Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure)
Page 33
“I’m glad to hear it, but I never suspected otherwise,” she lied. Zack caught the insecurity from her and raised his brows, knowing she didn’t believe him but nevertheless didn’t bring her lie to light.
Amanda was determined to get the conversation back on track. “Zack, it took David and me a full year of really trying before we conceived, and as I said, we didn’t use any protection at all, even prior to that point. So I doubt we have anything to worry about, not that it couldn’t happen. I know that it can, and I’m not in denial or anything like that. It’s just that I would be very surprised if I got pregnant right out of the gate with no planning.”
“If you are very worried about a pregnancy we could use the morning after pill,” he calmly stated.
“But doesn’t that cause a type of miscarriage?” she asked in horror.
“It takes care of any pregnancy before it’s acknowledged or known, or keeps a woman from becoming pregnant at all.” Again, his doctor’s voice was very even and steady, giving away nothing of his feelings on the matter. “It causes cramping and bleeding.”
The look she gave him was one of strong distaste. “No, I couldn’t do that. Even if I didn’t know I was pregnant yet, even the possibility of deliberately ridding myself of a child sickens me. It sounds like a proactive form of abortion and I don’t believe in abortion,” she stated firmly.
Breathing out a sigh of relief he said, “Good, neither do I. I just want to make sure you understand your options. I would never deny you that. So, are we agreed then, that we’ll deal with whatever comes our way? If we’re pregnant then we’re having the child?”
Amanda smiled sadly thinking of Hannah. “Yes, if we’re pregnant we’re having the child. But again, I really doubt I am.”
Zack reached out to take her hand feeling how distressed she was and immediately sent her calming impulses without thinking. “Zack!” Amanda snatched her hand away from him “You forget yourself,” she admonished him.
“Sorry, sorry!” he shook his head again. He’d really have to be careful, he reminded himself yet again.
“Not all negative emotions are bad ones, Zack. You don’t need to fix them all, sometimes they’re necessary.”
She took a deep breath knowing she was going to hurt him and tried to keep her voice gentle as she told him, “You have to stop trying to control me, Zack. This…whatever it is we have between us, will not work if you keep attempting to manage me. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She gave him a look that meant business and he backed off.
“I can’t have the man in my life controlling everything I do, or feel. I’m much too independent for that. You will drive us apart with it, if it continues. I have to be my own person. And, I know you’re not doing it just to be that way. I know you only want to help, but you need to learn to restrain yourself unless I ask you. Can you do that?” she asked him earnestly.
Zack felt like she kicked him in the stomach but acknowledged the truth of her words. He would drive her away if he didn’t stop intruding. She was correct that he only meant to help but he understood that she needed her own space too, emotionally as well as physically. His protective instincts would prove disastrous for them if he didn’t get a handle on them.
“I’m sorry, Amanda. You’re right and, honestly, I am trying. I did tell you that you would have to be patient with me and you’ll have to remind me from time to time. It’s the best I can do. Deal?” he asked her.
“Deal,” she replied and literally appeared to shake it off. “Next problem?” she asked smilingly.
“What’s the next problem, dear heart?” he asked, returning her smile. He’d been forgiven, apparently.
“Actually, it’s on the first topic, birth control pills. More specifically, would you be able to call in a prescription for me? Or do you want me to take off of work to see my OB/GYN? I’ll understand if that’s the case, but I was only just there two months ago and don’t want to have to go back so soon.”
He asked her to run through her medical history and he outlined some alternatives for her and they decided together what would work best. When he asked her when the first day of her last period was he nearly choked as she informed him. They’d just made love during her most fertile time of the month. She seemed to realize it too, following just a second or two behind his thoughts. He saw her pale as the blood seeped from her face.
He wrapped his arms around her. “We’ll deal with whatever comes our way, together. But let’s worry about it if and when it happens.”
She nodded her agreement and said, “Next item on the agenda?”
He gave her a look of pretend terror, clutched at his chest and, dramatically stage-whispered, “There’s more?” drawing a snort of laughter from her. She hiked up the light cotton peasant skirt she wore and pointed to her leg.
“Son of a bitch!” All joking was quickly cast aside when Zack pushed her down into a chair at the table and picked up her leg to look at it. This time he paled as he saw the infection he’d noted yesterday had continued to spread both up and down her leg, angry red lines now extended from the site.
“I can’t believe I forgot to pick up your prescription. I called it in and forgot to fucking get it!” He was literally yelling as he made the last statement. Amanda noted, again, that Zack tended to yell when he was worried and reminded herself to remember that fact and not take it personally in the future.
As he prodded around the area she bit back a squeal of pain and tried to pull away, but he held her ankle firmly as he pressed around the wound.
“Hold still,” he ordered her. “I know it hurts like crazy but I’ve got to see if I can drain any of it.” He ordered her to stay put while he ran to get his medical supplies once more.
Returning, he made a hot compress to place on her leg and draw out the infection and elevated her leg on a second chair at the kitchen table. He knelt next to her on the ceramic tile floor. “I cannot believe you waited all morning to remind me about this! It has to hurt like hell. Why didn’t you say something?” he scolded her. And, why hadn’t he felt it? Had he been that distracted by his worry over their conversation or was she learning to mask her pain from him?
She waved her hand as if to erase his concern. “It’s nothing an antibiotic won’t fix,” she stated calmly.
“Mandy, you could have wound up septic. If this had reached your bloodstream you would have been in big trouble. And damn it! It’s my fault. I should have followed through on my end and made sure you were taken care of!” That’s twice in twenty-four hours, he reminded himself. He’d also failed to protect her during sex, he groaned. He needed to get his head screwed on straight.
Amanda grasped his chin. “Look at me, Zack.” She waited until he raised his pain filled eyes to hers. “This isn’t your fault. I let it go. I forgot about it. I didn’t insist we get the prescription. Remember what I said about you managing me?” she asked. “This isn’t your fault. You can’t take everything on yourself,” she told him firmly. “I’m the one who screwed up. Got it?” he nodded but she could tell he was only placating her and she sighed. If the man wanted to be a martyr so be it.
A short while later Amanda was drying the tears on her face that Zack had caused by pressing the fluid and pus from her wound. She’d declined his offer to deaden the pain as he did it, trying not to encourage the constant use of his talent to help her. He’d told her she was a Goddamned fool, and a masochist, for not letting him. But, he had acceded to her wishes nevertheless, cringing in sympathy every time she winced. He washed her down again with an antibiotic solvent and ushered her directly to his truck to pick up her prescription to begin killing it off.
She laughed as he threatened to kill her himself if she didn’t finish the whole damned thing and listened to him grumble nonstop for several minutes about how she was going to build up a resistance to antibiotics if she kept this up, taking two of them within two months. Then what the hell would he do? He asked her, not expecting or letting her answer.
During the drive over she’d been surprised when he’d continued his conversation about bed-partners. But he really did want her to understand that he wasn’t particularly adventurous and didn’t sleep around, preferring long-term relationships. He hadn’t had a serious dating relationship with anyone for the past six month. The last woman he had been with was an attorney, Rachel Maddox, who worked in the family courts. The relationship had ended equitably enough. They simply didn’t have too much in common. He told her that they still spoke from time to time but that Rachel was seeing someone else and he thought she was pretty serious about the guy.
Unlocking her front door she stood in the foyer staring around her for a few moments. She hadn’t been home in a month and it felt so bizarre to be back. She felt like a stranger in her own home and it disturbed her more than she wanted to admit. The air was slightly stale and warm from being kept closed up but Amanda knew that Diane or Eric had been in to check the place out.
Zack went to the kitchen to get her some water to take her prescription and she began to limp up the stairs to her room. She needed to get the information that Diane wanted to begin the process of finding her parents. Zack had offered but he’d never figure out everything she wanted to gather together.
By the time she made it to the top of the stairs her leg was a fiery mass of pain. Maybe she should take Zack up on his offer to deaden it? She sure didn’t want to take any Vicodin, and acetaminophen probably wouldn’t cut it at this late stage. Then she shook it off, she couldn’t ask him for help for every little thing, especially after the brow-beating she’d given him that morning.
She hesitated in the doorway of her bedroom, waiting for the familiar ache that had always hit her as she entered it. The ache she had experienced each and every day for a year and half. Again, she felt that strange out-of-body sensation that there was something wrong with her when that pain didn’t occur at the same magnitude.
Was Zack sure she wasn’t…?
She started guiltily as she heard Zack whisper in her ear, “You are not broken, you are healing. That’s why you don’t feel it the same anymore, babe. There’s nothing wrong with you, really. You need to believe that.”
She turned and wrapped her arms around him. “Are you sure you’re not the telepathic one?” She tried to smile at him but it came off as more of a grimace instead.
“No, I’m no telepath. But, of course, I can tell how you’re feeling and I can read your facial expressions pretty well, too. You looked just like you did yesterday when we had this same conversation. You looked lost,” he told her quietly, hugging her to him. He wished that she could understand the change for what it was, moving forward, instead of berating herself and trying to hang onto it in an ongoing effort to punish herself.
“Here,” he handed her the antibiotic and a glass of water. “Down the hatch.” She did as instructed, making a face at the taste of it on her tongue.
“Yuck,” she pronounced, and he lightly flicked her on the tip of her nose.
“Regardless, love. You’ll finish it,” he sternly informed her.
“Now…what are you looking for?” he asked her. She directed him to a small bookshelf in the corner of her room.
“There’s a binder with the contact information Di will need over there. You might have to search through a few of them. I can’t remember if it’s green or blue. If you’ll look for that, I’ll find the forms she’ll need to fill out to request that the adoption files be opened. I think I have those in the guest room next to this one. I’ll have to hunt through some paperwork, can you give me a few minutes?” she asked.
He nodded and headed over to hunt through the numerous binders on her shelf. Wondering what the hell they were all for. He found the requested binder pretty quickly but couldn’t help himself as his curiosity grew. He wanted to know what the rest were for, so seating himself on the floor, he decided to snoop.
A few minutes later he’d found that she kept personal copies of every design and renovation she’d ever worked on or dreamt up. Her attention to detail, creativity, and knowledge of historical era astounded him. He knew she was good, but her personal portfolios blew his mind. His own skills paled in comparison to Mandy’s artistic talent.
He also found business plans she’d drawn up. Correction. That she and David had drawn up. Apparently, they’d known old Mr. Reynolds was going to be retiring and selling the company. They had planned to purchase and run it themselves. They’d gotten credit approvals from the bank and had drawn up a tentative agreement with the former owner to take it over upon his retirement. He’d known that David had been an architect, too, but had forgotten that David had been employed at the same firm. Holy hell! Would he ever find an area of Amanda’s life that David hadn’t been involved with? Would he ever not be runner-up?
He jumped as Amanda startled him this time and guiltily dropped the business plans he’d nebbed through. He picked it up and handed it to her, apologizing, but she wasn’t angry with him.
“So, now you know.” He looked at her in confusion. “You know why Reynolds was so quick to accept your offer,” she clarified.
“It was supposed to be us who bought it from him. But after—” Her voice choked off and she cleared her throat. “After, I couldn’t see myself doing it without David. It had lost its purpose, you see? It was to be our future, and we didn’t have one anymore. I was still recuperating from the accident and didn’t have the physical or emotional stamina to take it on. I didn’t have the motivation either.”
Standing behind him she ran her fingers absently through his hair as she spoke and he could tell she was reminiscing of good days and bad combined, as bittersweet feelings washed through her. Capturing her fingers he brought them to his mouth and kissed her palm, then turned her hand over and brushed his cheek along the soft skin of her knuckles.
He, for one, was glad she hadn’t taken it over. If she had, he would not have had this opportunity with her. Was that even right to think, he wondered? In the great cosmic scheme of things, had she taken it over, she would have done so with her husband. Could he, should he, ever be glad of the circumstances that had brought Amanda to his bed? That felt, and sounded, wrong on so many levels he had to drag himself out of the muck his thoughts created, he felt ugly inside for even thinking it.
“This was David’s idea, to buy out Reynolds?” he tried to ask casually. Zack had to know, again it was a competitive thing and he unwillingly acknowledged his continued ugliness. He was taken by surprise when Amanda laughed.
“Oh Lord, no! David was happiest designing. He didn’t really have a head for business, didn’t really want to. He did it for me. I was the one who wanted to run the show. He was content to be the Wizard, the man behind the curtain, staying behind the scenes.”
Sitting down in the rocking chair she absentmindedly rubbed her sore leg and reminded Zack that while she’d had no interest in taking over her mother’s investment counseling firm, she did have two degrees in business and a natural knack for numbers and was a good businesswoman—she’d learned from the best. She talked about the plans she’d had to expand and the direction she’d wanted to take the company in. Then she dragged herself back into the present and smiled ruefully. “Sorry, I must be boring you to death. Let’s get going.”
Far from being bored, Zack was amazed at the detail of Amanda’s vision for the company. He could definitely use her as a partner, was his first thought. Her unique approach was very forward-thinking. She could head a development team. He began to make plans of his own with her as an equal share partner. He’d be willing to let her buy in, a little at a time, until she could afford her equal share of the company. He knew she’d never agree to him doing anything else. She’d definitely want to be an equal pa
rtner.
“Amanda…” he began haltingly as he tried to think of a diplomatic way to ask her if she’d be willing, or rather, able to buy in to his company. He knew she’d had financing approved before but had no idea of her current financial status. Now, she was living on a single income and she must have had an astronomical amount of medical bills. She’d also loaned an undisclosed amount of money to Abrams for his daughter’s heart surgery. She watched him quizzically as he floundered through his thoughts.
“I really like your ideas and would be willing to take on a…uh…partner in the company.” He stuttered to a standstill again, not sure how to phrase his next question without hurting her feelings or causing her to become defensive or feel patronized. “I mean, you could buy in over a period of time to build the equity until you become a full partner, depending upon the funds at your disposal. If you’re still interested that is.”
He found himself flushing in embarrassment for her as he tried to be gentle in his approach. Hell, he’d give her the shares in the company if it would keep her with him but he knew she’d never accept anything less than being his equal in every way. When they married everything he owned would also be hers, so technically… He reminded himself that they were a long way from even discussing marriage—or at least Amanda was. He’d marry her today, if she’d only agree.
Amanda’s mouth pursed, and then twisted comically as she bit her tongue. She valiantly tried to keep herself from laughing at Zack’s awkward approach to gallantly offering her a way to buy into his firm. She covered her mouth and coughed to cover a giggle. What a giant teddy bear the man was! Little did he realize she could easily buy him out, ten times over, and still have plenty in the bank.
Zack observed both her expressions and emotional demeanor carefully and was pretty sure he’d seen a patronizing smile quickly wiped from her countenance as she smothered a laugh. He looked at her in confusion as he felt hilarity beneath the surface of her emotions.