by Soraya Lane
“Oh, sweetheart, it’ll be okay. He’ll be fine. I know how hard it is saying good-bye.”
Bella nodded, tucking her knees up to her chin. She felt like a little girl again, desperate to be cuddled and reassured. There was so much she wanted to tell her mom, wished she could say.
“How much did Lila ever talk to you about him?” she asked. “Noah, I mean.”
“She talked about him a lot sometimes. About how sad she thought he was, how much women loved him but that she doubted he’d ever settle down. And sometimes she’d mention what a great friend he was to Gray, that he’d do anything for him. Or her for that matter.”
Bella gulped, knowing she was about to betray Noah’s confidence but needing to tell her mom. It wasn’t that she wanted to share something that was supposed to be private; she just couldn’t deal with it on her own and needed to know if her mom knew.
“Did she ever tell you what they went through to have the boys?” Bella asked, her voice so low it was almost a whisper.
“You mean how they were going to have IVF?” her mom asked.
She sighed, deciding that it was Noah’s right to decide who to tell and what he wanted others to know, no matter how badly she needed and wanted to talk about it. Her mom obviously didn’t know anymore than she herself had. “Yeah. He was just saying how hard it was on Gray, thinking they weren’t going to be able to have children.”
“Do you want me to come over? I’m just folding washing. I was going to attempt a round of golf with your father, but—”
“I’m fine, thanks, Mom.” Bella sniffled and pulled herself together, stretching out her legs. “I just needed to talk.”
“I miss her every day, sweetheart. Sometimes it’s so bad I don’t know how I’m going to drag myself out of bed and face the day.”
“Me, too,” Bella answered truthfully. “And then other days I feel happy and forget about what happened, and then spend hours feeling guilty when it hits me.”
“You’re not alone there, Bella. Not for a second.”
They didn’t say anything for a few beats.
“Sweetheart, I don’t want you waiting for another letter. Not for a little bit. Lila left instructions that you weren’t to receive the next one for at least four weeks.”
“She what? No way. Just send it. I need it. I can’t go without them.”
“She left instructions saying the . . .”—her mom’s voice trailed off for a moment—“that this one had to be sent then. I don’t know why, but we need to respect her wishes. The plan she had when she wrote them.”
Bella didn’t know what to say, but it wasn’t her mom’s fault, and she didn’t need Bella telling her to ignore her other daughter’s wishes.
“I understand. Thanks, Mom.”
“Just call if you need me.”
“I will.”
Bella forced herself up and decided to check her emails, get a few jobs done, then go out for a coffee and have the afternoon to herself before it was time to pick up the boys. With Noah gone she was going to have to get used to it being just the three of them again, whether she liked it or not.
She grimaced as her leg throbbed, and decided to take some ibuprofen before sitting down at her desk. The last thing she needed was a reminder about Noah, so the faster she extinguished the pain, the better.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
August 2014
Dear Bella,
I wish I were there for you. You’re always there for me whenever I need you. Like with the boys. Or when I’m dealing with Gray being away. Brody was an asshole—you know that, right? You’re better off without him. We all knew he wasn’t good enough for you, even if he did start out by impressing Dad with his Navy training.
I’ll never tell anyone your secret, not even Gray. You know that when I make a promise, no one can make me break it. But know that you will meet someone better one day. You’ll meet your Gray. I believe in that, and you should, too.
Go to a spa, pamper yourself, remind yourself what an amazing career you’ve carved for yourself because you’ve always known the woman you wanted to be. I’m so proud of you, and I always will be. But one day when you find The One, you need to tell him everything—your past, your fears, your hopes and dreams. Don’t hold everything so tight to your chest that you never get to live and love.
Lila xoxo
Tears trickled down Bella’s cheeks as she sat in a puddle of all the letters Lila had sent her over the years. They were all around her—she’d kept every single one, and after putting the boys to bed, she’d dragged them all out again. She’d brought the box over when she’d packed up her condo, but after Noah had found them that night, she’d stuffed it above the closet in Lila’s old room, and now she was going through every letter all over again, reliving her past, letter by letter. They’d written about nothing and everything, two sisters keeping in touch and writing the things they would have otherwise chatted about over the phone if Lila hadn’t been half a world away.
And now she was alone again, more alone than she’d ever been in her life. Except for one of her favorite letters from her sister, clasped tight in her hand.
She’d farewelled Noah ten days ago now, and she was at home by herself. Alone. She was tempted to go and curl up in one of the boys’ beds just to have a warm body tucked to hers. They were sleeping better than they had been, but they were still upset about Noah being gone, confused why he hadn’t been able to stay.
“Don’t go, Noah!” Cooper pleaded, hanging on to his leg like he was going to be able to stop him by strength alone.
“Please, Noah. Can’t you stay?”
Noah dropped to his haunches, put his arms around both boys, and hugged them tight. “I would stay if I could, guys, but I need you to be strong and look after Bella for me.”
He’d looked up at her, eyes warm yet sad. And she’d smiled and pretended like everything was okay.
“It won’t be for long. Noah will be back before you know it.”
“How long?” Cooper had demanded.
“I don’t know exactly how long, buddy, but I’ll be back as soon as I can. I need to do this, I have men depending on me.”
“Say good-bye to Noah, boys. We’ll see him again soon.”
“Bye, Noah,” Cooper mumbled.
“I love you,” Will had said, his brows furrowed, hands fisted like he was fighting tears, trying to be a big boy. “I love you this much.” He flung his arms up as high as they would go.
Noah had looked like his heart was going to break, hugging Will tight.
“I love you, too,” Cooper mumbled, stepping in for a hug.
Noah cleared his throat, glanced at Bella. “Me, too.”
If only Lila had known how Bella would end up feeling about him, how her letters had drawn them together. If only she’d told her about what Noah had done for her and Gray. But then her sister had always been amazing at keeping secrets, right from when they were little girls protecting each other from getting into trouble.
And now Noah was gone. He’d walked out the door and gone God only knew where. To fight to keep their country safe. She loved that he was so proud, that he did such important work, but it didn’t stop her from wishing he was safe at home. Even if he’d never be hers, she’d just found out the boys still had a father. He might not think he deserved the title yet, but she knew he did. After seeing him look after them, care for them, and take to parenting like a duck to water, even though he had no idea how good he was at it, he deserved to be their dad. Even if they never actually knew the truth of how they were conceived.
She slowly packed the letters up, put them in order back in the box. It took awhile until eventually they were all tucked away safe again. Bella tied the pink and white ribbon she’d always used to tie the box shut, and carried it up to bed with her, flicking out lights on her way up. Once she’d put the box away again, she turned, stared at the big, cold bed she should be getting into, and decided she couldn’t face it. She silently crept into the boy
s’ room, saw that Cooper was spread-eagled across his bed, but Will was tucked up on one side of his, leaving plenty of room for her. She was already wearing her PJs, so she pulled the covers back, lay down beside him, and tucked the covers up to their chins.
Now she understood why so many moms loved to snuggle with their kids. A few months of having warm little bodies against hers, and she was heartbroken at the thought of them growing up and not wanting to cuddle her any more.
“So how are you getting on, really?” Serena asked, sliding her cocktail down the bar toward her.
“I’m fine,” Bella said, gratefully placing the straw between her teeth and sucking a slow sip.
“You don’t have to put on a brave face, Bella. If you miss him like hell, just say it.” Serena’s bright blue eyes never left hers. She wasn’t easy to fool.
“The alternative is me bursting into tears and you having to take me home and feed me ice cream,” Bella said, holding her glass up in the air. “So let’s just say cheers to a night out and agree not to talk about him.”
Serena clinked her glass to Bella’s. “Cheers.”
“I have heard from him, though. He called to speak to the boys, but the line was terrible, and we’ve had a few weird, crackly calls since. Other than that, it’s just been emails.”
Serena’s smile was wicked. “I thought we weren’t talking about him?”
Bella groaned. “Sorry. I think about him all the time. I hardly do anything else, worrying about him not coming back, what I’ll tell the boys, how I’d cope if I lost someone else that I lo—”
Serena cleared her throat, and Bella coughed.
“I just don’t want him coming home in a body bag or not at all,” Bella muttered.
Her friend slung an arm around her and gave her a big hug.
“If anyone can cope with this, you can,” Serena said, holding her tight. They stayed like that for a long while, neither caring to move.
“And if I can’t?” Bella asked, biting hard on her bottom lip as it started to quiver, her telltale sign she was about to cry.
“You will. You’re stronger than you realize, B.”
“It’s just been so hard with him away. Before he arrived, I had this careful life all mapped out, and we stuck to my plan. We were making things work. And then Noah came along and drove me crazy, tipped everything on end, and brought so much fun and laughter into the boys’ lives.” She paused. “That’s why it’s so hard, because it’s not just me missing him; it’s them, too.”
They went back to sipping their drinks, seated together at the bar. Bella had been looking forward to a night out, just to hang with Serena and take a break for herself. Gray’s mom was staying, and she’d virtually pushed her out the door and locked it so she couldn’t get back in.
“This is potent,” Bella said, draining another third of her cocktail and deciding she no longer wanted to talk about Noah or the boys or anything related to the past year.
“I know—they’re delicious. I’m obsessed with mojitos right now.”
“Hi there, beautiful ladies,” came a deep, drawling voice from behind them.
Serena turned first, her smile dazzling. Bella almost giggled as she watched her friend turn on the charm.
“You look like you could use another drink,” the man said.
Bella considered him, wondered if she would have been more interested if it hadn’t been for Noah. The guy was handsome, with a Southern drawl, probably in town for business and looking to have some fun. Although from the look of it, it was Serena he was interested in. He was practically drooling over her gorgeous blonde friend.
“We’re just having a girls’ night,” Serena said. “Perhaps we’ll come over later and say hi.”
The man looked disappointed, but Serena had left him with some hope, and so he wasn’t completely dejected.
“We’ve got a nice little table over there,” he said, gesturing to the other side of the bar where tables were paired with booth seats covered in soft fabric and littered with cushions to make it a nice place to relax. “My friend has been checking this one out all night,” he said, glancing at Bella and grinning.
Bella laughed, avoiding eye contact but happy that at least one other man on the planet was interested in her. Serena managed to get rid of him, and they went back to leaning against the bar.
“You don’t have to stay with me. Go have fun if you want,” Bella told her.
“Seriously?” Serena said with a laugh. “I don’t like being a complete bitch when a guy gets up the nerve to come over and say hi, but I’m not going near them with a ten-foot pole!”
Bella leaned into her. “I’m so pleased I’ve got you to keep me sane.”
“Hey, that’s what I’m here for. To make you laugh and forget your troubles.”
“I love those boys so much,” Bella said, her head on Serena’s shoulder. “They’re so impossible sometimes, but seeing Will all dressed up as whatever superhero he is that day and watching Cooper build some new creation after pre-K—it just makes all the hardship worth it.”
“You’re a great mom,” Serena said. “Anyone can see that.”
Bella sighed. “But I’m still not their mom. I’m trying so hard, but I’m never going to be able to fill that void completely.”
“You don’t have to,” Serena said, squeezing her hand as she took a big long, last sip of her mojito. “You have to be the best aunt in the world. That’s all you can be, and I promise you, that’s enough.”
Bella finished her drink and pushed the glass away. “Can we go somewhere with loud music so we can dance?” she asked.
Serena grabbed her purse and slid off the chair. “I thought you’d never ask.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Six weeks later
Bella sat outside the principal’s office, waiting to be called in. She’d already picked Cooper up from pre-K, knowing that the meeting might run over time and result in her being late. She sighed, looking down at him playing with a toy Spiderman. They were both such good boys, but where Cooper had become very clingy with her and didn’t want her to leave him at pre-K, Will had happily gone off every morning, only to be disruptive in class. She knew that he was acting out; she just didn’t know quite what to do about it, especially given how angelic he was for her at home.
Eventually, the woman who’d originally seated her waved her over, and she touched Cooper’s shoulder, nodding for him to follow. He kept his toy clutched in one hand, and she took the other, walking him into the principal’s office with her. She felt like she was heading into the lion’s den, straight back to being a naughty schoolgirl all over again—except that had never been her because she’d rarely gotten into trouble.
“Good afternoon.”
She held out her hand. “Nice to see you again. I just wish it was under more, uh, well, happier circumstances.”
The principal smiled. “These things can happen. I wanted you here today to discuss our plan moving forward, so we can improve Will’s behavior.”
Bella nodded, opening her mouth to speak, before being interrupted.
“Sorry I’m late.”
Bella froze, turned slowly, jaw dropping. She couldn’t have been more shocked if her sister had just walked into the room.
“Noah?” she asked, convinced she was imagining him.
“Hi, Bella,” he said, voice deep and sexy all rolled into one. Noah dropped a kiss to her cheek, lips brushing her skin. “I picked up the message on my cell just after I arrived back in the country. I got here as quick as I could.”
“Noah!” Cooper had been so busy playing in the corner that it had taken him a moment to realize who was in the room.
“Hey, buddy!” He dropped to his haunches and opened his arms, Cooper hurtling toward him at full speed. Noah gave him a big hug, Cooper’s arms looped tight around his neck, then stood with the boy in his arms, to go sit beside Bella.
She was still in shock, certain she wouldn’t do anything more than stutter if s
he tried to open her mouth.
“I’m glad you’re both here,” the principal said.
“Fill me in,” Noah said. “Will’s been acting out?”
“He has been increasingly difficult for his teacher, who is of course very understanding of the trauma he’s been through, but today there was an incident where he hit another child. A boy said something to him, and he punched him rather hard in the face. His parents are quite agitated by the situation, as I’m sure you can understand.”
“We are so—” began Bella.
“What did the boy say?” Noah interrupted.
Bella stared at him, annoyed that he’d cut off her apology, but not wanting to cause a scene. “You jump straight to that?” she asked, keeping her voice as calm and polite as she could.
Noah turned to her, eyes crinkling ever so at the corners as he smiled at her. She refused to be sucked in, to remember what it was like to be in his gaze, to have that smile directed at her and only her when they were alone. She’d tried so hard to put all those thoughts behind her, to move forward while he was away, but now that he was back . . . impossible came to mind.
“Maybe I just don’t want to think the worst about a little boy who’s never done anything violent in his life, or maybe I just have a gut feeling that whatever was said justified the action.” He sighed. “And no, before either of you jump down my throat and tell me that violence should not be condoned under any situation, I don’t agree with that. I’m just trying to understand.”
Bella swiveled in her seat, digesting Noah’s words. The principal looked uncomfortable.
“My understanding is that the other boy made a taunt about Will’s parents being . . . er, dead.”
Noah stood then, Cooper on his hip, one arm looped around the child, looking every bit the scary SEAL. If it weren’t for the kid, Bella would have been recoiling into her seat herself from the ferocious look on his face.
“Let me get this straight,” Noah began, lowering his voice as he glanced first at Cooper, then stared the principal down. “You call me in here, away from work, under the pretense that our son has problems to deal with, when in fact he was taunted about his dead parents? Sorry, but all our kid did was punch a bully who deserved it, and unless you’re prepared to tell me different, that I’ve somehow gotten this story wrong, then I’m walking out that door right now and taking our boys with me.”
