Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  She took a deep breath and wondered if she should just ask him to turn the car around. This was not the best start to what was meant to be a fun evening. “Yeah. I know it sounds weird, but we’re just trying to do what’s best for the kids.”

  He laughed. “I’m guessing he doesn’t have a girlfriend, then.”

  Bella shifted in her seat, not sure what was so funny. “Why?”

  “Because no woman would let you live with her man.” Corey chuckled again. “Sorry, but it’s true. You’re way too beautiful.”

  Bella wasn’t sure what to say, although the flattery was nice. “Noah and I are just . . .”—she paused, wondering what they actually were—“friends, I guess. Acquaintances who’d probably never see each other if the kids weren’t in the mix.”

  “So long as I have nothing to worry about,” he said with a wink, touching her hand, his palm covering hers as he took a hand off the wheel.

  Bella smiled back, but suddenly that spark of chemistry she’d felt every time she went in for coffee seemed to have sizzled out. Or maybe it was the fact that when Noah winked at her, it made her stomach drop and just about hit the floor.

  “So where are we going?” she asked.

  “Thought we’d just head somewhere quiet for a drink. Get to know each other.”

  She wished she could snap out of her funk and just enjoy being out with a cute guy, but all she really wanted was to stay home. Bella took a deep breath and told herself not to be so stupid. He was funny, gorgeous, and sweet; there was no reason this wasn’t going to be a great night. She just had to get Noah out of her head.

  “Do you meet all your dates making coffee for them?”

  He shrugged. “Not all. Sometimes I meet them making hot chocolate.”

  Bella laughed. “Well, you are a barista king, so it’s no wonder.”

  Corey smiled over at her, and she grinned back. The truth was, all she wanted was for the drink to be over, so she could curl up in bed with the boys or run into Noah shirtless in the hall. But she owed it to Corey, not to mention Serena, to have fun, and that was exactly what she was going to do, even if it killed her.

  “So how did it go?”

  “Shit!” Bella cursed, dropping her keys and leaning against the wall, heart racing.

  “Sorry—didn’t mean to scare you.”

  Her eyes adjusted to the dim light in the hall, and she glared at Noah. “You thought you wouldn’t scare me by appearing in the dark and jumping out?”

  Noah thrust his hands into his jeans pockets. “Something like that.”

  “What are you doing waiting up for me, anyway?” she asked, moving past him and kicking her shoes off in the kitchen, flicking the kettle on to boil.

  “Just wanted to make sure you got home okay.”

  “He wasn’t an ax murderer, and he didn’t pull any moves on me.”

  Noah’s chuckle was soft. “Good.”

  She spun around, wanting to be angry with him, but not having any idea why. “Did you really have to do that tonight? Act all Mr. Tough Guy and make out like we had children together or something?”

  “For starters, I did not make out like we had children together. I just wanted the chump to know what he was in for if he wanted to date you. And second,”—he laughed—“if you thought that was me being all tough guy, then you’re definitely mistaken.”

  “Ugh!” she muttered, putting both hands on his chest and shoving him back. “Just stop it!”

  “What?” He looked more amused now than he had before, but when she went to shove him again, to vent her frustration that she was usually so good at keeping a lid on, he grabbed her wrists. Tight.

  “Whatever your problem is, it’s not my fault.”

  “Maybe you’re my problem,” she argued. “Let go.” Bella struggled, but his hold was vice-like.

  “No.”

  They stood staring at each other in the half light, Noah’s face too near to hers, his body dangerously close. Her breath was coming in soft pants, her heart racing as he pulled her hands down to her sides, still gripping her, still not letting go. They stood like that for what felt like forever, the noise of the kitchen clock ticking so loudly, every second taking an age.

  And then he stepped forward, into her space, way too close for comfort. Noah’s eyes dropped, his gaze on her lips. Bella wanted to get away, to think about the sweet guy she’d just been on a date with, the guy she should be giving a second chance. Not Noah. Not the one man she wanted to steer clear from.

  “Mommy!”

  Noah froze and Bella groaned. He bent lower after hesitating, and just as she shut her eyes, almost let it happen, he took a step back, the light falling across his face.

  “We can’t do this,” he whispered.

  She gulped, hands shaking as she balled them. He was right—of course he was right! But he’d been about to kiss her, his mouth had been so close. What had she been thinking?

  “Anything happening between us is every kind of wrong,” he muttered, stepping even further away. “Right?”

  She nodded, forcing her head to comply. She knew that, so why did she feel oddly disappointed? “Yes, of course.” It hurt being rebuffed, but she knew he was right. “I’ve had a few glasses of wine . . .”

  “We just got carried away in the moment,” he added when her sentence trailed off.

  “Mommy!!”

  “I have to go,” she whispered when one of the boys called out again, waking from slumber and forgetting that mommy was no longer there.

  “Come back down when they’re settled,” he said, voice low, the only noise in the kitchen the crackle of the baby monitor and the clock ticking. “I went out to collect the mail after you left, and there was something for us.”

  She hesitated, wanted to ask him more, then remembered the heartbreaking cry. “From the look on your face, I’m starting to think you waited up to show me the letter, not to make sure my chastity was still intact.”

  Noah nodded. “Something like that. But you’ll want to see it before you call it a night.”

  She went to walk off, then turned back around. “Any idea who it’s from?”

  His smile was sad—genuine, but full of sadness. “Your sister,” he told her. “It’s from Lila.”

  Bella’s body went cold, her skin becoming clammy as she gasped for air, forgetting all about their near kiss. She ran for the stairs, needing one of the boys in her arms, not wanting to hear Noah’s words echoing through her head. There was no way the letter could be from her sister. Which meant someone was either pulling a nasty prank on her, or Noah . . . . She took the stairs two at a time, even though her body just wanted to shut down and not move. The look on his face, the way he’d held her before—he might like to goof around, but this wasn’t the type of thing he’d joke about.

  “I want Mommy.” Cooper’s sob sent her racing through the door, dropping to the bed and finding Flopsy for him, tucking it into his arm as she bent to cuddle him.

  Life was cruel. Life was mean and unfair. But the idea of one last letter from her sister? Maybe something she’d sent that had been lost when she’d been away serving? That was something to live for, something to smile about.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  November 2014

  Dear Bella & Noah,

  If you’re receiving this letter, then life hasn’t exactly gone according to plan for us. I knew when I was going on this tour, the one that I’m certain will be my last, that I had to write this, even though it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done.

  We knew when we had a family that there was a chance, however tiny, that we could leave our kids without parents. Serving my country is something I’m so proud of, and Gray is so passionate about what he does too, but working in conflict zones comes with risks. Whatever happened to us, know that we would have done anything in our power to stay with our kids, to be there for them and see them graduate, to watch them learn to navigate the world and become adults. The burden we’ve put on you is enormous, and I
know you guys haven’t always been the best of friends, but we decided to put you both down as co-guardians so you could bring the boys up together, share the load. Bella, you’re the most amazing sister, and you always have been since we were little kids and you’d stick up for me on the playground at school. You’re also an incredible aunty, and I know the boys will think of you as their own mom once the memory of me starts to fade, as much as it kills me to even write that.

  Noah, Gray loves you like a brother, and so do I. You might butt heads with Bella a million times, but she’s also super sensible and careful, and that means the boys need you, too. They need you to teach them how to surf and catch them when they fall out of trees, to say yes when they need some freedom, to do all the things Gray would have done with them. And I need you to give Bella a break sometimes. Please.

  But most of all, I want you two to like one another. And to be honest, if you’re both single right now, I have a feeling that . . . Gray’s shaking his head at me, so I’m not going to say anything else. Except for this: Go look in the top drawer to the left of the dishwasher. You’ll find a blue piece of paper with the names of a couple of babysitters we’ve used and trusted before. Don’t ask Mom or Dad to come over; I want you to just phone a sitter and tell them you need a couple of hours to go out. Tuck the boys up first if you want to, then go.

  Noah, if Bella says no, make her do it. Every Thursday you’re going to receive a letter, and it means a lot to me that you guys take time away from our crazy kids to have a date night. Bella, don’t roll your eyes. Yeah, it’s called date night, and yeah, it’s with Noah. Wish I could see your face right now, and the way Noah’s looking at you! Anyway, tomorrow night you’re going to the beach, and every Friday night you need to make time for something I have planned. I want you to head to the place where the cool Mexican food truck is, order whatever looks great, then chill on the beach for an hour. Just talk, relax, enjoy. Because if you don’t take some time out from the boys, they’ll drive you mad, no matter how much you love them.

  Bella, I love you so much. I know you’re going to be struggling, and Mom and Dad will be heartbroken, but please just get over yourself and enjoy Noah. He’s a great guy. And Noah, give her a chance, okay?

  Until next week, Lila xoxo

  Noah stiffened, watching as Bella gulped like she was a fish out of water. She balled her fist and pushed the letter away, tears running down her cheeks as she turned to him. Less than an hour ago, she’d almost been in his arms because of lust, and now he was trying to decide whether he should be offering her comfort in his arms from grief.

  “I thought when you told me it was from her that it was some kind of mistake,” Bella said, voice shaky as she brushed the tears from her cheeks. “Have you read it?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I did. If I’d realized it was from her before I opened it, I would have waited, but it was addressed to both of us.”

  Her smile was sad, tears still brimming against her lashes, threatening to fall. He wanted to step closer and wipe them away for her, to cradle her in his arms so she could just cry her eyes out if she wanted to. But he didn’t. Bella had this strong exterior, this look about her that she’d perfected, but something told him that it was all an act to compose herself. He wanted to see the real her, for her to just trust him enough to let her guard down, even though he got it. The only person who’d ever seen him with his guard down, without his game face on, was Gray.

  “Do you think there are more? Do you believe her?”

  Noah chuckled. “Yeah, I believe her. She wouldn’t have had this sent to us if she wasn’t going to follow through.”

  Bella brushed more tears away, a look of fierce determination passing over her face. She nodded, like she was trying to reassure herself about something, pep-talking herself. “The lawyer must have sent it, right? I’m going down there first thing to ask for the rest of the letters.”

  Noah touched her shoulder as he passed, before sitting down at the kitchen table. He was having to step it up, trying to be in touch with how she was feeling. “Or you could just let this play out like your sister wanted.”

  He may as well have told her that the sky was green, the look she gave him was so surprised. “You’re kidding, right? Are you actually suggesting we do what she says?”

  Noah shrugged. “Bella, what almost happened before, we can’t let that happen again. But going out as friends one night a week? I don’t care what she wants to call it, but it doesn’t sound half bad.”

  “But . . .” Her voice trailed off as she continued to stare at him. “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah,” his voice was husky now, deeper than before, and he cleared his throat. “Just so long as we’re both clear . . .”

  “Oh, we’re clear,” she said quickly. “So, friends getting to know each other better?”

  “I think we need to be better friends for this whole”—he paused, searching for the word—“arrangement to work. So, yeah.”

  “It’s been tough—having you here, I mean. Having someone else around.” She blew out a sigh. “I just keep worrying that it’s all going to get too much for you, and you’ll bail, and I’ll end up at square one again, starting from the very beginning with the boys.”

  Noah frowned. “That’s not going to happen. I know it was probably disruptive when I first arrived, but I’m trying, Bella. I am.”

  He watched as Bella pushed off from the table where she’d been leaning and reached for a glass, hands shaking as she filled it with water. “Trust my sister to still be calling the shots even when she’s gone and damn well left me.” Her voice cracked, barely audible.

  Noah hesitated, not sure what to do, whether he should follow his instincts or just leave her the hell alone. But she was hurting, hurting so damn bad that he could see her pain, and he hated just standing by. He leaned forward, thought about it and decided: To hell with it. He walked closer and slowly, carefully, placed a hand on each of her shoulders, squeezing, wanting her to know he actually cared about how she felt. It had been stupid to try to kiss her, but giving a damn was something else entirely.

  “It’s okay to cry,” he murmured. “You don’t have to be strong for me.”

  She tensed under his touch, went stiff as a board before sighing and relaxing a little, water glass still in hand. “I feel like all I’ve done these past couple of months is cry.”

  “Not true,” he said. “You’ve also kept your chin up and gotten on with caring for two crazy-busy, grieving little boys. Not to mention trying to keep your business afloat and being strong for your parents.”

  She set the glass down and groaned as he pressed his thumbs into her shoulders, gently starting to massage her bunched muscles. “I’m failing epically at the keeping-my-business afloat part.”

  They both knew that it wasn’t just about money. Both Lila and Gray had excellent life insurance policies, and the kids were taken care of, the house and cars paid off. Her sister and Gray might have been on average wages, but they’d been careful with their money, and both sets of parents had helped them out financially when they’d started their family. But Bella was proud, and she was independent, and Noah knew she wouldn’t want to just step away from the business she’d started from scratch.

  “All I’m saying is that you don’t have to be strong for me. You can let your guard down,” he told her, hands falling away as she turned. He was okay with dealing with other people’s pain; he just wasn’t good at letting anyone see his.

  They stared at one another a long while, tears still shining in Bella’s eyes. “Says the guy who always has his guard up,” she murmured, eyes studying every inch of his face.

  He didn’t like the scrutiny, wasn’t used to someone so openly searching him like that, as if he were a hard-to-read book. “You’ve got me all wrong,” he lied, not wanting to go there, for her to see through him.

  She gently shook her head, the barest of movements. “No, I don’t. And that’s why I always thought you were an asshole, becau
se I never took the time to actually figure you out.”

  He cleared his throat, wanted to step back and get the hell out of Dodge, but at the same time didn’t want her to know how right she was. “So what have you figured, smarty-pants?” he joked.

  “You’re not fooling me, Noah. Not for a second.” She surprised him by reaching for his hand, her fingers searching his out for barely a few seconds before letting go. “You might pretend like nothing fazes you, the tough Navy guy who’s all about fun when he’s off duty, but I don’t buy it. Not anymore.”

  Noah wanted to change the subject real fast. “So are we going tomorrow night or not? I mean, tomorrow’s Saturday, but I guess we can break the rules this one time,” he said, putting her on the spot, wanting the focus off him.

  “Yeah, let’s do it,” she said, chin held high, shoulders straightened, like her sister bossing her around from the grave was the kick in the pants she’d needed. “Just don’t go trying it on, okay? Friends hanging out—just like you said.”

  He grinned. “So we’re friends now? Lila would have kittens to think we’d progressed that far.”

  She laughed, the pain gone from her face, eyes full of happiness for a short burst at least. “Yeah, I reckon we’re friends now. After everything we’ve been through, we deserve it.”

  He held up a hand and backed up a few steps. “See you in the morning then, friend.”

  She smiled. “I’ll phone the babysitter first thing.”

  Noah turned to go, before spinning back around. “All that and I forgot to grill you about your date. Did he sweep you off your feet?”

  “He was a nice guy.” She shrugged like it was no big deal. “We had a good time.”

  He winked at her, wanting to keep the smile alive on her lips, needing to joke around with her. “Well, lucky it didn’t go too well; otherwise, you might not have been free tomorrow night for our friendship date.”

  She bit down on her lower lip, a gesture he found sexy as hell and made him wish he’d just gone to bed and not engaged at all. “Goodnight, Noah,” she murmured.