by Jules Dixon
“Cade, the Whitemans’ are sellin’ the farm. I’m out of a job in January, maybe sooner. I’m gonna move back home and help Daddy.”
“What about Oliver?”
“He’s gonna be a father.”
“And why can’t you be a father with him here?”
“And do what? Stay at home with a baby? Cade, we both know that’s not me. I have to be workin’ and the land has some sort of hold on me. I hate to say it, but it’s my first love. I crave seein’ something grow from nothin’.”
“You mean like a baby?”
My breathing became erratic. “I don’t think I’m ready for fatherhood or even made out for fatherhood. I never thought this would happen to me, so what am I supposed to do? I’m only starting to understand myself. How the hell am I supposed to help someone else grow into a secure human when I’ve only recently started to act like one?”
“I guess those are questions you’d better answer before Friday because from what I heard that’s also your deadline. Either you’re in with Ollie or you’re out. If you’re in, you start figuring out a way to either own this place or find another job here. If you decide you’re out, and I don’t mean the ‘out’ gay thing, I mean out of Ollie’s life and what would be your child’s … well, honestly Holt, I think you’re still hiding behind a closed door and are afraid to live, but it’s your door to slam shut.”
I spun to him and my blood pumped like Silver’s when she was on a full-out gallop.
“I’m going to bed. Good luck, Holt.” He took the stairs two at a time.
Sleep wasn’t going to happen. I headed out to the barn to do some thinking.
Silver, you look like you could go for a ride.
She and I spent the next three hours traipsing the land, getting to know every corner. The hills called and the valleys whispered my name. I was already attached to this mound of earth. It made me question how anyone didn’t understand that farming wasn’t just putting a seed into the ground. It was planting the seed, blessing it with a part of my soul, and praying that nature found a way to take it from there. Every stem, leaf, and fruit was part of the farmer who had planted the seed, and I had a need to give part of me back to this land that offered so much.
I need to talk this out with someone, and the person I needed would be awake in just a couple of hours, up making breakfast for the man she loved.
Momma, I need you.
Chapter Sixteen
Oliver
On the drive to my apartment I called every one of the remaining six keys. I decided to let Chloe keep hers, but I told the other all-hours visitors to send me my key, drop it off at VSI, or to put the metal in the trash and forget about it. And me.
All except for one were respectful. I’d already known the stacked blonde objector would be a handful. She’d nabbed the key while I was sleeping and left me a cryptic note that included a threat of telling her brother about our night together. Emerson was nothing I wouldn’t and couldn’t deal with at a later date, and hell, my lease was up soon. I’d start looking for a small house to be done with the blonde she-devil all together. My mother would love to design an entire home, which would include a nursery for her grandchild. The woman would be beside herself for months—some with the decorating, but mostly with the baby.
I sat in my car and looked up at the sky. Inside the city limits, the heavens appeared to have fewer stars. They were still there, but they couldn’t make it through the city haze. I missed the country stars that were so bright and every inch of sky was covered. I already missed Holt and the thought of making the country our home.
I’d never been one to sulk for days over a guy or a girl, but the next morning at VSI, Bryson, who was still hotter than fuck and made me want to drown my sorrows in him, buried balls- and tongue-deep, asked what was up. So I told him. And I wasn’t quiet. And I wasn’t hiding anything, not that I ever really did. I was going to accept the care and assistance my friends were willing to offer.
“A kid? Now that was something I didn’t expect.”
“Actually, the kid was conceived up against your Jeep.” I checked my phone for any texts or calls.
Bryson deadpanned, “Glad I played a part, Aston, and you’re welcome.”
“Yeah, thanks a lot,” I offered back with the same lack of enthusiasm. But inside, I was excited. I’d talked to Chloe and told her I wasn’t backing out. This child would be brought into the world and know his or her father and mother.
“You think Holt is really going to move back to Alabama?”
I don’t know.
Jake’s head appeared in my cubicle. “Didn’t mean to listen in, but I did.”
“What’s up, Greenstein?” I rocked back in my office chair.
“Sorry to hear about Holt. I didn’t say it yesterday, but congrats on the spawn, and just to let you know, I talked to my brother last night.” He rushed the last statement.
I stopped my rocking. “And?”
Bryson stood from where he was leaning against my desk. “I didn’t even know you had a brother, Jake, and I’ve been your roommate for four months.”
“Long story, Welch, we’ll talk later.” Jake shoved his hands in his black military-style pants. He turned back to me. “And we’re meeting for lunch on Thursday.”
“And?”
“And I will apologize to him and be an ally for the LGBTQABCXYZ crowd.”
I busted out a laugh from my gut.
“For what?” Bryson asked, glancing with confusion between us.
“I’ll tell you over pints at Two Fine after work. You wanna join us?” Jake asked me.
“I’ll let you know later.”
Bryson walked out of my office and glanced toward the front door. “Shit, boss man is here. Greenstein, let’s go to that business install a little early.”
“Ten-four that!”
Jake and Bryson went different directions to get back to their desks, and I finally booted my computer even though it was already ten a.m.
“Oliver, my office. Now!”
“Yes, sir,” I mumbled.
As I walked past, Bryson was getting his coat on. “Let us know what happens, both with Rahl and with Holt.”
“Will do. Thanks for listening, Bryson. I—”
“Aston!” Rahl’s voice bounced off the walls.
“Gotta go!”
Rahl’s mood settled into the room.
I rubbed my hands together to compensate for the chill in the air. “Hey, Rahl. How are you doing?”
“My head hurts.”
The black stitched goose egg on his forehead should have told me that before he did. I sat on what I now deemed the World’s Hardest Chair.
“Sage met with Dave last night. He came to her room.”
“Okay, how did it go?”
Sometimes I had to pull information from him and as a grown man he needed to stop that shit.
“Dave is dying.”
“You’ve said that before. But, by your face I can see it’s worse than maybe you thought. Like how close to dying?”
“Weeks, maybe. Probably less.” He searched through his file cabinet as emotions he was struggling to control coursed through his veins. I’d seen this from him before, when he was in the throes of PTSD after coming back from the desert war, but then he’d been building his home and that project had provided adequate distraction from any problems.
“I’m really sorry, Rahl.”
“Now I wonder if she would have been better off not knowing he was her father.”
He had a legitimate point.
Maybe, but...
“No. Everyone should know where they come from and who they are.”
He sat in his chair. “That’s what I thought. Sage told me she always felt close to him. I hope that connection will help her get through what’s going to happen soon. I just want our babies and Sage to be healthy and happy, this stress isn’t good for her, and I need to get back to her.”
“Rahl, um, I’m going to be
a dad, too.”
He leaned back in his chair. “You got Holt pregnant already?”
I didn’t want to laugh but the fact the Ogre was trying to be both funny and supportive lifted my low mood. “Yeah, I wish.”
Rahl laughed with me.
A big sigh released some of my tension. “She’s this girl I’ve … um…” Admitting to my boss that I’d been irresponsible made my skin feel dry and itchy. “That I’ve been seeing on and off for a few months is pregnant with our baby. Her name’s Chloe. I think she’s almost two months along.”
The Internet was both helpful and frightening when it came to pregnancy, and since I was trained to receive and process information, I craved almost too much. Concern of a Vesuvius magnitude ran through my head. Is she eating right? Has she drank or done any drugs? Is she taking prenatal vitamins? Has she seen a doctor?
Rahl snapped in my face. “Aston! Did you hear anything I just said?”
“Sorry, no. I did some pregnancy research online last night.”
Rahl shook his head. “Bad move. There’s a time for knowing and not knowing, Oliver.” He paused in his search-and-distract desk drawer maneuver. “I guess that’s what I was thinking with Sage.”
“And I want to believe you’re right.”
Rahl stretched his arms behind his neck and his huge biceps framed his head. “Anyway, congratulations. What’s Holt think about this new addition to the family?”
My heart thudded in my ears. “He’s thinking of moving back to Alabama. He doesn’t see a future for him here, if he’s not on the farm. And he wasn’t looking to be a dad, either.”
“Hmmm, wouldn’t have imagined him to run when things get tough.” Rocking his chair, he stared at a picture of Sage on his desk. “That’s one thing. Sage has been there for me through my PTSD, she loved me before I got my life back, and she loves me after. Maybe he needs some time to get used to the idea?”
“Not much time, a pregnancy goes fast. Except when you’re having three of them, I’m sure.”
“It’s definitely dragging a little currently, but I can wait to meet them when they’re all fully formed and ready to be in our arms. I can see you and Holt making a family.”
“But the job thing…”
“He knows Spanish?”
“Fluently.”
“He has a job here whenever he wants one. I’ll contract him out to local and national agencies. What are his other languages?”
“German, Farsi, and of course English—well, his southern brand of English.”
“Damn! Smart guy.”
Hot, smart guy.
“I don’t know if being a linguist is really what would make him happy, and I want him to be happy, even if that means he’s happy somewhere else. But, thanks Rahl.”
Rahl chuckled. “Could you be any more in love, Aston?”
“Don’t really think so. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him to leave, but if I have to, I’m going to raise the baby by myself. Chloe is on track to be a geneticist with a passion for curing Alzheimer’s that even I could see is her destiny. She already has offers from graduate and doctoral programs for next year. She can’t stop school to take care of a child, but she wants to be in the baby’s life. So, this is on me.”
Rahl cleared his throat. “I don’t think I’ve ever been prouder of one of my friends, Oliver.”
“Thanks, boss.” I rose out of the chair. Emotions were bubbling to the surface and having the Ogre being supportive was just the thing I needed to push me over the edge into sobbing male.
Never a good look. Red eyes clash with my white hair.
“Anything else?”
“I’ll only be in the office for a few hours every day until the babies get here. Sage gets to come home today and I’m going to be taking care of her. She’ll be on bed rest for at least a few weeks, maybe the rest of the pregnancy.”
“Um, Sage told me about her can- and can’t-dos now.”
Rahl grumbled a curse word as he stood. “I’ll take no sex, if she and the babies are all okay. Why I really called you in here was, Oliver, I’d like you to step in when I’m away from the office.”
I smiled. His trust meant so much to me. “Definitely.”
“There won’t be much I can’t do from home, but if there is, you’ll be my go-to guy.”
“I’m in. Whatever you need.”
He reached across the desk. “Good to hear, soldier.”
I shook his hand. “Take care of her. You know, I love her too.”
“Don’t think that’s not another reason why you’ll be here and I’ll be with her. She loves you too.”
I chuckled. “But not like she loves you.”
“Hope not. Okay, let me know if you need to be gone for baby appointments, and hope to meet this Chloe soon.”
I walked to the door.
“Oliver, one more thing.”
“Yeah?”
“You can’t guilt Holt into staying here. Doing that will only make him resent you.”
“I know, and that hurts as bad as saying good-bye ever will.”
“Good luck.”
“Later, boss.”
My cubicle actually felt comforting today. The ten-by-ten space was like a cocoon. My phone buzzed on my desk.
Holt: Can we meet for a drink tonight?
Oliver: Two Fine Irishmen on 180th and Q Street?
Holt: I’ll be there at 7pm.
Oliver: See you then.
Holt: I love you.
Oliver: I know.
Holt: Are you going to say it back?
Oliver: I want to, but saying it then having you leave will kill me.
Holt: Me, too.
Oliver: Holt, it scares me that I’ll never stop loving you.
I stared at the phone hoping he would continue the conversation, but there was nothing.
****
Two Fine Irishmen was quiet but on a Tuesday night any bar would be. Jake waved me over to their high-top bar table.
“Hey, fill-in Ogre.” Bryson saluted with his beer bottle.
“You heard?”
“Didn’t you see the e-mail Rahl sent out?” Jake asked.
“No, what did it say?”
“You’d think Rahl was a proud uncle. I guess you don’t know that he announced you’re having a baby.”
I dropped my phone on the table. “What the hell? You’re fucking kidding, right?”
Jake smiled. “Nope. Told everyone this was a VSI blessing and we should all be supportive of each other.”
“It was kind of odd, but a good odd, for Rahl,” Bryson added.
“What can I get you, Ollie?” Tia, the waitress, gave me a side hug.
“A time machine or a gun?”
She laughed. “I heard you’re gonna be a daddy.”
“Fuck! Did he tell everyone?”
“I got a text from Sage.” She cringed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it was a secret.”
I calmed my breathing. “No, I’m sorry, Tia. It’s not. I’m just getting used to hearing it and I’m currently a little overwhelmed.”
“Anything I can do to help, let me know.”
I blew out a big breath. “Can you get me a vodka?”
“And?”
“That’s all. A big glass of vodka. Actually, make it two glasses of vodka.”
Tia giggled. “Coming right up.”
“Nope, he continues drinking like that and everything will be coming right up, later,” Jake mumbled.
“Good point, Greenstein. Before you go, can I have a menu?” I hadn’t eaten all day. “You know, forget it. Just bring me a grilled chicken sandwich and side salad with ranch.”
Bryson and Jake ordered their meals, and Tia took off.
“Holt’s meeting me here in an hour.”
Bryson tore the label off his bottle. “What do you want to happen, Aston?”
My eyes flashed between him and Jake. “I love him, but I want this baby, too.”
“You’re definite
ly gay.” Jake smirked.
“Jake.” Bryson pushed on his shoulder. “And you’re definitely jealous. I’ve seen you with Ember. I know who you love and want, Jake. Why don’t you go for it?”
Jake glowered at Bryson. “You’re a fucking asshole.”
“I accept that. Now tell Ollie and me why you stopped seeing Ember, the goddess?
“I don’t know.”
“Come on, Jake. You’re not going to turn gay by admitting your feelings.”
Tia delivered my vodka, and I set on a mission to chug it.
Jake stared up at a poster of a girl in a bikini that advertised a new girlie fruity alcohol. “I like Ember Coley, but no, I’m not in love with her.”
“Not in love yet,” Bryson said before getting up. “Can I have another, Tia?” Bryson looked at his phone. “I’ll be back, guys.”
“Kitchen’s a little backed up.” She pointed to Jake’s beer. “Another one?”
“No, I’ll switch to vodka too, but add a little Coke to mine, please.”
“Got it.”
Jake leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head. “Are you really ready to be a dad, Oliver?”
“It doesn’t matter if I’m ready or not, I’m gonna be one. I’m thinking of it as an adventure and I’ll learn as I go. Plus, my mom will help me.”
“I’m not great with kids,” Jake said.
I took a long drink and the vodka was a warming agent for both my mood and body. “Me neither, but I’ve read it’s different when it’s your kid.”
“Maybe. Good luck. I’ll come hang with you but I won’t wipe asses. Yours or the kid’s.”
“Thanks, Jake. We have a little time to get some partying in. If my calculations are right, the end of May is Chloe’s due date.”
“Damn, that doesn’t sound like long.”
Bryson slid onto his bar chair. “What doesn’t sound like long?”
“Baby is due at the end of May,” I repeated.
“Spring? Great time to have a baby.”
“Sometimes I think you should be gay, Welch.” My empty stomach topped with alcohol eliminated my usual filters.
“Sometimes I wish I was. I have really bad luck with girls. Couldn’t be worse with guys.”
“Don’t bet on it,” I huffed.
