by Lucy Daniels
‘Come back, Neil. Stop that, Samira.’ She put her hands on her hips. ‘Bring me the horns, please.’ Susan was holding on to her patience by sheer effort of will. She had hoped they could run through the Nativity with costumes this morning, but she was starting to think it had been a mistake.
She held out her hand, looking at Samira, waiting without comment. Samira’s dark eyes lingered on Susan’s face for a moment. Then with a conspicuous sigh, she took off the headband and handed it to Susan.
‘Can you put this back in the cupboard, Nina, please?’ Susan handed the horns to Nina. She kept her voice matter-of-fact. She displayed no anger, but actions had consequences.
Armando, who had been holding Baby Jesus by his heels and had been on the point of swinging him in the air, quietly pulled the doll back into position, cradling it in his arms as Susan had told him.
‘Right then, shepherds.’ She looked round. Jack, Kendall and Neil, all dressed in tunics and tea towels gazed back at her. ‘It’s your time to come in. Jack can you—’
Across the room, the door opened. A tall, red-haired man walked in: instantly recognisable. Susan’s stomach dropped.
He was here. In spite of everything, he’d come, just as he’d said he would. For a moment, her heart lifted. Perhaps she might be able to make up for her lie after all. He was standing in the doorway still, as if unsure of his welcome.
The three shepherds were still waiting for Susan’s instructions, but Christina, her king’s crown askew, set off across the room at a gallop. Several of the others followed.
‘Mr MacLeod!’
‘Have you come to read another story?’
‘Will you tell us about Frosty and Snowflake again?’
‘Please read to us.’
The voices rose, filled with excitement. Douglas smiled and bent to greet them. There was something different about him, and for a moment, Susan found it hard to place. He had combed his hair and trimmed his beard, she realised. And his clothes? The baggy trousers and rainbow T-shirt had gone, replaced with black trousers and a white shirt. Instead of bouncing around, he seemed subdued.
Was he sad? she wondered. Was this what her lie had done? Though she had worried about his flamboyance, this new Douglas seemed much smaller somehow.
‘Okay, Christina, Neil, Armando and all of you, please come back over here,’ Susan called, then turned to Nina. ‘Can you take over for a few minutes, please? I need to show Mr MacLeod where the scenery boards are.’
‘Of course!’ Nina sent her the slightest of winks as she replied. Susan pretended not to see as she headed across the room.
‘This way, Mr MacLeod.’ Susan kept her voice professional. She led Douglas into the smaller room where sundry pieces of heavy cardboard were lined up against the wall. He left the door onto the main nursery open. Susan had hoped he would close it so they could chat, but it seemed overly officious to go back to do it herself.
‘What would you like me to paint?’ His polite quietness still jarred. ‘And was there any particular style you’d prefer?’
The hope she’d had when she first saw him was dissipating. He wasn’t here to talk to her or offer another date. He really was just upholding his commitment. Susan felt silly for hoping otherwise. She glanced back at the open door. None of the children were close enough to hear.
‘I know you’re here to paint,’ she said, ‘but I just wanted to say again that I was sorry, for …’ She paused and swallowed. The words, ‘for seeing Michael’ were on her lips. Wasn’t that the real problem? Her feelings for Michael. She felt her face reddening. Douglas was gazing at her, eyebrows raised. His eyes were courteous, but there was no warmth. ‘… for what happened the other day,’ she said finally. She tried for a smile. It didn’t really work.
‘Thank you for your apology.’ His voice was grave still. ‘Now about this painting …’
From the doorway, Susan heard a whisper. She turned to see the Three Kings standing in the doorway, staring up at her and Douglas. ‘What are you talking about?’ Christina asked, playing with her crown.
‘Mr Douglas is here to help with the scenery,’ Susan explained. ‘We’re talking about painting.’
‘What about painting?’ Christina’s cherubic face was smiling. The other two kings, Ben and Harrison, looked on with interest. She should send them back through, Susan thought. Even if they weren’t in the current scene, they should be watching.
Her mind flipped back to Douglas. Though he had thanked her for her apology, he had moved the conversation on, as if he hadn’t really wanted to hear. Maybe there was a chance to make him understand. ‘We were just talking about making mistakes,’ she said. Though her eyes were on Christina, she could feel Douglas’s gaze burning into her. ‘How they don’t always have to spoil things. If you do something wrong when you’re painting, you can let it dry for a few days and then paint over it.’
It wasn’t a very good analogy, she thought. If you painted something wrong, you didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. But it was the best she could do …
Christina was staring at her. The crease between her eyebrows was deeper than ever. ‘Even if it’s dark green?’ she said. ‘Or black.’
The image of a child’s picture came into Susan’s head. Poster paints, smeared together. Why had she started this? ‘Even if it’s green or black,’ she confirmed, ‘with special scenery paint. Mistakes don’t have to spoil things forever.’
Ben had his head on one side. Dark curls spilled from under his crown. ‘What if you paint it wrong again?’ he asked. ‘What if you have to do it again a million times?’
For the first time since he’d come in, Douglas laughed. It wasn’t his usual booming guffaw, but a tight, unfriendly sound. Susan glanced at him. He had raised a fist to his mouth. Was he finding this funny or not? She couldn’t tell.
She turned her gaze back onto Ben. ‘Some people aren’t very good painters,’ she said, ‘but even they probably wouldn’t make a million mistakes.’
‘If they have made a million mistakes, they might be better off if they stop trying. Maybe there is something else they can do better.’ Douglas had his eyes on Ben, but his words hit Susan like a slap. Was he saying there was nothing she could do that would make things okay? Sadness welled up inside her. Despite her feelings for Michael, she’d liked Douglas too. Why had she worried about his clowning? Now his sense of fun had disappeared. It was cold, as if the sun had gone below the horizon.
‘Run along now, you three. Nina’s calling.’ Could he hear the brittleness in her voice? she wondered. Her eyes followed the three cloaked children as they retreated. She turned her eyes back to Douglas. He was smiling now: a gentle smile as if he was trying to be kind.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘I appreciate your apology, but I can’t pretend what you did didn’t hurt. In my last relationship, my ex lied to me a lot. It started with small things and they seemed harmless, but then there were more and more. I’m not up for something like that again.’
Susan felt shame welling up inside her. He had been kind and she’d hurt him. But could he really not find it in himself to forgive her? It had only been one little lie. She had regretted it as soon as she’d said it. She would have told Douglas next time she saw him.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I was going to tell you …’
He held up a hand, cutting her off. ‘If it was just that Michael was Jack’s dad,’ he said, ‘you would have told me. I saw how you looked at him when you saw me. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I won’t compete. Not with the father of your child.’
Susan felt hot and embarrassed. How could he see that so clearly? There was no denying that she felt torn between them. Until this moment, she hadn’t realised just how much she had been growing to care for Douglas. Now that he was removing himself from the equation, the feelings she had been ignoring threatened to overwhelm her. She liked him very much – and in trying to control the situation, she had driven him away and lost her chance
to choose.
Why had she lied? He was right about that. If she’d felt nothing for Michael, she could have just been honest. But Michael was her past, not her future … or was he? What she needed was time. ‘Please …’ she began, but Herbie Dhanjal rushed in.
‘Please come, Miss Collins. Naomi cut her leg and Mrs Wilson took her to the sick room. Samira’s got Baby Jesus and she won’t give him back.’ With a last glance at Douglas, Susan turned and trailed back through into the nursery.
Chapter Nineteen
Susan glanced around the living room. It looked more lived-in than tidy, and for a moment, she had the urge to rush round and clear all the surfaces. There were paintings left out to dry and a half-built Lego house on top of the toy box in the corner. But they were Jack’s things and he loved them. If Michael wanted to be part of Jack’s life, it was important he didn’t see a sterilised version.
Jack seemed to have fully accepted that he had a father now. He and Susan had counted down the days until ‘Daddy’s coming again’. When she’d told him today was the day, he’d rushed round the bedroom, collecting toys. ‘Daddy will love this!’
Susan was better prepared too. She had pulled the table football from the cupboard. Miranda had given it to Jack when he was far too young, but now was the perfect time to bring it out. She had also grabbed his Guess Who? game. It was another favourite that she liked to keep for special occasions. They could play indoor games for a while and if the weather held, they might feed the ducks.
‘He’s here, Mummy!’ Jack jumped down from the chair beside the window where he had been waiting. He rushed at Susan, his eyes wide, then turned round and ran to the front door. By the time Susan reached the hall, he was already dragging the door open.
She had half expected Jack to rush into Michael’s arms for a hug, but once the door was open, the reality seemed to overwhelm him, and he just stood very still with an uncertain smile on his face. Michael was looking very smart again. He was smiling too. He looked far more at ease than Susan felt. She could feel her face reddening. How could he still have this effect on her?
‘Hello,’ he said. He was holding out a gift again. Generous as it was, it would be better if Jack didn’t think Michael would always arrive with presents. She would have a quiet word with him later.
Jack took the parcel, gazing down at it. ‘Can I open it now, please, Mummy?’ he asked.
‘I think we should let Daddy come inside first,’ Susan said. She put a hand on his head and stroked his hair as he stared up at her.
Together they moved back. Susan took Michael’s coat, then Jack took hold of his hand and led him into the living room. Susan followed.
‘There’s something for you too,’ Michael murmured as Jack sat down and began to rip the wrapping paper. He reached into his pocket and drew out a blue velvet box. Susan frowned. Not that she didn’t like gifts, but it seemed a little over the top. He’s just being generous, she told herself.
She took the box and opened it. Inside, nestling on white silk, lay a fine rose-gold bracelet with a small dog charm, complete with an engraved S. ‘Thank you very much!’ she said.
Jack walked towards her, holding out his gift. It was an iPad and he looked up at Susan, wide-eyed. There was a computer station at the nursery, which all the children enjoyed. But Susan hadn’t bought him a computer or tablet at home. She would when he was older, of course, but for now she wanted him to play with other things. A couple of the children in her class had to be torn from their gadgets when they arrived every morning.
Seeing her hesitation, Michael stepped in. ‘It’s an iPad. You turn it on using this button here,’ he said, taking the iPad. He switched it on, then handed it to Jack. Jack was looking confused, Susan thought. He knew what it was but had no idea how to use it.
‘Wow, aren’t you a lucky boy?’ Susan tried to sound enthusiastic. ‘What do you say to Daddy?’
‘Thank you, Daddy,’ said Jack, smiling at Michael, though Susan could tell he still wasn’t sure what to do with it. He sat down on the couch and started pressing buttons on the screen.
‘How do you like your bracelet?’ Michael asked Susan. The easy smile was back in place. He seemed to think everything was going fine.
Susan didn’t know what to say. She liked gold. He had that right, but the little dog wasn’t her style. She liked animals, but not on jewellery.
‘It’s lovely.’ She looked up at him.
He had a kind of proprietary look on his face and he nodded as if he was quite satisfied. ‘I know how much you like dogs,’ he said.
I do? Susan was perplexed. She looked at the bracelet again. She liked dogs well enough, but they’d never been her favourite. She preferred horses and cats. ‘It’s very nice,’ she lied. A memory came to her from the time when they had first dated. There had been gifts galore then too. She had been flattered by how much money he’d spent, but even back then, he had often missed the mark. There had been expensive chocolates in a flavour she’d told him she didn’t like and a huge bunch of lilies he’d forgotten she was allergic to.
She needed to bring the conversation back on to Jack and what they were going to do. ‘I got some games out, if you’d like to play,’ she said to Michael. ‘Jack?’ He looked up from the screen. ‘Would you like to play table football?’ she asked. ‘It would be nice to play with Daddy while he’s here.’
She held out a hand for the iPad and Jack handed it over, though he looked as if he would rather not. He had already found a cartoon. Susan switched it off.
‘We can play games if you like,’ Michael said. ‘But I thought you might both like a trip to York. Did you see my car, Jack? It’s a Mercedes GLE Coupé.’ In her mind’s eye, Susan could picture the rather flashy silver car Michael had driven away in last time. Jack hadn’t said anything about it, but she knew he liked cars. She had a sudden feeling of helplessness. She’d thought she was organised for today. Why hadn’t she discussed plans with Michael? It hadn’t crossed her mind that he would suggest a trip.
Jack was jumping up and down. ‘Can we, can we?’ He tugged at Susan’s hand. She felt strangely reluctant to go. Not that she felt in any way unsafe. Michael was a good driver and she knew he wouldn’t do anything to harm them. She just felt … off balance … that was it. Surprise trips had been another of Michael’s specialities. But they were only going to York. It wasn’t that far and Jack would enjoy the Christmas market and all the stalls.
The car trip was surprisingly enjoyable. Wedged into the heated bucket seat beside Michael, Susan felt herself succumbing once again to his charm. He seemed to fit the car: expensive and well built, just the right side of flashy. To her surprise, he’d also programmed in a playlist of children’s Christmas songs. It must have taken him some time to find them all. She found herself joining in as Jack and Michael sang along to ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’. The drive passed by in a flash. As they drove through the edge of the city, Susan turned to Michael. ‘Shall we go to the Christmas market?’ she suggested. ‘Jack would love to see the decorations.’
Michael reached out a hand and turned down the music. ‘That would be great,’ he said, ‘but there’s something I want to show you first.’ He indicated right and turned into a side street, then pulled up in front of a red-brick townhouse. Susan peered up at the façade. It was rather grand: three storeys high with a porticoed blue front door.
‘Where are we?’ she asked.
Pulling on the handbrake and turning off the engine, Michael twisted round in his seat to grin at Jack. ‘This is Daddy’s house,’ he announced. ‘Would you like to see inside?’
Jack was almost hopping up and down in his excitement. ‘Yes please, Daddy,’ he said. There were a million thoughts rushing around Susan’s mind. Michael hadn’t said anything about this. And yet she hadn’t thought to ask, so in a way, wasn’t she also at fault? What would he have done if she had? He would have told her … wouldn’t he?
She looked up at the house
again. There was nothing she could do about it now. Not without looking like the bad guy. What is he trying to do here? Michael climbed out of the car and walked round to open the back door to let Jack out. Susan could see how excited Jack was. She felt sick as he put his hand in Michael’s. The nightmares she’d had before – the ones where Michael and Jack bonded and she ended up left out – surged back into her head. She shook herself, trying to be calm. Michael had seen where they lived, after all. Perhaps it was natural for him to want to show Jack where he lived.
They walked up the steps and Michael took out his key. Behind the classy front door, there was a rather grand hallway. Ivory tiles with smaller black diamonds stretched back to an archway. To the left there was a stairway with a cream-coloured carpet. Two dark wooden chairs stood with their backs to the duck-egg blue walls and there was a huge mirror on the wall on the landing high above them.
Jack was still holding Michael’s hand. Now he reached for Susan’s as well. Was he feeling a little overwhelmed too?
Michael seemed pleased by their reaction. ‘Nice, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘I’ll show you round.’
He led them through the first of the doorways that led off the hall. It was another lofty, high-ceilinged room. There was an original Georgian fireplace, intricate cornices and a picture rail with paintings. The carpet was a tasteful blue colour and the walls were white. It was four times the size of the tiny living room at Moon Cottage. Large leather sofas and a mahogany coffee table completed the feeling of opulence. Yet it didn’t feel as if anyone lived there. The carpets were unmarked, as if recently vacuum cleaned. Jack’s eyes were huge.
‘Do you like it, Jack?’ Michael asked.
Jack nodded. He was still holding Susan’s hand.
‘And this is the kitchen,’ Michael said, a couple of minutes later. It was wonderful as well, Susan thought. Far bigger than Michael could possibly need. It stretched across the width of the house. Two massive windows abutted graceful French doors. Through the glass, she could see a small garden. The floor was wooden, as were the doors of the cupboards. Michael walked across and leaned on the island in the centre of the room, looking out of the window. ‘Come and look,’ he said, turning to look at Susan. After only a moment, she went and stood beside him. They were in the city, but the windows looked out onto a small walled garden. It was unexpectedly wild, with ancient trees and creepers on the walls. It would be lovely in summer, Susan thought.
