Shadow of Love: Love Changes Everything! Book 5 (The Shadow Series)

by Barbara Goss

  “I don’t know,” Gavin said. “I suppose she did, she always seemed to enjoy it.”

  Billy nodded. “You do know a man can get self-gratification without a partner, don’t you?”

  “Of course. It’s called a single man’s survival kit,” he said. “But it isn’t the same.”

  “You’re right. It isn’t, because God made the act for mutual gratification. He made it wonderful so that married couples would practice it often to: one, keep them close and in love, and two, to procreate. God wanted to populate the earth. If it didn’t give pleasure, it wouldn’t serve His purpose.

  “This…um…survival kit, as you called it, can’t be a substitute for that, and God didn’t intend for it to be, but if the kit keeps you from hurting someone, by all means, use it.

  “What I want to discuss with you is that intimacy was made for two people. It’s not a one-person sport. If both aren’t eager participants, it isn’t good, and it isn’t gratifying for either.

  “You said you almost raped someone, but you didn’t. If you had, you would have had the same empty feeling one gets from a survival kit. What makes the intimate act so enjoyable is the mutual response. If that’s missing, then you have nothing.

  “When a woman says no, you stop. It matters little how worked up you are, or how frustrated. If it’s not mutual, it’s not enjoyable or allowable. Period.”

  Gavin looked to be thinking hard about Billy's words, and Billy was pleased with the advice he’d received from God and from Anna. He thought the parallels strange.

  It just had to work.

  “What about my reaction whenever I even touch a woman who’s attractive?”

  “It’s a bit over the top for most men, but not at all unusual for a man who hasn’t been with a woman in a long time. You must learn to deal with it, move away from the woman, and keep your distance until you’re married. Whenever I’ve been tempted by something, I stop, pray silently, and start thinking about something else. It’s always worked for me. Satan hates when we do that because he can’t get us to do what he wants if we’re praying.

  “You’re a teacher, and a very educated man. Surely you have some self-control—use it. You can do it.”

  “I loved Violet so much, I just had to marry her, but she refused me, and I felt so frustrated. I was so desperate, I concocted the idea to use the attempted rape to get her to agree to marry me, but I see now how dumb that was. Even if she had agreed to marry me in order to stop me, she could have later recanted her words. I think that Violet was the one woman that was able to deplete me of my self-control,” Gavin said. “I think I can control myself better now, because I believe what you’re saying is true—it does takes two willing partners, and I do believe I wouldn’t want anyone who didn’t want me in return. Good point, Reverend.”

  Gavin stood. “You’ve helped me more than Martin, my blind neighbor, or even my prayers.”

  “Maybe you weren’t praying for self-control, but were praying for the wrong things.” Billy stood and walked him to the door.

  “Maybe so,” Gavin said, shaking Billy’s hand. “I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”

  “God bless you,” Billy said.

  Billy pulled out his pocket watch and prepared for his next appointment. He was even more nervous about this one than the last. He sat and prayed while he waited for her to arrive.

  Ten minutes later he heard a light knock on his door. “Come in,” he called out.

  He felt his heart begin to pound in his chest, just by looking at her. She was beautiful. He knew his eyes had lit up at the sight of her; he could feel the glow.

  “Reverend Croft, I seem to have gotten a message that I had an appointment today at two,” she said, waving the note he’d given Dora to give his wife.

  “Indeed. Have a seat Mrs. Croft,” he said.

  “So I take it this is my counseling session?” she asked.

  “It is. I'm serious about this. Together, we’ll solve this problem.” Billy leaned back in his chair, something he did often during counseling to relax so that ideas would come to him.

  “Tell me what, exactly, you are afraid of?” he asked.

  “I’m afraid of turning out like my mother, for one thing. I’m afraid of getting a disease, and I’m afraid of losing your love.” She wiped a tear from her eye. “After some of my mother’s suitors had used her, they sometimes treated her cruelly. For years I swore I’d never ever let a man become intimate with me, and it seems I've locked those fears into my head.”

  “Okay, Anna. I understand these feelings, and I think they are very real fears,” he said.

  “They are?”

  “Certainly. Let’s take the first problem. Why do you think you might turn out like your mother?”

  “She loved…you know. Sometimes she took on several men in one day.”

  “How do you know she loved it?”

  “She did it all the time.”

  “She got paid though, right?”

  Anna hesitated. “Yes. So you think maybe she didn’t enjoy it at all?”

  “It’s possible she hated it. She may have had to do it to survive. I don’t believe any studies show that being free with your charms is genetic, anyway. You can’t inherit something like that,” he said. “The reason she may have hated it was because there was no love involved. Love changes everything.

  “As for the disease, you only get those if you are sexually promiscuous, you know, having many partners,” he said.

  “But most of the men who were with my mother were married. If they caught it, they’d take it home to their wives, who never did anything promis…what you said.”

  “That is true. Husbands who are unfaithful do run the risk of bringing who-knows-what home. Not all men cheat, and God-fearing men seldom cheat, especially ministers of God,” he smiled. “Especially this one.” He pointed to himself.

  “Anna, there is only one woman I want in that way, and that’s you. You will be my lifetime partner; there will be no others. I can promise you that. In fact, I did—faithfulness was in our vows. To me, intimacy without love is pointless, and since I only love you, I know I’ll always remain faithful.

  “Now, your last fear is something I can really help you with. How could you possibly lose my love by being intimate with me, your husband? I don’t understand. If anything, it will only serve to intensify that love. Once we've consummated our marriage, we’ll have also consummated our love and our bond. God said in Genesis 2: 24: 'Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave onto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.'”

  Anna sniffled into her handkerchief and wiped the tears from her cheek. “I never saw the same man visit my mother twice. Once they had what they wanted, they never came back.”

  “Anna, if and when we are ever fortunate enough to enjoy that intimacy, I can promise you I’ll always come back for more. It’s different when you’re married. God blesses marriages, he doesn’t bless prostitutes or people who are pro…um…well… free, with their favors. If your mother had been happily married, she would have had a different life, believe me.”

  “What if I don’t like it?” she asked.

  “It’s my job to see that you do,” he said with a wink. “I can tell by your responses alone that you will like it. Trust me.”

  “What if I do it wrong? I have no idea what to do,” she said, wringing her handkerchief in her lap.

  Billy stood, walked around his desk, and pulled her up. “Right now, I’m your husband, and not your counselor,” he smiled. “I don’t treat any of my other female clients like this.” He hugged her to him. “You will not do it wrong. Your body is made by God to know exactly what to do, and all you have to do is to just go with what you feel. God gave us everything we need.”

  Anna put her arms around his neck and clung to him. “I don’t want to do anything to lose your love now that I have it.”

  “That’s not possible. I haven’t had all that much experience in that dep
artment, either. Last time I was just a kid, and I had no idea what I was doing. I’m a man now, and I have a beautiful wife who I love dearly. We’ll learn together. I might do something wrong… will you stop loving me?”

  Anna laughed through her tears, and that made Billy’s heart lurch. That’s when he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her passionately. He tasted her tears, and wished he could swallow all the tears she would ever shed this easily.

  “Let’s go home and practice,” Billy said.

  Anna nodded.

  Dora left them a note saying she was out for the evening with Michael. They were having dinner with Miles and Violet.

  Anna knew this was the perfect opportunity to ‘practice’ as Billy called it. She was nervous and excited all at once. She truly wanted to legalize their marriage. She wanted Billy as much as he wanted her, and all of his arguments against her fears just made sense. Her biggest reason for wanting intimacy with him was to make him happy. She could give him the gift of love. Love can change everything.

  Billy led her to the sitting room. “Let’s start here, where we did so well the other night. We’ll begin by chatting. I want us to both be relaxed.”

  Anna sat beside him and he put his arm around her. She curled into the crook of his arm and rested her head on his chest.

  “Gavin McKenzie came to see me again today,” he said. “I think I was able to help him, too. Would you believe it was something I discovered when we were at the river that gave me the solution to his problem,” he said. “So I have you to thank.”

  “I know you can’t tell me his problem, but I’m glad I could help,” she said.

  “You help me in so many ways. I’ve never looked forward to coming home as much as I do now. Just to know I’ll see you, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to touch you, or get a special look from you.” He sighed. “That’s what made me first realize that I loved you.”

  “I first knew I loved you when you chastised me for telling the drunk what I thought of him, and when you were jealous of Michael,” she said.

  “What? You knew you loved me when I was cruelly chastising you?”

  “Yes, because it hurt me deeply that you were disappointed in me. I’ve been telling people what I think for years. Goodness, I grew up on the streets of New Orleans, and what anyone thought of what I said or did never bothered me before. And when I asked myself why it bothered me so much now, I had to answer that it was because I must have loved you already, and I cared what you thought of me. Of course, I didn’t fully realize it until much later.”

  “Oh, Anna, I’m so sorry,” he said pulling her closer.

  “I’m not. It made me realize I loved you, and that was a good thing,” she said, smiling up at him.

  “Come here.” He pulled her to him so that she was on his lap. He kissed her a few times, little kisses at first, but then each one became longer and more intense. That method of kissing made her tingle all over.

  He pulled her down on the sofa where they lay side by side, and continued their kissing. This time Billy kissed her differently, and it really made her feel things she’d never felt before. He kissed her for five seconds, pulled away, kissed her again for ten seconds, and then pulled away again, until she held the back of his head to keep his lips pressed to hers. His pulling away from her like that was driving her mad.

  He kissed her neck, her ears, her cheeks, and then went back to her lips, and she knew—she didn’t know how she knew, but she knew—she was ready for him, both mentally and physically.

  “Make love to me, Billy,” she whispered.

  “Are you sure?” he asked hoarsely.

  “Yes, I love you so much, Billy. I’m ready.”

  He sat up and pulled her with him. He stood, picked her up, and carried her up the stairs to his bedroom, kissing her passionately all the while. Anna was sure he thought that if he stopped kissing her she’d change her mind.

  She wouldn’t. Not this time.

  Afterwards, Billy held Anna tightly. “See? You knew exactly what to do. You were fantastic.”

  “I was?”

  “Didn’t I tell you that God blessed the marriage bed?”

  She nodded.

  “Sweetheart, I promise it will get better. The first time is always difficult.

  “I didn’t mind that. What I loved most was when I heard you groan, and then call out my name. That did it for me. My enjoyment was in knowing that I’d given the person I love most in the world that much pleasure. That’s the most rewarding feeling.”

  He kissed her. “I love you more than I did before, because now we have been as close as two people can get, like the Bible says, ‘as one flesh.’"

  “Will it always be this wonderful?” she asked.

  “No. It will get better each time, especially if we practice a lot,” he winked.

  Anna playfully slapped him. “I meant the closeness, silly! I think you don’t need more practice. You already have it down pat.” She kissed him, and then traced his lips with her finger. “You are an excellent kisser, Reverend Croft.”

  “It’s easy when you have such a willing partner.

  “Anna, will you move into my bedroom with me? I want to wake up to you each morning, and cuddle with you each night,” he said.

  “I’d like that,” she said. “I’ll move in tomorrow.”

  “But you’ll stay here tonight with me, won’t you?” he pleaded.

  “You couldn’t pry me away,” she said.

  Chapter 14

  When Julia came to pick Anna up to go shopping, she noticed the twinkle in Anna’s eyes and her flushed cheeks.

  “How are things with you and Billy? You look exceedingly happy for some reason,” Julia said.

  “I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life, Julia.”

  “Have you and my brother finally…?”

  Anna smiled shyly and blushed. “Some things are better left private,”

  Julia hugged her. “Oh, Anna, I’m so happy. I love you both.”

  “I love him so much, Julia.”

  “And that makes me love you even more. I love Billy, and couldn’t be happier that you love each other so much. Ha!” she laughed. “I won the bet with Caleb.”

  “What bet?”

  “Never mind. Let’s go, the mercantile is having a huge sale on shoes, and I just have to have that pair in the window. The sign in the window read half price," Julia said.

  “Dora!” Julia called.

  Dora poked her head around the corner of the kitchen.

  “Do you want to go shopping with me and Anna?”

  “Shopping? I was hoping you’d ask me. I never refuse a shopping trip.”

  “Billy said it was all right to go shopping as long as it was in daylight, and that I stayed with you two.”

  “Caleb said the same thing. We’ll be fine.”

  The three women rode Julia’s buggy into town. Julia had to park in front of the livery as the spaces in front of the mercantile were all taken—as usual during a sale. She made a mental note to stop and see Quinn before they headed for home. The ladies walked along the wooden walkway, chatting idly.

  A man with a black hat pulled down over his eyes moved toward them from the opposite direction. He made the mistake of bumping into Anna—most likely he hadn't seen her as his hat obliterated his vision—and didn’t excuse himself. Instead, he just grunted and kept on walking.

  Anna swung around and yelled, “Hey, watch where you’re going!” She was about to say more but Julia grabbed her arm.

  “Anna, shh,” Julia said.

  The man turned around with a snarl, and Julia gasped. She recognized him instantly by the gruesome scar on his face. “It’s him,” she whispered. “That’s the rapist.” He’d shaved, probably due to her posters, she thought.

  Dora darted closer to the growling man, and began hitting him over the head with her reticule. The man put up his arms in defense. Anna also began hitting him with her reticule. Over and over they hit him and kic
ked him until the man had had enough. He swore, and stretched his arms forcefully, and knocked both women to the ground. Julia screamed loudly, and the rapist started to run.

  Quinn ran out from the livery with several of his workers, and they tackled the man to the ground. Quinn yelled to Julia, “Run and get the constable. We’ll hold him down.”

  Julia could see that it was no small job holding that horrible man down, so she ran to the constable’s as fast as she could.

  When Julia returned with the constable and his assistant, Dora was standing and brushing off her dress. Then she noticed Anna, lying, still, on the walk. Dora and Julia rushed over to her.

  “Anna!” Julia said shaking her, but Anna did not respond. She had been knocked out cold.

  The constable, his assistant, and Quinn were all needed to drag the extremely incensed rapist, also known as Killer Mulvany, off to jail.

  Julia yelled to Miles, who’d heard the commotion from the bank across the street, and he ran over to them. “Help me. Anna’s knocked out cold!”

  All three bent over her, trying to revive her. “I’ll get a doctor!” Miles yelled. He ran down the street while Julia and Dora continued to gently slap Anna’s hands and call her name.

  “Dora, why doesn’t she wake up?” Julia cried.

  “She must have hit her head on the walkway,” Dora said.

  “I can't believe the two of you attacked a rapist!” Julia said.

  “Anna and I are one of a kind. We were both raised on the street, and we ain’t’ takin no guff from no one,” Dora said.

  “If she isn’t all right, we’ll get guff enough from Billy. Let’s stop now, and pray for her.”

  Both ladies bowed and prayed for Anna, aloud.

  Billy’d had another good day, but he couldn’t wait to get home to his wife. Was it a coincidence that he'd chosen to marry a stranger, and now he loved her more than life itself? It had to be God’s doing. He, in His infinite wisdom, had put them together. Billy knew it was for a reason: God wanted him to have a helpmate, and he was sure He wanted a better life for Anna.