Robert Asprin's Myth-Quoted
Page 28
“Really?” I asked, ticking off another mark in the Wisdom-Friendship column. “You voted for Wilmer? May I ask why?”
“He’s so dignified. I think he’ll make a great governor.”
That was the opinion of the great majority of the voters leaving the polls. I stopped a male whom I knew had been one of Aahz’s volunteers.
“What about you, sir?”
“I want Emo Weavil as lieutenant governor. He’s great. A really decent guy.”
“What about Aahz?”
The male shrugged. “Well, he’s fun, but boy, he got nasty, didn’t he? I kinda prefer someone who’s gonna treat his opponents with respect. And that Wilmer guy, he knows stuff.”
The next woman in line agreed with him. “They have it all! Wisdom and charisma!”
So did the teenager coming out humming one of Sid the She’s haunting melodies.
“Mr. Aahz is a smart guy, but compared with Emo, he seems . . . well, crude. I don’t want to use the P word.”
“You mean Pervect?” I asked, my face innocent.
“Uh, yeah,” the youth said, hurrying away.
It was the same throughout the entire afternoon. When the polls closed, my informal inquiry showed that the combined Emo-Wilmer party had gained about seventy percent of the votes, compared with ten percent undecided and twenty percent for Aahz. I was shocked.
“Funny how no one remembers how Wilmer and Emo treated each other before Aahz arrived, isn’t it?” Bunny asked.
“I know,” I said. “I guess it’s true that people remember the last thing they heard.”
Rumors of the outcome spread long before the Gnomes from Zoorik retired with the ballots to make the final count. The square filled with Tipps whispering to one another. When the candidates arrived, the crowd broke into applause and cheers. Aahz climbed the stairs into the gazebo and waved to the wedge of yellow-wearing Tipps, but they were far fewer in number than they had been the day before. Shomi tried whipping them into louder cheers, but they were vastly outnumbered by the Tipps wearing ribbons of purple and green twisted together. Wilmer and Emo took the stage together to deafening acclaim.
I felt a poke in the ribs. Bunny and I looked down to see a pair of large-nosed fellows with blue skin and ruffled ears who stood no higher than my waist, Hass and Gotz, the accountants. Gotz held a tightly rolled scroll.
“Ve haf it,” Hass said, peering at me over green-rimmed glasses. “Do you vish to see the numbers?”
“Bring it up to the stage,” she said. “I don’t want any accusations of tampering.”
“Hah!” Gotz said. “Our papers iss tamperproof.”
Every eye was on us as Bunny broke the seal on the parchment and unrolled it.
“In the race for governor of the island of Bokromi in the dimension of Tipicanoo, the Wisdom-Friendship Party, eighty-seven percent; the A Plague on Both Your Houses Party, thirteen percent. These results are certified by the firm of Hass and Gotz of Zoorik.” Bunny waved a hand toward the Gnomes. “That’s it. Wilmer and Emo are the winners!”
Orlow thrust his hand out, and Emo took it, grinning widely enough to swallow his ears. Carnelia hugged Wilmer, who patted her on the shoulder. Behind them, the two wives hugged one another. Confetti fell from the skies, and the Pixies on the roof lit off a deafening firework display.
Cheers echoed from one side of the town square to the other. The Tipps, now governor-elect and lieutenant governor–elect, were mobbed by reporters from all fifteen papers. The crowd rushed past us.
At the side of the gazebo, Aahz was standing alone. I touched Bunny’s arm to show her where I was going, and went over to him. He glared at me.
“Gee, I’m sorry, Aahz,” I said.
“I don’t need your pity!” he snarled.
I didn’t back away.
“I’m not pitying you,” I said. “You taught me you don’t get everything you go for. No one went broke. No one got killed. If you really wanted it, I’m just sorry you didn’t get it.”
“I’ll live, kid,” Aahz growled.
Shomitamoni came over and slapped Aahz on the back. She stuck out her tiny hand.
“Aahz, it’s been a stitch. Call me again if you are ever serious about running for office.”
“Thanks, Shomi,” he said, shaking it. “Send me your bill.”
“Don’t worry, I will.” She turned to me, took both my hands in hers, and bowed deeply. “And you, Skeeve the Magnificent, don’t ever go into politics. It’s not your scene. Now, that Miss Bunny, she would be a great candidate. She has a knack for running things.”
“Uh, thanks,” I said. With a wink, Shomi folded her hands into her voluminous sleeves and vanished. I turned to Aahz. He looked a little sheepish. I became suspicious.
“Didn’t you want to be governor?” I asked him.
Aahz gave a casual shrug. “Nah. Public service isn’t for me. I prefer the private sector. The salaries are higher and the perks are a lot better. I did it for the team. You were stuck. I was just there to help. It didn’t cost me anything, and I had fun. People making a fuss of me. Parties every night. Pretty girls. Endless booze.” At last, a twinkle appeared in his eye. “Who doesn’t like a little attention?”
I had to gather my wits.
“You mean, you entered so you could lose deliberately?”
“If they’d voted for me, I would have served,” he said, “but I stacked the deck pretty heavily so I’d lose.”
“I’ll say,” I said, thinking back on his intense campaign. “You made fools of the other candidates, you bent the rules, you bribed officials and were openly corrupt in public.”
Aahz waved a hand. “I had to force Emo and Wilmer to work together. Otherwise, they were splitting the vote. I would have gotten in by default.”
I studied him in disbelief. “You did all that on purpose? Why?”
“What the heck,” he said, slapping me on the back. “We’re a team, aren’t we? You needed my help.”
My gratitude was heartfelt, and so was my relief.
“Thanks, Aahz,” I said.
“No problem, kid. Come on.” He let out a theatrical sigh. “I suppose I have to let the winners think they pulled one over on me.”
Aahz made his concession speech in record time, for him—about half an hour. The candidates accepted his concession gracefully, and the election was certified and entered in the island’s archives.
My delight at having Aahz not elected was only a fraction of the joy shared by the candidates who were. Then Bunny and I went over to congratulate them. We shook hands, and their wives kissed us. Orlow and Carnelia couldn’t stop grinning.
“Are you satisfied?” I asked Emo. “I mean, you hired us to get you elected.”
“No,” Emo said, looking happy. “I asked you to run a fair election. I did mean it. I believe that this was the fairest of them all, to coin a phrase.”
“I can’t believe that it’s over,” Bolla said, hanging on his arm. “And I am so glad! I can get rid of all those dowdy dresses!”
“Well, send us your bill,” Wilmer said. “We’ll pay it, and gladly. We both signed contracts with Tolomi, and we’re getting a piece of the publishing contract, so we’re looking at a little extra income. Not a bad day’s work, I’d say!”
“How about you two?” I asked Orlow. “Will you keep managing campaigns in Bokromi?”
“I doubt it,” Carnelia said, with a fond smile at her opposite number. “We’re not thinking too far ahead just now. We’ve got a little announcement of our own.”
Orlow cleared his throat. I noticed that he had a firm grip on Carnelia’s hand.
“I asked the lady to marry me, and she accepted,” he said. “We’re going to work together from now on. After we come back from our honeymoon, we’re going to get into a simpler line of work, like managing professional sports teams.”
“No more politics, ever again,” Bunny promised us, as we gathered in our small office to go back to Deva.
“You don’t have to
prove yourself to us that badly,” Aahz said. “We already acknowledged you as president of M.Y.T.H., Inc.”
“Yeah,” Guido agreed. “You’re the boss, boss.” Nunzio nodded.
“Gleep!” said my dragon.
“Maybe you just needed to prove it to yourself,” I said.
Bunny gave us all a quizzical look. “Maybe that’s what I was doing. Thanks.”
“No problem,” Aahz said. “By the way, here.” He handed Bunny a huge stack of small slips of paper. “My expenses for this job. Put it on their bill.”
Bunny thumbed through the papers. “Marching band, transportation for the parade from Satchmo, even the bill for the townhouse. You want us to make them pay for your house? How can we do that?”
Aahz waved a hand. “They’ve got plenty of money in their war chests. They can handle it. Without me, neither one of them would have been elected for maybe another five years.”
“I think he’s right, Bunny,” I said, whipping up my spell. “Believe me, for not having Aahz as their governor, it’s a small price to pay. And you can quote me on that.”
* * *
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ROBERT LYNN ASPRIN
Robert (Lynn) Asprin, born in 1946, is best known for the Myth Adventures and Phule series. He also edited the groundbreaking Thieves’ World anthologies with Lynn Abbey. He died at his home in New Orleans in May 2008.
JODY LYNN NYE
Jody Lynn Nye lists her main career activity as “spoiling cats.” She has published forty-two books, including Advanced Mythology, fourth in her Mythology fantasy series (no relation); six science fiction novels; and four novels in collaboration with Anne McCaffrey, including The Ship Who Won. She has also edited a humorous anthology about mothers, Don’t Forget Your Spacesuit, Dear, and published more than a hundred and ten short stories. Her latest books are Dragons Deal, third in the series begun by Robert Asprin, and View from the Imperium, first in the Thomas Kinago series. She lives northwest of Chicago with her husband, author and packager Bill Fawcett, and their cat, Jeremy. Visit her on the Web at www.sff.net/people/jodynye.
The MYTH Series
by Robert Asprin
ANOTHER FINE MYTH
MYTH CONCEPTIONS
MYTH DIRECTIONS
HIT OR MYTH
MYTH-ING PERSONS
LITTLE MYTH MARKER
M.Y.T.H. INC. LINK
MYTH-NOMERS AND IM-PERVECTIONS
M.Y.T.H. INC. IN ACTION
SWEET MYTH-TERY OF LIFE
MYTH-ION IMPROBABLE
SOMETHING M.Y.T.H. INC.
by Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye
MYTH ALLIANCES
MYTH-TAKEN IDENTITY
MYTH-TOLD TALES
CLASS DIS-MYTHED
MYTH-GOTTEN GAINS
MYTH-CHIEF
MYTH-FORTUNES
by Jody Lynn Nye
ROBERT ASPRIN’S MYTH-QUOTED
The DRAGONS WILD Series
by Robert Asprin
DRAGONS WILD
DRAGONS LUCK
by Robert Asprin and Jody Lynn Nye
DRAGONS DEAL
ALSO BY ROBERT ASPRIN
The PHULE’S COMPANY Series
PHULE’S COMPANY
PHULE’S PARADISE
with Peter J. Heck
A PHULE AND HIS MONEY
PHULE ME TWICE
NO PHULE LIKE AN OLD PHULE
PHULE’S ERRAND
1. For details on this bloodless coup, see the fine volume Myth-Chief, available from your better booksellers.
2. For details of this epic struggle, read Myth-Chief, a gripping volume available from your local purveyor of literature.
3. Regarding Rupert, see Myth-Directions, no doubt downloadable on your own Perfectly Darling Assistant.
Table of Contents
COVER
PRAISE FOR ROBERT ASPRIN’S MYTH SERIES
ALSO BY ROBERT ASPRIN AND JODY LYNN NYE
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
ABOUT THE AUTHORS