Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “Yep. Only family I’ve ever had.”

  “It’s amazing they only had one son. I mean, that she only had one biological child.”

  “Gray was the only child after five miscarriages before him. And she tried for another unsuccessfully for years after. I doubt she tried again after I arrived though.” He grinned, surprised that he actually wanted to talk to her about it. “Gray and I were brothers in every sense of the word.”

  Bella stayed silent, picking up one of the plastic forks and starting to eat.

  “You miss him?

  “Like crazy.” He sighed. It was like he’d had his own limb ripped off, he missed Gray so damn bad, the pain so intense sometimes it was all he could do to pick himself up and keep going. Not to mention having to put on a brave face all the time for the boys.

  “I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to wonder why I ever disliked you quite as much as I did,” Bella blurted.

  He laughed, finishing a mouthful before answering, pleased they’d moved to another subject. “I never disliked you. Well, not really.”

  “And by ‘not really’ you actually mean . . .”

  Her smile was infectious. “Look, I thought you were so far from being similar to Lila that I wondered if you were even related. You were so uptight and annoying and . . .”

  “Oh, don’t stop,” she said, rolling her eyes when he paused, “I can take it.” She plucked at the skin on her arm and made him laugh. “It’s pretty thick.”

  He shrugged. “Then I saw that you were a whole lot more like Lila than I’d realized. You’re strong, determined, fierce, beautiful—just like her.”

  Noah knew his voice had dropped an octave, could hear the huskiness of his tone. Bella was looking at her plate, her gaze lowered, no longer focused on him.

  “When we were younger, we were like twins,” she said, holding a taco between her fingers and slowly eating it, her eyes finally, haltingly, meeting his.

  “That changed as you got older?” Noah used a napkin to wipe the sauce from his fingers. Mexican was great, but it was always messy.

  She sucked in her bottom lip, just for a second, her eyebrows drawn together ever so slightly. “As we got older, we grew apart for a while. I was so angry with her for choosing to go into the Army, and there were a few years there where we barely spoke.”

  “What changed?” Her words had taken him by surprise. He’d known she had a hang-up about military guys, but ruining her relationship with her sister over her career choice? Not what he’d expected to hear.

  “When we were growing up, Dad did his fair share of stints away from us, leaving Mom with two little girls terrified they weren’t going to see him again. Then, as we got older, his going away got even harder because we understood what could happen.”

  Bella stared out at the ocean, putting her food down, wiping her fingers, and then leaning back, hands out behind her. Noah didn’t say anything, didn’t need to, because she was going back down memory lane and the last thing he wanted to do was to interrupt her or try to fill the silence when she so obviously needed time to process.

  “You know, I haven’t talked about all this stuff in”—she glanced at him—“ever, actually. Except for when I was yelling at Lila about leaving.”

  Noah nodded. “Whatever you tell me, it’s just between us. I’m not the kiss-and-tell type.”

  She smiled fleetingly, her face softening at his joke. He liked it, and it made him want to work harder to keep her looking at him like that.

  “Why do I get the feeling that we’re not talking about just secrets anymore?”

  He grinned. “It was a figure of speech—nothing more. But I don’t share bedroom secrets either, for the record.”

  They both laughed, the mood between them more relaxed than it had ever been, despite the subject matter. The only other person she could just talk with was Serena, and she hated off-loading on her friend all the time. Her mom and dad were great, but there was only so much she wanted to share or talk about with her mom. The last thing Bella wanted was to add to her mom’s already full worry load.

  “When Lila was due to ship out the first time, when the reality of her deployment hit home to me, everything changed between us. It was like the two years of shit between us had never happened, and all I wanted was to have those years again, just to enjoy my sister.”

  “And now you’ll be wishing for them even more,” Noah said softly.

  “Yeah,” Bella murmured. “From that day on, I focused on positives. I was so immensely proud of her, just like I’d been of our dad, but I was so scared of losing her. I didn’t want my sister being part of that world.”

  “Would you have felt the same if she’d been a brother?”

  “Maybe not—or maybe it would have been exactly the same. I don’t know,” she said honestly. “Lila and I were only eighteen months apart in age. We played Barbie’s together; rode make-believe ponies and galloped around the yard; shared the same room, even though there were two spare in the house and Mom had never intended us to. So to know she was in a combat zone and might not make it home? It terrified me.”

  Noah spread his hands out, food long since consumed. “And that’s why you never wanted to date military guys?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “No. I mean, yeah, I didn’t want to have another person to worry about, especially once Gray joined the family, but military guys—I don’t know. I’ve been there, done that, I guess. I know the type, and it does nothing for me anymore. Sorry.”

  “That’s fine. I wouldn’t date a brunette, so I get it. We all have our types.”

  He stifled a laugh when she reached instinctively for a strand of hair. It was bullshit; he loved all women, but it was good to see the surprised look on her face. Besides, she was technically a brunette with a ton of blonde streaks, so she didn’t really fit either category.

  “You know, from what I recall, the bridesmaid of Lila’s I found you in the restroom with was a brunette.” Bella made a face. “Not to mention married.”

  “The hair thing was a joke,” Noah said. “And I had no idea she was married. You can call me all sorts of names, but marriage wrecker ain’t one of them.”

  Bella stared at him, and he chuckled and sat back. He decided he’d pushed her hard enough, and steered the conversation back to less contentious topics.

  “So tell me what happened to you. What did you decide to do when Lila joined the Army?” he said.

  “Me?” Bella shrugged, looking more relaxed again. “Not much to tell. I was older, I went off to study design, worked with an interior design firm for the first few years before deciding to branch out on my own.”

  Noah played with the sand, letting it trickle through his fingers, again and again. “So you ended up going solo, doing your own thing, and your sister became the ultimate team player.” He thought about it for a minute, chuckling. “Kind of makes sense, given your personalities.”

  “You’re saying I’m not a team player?” she asked dryly.

  “I’m just saying it makes sense. So how do you get on with your soldier dad, then? I mean, you’ve always seemed close.”

  Bella’s smile was sweet. “I adore my dad. If there was ever a daddy’s girl, it was me. Still is.”

  “I know you didn’t want them in harm’s way, but the way you feel about the military, about men, sorry people, serving their country . . .” He wasn’t sure exactly what he was trying to ask her, or maybe he was and just didn’t want to hear the answer.

  Her eyes met his, unwavering. “I admire every single man and woman who’s brave enough to serve our country, Noah. But I’m selfish.” She shrugged. “There’s no way to sugarcoat it, because believe me if there was, I’d do it. I want my family safe, and I want them close to home. I wanted stability once my dad retired, pure and simple.”

  Noah got it, he did—in theory anyway. “Sometimes we don’t get to choose.”

  “And sometimes your sister and brother-in-law can somehow survive th
e shittiest times abroad, serving when so many others didn’t, and then end up getting killed when a truck driver slumps against the wheel.”

  “Shit happens,” he said, saying exactly what ran through his head and then wishing he’d stopped to filter it. “Life ain’t fair, and it sure as hell ain’t just.”

  “I guess I couldn’t understand why Lila had to do it. I mean, she was so smart and she could have done anything, could have just had a normal life and gone to college and not had to risk her neck all the time.”

  Noah shook his head. “No, she couldn’t, because she thrived on the adrenaline. What else could she have done that would have given her that, except maybe law enforcement? Hell, she and Gray used to go to the shooting range for fun!”

  Bella suddenly flopped back into the sand, head back, looking straight up at the sky. Her long hair fanned out around her, hands at her sides, fingers pushing back and forth through the sand.

  “One day, I hope I can find a way to show you why Lila’s job meant so much to her,” Noah continued.

  Bella nodded. “I’d like that. I want to understand, but . . .” She shook her head. “I hate that it’s like this missing jigsaw piece, that I still can’t figure out how she felt, what made her . . .” Her voice cut off. “It was different for you. I can understand why you did it.”

  He leaned back and lowered himself down beside her. It would have been so easy to shut his eyes, to rest beside Bella, where he felt safe, breathing in the fresh, salty air. He was so, so tired, every inch of his body, every muscle, tired to the bone.

  “Is it because I’m so clearly a fuck-up?” he asked.

  Bella pushed up on one arm, looking down at him. The sun was low, almost gone, which meant he could look straight up at her without having to squint. Her eyes were so brown, so warm, he realized he could look into them all day without tiring. They were the kind of eyes that made him feel alive but safe, all at the same time, a feeling of peace—something he’d rarely felt in his life—when he was the subject of her gaze

  “You’re not a fuck-up, Noah,” she murmured. “You might have annoyed me in the past, but I never thought that of you. Never.”

  “But I am,” he muttered, shutting his eyes to block her out, not wanting to see that honesty, to read her face. “I’m great at what I do, when I’m at work. I’m a damn good SEAL—I’d never leave a man behind, and I’d sacrifice myself for another without thinking.”

  “Yet you think so little of yourself?” Her tone was incredulous.

  Noah kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to talk about himself. He stared into the distance.

  “Give me something, Noah! I’ve tried to open up to you properly—I’d love it if you could do the same, just a little.” She pushed at him, shoved his arm lightly. “Tell me what makes your job so damn important to you?”

  “No,” he said.

  Bella went to stand, pushed herself up, but he made himself grab her and stop her from moving away. He forced himself out of his comfort zone.

  “Look, in the Navy, I have a family of guys, a home. I know that I fit in and people rely on me; it gives me purpose. But when I’m not working?” He opened his eyes, saw that Bella was still looking down at him. She blinked, flushed when he caught her studying his face, slowly lowering herself again so she was looking up at the sky once more. “I’m a loose cannon when I’m not at work. It’s no wonder you always thought I was an asshole.”

  Bella’s fingers brushed his then. He almost wondered if he’d imagined it until he moved his own, the only part of his body that moved, fingertips searching, then staying still. Deadly still.

  “I think we both need to give ourselves a break,” Bella finally said.

  “Maybe,” he replied. Although he wasn’t convinced she was right, not about him, anyway.

  Bella’s fingers left his, made him wish he’d done something to keep them there, but if he had, it might have pushed things one step too far.

  “Tonight’s been nice,” she said, voice low as she brushed sand off her jeans and stood.

  Noah did the same, collecting their paper plates and napkins. “You sound surprised.”

  Bella burst out laughing. “I am!”

  Noah watched her, moved closer, then decided he was being stupid. What he wanted to do was kiss her cheek, brush his lips over hers, make it something more. But he didn’t. Because everything he loved, everything he wanted, always somehow turned to shit. And he couldn’t go there with Bella. They had two little boys to care for as their own children for the rest of their lives. There was too much at stake to screw anything up where Bella was concerned.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Bella took a deep breath and placed her palms down flat on the counter, needing a minute to gather her thoughts. She loved having her family around, thrived on being surrounded by people she cared for, but everything was starting to get the best of her. So much for being told as a teen that girls could do anything. It was the worst lie she’d ever believed. She slipped her phone back into her pocket, ignoring another text from Corey, not sure what to say in reply. He was keen to see her again, and even though she knew she should say yes, something was holding her back.

  “You okay?”

  The deep timbre of Noah’s voice caught her off-guard. Ever since the “date” last Saturday, she’d tried her best to avoid him, kept busy, made use of his being there and not having to be anywhere else, so she could get on top of work. Things should have been easier, because he was making an effort to stick to her routine, not even laughing at her when she’d pinned a weekly schedule to the fridge. But the way she was feeling about him . . . it was stupid. She’d been on a real date with a super nice guy, and instead of thinking about him, she was imagining things being different with Noah, what it would be like to be in his arms for just a moment, to give in to the part of her that was insanely attracted to him. And then she reminded herself of all the reasons why she couldn’t go there.

  Now it was the end of the week again, and she’d taken the day off, and ever since Noah had arrived home with the kids, it had been chaos. Gray’s mom had arrived, her own parents had turned up, and then ten minutes ago her kooky Aunt Iris had arrived uninvited. Not that she had to be invited, but still. Bella was ready to collapse, and she hadn’t even made them all coffee yet.

  Bella slowly turned, came face-to-face with Noah. “Not really.”

  “Anything I can do to help?” His offer was genuine, concern etched on his face.

  “I just want . . .” She blew out a breath, reaching for the counter again, needing to hold onto something. “Is it so bad to wish for an hour of my old life? To run a bath, read a book, just be me with no one needing me?”

  The look he gave her broke her apart, made her want to pool on the floor and then pull herself together and stop being so broken.

  “You’re doing fine. It’s just overwhelming having so many people in the house.” He smiled. “And being reminded over and over again of what happened.”

  “Oh my God!” She lurched forward, pushed past Noah as she raced for the back door. “The letter was due yesterday!” How had she forgotten something she’d been looking forward to all week? The days were running into each other, the week passing in such a blur that she could hardly remember whether it was the end of the week or the beginning.

  She heard Noah behind her, but she was determined to get there first, jogging barefoot out to the mailbox. There were a few letters, mostly bills, but there, grouped in with everything else, was a cream envelope with Lila’s familiar, flowing writing on the front. If they hadn’t written each other every single time Lila was away, she might not have recognized it so readily, but there was no denying it was her sister’s hand.

  Bella passed Noah the stack of miscellaneous mail without looking, her eyes locked on the envelope in her hands. She slid her nail under the seal, pulling out the paper and scanning the words so fast that she made herself stop and reread them slowly, savoring every word.

  She co
uldn’t decide if it made losing Lila harder or easier, but however much it hurt to be reminded of her sister, the letters brought her back, which was something Bella wouldn’t give up for anything in the world.

  November 2014

  Dear Bella & Noah,

  I’m trying not to laugh as I write this. Actually, I’m alternating laughter and tears because I also keep thinking about the boys and what it would be like for them growing up without us. But that only brings me back to why I’m doing this, to give you guys time to get to know each other away from the kids. They’ve got you, so I know they’ll be fine, but it still tears me up.

  This idea for date night is a bit more traditional than the other one, but it still involves food. I want you to head to Tony’s. Nothing too fancy, just fun and happy. Order pizza and red wine, watch the world go by, and tell each other something you’ve never told anyone else before. Don’t roll your eyes, Bella—just go with it. Live a little, okay?

  Can you both do me a favor, too? I want you to check on Dad, make sure he’s okay. I know Mom will be getting plenty of hugs and lots of love, but Dad will be hurting more than you realize. Be there for him, give him a big kiss, and tell him that I loved him more than a daughter could ever love a dad. He was the best, and I want him to know it.

  I love you both, too. Snuggle those boys for me, and please don’t ever leave them to cry in the night. I know it’s a big ask, but they’re only little for such a short time.

  Lila xoxo

  Noah came closer, his hand on her shoulder as he peered over, reading from behind her. Bella shut her eyes for a second, let herself enjoy the moment of Noah’s touch, how safe she somehow felt with him so near, even though half the time she was terrified of how he made her feel.

  “Another date?” he asked softly.

  “Yeah,” she croaked before clearing her throat. “Want to go now, so we can escape the others?”

  Noah’s laugh was deep, his fingers tightening over her shoulder before letting go. “Honestly? Yes. But we can’t.”

  “We were supposed to have the sitter booked for tonight, so we could go,” Bella said, annoyed that she’d been so busy with everything else that she’d forgotten something that had been so important to her sister, important enough for her to pre-plan in case something happened to her.