Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “You sleep like this every night?” he asked, voice low.

  “Yeah, except I’m usually the meat in the sandwich, with both of them attached to me.”

  “I think we need to take turns, get a decent sleep every other night.”

  She nodded. “Maybe.” In reality she doubted Cooper would let her out of his sight, but it was worth a try. He’d started to twirl her long hair between his fingers when he was anxious, like she was his life-sized comfort blanket. “Noah, how long do we have you here for?”

  “Awhile.”

  Bella didn’t like how vague his answer was. “You’re not telling me because you don’t want to tell me, or do you actually not know? Because as much as I appreciate your help, like last night, I want to know if you’re just going to break my carefully bandaged together life I’ve created with the boys and then just leave us to pick up the pieces.”

  He shrugged, but he wasn’t looking at her now, the connection broken. His gaze was firmly on the boy snuggled asleep next to him. “I’ll let you know as soon as I know. That’s the best I can offer because my job isn’t exactly nine to five. But for now you can get back to work, do your thing, and leave me with the boys.”

  She bristled, hating the frosty tone she’d used on him, but finding it impossible to talk to him any other way. “I don’t need you telling me when I can go and how to get on with my life,” she replied sharply.

  Noah shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

  Bella gripped the covers and told herself not to be so damn pigheaded. She could make up her own mind, and the truth was she did need to get back into the office.

  “So you’re happy to take over everything with the boys so I can go off to work for the entire day?” All this time she’d struggled, kept putting her clients off and leaving her assistant to keep everything ticking over, but all of a sudden she needed to get out of the house, needed some time to herself, even just for a few hours. She wasn’t actually convinced she could leave them for that long without making sure everything was okay, seeing them eat their milk and cookies after school and watching them as they played and did some homework. But throwing Noah into the deep end with no lifeline did sound appealing.

  “You got it,” Noah said, like it was the easiest task in the world. “I’ll drop the boys off at school if they wanna go, and try to get a few jobs done around the place. Hell, I might even try to make us dinner.”

  “We love our fine dining here,” she said sarcastically, knowing full well the child care alone should send him to breaking point.

  “Never know—I might surprise you.”

  “About the dinner part or the actually taking them to school part? Because if you don’t promise to get them to school, I’m not leaving them with you.”

  Noah slipped from bed then, careful not to disturb Will as he moved. She wanted to look away but couldn’t, watched him, the release and pull of his muscles rippling down his back as he stretched, the only clothing he wore, his boxer shorts. Bella swallowed hard. Every inch of him was firm, honed, taut, and she’d be lying to herself if she didn’t admit to wanting to explore his body to see exactly what those muscles felt like. Especially when he was so annoying!

  “I’ll get them to school. Stop getting your panties in such a knot.”

  She grimaced. It was one thing knowing she deserved a normal life, to continue parts of her old life, but ever since Lila had died, she’d gone into fierce mama bear mode, and letting go wasn’t so easy. And even more so when Noah tried to waltz on in and upset the apple cart that she’d finally braced from tipping over. Although she did have to admit that the boys had smiled a lot already in the short time he’d been back, and that wasn’t something she wanted to put an end to.

  Noah stood under the water and cursed the thoughts he was having about Bella. He turned the faucet to cold, forced himself to stand there, to suffer in the freezing water as punishment. But he just groaned and still thought about her; the edge of nipple that had escaped when he’d first glanced over, her hair all messy and tangled from sleep, full lips taunting him. He seriously needed a distraction.

  “Uncle Noah!”

  He turned the water off and stepped out, grabbing his towel and pulling the door open. “What . . . ?”

  He quickly tightened the towel around his waist, Bella’s startled expression making it hard for him not to laugh. Her mouth had formed a perfect O, her eyes roving down his body, then up, before her cheeks turned a deep shade of pink as she blushed.

  “Sorry,” she muttered, spinning around and grabbing Cooper’s hand as he went to dart away.

  “I heard one of the boys call for me,” he said, running his fingers through his wet hair.

  “He was being silly, wanted you to talk me into staying and not going to work.”

  Bella was all dressed up, black slim-leg trousers, high stilettos, silk blouse. He would have liked to unbutton it a little more, but . . . cold shower. If he kept thinking like this, he’d need another cold blast of water.

  “Boys, Bella needs to go to work.” He shrugged. “You have me to play with. What’s the big deal?”

  Cooper hung his head, eyes downcast. “She might never come back.”

  His words were low, muttered so Noah could only just make them out. “You guys haven’t been that bad for her, have you?”

  “Noah,” Bella cautioned, shaking her head and giving him a hard stare that he didn’t understand.

  He checked that his towel was tucked in tight before bending down, looking at Cooper on his level. When Cooper wouldn’t look up, he glanced at Will, who had just appeared in the hall. He was staring at his toes, too, watching as he wiggled them into the thick carpet. It was hard not to laugh given he was dressed in full Spiderman costume, but Noah fought it and kept a straight face.

  “What’s going on, guys?” he asked.

  “Cooper reckons she won’t come back, ’cause last time Mommy and Daddy left, they never came home, even though they promised.”

  Noah had never been overly emotional, but his throat choked up when Will raised his eyes and looked at him. There was nothing but honesty in the boy’s face—and sadness. He hoped that Bella would step in, because he had no idea what to say, was only capable of holding it together by gritting his teeth and steeling his jaw.

  “What happened to your mom and dad was an accident,” Bella said, eyes meeting his like she knew he needed saving. “No amount of promising could have changed what happened, and if there was anyway your parents could have walked away from that crash alive, could have changed what happened, they’d have done it in a heart beat.” He swallowed. “There’s nothing they wouldn’t do or have done to be here with you boys. Nothing.”

  “But Dad promised,” Cooper whispered. “He told us that when he made a promise, he always kept it. Always.”

  Noah stood, looked at Bella, and wished she had some magical answer that could make everything better, would make the boys understand. “This was one promise your dad couldn’t keep, buddy. It wasn’t his fault.”

  Cooper started to cry, and Bella folded him in her arms, bent low. She was watching Noah over Cooper’s head, her chin nestled into his hair. Noah, taking his cue, went to Will and scooped him up. Bella’s smile was kind, her eyes brimming with tears. Noah doubted this whole thing was going to get any easier any time soon, but damn it, he hoped so.

  “Want to come watch me shave?” he asked Will. “You can use the back of a toothbrush, and I’ll cover your cheeks in shaving foam.”

  “Cool,” Will said, wriggling to get down. “But I’m not sure if Spiderman needs to shave.”

  Noah laughed. “Oh, he does. Definitely.”

  “Wanna come, Coop?” Noah asked, beckoning for him to join them. “Bet you can show your brother what to do.”

  Noah watched as he reluctantly let go of Bella and headed into the bathroom with him. It was all he could think of at a moment’s notice—he hadn’t expected them to be so upset about her leaving for a few hours.
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br />   “Just go,” he mouthed as Bella stood and stared.

  She didn’t say anything, then finally nodded.

  Bella felt like her feet were rooted to the spot. She wanted to go, was desperate to visit a couple of clients that she’d been seriously neglecting, and make her way into her office to deal with, no doubt, a desk full of mail and samples, but she couldn’t. Now she knew what her sister had meant when she’d said that leaving her children for even an hour sometimes hurt like hell. How she’d ever left them to go on tour, Bella would never know.

  Through the open door she could see Noah standing, his golden-brown back bare except for a tattoo that she wished she could get a better look at, a white towel still just slung around his waist like it was about to drop. She averted her eyes and looked into the mirror instead, seeing the two little boys staring at their faces, now covered in white foam. Will was giggling and Cooper was smiling, but it still didn’t make it any easier for her to head out for the day and not feel like she was abandoning them.

  Then her eyes found Noah’s. She realized he’d been staring at her in the mirror the whole time, or maybe only for a second, and she hadn’t noticed. She hated the way he made her feel, the way he unsettled her and made her stomach flip into somersaults every time he leveled those icy-blue eyes on her. Ugh. She seriously needed to get out of the house and away from him.

  Bella turned, grabbed her bag, and hurried down the stairs. She collected her keys on her way and marched to the door, locking it behind her and jumping in her SUV. With the boys, she’d been driving Gray’s vehicle because they’d wanted her to, but she needed to collect fabric samples and drive to her client’s house after the office, and it was nice to be in her familiar vehicle, to pretend for a sec that nothing had actually changed in her life. Besides, it wasn’t littered with wrappers and half-eaten potato chips.

  She dialed Serena before she drove off, smiling when her super bubbly, glass-half-full girlfriend answered.

  “Hey. Don’t tell me you’ve actually left the house. Alone?”

  Bella laughed. She’d promised Serena she’d call her the first time she was alone and actually available to grab a coffee.

  “I’m alone, and I’m out of the house, but I don’t have time for coffee,” she told her. “I’m heading into work.”

  “I’ll meet you there. Give me fifteen, and I’ll bring the coffee.”

  Bella was going to say no, but she needed some downtime. To just chat for a bit about nothing and everything, to have some adult time before she started work. It wasn’t like she’d had no adult time since she’d taken over looking after the boys—she saw plenty of her parents, countless people had called in, and now there was Noah—but Serena was different. She was fun and she wouldn’t mention what had happened, or if she did, there would be no treading on tiptoes so she didn’t offend Bella.

  “I’ve got news by the way.”

  “Oooh, cute bartender you liked asked you out?” Bella asked, finding herself smiling just for the hell of it for the first time in weeks. “Or was it the new associate you have your eye on?”

  Serena laughed. “Even better. I’ll tell you soon.”

  Bella hung up, still smiling as she drove the rest of the way and pulled into a parking space. She grabbed her bag and headed up, walking up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. She shared space with a few other people, had one corner of a large open-plan office. Her assistant hadn’t been in the last few weeks—Bella had given her time off—but today Bella arrived to find her assistant standing talking to one of the other guys on her floor.

  “Bella! Oh my God, how are you? I wasn’t expecting—”

  “Hi, Kate. Just coming in to clear a few messages, make some appointments,” Bella said with a smile, ignoring the looks of pity she was receiving. This was why she’d avoided everyone—because she didn’t need those looks and stares, not when she’d finally made it out the door and stopped thinking about her sister for longer than a minute.

  “But are you sure—”

  “Go grab a coffee, Kate. Take your break now,” Bella told her, smiling curtly. They were usually pretty close, friends even, but today she just needed to get to her desk and have coffee with Serena. She pulled a ten-dollar bill from her wallet. “It’s on me—and thanks for all your work holding the fort down for me.”

  Kate touched her arm and smiled before taking the money. “I’ll see you in half an hour. You want anything?”

  Bella shook her head. She crossed the room and made it to her desk, sighing as she slumped down in her chair, not able to see even an inch of the glass top. As she’d expected, there were so many things to address, she had no idea where to start.

  “Hey, gorgeous!”

  Bella grinned when Serena called out, silencing everyone in the office as she walked in, coffee tray in hand. She was blonde and tall, her legs endlessly long in a knee-length skirt and pumps. Bella bet the male attorneys in her office found it impossible to work with her around.

  “I so needed this,” she said, holding her arms out for a hug when Serena reached her desk.

  Serena wrapped an arm around her, squeezing tight. “You look fab.”

  “No, I look like a train wreck compared to you.” She gratefully took her coffee and slowly took a sip. “I need an IV line pumping caffeine into me these days.”

  “You’re a mom of two boys now, Bells. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

  “So tell me your big news?” she asked, dying for some of Serena’s gossip.

  “It’s kind of your big news,” she said, looking like she was about to start laughing. “Oh, the coffee’s double strength by the way, in case you’re bouncing off the walls later.”

  Bella knew better than to let Serena distract her. “What do you mean my big news? You’re not making sense.” All Serena was doing was making Bella suspicious.

  “So, you know how I signed you up with that new Internet dating site a while back?”

  Bella groaned. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

  “I did actually. Because we all know that you need a date. Or two. Or ten.” Serena laughed. “I actually told your sister all about my idea, and she wholeheartedly agreed, so I’m just honoring her wishes.”

  Damn Lila. Her sister would have been the first one to sign her up if she’d had half a chance, or the time to actually sit down and make her a profile. She’d been hassling her for the better part of a year. Bella imagined her laughing and applauding Serena’s work.

  “You make it sound like I’m desperate and dateless.”

  Serena frowned. “Um, you are. When was the last time you went on a date?”

  Bella pulled a face straight back at her. “I’ve been on dates.”

  “Excluding coffee dates. I mean getting-dressed-up, looking-smoking-hot, hitting-the-town kind of dates.”

  “Never. You know I hate that sort of thing.”

  “No, you hate that you used to do that sort of thing with Brody. That doesn’t count.” Serena sipped her coffee. “Most guys don’t get that drunk all the time—or that annoying.”

  “So what’s your point?”

  “You have a date Friday night,” Serena said. “I’m going to babysit the boys, unless you want your mom to know that you’re going out, and then you could get her to do it. It’s just casual—nothing to get all worked up over.”

  “Serena!” Bella groaned again, slipping forward and resting her head on a large pile of fabric. “Why do you do these things to me?”

  “Because I’m your best friend and I want you to meet the man of your dreams.”

  “Says the so-called best friend who’s just found a guy online for me who could be a rapist or a serial killer.”

  “So you want me to babysit? You can’t cancel on him. And he wasn’t from the Internet—he’s real. Could’ve saved myself the time writing your profile.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter; Noah can look after them. You gave me the idea in the first place, remember?”

 
; “How’s that going? Because if you need me to get rid of him, I don’t think it would take a lot to make a case and give you sole custody of the boys. You’re their aunty by blood, and it’d be better for them to have one stable parent rather than being shared between you.”

  Serena was so confident, made it all sound so simple. “Gray wanted Noah in their lives,” Bella said simply. “It might not be easy, but I need to at least try to follow their wishes.”

  “Fair enough. Pity you’ve always hated him so much; otherwise, it could have been cute, the two of you looking after the kids together, falling in love—”

  “Stop!” Bella didn’t know whether to cry or laugh. “And I haven’t always hated him. ‘Hate’ is too strong a word. I just—I don’t know—he’s not my type. Besides, that’s the last thing we’d need to complicate things anymore than they already are.”

  “Oh, I forgot that you don’t like sexy-as-hell, muscled bad boys,” Serena said with a wry smile.

  “He’s Navy.”

  “Oooh, even worse!”

  “Did you not hear the part about me not wanting to complicate things?”

  They both laughed and sipped their coffees. The idea of a date was killing her, but a blast of Serena was exactly what she’d needed. And she was right—Lila had been encouraging her to date, to give some guys a chance rather than write them off if one little thing about them didn’t seem perfect. Her trouble was that after Brody she’d been happy to be on her own for a while. He’d been the perfect guy on paper—ex-SEAL turned cop, handsome, charming. But when he drank, which wasn’t all the time but often enough, he changed, like he was a different person. Once every few weeks, or sometimes every couple of months, they went out for a big night, to have fun, and she’d end up in tears and on her way home in a cab alone. She couldn’t recognize the person he’d turned into but knew that by the next evening he’d be back to Mr. Charming again.

  “We kind of slept in the same bed last night, but nothing happened; we had the boys in with us,” she told Serena, wondering why the words were even coming from her mouth. “Then this morning he ran out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, and I swear to God, my jaw hit the floor.”