Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

by George Bernard Shaw

LOUIS I dont think Dr Schutzmacher is pleased with his portrait. I’ll tear it up. [He reaches across the table for Schutzmacher’s menu card, and is about to tear it. Schutzmacher makes no sign].

  RIDGEON No, no: if Loony doesnt want it, I do.

  LOUIS I’ll sign it for you with pleasure. [He signs and hands it to RIDGEON]. Ive just been making a little note of the river to night : it will work up into something good [he shews a pocket sketch-book]. I think I’ll call it the Silver Danube.

  B. B. Ah, charming, charming.

  WA LP O LE Very sweet. Youre a nailer at pastel.

  LOUIS coughs, first out of modesty, then from tuberculosis.

  SIR PATRICK Now then, Mr Dubedat: youve had enough of the night air. Take him home, maam.

  MRS DUBEDAT Yes. Come, Louis.

  RIDGEON Never fear. Never mind. I’ll make that cough all right.

  B. B. We will stimulate the phagocytes. [With tender effusion, shaking her hand] G o o d-night, Mrs Dubedot. Good-night. Good-night.

  WALPOLE If the phagocytes fail, come to me. I’ll put you right.

  LOUIS Good-night, Sir Patrick. Happy to have met you.

  SIR PATRICK ‘Night (half a grunt].

  MRS DUBEDAT Good-night, Sir Patrick.

  SIR PATRICK Cover yourself well up. Dont think your lungs are made of iron because theyre better than his. Good-night.

  MRS DUBEDAT Thank you. Thank you. Nothing hurts me. Good-night.

  LOUIS goes out through the hotel without noticing SCHUTZMACHER. MRS DUBEDAT hesitates, then bows to him. SCHUTZMACHER rises and bows formally, German fashion. She goes out, attended by RIDGEON. The rest resume their seats, ruminating or smoking quietly.

  B. B. [harmoniously] Dee-lightful couple! Charming woman! Gifted lad! Remarkable talent! Graceful outlines! Perfect evening! Great success! Interesting case! Glorious night! Exquisite scenery! Capital dinner! Stimulating conversation! Restful outing! Good wine! Happy ending! Touching gratitude ! Lucky Ridgeon —

  RIDGEON [returning] Whats that? Calling me, B. B.? [He goes back to his seat next SIR PATRICK].

  B. B. No, no. Only congratulating you on a most successful evening! Enchanting woman! Thorough breeding! Gentle nature ! Refined —

  BLENKINSOP comes from the hotel and takes the empty chair next RIDGEON.

  BLENKINSOP I’m so sorry to have left you like this, Ridgeon; but it was a telephone message from the police. Theyve found half a milkman at our level crossing with a prescription of mine in its pocket. Wheres Mr Dubedat?

  RIDGEON Gone.

  BLENKINSOP (rising, very pale] Gone!

  RIDGEON Just this moment —

  BLENKINSOP Perhaps I could overtake him — [he rushes into the hotel) .

  WALPOLE [calling after him] He’s in the motor, man, miles off. You can — [giving it up]. No use.

  RIDGEON Theyre really very nice people. I confess I was afraid the husband would turn out an appalling bounder. But he’s almost as charming in his way as she is in hers. And theres no mistake about his being a genius. It’s something to have got a case really worth saving. Somebody else will have to go; but at all events it will be easy to find a worse man.

  SIR PATRICK How do you know?

  RIDGEON Come now, Sir Paddy, no growling. Have something more to drink.

  SIR PATRICK No, thank you.

  WALPOLE Do y o u see anything wrong with Dubedat, B. B.?

  B. B. Oh, a charming young fellow. Besides, after all, what c o u l d be wrong with him? L o o k at him. What c o u l d be wrong with him?

  SIR PATRICK There are two things that can be wrong with any man. One of them is a cheque. The other is a woman. Until you know that a man’s sound on these two points, you know nothing about him.

  B. B. Ah, cynic, cynic!

  WALPOLE He’s all right as to the cheque, for a while at all events. He talked to me quite frankly before dinner as to the pressure of money difficulties on an artist. He says he has no vices and is very economical, but that theres one extravagance he cant afford and yet cant resist; and that is dressing his wife prettily. So I said, bang plump out, “Let me lend you twenty pounds, and pay me when your ship comes home.” He was really very nice about it. He took it like a man; and it was a pleasure to see how happy it made him, poor chap.

  B. B. [who has listened to WALPOLE with growing perturbation] But — but — but — when was this, may I ask?

  WALPOLE When I joined you that time down by the river.

  B. B. But, my dear Walpole, he had just borrowed ten pounds from me.

  WALPOLE What!

  SIR PATRICK (grunts]!

  B. B. (indulgently] Well, well, it was really hardly borrowing; for he said heaven only knew when he could pay me. I couldnt refuse. It appears that Mrs Dubedat has taken a sort of fancy to me —

  WALPOLE [quickly] No: it was to me.

  B. B. Certainly not. Your name was never mentioned between us. He is so wrapped up in his work that he has to leave her a good deal alone; and the poor innocent young fellow — he has of course no idea of my position or how busy I am — actually wanted me to call occasionally and talk to her.

  WALPOLE Exactly what he said to me!

  B. B. Pooh! Pooh pooh! Really, I must say.

  Much disturbed, he rises and goes up to the balustrade, contemplating the landscape vexedly.

  WALPOLE Look here, Ridgeon! this is beginning to look serious.

  BLENKINSOP, very anxious and wretched, but trying to look unconcerned, comes back.

  RIDGEON Well, did you catch him?

  BLENKINSOP No. Excuse my running away like that. [He sits down at the foot of the table, next BLOOMFIELD BONINGTON’s chair] .

  WALPOLE Anything the matter?

  BLENKINSOP Oh no. A trifle — something ridiculous. It cant be helped. Never mind.

  RIDGEON Was it anything about Dubedat?

  BLENKINSOP [almost breaking down] I ought to keep it to myself, I know. I cant tell you, Ridgeon, how ashamed I am of dragging my miserable poverty to your dinner after all your kindness. It’s not that you wont ask me again; but it’s so humiliating. And I did so look forward to one evening in my dress clothes (t h e y r e still presentable, you see) with all my troubles left behind, just like old times.

  RIDGEON But what has happened?

  BLENKINSOP Oh, nothing. It’s too ridiculous. I had just scraped up four shillings for this little outing; and it cost me one-and-fourpence to get here. Well, Dubedat asked me to lend him half-a-crown to tip the chambermaid of the room his wife left her wraps in, and for the cloakroom. He said he only wanted it for five minutes, as she had his purse. So of course I lent it to him. And he’s forgotten to pay me. Ive just tuppence to get back with.

  RIDGEON Oh, never mind that —

  BLENKINSOP [stopping him resolutely] No: I know what youre going to say; but I wont take it. Ive never borrowed a penny; and I never will. Ive nothing left but my friends; and I wont sell them. If none of you were to be able to meet me without being afraid that my civility was leading up to the loan of five shillings, there would be an end of everything for me. I’ll take your old clothes, Colly, sooner than disgrace you by talking to you in the street in my own; but I wont borrow money. I’ll train it as far as the twopence will take me; and I’ll tramp the rest.

  WALPOLE Youll do the whole distance in my motor. [They are all greatly relieved; and WALPOLE hastens to get away from the painful subject by adding] Did he get anything out of you, Mr Schutzmacher?

  SCHUTZMACHER [shakes his head in a most expressive negative].

  WALPOLE You didnt appreciate his drawing, I think.

  SCHUTZMACHER Oh yes I did. I should have liked very much to have kept the sketch and got it autographed.

  B. B. But why didnt you?

  SCHUTZMACHER Well, the fact is, when I joined Dubedat after his conversation with Mr Walpole, he said the Jews were the only people who knew anything about art, and that though he had to put up with your Philistine twaddle, as he called it, it was what I said about the drawin
gs that really pleased him. He also said that his wife was greatly struck with my knowledge, and that she always admired Jews. Then he asked me to advance him £50 on the security of the drawings.

  SCHUTZMACHER Of course I couldnt lend money to a stranger like that.

  B. B. I envy you the power to say No, Mr Schutzmacher. Of course, I knew I oughtnt to lend money to a young fellow in that way; but I simply hadnt the nerve to refuse. I couldnt very well, you know, could I?

  SCHUTZMACHER I dont understand that. I felt that I couldnt very well lend it.

  WALPOLE What did he say?

  SCHUTZMACHER Well, he made a very uncalled-for remark about a Jew not understanding the feelings of a gentleman. I must say you Gentiles are very hard to please. You say we are no gentlemen when we lend money; and when we refuse to lend it you say just the same. I didnt mean to behave badly. As I told him, I might have lent it to him if he had been a Jew himself.

  SIR PATRICK [with a grunt) And what did he say to that?

  SCHUTZMACHER Oh, he began trying to persuade me that he was one of the chosen people — that his artistic faculty shewed it, and that his name was as foreign as my own. He said he didnt really want £50; that he was only joking; that all he wanted was a couple of sovereigns.

  B. B. No, no, Mr Schutzmacher. You invented that last touch. Seriously, now?

  SCHUTZMACHER No.You cant improve on Nature in telling stories about gentlemen like Mr Dubedat.

  BLENKINSOP You certainly do stand by one another, you chosen people, Mr Schutzmacher.

  SCHUTZMACHER Not at all. Personally, I like Englishmen better than Jews, and always associate with them. Thats only natural, because, as I am a Jew, theres nothing interesting in a Jew to me, whereas there is always something interesting and foreign in an Englishman. But in money matters it’s quite different. You see, when an Englishman borrows, all he knows or cares is that he wants money; and he’ll sign anything to get it, without in the least understanding it, or intending to carry out the agreement if it turns out badly for him. In fact, he thinks you a cad if you ask him to carry it out under such circumstances. Just like the Merchant of Venice, you know. But if a Jew makes an agreement, he means to keep it and expects you to keep it. If he wants money for a time, he borrows it and knows he must pay it at the end of the time. If he knows he cant pay, he begs it as a gift.

  RIDGEON Come, Loony! do you mean to say that Jews are never rogues and thieves?

  SCHUTZMACHER Oh, not at all. But I was not talking of criminals. I was comparing honest Englishmen with honest Jews.

  One of the hotel maids, a pretty, fair-haired woman of about 25, comes from the hotel, rather furtively. She accosts RIDGEON.

  THE MAID I beg your pardon, sir —

  RIDGEON Eh?

  THE MAID I beg pardon, sir. It’s not about the hotel. I’m not allowed to be on the terrace; and I should be discharged if I were seen speaking to you, unless you were kind enough to say you called me to ask whether the motor has come back from the station yet.

  WALPOLE Has it?

  THE MAID Yes, sir.

  RIDGEON Well, what do you want?

  THE MAID Would you mind, sir, giving me the address of the gentleman that was with you at dinner?

  RIDGEON (sharply] Yes, of course I should mind very much. You have no right to ask.

  THE MAID Yes, sir, I know it looks like that. But what am I to do?

  SIR PATRICK Whats the matter with you?

  THE MAID Nothing, sir. I want the address: thats all.

  B. B. You mean the young gentleman?

  THE MAID Yes, sir: that went to catch the train with the woman he brought with him.

  RIDGEON The woman! Do you mean the l a d y who dined here? the gentleman’s wife?

  THE MAID Dont believe them, sir. She cant be his wife. I’m his wife.

  THE MAID I could run upstairs and get you my marriage lines[156] in a minute, sir, if you doubt my word. He’s Mr Louis Dubedat, isnt he?

  RIDGEON Yes.

  THE MAID Well, sir, you may believe me or not; but I’m the lawful Mrs Dubedat.

  SIR PATRICK And why arnt you living with your husband?

  THE MAID We couldnt afford it, sir. I had thirty pounds saved; and we spent it all on our honeymoon in three weeks, and a lot more that he borrowed. Then I had to go back into service, and he went to London to get work at his drawing; and he never wrote me a line or sent me an address. I never saw nor heard of him again until I caught sight of him from the window going off in the motor with that woman.

  SIR PATRICK Well, thats two wives to start with.

  B. B. Now upon my soul I dont want to be uncharitable; but really I’m beginning to suspect that our young friend is rather careless.

  SIR PATRICK Beginning to think! How long will it take you, man, to find out that he’s a damned young blackguard?

  BLENKINSOP Oh, thats severe, Sir Patrick, very severe. Of course it’s bigamy; but still he’s very young; and she’s very pretty. Mr Walpole: may I spunge on you for another of those nice cigarets of yours? [He changes his seat for the one next WALPOLE].

  WALPOLE Certainly. [He feels in his pockets]. Oh bother! Where — ? [Suddenly remembering] I say: I recollect now: I passed my cigaret case to Dubedat and he didnt return it. It was a gold one.

  THE MAID He didnt mean any harm: he never thinks about things like that, sir. I’ll get it back for you, sir, if youll tell me where to find him.

  RIDGEON What am I to do? Shall I give her the address or not?

  SIR PATRICK Give her your own address; and then we’ll see. [To the maid] Youll have to be content with that for the present, my girl. [RIDGEON gives her his card]. Whats your name?

  THE MAID Minnie Tinwell, sir.

  SIR PATRICK Well, you write him a letter to care of this gentleman ; and it will be sent on. Now be off with you.

  THE MAID Thank you, sir. I’m sure you wouldnt see me wronged. Thank you all, gentlemen; and excuse the liberty. She goes into the hotel. They watch her in silence.

  RIDGEON [when she is gone] Do you realize, you chaps, that we have promised Mrs Dubedat to save this fellow’s life?

  BLENKINSOP Whats the matter with him?

  RIDGEON Tuberculosis.

  BLENKINSOP [interested] And can you cure that?

  RIDGEON I believe so.

  BLENKINSOP Then I wish youd cure me. My right lung is touched, I’m sorry to say.

  BLENKINSOP [putting his, fingers in his ears] No, no: it’s no use. I know what youre going to say: Ive said it often to others. I cant afford to take care of myself; and theres an end of it. If a fortnight’s holiday would save my life, I’d have to die. I shall get on as others have to get on. We cant all go to St Moritz or to Egypt, you know, Sir Ralph. Dont talk about it.

  Embarrassed silence.

  SIR PATRICK [grunts and looks hard at RIDGEON]!

  SCHUTZMACHER [looking at his watch and rising] I must go. It’s been a very pleasant evening, Colly. You might let me have my portrait if you dont mind. I’ll send Mr Dubedat that couple of sovereigns for it.

  RIDGEON [giving him the menu card] Oh dont do that, Loony. I dont think he’d like that.

  SCHUTZMACHER Well, of course I shant if you feel that way about it. But I dont think you understand Dubedat. However, perhaps thats because I’m a Jew. Good-night, Dr Blenkinsop [shaking hands].

  BLENKINSOP Good-night, sir — I mean — Good-night.

  SCHUTZMACHER [waving his hand to the rest] Good-night, everybody.

  B. B. repeats the salutation several times, in varied musical tones. SCHUTZMACHER goes out.

  SIR PATRICK It’s time for us all to move. [He rises and comes between BLENKINSOP and WALPOLE. RIDGEON also rises]. Mr Walpole: take Blenkinsop home: he’s had enough of the open air cure for to-night. Have you a thick overcoat to wear in the motor, Dr Blenkinsop?

  BLENKINSOP Oh, theyll give me some brown paper in the hotel; and a few thicknesses of brown paper across the chest are better than any fur coat.

  WALPO
LE Well, come along. Good-night, Colly.Youre coming with us, arnt you, B. B.?

  B. B. Yes: I’m coming. [WALPOLE and BLENKINSOP go into the hotel]. Good-night, my dear Ridgeon [shaking hands affectionately]. Dont let us lose sight of your interesting patient and his very charming wife. We must not judge him too hastily, you know. [With unction] G o o o o o o o o d-night, Paddy. Bless you, dear old chap. [SIR PATRICK utters a formidable grunt. B. B. laughs and pats him indulgently on the shoulder]. Good-night. Good-night. Good-night. Good-night. [He good-nights himself into the hotel].

  The others have meanwhile gone without ceremony. RIDGEON and SIR PATRICK are left alone together. RIDGEON, deep in thought, comes down to SIR PATRICK.

  SIR PATRICK Well, Mr Savior of Lives: which is it to be? that honest decent man Blenkinsop, or that rotten blackguard of an artist, eh?

  RIDGEON It’s not an easy case to judge, is it? Blenkinsop’s an honest decent man; but is he any use? Dubedat’s a rotten blackguard; but he’s a genuine source of pretty and pleasant and good things.

  SIR PATRICK What will he be a source of for that poor innocent wife of his, when she finds him out?

  RIDGEON Thats true. Her life will be a hell.

  SIR PATRICK And tell me this. Suppose you had this choice put before you: either to go through life and find all the pictures bad but all the men and women good, or to go through life and find all the pictures good and all the men and women rotten. Which would you choose?

  RIDGEON Thats a devilishly difficult question, Paddy. The pictures are so agreeable, and the good people so infernally disagreeable and mischievous, that I really cant undertake to say offhand which I should prefer to do without.

  SIR PATRICK Come come! none of your cleverness with me: I’m too old for it. Blenkinsop isnt that sort of good man; and you know it.

  RIDGEON It would be simpler if Blenkinsop could paint Dubedat’s pictures.

  SIR PATRICK It would be simpler still if Dubedat had some of Blenkinsop’s honesty. The world isnt going to be made simple for you, my lad: you must take it as it is.Youve to hold the scales between Blenkinsop and Dubedat. Hold them fairly.

  RIDGEON Well, I’ll be as fair as I can . I’ll put into one scale all the pounds Dubedat has borrowed, and into the other all the half-crowns that Blenkinsop hasnt borrowed.