Pandavas

by Anil Chawla

  He heard a tired sigh from Roma. ‘Do you know what your son looks like, Sammy? When did you last hold his hand? Are you sure that when you come back home, he will recognize you as his father?’

  And she hung up.

  The phone dropped from Sammy’s hand. He sat alone in a conference room and thought about what had just happened, and what had been happening for the last few years. Normally, life was full of revenue targets, gross margins, customer additions in different bands, new customers, performance in different geographies, project delivery metrics, and on and on. They occupied all twenty-four of his hours—four to six hours of sleep, and the rest at work, irrespective of whether he was at home or away. Everything that came to him was both important and urgent—at least according to the sender. It was after a long time that he had some free time to himself.

  ***

  From the first day of joining, there were intrusions into his personal space. Initially, he had attributed these to his newness at STM. Roma and Koel had been quite accommodating in the beginning. After all, their husband/ father had joined a new company and had to work really hard to cope. Sammy’s phone rang at all times of the day and night. And he had no choice but to take those calls.

  He was continuously working on his laptop. After a few months, the calls had started irritating the family and Sammy started sleeping in a different room. With time, his travelling increased and he started being away for almost 25 days in a month. There were periods in which he did not see Koel awake for days together. Roma was still particular enough to pack his bags, ensuring everything he needed was there, getting up at odd hours to say ‘bye’ and ‘welcome back’ to him. Every now and then, he would pick up some expensive gifts for Roma and Koel, which pleased them in the initial period. Gradually, they lost interest and would often just put the gift aside and want his attention instead. Sammy reacted as the boss he was at work, and soon the conversation ended. With time, Roma withdrew. She would cuddle Koel and go to the other room with her.

  Once, after a conference, Sammy had confided his struggles with work pressure and family demands to Goky. Goky, from his limited experience, said that Varsha kept busy with the twins and hardly had time for him, and so the work pressure interfered less at home for him. The more Sammy thought about it, the more he believed that his problem was that they had only one child, and that it was time for them to plan another one. It was difficult to discuss this with Roma, given the delicate state of their relationship. However, the Christmas and New Year period, being slack days for the IT industry in general, offered a chance. As Sammy was relatively free, he was at home more often than usual. Roma and Koel soon forgot his prolonged absences. He surprised them by asking if they’d like to go on a cruise. Although Koel was rather small to opine on such a proposal, Roma was excited. She thought of the last cruise they had been on together, when her first pregnancy was noticed.

  Sammy bought tickets at exorbitant prices, and the family was on board almost around the same time of the year as the previous cruise. Sammy had gone one step further this time: he had reserved a part of the liner exclusively for them—reflecting his enhanced salary and status more than anything else. As Sammy had also arranged a caretaker for Koel, he and Roma had a lot of time to themselves. Being together after a long gap did kindle the old fire and chemistry between them. They danced together, enjoyed the revelry on the cruise, and also spent time with Koel, who looked very happy with the caretaker.

  It had been a long time since Sammy and Roma had been physically together and their intimacy matched that of earlier days. It was on the cruise that Sameer was conceived.

  All good things come to an end, and so did the cruise. Come the second week of January, life was back to what it had been—Sammy was hardly home and even when he was, his laptop was his preferred companion. On receiving news of Roma’s pregnancy, he reacted as if he was happy that Roma was pregnant rather than excited that they were going to have their second baby. Weeks and months passed and Roma rarely got Sammy’s time. She often cried out of loneliness, remembering how Sammy used to dote on her when Koel was on the way.

  Sameer’s birth was a rather quiet affair, mostly handled by friends, as Sammy was away. When Sammy had told Roma about his travel plans before the delivery date, Roma was very upset. She cried for hours and asked Sammy to cancel his trip. She told him that this time, she was more scared than when Koel was to be born. Sammy tried explaining that it was too big a contract to send somebody else, and that the CEO would be upset if he did not go himself. ‘I have almost nothing to do here,’ he reasoned. ‘It’s the doctors who will handle everything. You’ll be under the best possible medical care. Don’t you worry. In any case, I’ll be back in three or four days.’

  It so happened that on D-day, Sammy got so busy that he forgot to call Roma or the hospital. Around four in the afternoon, he suddenly remembered and immediately dialled Roma’s number, but there was no response. He tried a couple of friends who were to be in the hospital to help her, and one of them informed him that Roma had delivered a baby boy in the morning. He also learnt that they had tried his mobile number to tell him the good news but Sammy hadn’t answered their calls. Sammy was upset with himself but tried to rationalize it; he always muted his phone when he was in a business meeting. After that, over the next two days, he tried to speak to Roma several times, directly and through his friends, but could not. Eventually, she came on the line but didn’t talk for long, saying that the baby needed to be fed.

  He returned to town three days after Sameer was born. As he had been in multiple flights, he went home for a shower, and then went to the hospital. He entered Roma’s room, saw the baby in the cradle and instinctively turned to him. He smiled and waved at Roma but the response was not what he’d expected. ‘Wash your hands before you touch the baby.

  You’ve come in from outside. You’ve touched hundreds of things and may be carrying germs.’

  Sammy told her that after landing, he’d taken a shower at home before coming to the hospital. Roma shook her head. ‘You were away when your son was born. You didn’t bother to call me on my due date. And today, when you come back, you don’t come straight to the hospital, you go home first and then come at your leisure.’ She went on to add insult to injury, ‘The baby in that cradle is your son.’

  Sammy slumped in a chair, holding his head. After a few minutes he went to her and said, ‘I’m really sorry, Roma. Please forgive me.’ He took her hand in his and looked at her pleadingly, asking, ‘Can I hold my son?’

  Roma started to sob and Sammy held her close to him, stroking her head affectionately. After a few minutes, when Roma was calm, he looked at her again, enquiringly, and she smiled, as if giving permission. He went to the cradle and lifted the baby up gently. What an experience it was. He was hoping that she had forgiven him.

  ***

  Sammy’s thoughts were interrupted by a peon who knocked at the door and asked if he needed anything. Sammy said nothing. His mind was totally blank.

  He knew that what had happened was not totally forced on him; he was party to those decisions, even if inadvertently. He was not so naïve as to miss that he had, in fact, ignored his family all those years. While work pressure was really huge, demands at work were much easier to handle than those coming from his family, who did not see him as the boss.

  Suddenly, RG entered the room. Sammy was startled. He hurriedly collected himself and greeted RG. RG announced that he expected the board to clear Sammy’s appointment as COO in the next meeting. Seeing no reaction from Sammy, he was quick to guess that something was amiss. He sat down and asked Sammy if he was happy with the proposal. Sammy admitted that he wasn’t sure; he had been ignoring his family for quite some time and things were not looking great on the personal front. RG comforted him, saying that after he assumed the new role, he could easily relocate to Mumbai. As his parents and in-laws were there, the enhanced family support would ease the pressure on him. Sammy liked the idea and felt greatly r
elieved when RG said that he could plan to move back to India in two or three months’ time.

  An hour later, Sammy was on his way to the airport. When he reached home, Roma was at the gate, welcoming him as usual, but there was a lack of warmth in her greeting. He took a little time to settle down, and broached the subject during dinner. When he told Roma that they could move back to India, she showed interest. She had been finding it increasingly difficult to manage the two kids, and felt that her parents and in-laws would be a huge help.

  Three months later, they were back in Mumbai. STM had provided Sammy a beautiful flat in Malabar Hill. While the additional support did provide succour to their lives, Sammy drifted even further away from the family itself. Thinking that Roma now had the support of not only his parents, but also her own, he got busier than ever before. His schedule left him perpetually tired. Even when he was home, he hardly had the energy to play with Koel and Sameer, let alone spend quality time with Roma.

  They lived like strangers under the same roof.

  In 2008, the industry faced a recession, and STM was not immune. In a review before the quarter-end, all targets seemed to be in jeopardy. As usual, RG put immense pressure on all the units to push for numbers. Unable to take this any more, one of the unit heads, Mark, resigned.

  Sammy knew there was no way the targets could not be met. STM stock was trading at all-time highs. As the management team, including Sammy, had considerable holdings, the pressure for window-dressing was that much higher. While most companies declared ordinary results, STM numbers still looked decent—which raised eyebrows. Around this time, Mark turned whistle-blower and raised issues about STM’s governance practices. As the company was listed on Nasdaq, the reaction in the US was severe. An investigation was ordered by the authorities. This lead to a sharp fall in stock price on Nasdaq, which triggered a crash in India the next day. Within a couple of days, the stock value tumbled to a small fraction of what it had been only a few days before, leading to the erosion of thousands of crores of investor wealth.

  As the investigation proceeded, irregularities started coming to the surface. Soon the world knew that not everything was right with STM.

  Reality Check

  Kalpu was stunned into speechlessness at Steve’s revelation. After a few minutes, she sputtered, ‘But... the tickets are all booked! Neel has to start school soon, and you promised to take care of him while I’m at work. How can you spring this on me out of the blue?’

  Steve was silent for a long time. When he spoke, it was to say that his decision to stay at ISKCON for a while was final, and his ticket would just have to be cancelled.

  Kalpu was devastated. The events of the last few weeks— meeting Steve again on Father Joseph’s advice, visiting India together, enjoying their trip as a family—had made her feel like life was getting back on track. But now Steve’s decision had derailed everything. The possibility of a reconciliation between them seemed more remote than ever before. Steve’s distant attitude over the last few months, combined with the beliefs propagated by ISKCON, had put him in his present ‘no return’ mode.

  As Kalpu’s mind reeled from the jolt, she realized the difficulties of explaining all this to her family. She tried to regain her composure, and asked him, ‘Can you keep this news to yourself for now? We’ll go to the airport as planned. You can get down somewhere on the way, I’ll fly to Chicago with Neel. I’ll cancel your ticket. You can come later, when you make up your mind. But please, once we leave, don’t meet my folks or friends under any circumstances.’

  Steve understood what an awkward position he’d put Kalpu in, and agreed to her request immediately.

  Putting this plan into action proved to be more complex than anticipated. Kalpu’s family insisted on coming to the airport to see them off. Both Kalpu and Steve tried to convince them that they could manage on their own but of course, the family didn’t listen. Finally, a total of three cars set out for the airport. Kalpu managed to get in the same car as Steve. She proposed a new plan: Steve would go into the airport as normal, and after some time, leave without checking in. Steve was reluctant but Kalpu impressed upon him the importance of keeping things to themselves for the time being.

  After they got into the airport building, Kalpu explained to Neel that Daddy would return to the US later as he had some work left to do in India. Neel looked totally confused and clung to Steve. It was after a lot of persuasion that he let his daddy go.

  An hour later, Kalpu and Neel were on the plane, and Steve was on his way to ISKCON. Kalpu felt physically and mentally exhausted. She was a strong person who’d breezed through life’s ups and downs with her resilience, but the last few months had drained her. And Steve’s decision to stay back seemed to have broken something—she felt fragile.

  When the stewardess offered drinks, Kalpu chose a glass of red wine. Neel busied himself with a colouring book and some snacks. Kalpu thought about her life and the twists and turns it had taken of late. Having finished her first drink rather fast, she asked for another. She tried to relax and to come to terms with the new reality. After a couple of more drinks, she drifted off.

  On her first day back at work, she got a call from Arnav very early in the morning. His tone was urgent as he asked her what was going on. He’d seen Steve near ISKCON a few hours ago. Baffled, he’d got out of his car and tried to talk to Steve, but Steve was in no mood to listen. He’d declared that he was done with the relationship and walked away. Arnav had been waiting for daybreak to call Kalpu. She felt stricken but had no choice but to tell her brother everything.

  At the same time, she was furious with Steve for not being able to keep their secret for even two days. Her rational mind reasoned that Steve was an American and could hardly be expected to deal with India’s convoluted familial and social norms. But the angry part of her was inclined to attribute all her troubles to Steve. The more she thought things over, the more she was convinced that their relationship had no future. She was not financially dependent on Steve; she ran the house. Emotionally, the relationship had too many ragged ends which did not appear easy to mend. For the first time since moving to the US, she felt she didn’t like the American way of life all that much.

  Her mental turmoil continued into the weekend, when she went to church and met Father Joseph again. He was perplexed to see her alone. When she told him what had happened, he was taken aback. Seeing how Steve had prioritized ISKCON over his wife and child, Father Joseph wasn’t hopeful, and minced no words. That came as the final blow to Kalpu, who decided to put an end to the ongoing trauma, once and for all.

  She went home and sat down with Neel. He was so very young, but she steeled herself to speak to him. She knew Neel had enjoyed his stay in India, and yet she was pleasantly surprised to hear him tell her how much. He remembered everyone fondly. He definitely wanted Mommy and Daddy to stay together, he told her, but if it came to a choice between the two, he wanted to stay with Mommy. That day, late in the evening, she called the number Steve had given her, but it wasn’t in service. With Arnav’s help, she managed to find out that Steve was in Rishikesh. She left a message with the reception desk of ISKCON’s Rishikesh office asking him to call back. It was past midnight when Steve rang.

  ‘Look, Steve,’ Kalpu told him firmly, ‘we’re going nowhere in this relationship. Going to India was my last attempt to salvage whatever was left of it. It’s failed because you did not tell me anything until the last minute. And you couldn’t even keep your promise.’ Steve tried to explain that it was only by chance that Arnav had passed by, seen him and cornered him, after which he could not hide anything. Kalpu was in no mood to listen or relent and made it clear that he had to take a call on what he wanted in life—their relationship, or ISKCON. After a brief pause, Steve said that he had found a lot of peace in ISKCON and wanted to continue on that path. He went on to add that he was ready for whichever way she wanted their separation to be finalized. He could come to the US to complete the divorce formalities once h
e had enough money of his own.

  After the call, Kalpu found herself much more at peace. She decided to speak to her lawyer at the first opportunity, and did so the very next day. After a couple of days of deliberation, the lawyer outlined the steps they needed to take next, including when Steve needed to come to the US to complete the formalities.

  The next six months were emotionally painful but also brought relief, because a sad chapter in Kalpu’s life was coming to an end. When the time came, she told Steve she’d booked an open ticket for him. He had to confirm it and reach Chicago on a particular day. Steve complied, and soon they were legally separated. Steve promptly returned to India. While in the US, he had been totally detached and calm, and looked at both Kalpu and Neel as if he did not know who they were.

  It was a few months later, when Kalpu was on the road to recovery, that she took Neel to a social gathering of Indian expat families. Neel pointed to someone in the crowd and said, ‘Mommy, see, that lady looks just like you!’

  Kalpu was startled; the woman Neel was pointing at really did look very much like her, but younger by a decade. She tried hard to recall if she’d seen this person before but nothing came to mind. She couldn’t contain her curiosity and walked up to the woman and introduced herself. The young woman first told Kalpu her name, Meenakshi, and then introduced her husband. She was a post-doctoral research fellow and he was a surgeon. He piped in, ‘We saw you at another get-together just like this one. I think it was about two years ago? I thought you looked just like Meena’s older sister!’

  Meenakshi asked Kalpu about her educational background. Kalpu thought it a bit abrupt of her to ask for such details right away. Before she could say anything, however, Meenakshi said, ‘Did you study at LEC Surat?’