impossible. I can’t have that dream anymore. I’m not—”

  “Bullshit. Just like everything else in your life, Adam, you could have it if you wanted it bad enough, if it were truly important to you.”

  His temper flared. “Don’t tell me you’re not important to me! Don’t tell me I don’t want it enough. You have no idea,” he said, emphasizing ever word.

  “Maybe not,” she said, shrugging. “But talk is cheap and your reasoning is flawed. If you can have your career back, then you can have it all back. You can have me back. If you wanted me.”

  She started the car.

  “Winnie, wait! You don’t understand—” He swore hotly. “Dammit, I’m botching this.”

  “What do you want from me, Adam?” she all but wailed. She could feel tears burning the backs of her eyes and determinedly blinked them back. “I’m tired of trying to figure you out. I’m weary of your games. Why can’t you just level with me? Why can’t you just tell me the damned truth? All of it, in plain English, not veiled in innuendo and cryptic meaning. Please,” she tacked on as an afterthought. Her voice broke with despair.

  His agonized eyes tangled with hers and the swirl of emotion she saw churning there made her ache to comfort him. But she couldn’t. Not anymore. If he wanted her comfort, then he was going to have to ask for it, dammit. She was through. She couldn’t do this anymore. She didn’t have the strength.

  “I’m not good enough for you anymore!” he finally exploded, as though the words had been ripped from a hidden, hated part of himself, a part he kept tightly under rein. “Not like this! Look at me,” he said, disgust dripping from his voice. He gestured wearily to his missing leg. “I can’t keep up with you. I can’t even run without friggin’ falling down. I’m a wreck, Winnie. A house condemned. Can’t you see that?”

  So she’d had it right, then. But he was far worse than she’d feared. His admission left her reeling, the revulsion for himself the most terrible part in all of this. Her beautiful wounded warrior. He was wrong on so many counts she didn’t even know where to begin.

  “I won’t do this to you,” he said, shaking his head. Determination rang in his tone. “I won’t drag you into it. And I’m not going to take advantage of your…affection—”

  He’d meant to say love—he knew she loved him.

  “—because I can’t distinguish between it and pity. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Let’s leave how I feel about you out of it for a minute please. How do you feel about me?”

  He hesitated. “Winnie—”

  She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, then opened them once more. “Tell me.”

  He swallowed and though it could only be her imagination playing tricks on her, she thought he looked…nervous. She’d never seen Adam McPherson nervous about anything.

  He cleared his throat. “I…care very…deeply for you. But that doesn’t change anything. Don’t put your hope in me, Winnie,” he said, his voice breaking. “I’m hopeless.”

  “No, you’re not,” she said fervently. She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again.”

  He laughed without humor. “It’s true.”

  “It’s not,” she insisted. “Let me ask you something, Adam. You’re determined to get your career back, right? To go back to Iraq? Resume your Special Forces position?”

  He nodded.

  “So you can have your career back, but the rest of your life is lost to you? You can’t have me?”

  “In a manner of speaking, yes.”

  Outraged at his skewed reasoning, Winnie felt her eyes widen. “That’s flawed logic, genius. Surely you see it?”

  A shadow moved behind his eyes. “Flawed or not, it’s mine. I won’t hurt you, Winnie.”

  Wrong, Winnie thought. What did he think he was doing to her now?

  She smiled sadly. “All the same, Adam, I’m here. Just like always. You can’t change how I feel anymore than I can. You can’t make me not want you. You can’t make me not love you. You can’t make me not want a life with you.” She looked away, unable to stand the pain on his face, the indecision. “And I will never stop wanting that or trying to make you want it, too.” She swallowed, knowing truer words had never been spoken. He was hers, dammit. She knew he loved her. She would win…in time. “Be safe.”

  And with those two words, she shifted into Reverse and drove away from him.

  It was the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life.

  14

  COLONEL MARKS STOOD and shook his hand. “Congratulations, Captain McPherson. It’s a pleasure to have you back with us.”

  Adam smiled, though the victory he’d expected to feel rang hollowly. “Thank you, sir. My pleasure.”

  “You’re sure Monday isn’t too soon? You’re ready?”

 
“Absolutely,” Adam said, tasting the barest hint of a lie on his tongue. He was ready to go back to Iraq, but he was not ready to leave Winnie.

  I’m here, Adam, just like always…

  Sweet hell, did she have any idea what she was doing to him? How much he wanted to believe that she was right and they could have it all?

  “I know we’ve added some unexpected duties to your actual job description, but I hope that they will be something that will be both rewarding to you and to your fellow injured brothers in arms.”

  Adam nodded once. “Yes, sir. It’ll be an honor.”

  And it would, though he really didn’t feel like he had any business telling other wounded soldiers how to recover when he was far from recovered himself. His little revelations last night had told him just how far he still had to go. Physically, yes he was ready to go back to work. But mentally… Like he’d told Winnie last night, he was a wreck. A house condemned. Uninhabitable.

  As for the additional duties, Adam knew there were other amputees who shared their stories to instill hope, to show the wounded that, while their lives and bodies might be broken, they were not shattered beyond repair. Though he had his doubts, what Colonel Marks had asked him specifically to do really appealed to him. The idea of helping other men and women who wanted re-entry into their former positions, teaching them how to meet that goal was intensely appealing.

  While he wasn’t altogether sure he knew exactly what he was doing, he knew how not to do it. And he knew what these people were going through. He could relate. He could inspire. He could still lead.

  Curiously, this new purpose sparked a surge of adrenaline he hadn’t felt in a long time, could sense the thrill of a new purpose, a new direction cutting a path across his future. Strange when he’d been so certain his path had been set, that there’d never be another road he wanted to follow…

  He exited the building and found his parents sitting on a bench beneath a wide oak tree.

  “Well?” his father asked.

  Adam smiled and nodded once. “I’m back.”

  His father grinned, gripped him in a hug and slapped him on the back. “Well done, son. I’m proud of you.”

  His mother’s arms came around his waist. “And despite what you think, I am too.”

  “Mom,” he said chidingly.

  “No, it’s true. I am proud of you. If this is truly the life you want, then I’m happy for you, too.”

  Until last night Adam would have whole-heartedly agreed that this was indeed the life he wanted. Actually, that wasn’t true. It was still the life he wanted…he just wanted Winnie to share it with him.

  That’s why the victory felt hollow—because she wasn’t here to share it with him. He wanted to tell her how everything had gone, tell her about his new mentoring opportunity, one that Colonel Marks intimated might actually turn into a full-time position based here in the States, where he would split time between Walter Reed Medical Center and The Center for the Intrepid.

  That would be after he finished his tour, of course, but technically his tour was up in two months. While this wasn’t strictly getting his old job back, Adam felt like this path had opened for a reason and it didn’t feel wrong.

  “You should call Winnie and let her know,” his mother said. “She’ll be so pleased for you.”

  She would be, Adam thought. Winnie would be happy about anything that made him happy. Because she loved him. He laughed softly. Because she’d always loved him.

  Adam mentally reviewed their last few minutes together and marveled at her tenacity, at her determination. His little fighter, he thought, smiling.

  And he’d had the nerve to give her a courage charm?

  Winnie was right. She wasn’t the one who needed courage—he was.

  Because he’d been afraid to love her, afraid of the future, afraid of becoming a burden. But he’d just realized something very important, something that shifted his reasoning and made a mockery of his so-called logic.

  He was more afraid of living without her.

  For all intents and purposes, the comprehension was so strong the ground should have shook beneath his feet.

  It was true that in all probability at some point in their future, he would not be able to keep up with Winnie. He still believed that. He would treat his body well, he would show it the kindness it needed to continue healing. But at some point, he would start to fade. When he did, the difficulties that came with old age were going to be exacerbated by the fact he was an amputee.

  This was not speculation—this was fact.

  But that was his hang-up, not Winnie’s.

  And it was not worth squandering the rest of their lives, their very futures and possible children over.

  Furthermore, while Winnie might love her little bakery and her niche in Bethel Bay…she loved him more. She would follow him wherever he might go and always be glad to be there. He knew this, not because she’d told him, but because she didn’t have to.

  Winnie Cuthbert, against better sense, for whatever reason, genuinely truly loved him…and she didn’t care that he was damaged.

  Could a man get anymore lucky?

  Could a man be anymore stupid for trying to throw that away?

  No.

  Adam McPherson was many things, but stupid was not among them.

  “We should probably get going, son,” his father said. “Where do we need to take your things?”

  Adam looked up at his father. “Back to Bethel Bay for the weekend, General.”

  A look of surprise crossed his father’s face. “With us? But I thought you said you were staying here.”

  “Change of plans. I’ve got to right a wrong before I leave.”

  “But you’re leaving Monday?”

  “Yessir, that’s when I ship out. But don’t worry about having to drive me back up here,” he said, smiling as a plan fully solidified in his mind. Happiness burst through him, washing away any sense of doubt, any inkling of uneasiness. “With luck, my wife will do that.”

  His mother gasped with pleasure and she lifted her fingers to her mouth to hide her overwhelmingly wide smile. “Tell Winnie I said hello.”

  Adam nodded, suddenly energized with purpose, absolutely desperate to get back to her. “I always do.”

  WINNIE STARED AT the chocolate cupcake she’d just iced and blinked back tears.

  Stupid cupcake.

  Instead of working the counter like she normally did, she’d hid in the kitchen the better part of the morning so that she could be alone. Lizzie and Jeanette knew that something was wrong. They’d probably also guessed that something’s name and were thankfully, blessedly, leaving her alone.

  She preferred to nurse her wounds in private.

  She deliberately licked the chocolate icing off the cupcake she’d just covered.

  She was pathetic.

  She’d known this was coming. And yet none of that prepared her for the yawning emptiness in her life that Adam’s absence had left.

  She set her tools aside and curled her arms around her middle, trying with every bit of willpower she had left to hold the pieces of her heart together.

  It couldn’t be broken beyond repair because it still beat. She knew at some point she would recover.

  But she would still love him.

  Had he gotten his position back? Winnie wondered. Was he as happy as he expected to be? Was he eager to return to his unit? To finish the tour of duty he started? These are all things she’d love to ask him, ached to ask him, but was no longer welcome to do so.

  Winnie hung her head and tried to find some enthusiasm for her work, but failed miserably. Unfortunately, while she’d been off for the past couple of days, she’d gotten behind on her baking and had no choice but to play catch up now. It was bake or starve, Winnie thought, and the idea drew a weary smile over her lips. And she still had play-offs to get ready for. There was nothing like some good stiff competition to get her mind off her troubles.

  “Winnie?” Jeanette cal
led. “There’s someone out here who wants to see you.”

  Dammit, she’d asked them to handle things up front today, that she wasn’t fit company for customers. She’d managed to make it most of the morning and afternoon huddled back in her kitchen. Was a few more minutes too much to ask?

  “I’ve got my hands in something, Jeanette, and can’t walk away. Could you please help them with whatever it is?”

  She heard Jeanette snicker. “Er… I don’t think so.”

  “Liar,” she heard a woefully familiar voice say from the kitchen doorway.

  Winnie gasped and whirled around.

  Adam.

  But he was gone—He left this morning—He wasn’t supposed to be back—How—

  “If a cupcake is the only thing standing between me and a private audience with you, then by all means let me help you.” He sidled forward and snagged the mangled cupcake from her hand and popped the rest of it into his mouth. He swallowed. “See how easy that was. Now you’re free, right?”

  Winnie blinked, astounded. “W-what are you doing here,” she asked faintly. She gripped the metal table, not altogether sure that her wobbly knees were going to support her.

  He smiled, and the insecurity she’d seen in previous grins was nowhere to be seen. This was Adam’s smile, the confident, self-assured I-know-what-I-want-and-I’m-getting-it-come-hell-or-high-water grin.

  Hope inexplicably blossomed in her chest and her breathing sped up.

  He withdrew a small velvet box from his pocket and showed it to her. “It occurred to me today that I’d given you the wrong piece of jewelry last night.”

  Her heart threatened to pound out of her chest and for the first time in her life, she was in danger of hyperventilating. “W-wrong piece of j-jewelry?” she repeated.

  He nodded solemnly, dropped to his knee and opened the box. A single solitaire blinked from the satiny folds. Or at least that’s what she thought she saw. It was hard to tell with a sheen of tears blocking her view.

  “Adam,” she choked out.

  “Winnie, I love you,” he said, his voice sure and emphatic. “You were right when you called me a coward. I’ve been afraid. I’m still a bit of a mess and I come with a lot of hangups, but… I’m more afraid of a future without you. I need you.” He swallowed. “Will you marry me?”