by Soraya Lane
Bella gulped. She might have been doing perfectly fine without him while he was away, but she was damn happy to have him here as backup right now. He looked at her, and she stood, wanting to show him her support, show the principal that they were a united front. It didn’t make sense not to be firmly in his camp right now.
“Sir, we don’t condone violence here.”
“And the real world doesn’t condone bullies,” Noah shot back. “In the world I live in, no one gets away with talking smack like that other kid did.”
He gave the principal one last glare and then nodded to Bella. She gathered her purse and marched out after him, too scared not to and feeling liberated for doing what she knew in her heart was right. Will was waiting for them when they emerged from the office, his entire face lighting up when he saw Noah.
“Noah!” he yelled, jumping from his chair.
Noah passed Cooper to her, and she cuddled the little boy while Noah embraced Will, holding him very tight. They stayed like that a long time, and when Noah finally pulled back, she could see that both of them had tears in their eyes.
They all walked, both of them carrying a child, and when they were out of the building, Noah slowed. “Buddy, tell me what went down today. I’m not angry with you. I just want to know what the other boy said.”
“He’s been teasing me for ages, telling me I’m the only kid with dead parents,” Will admitted, head down, staring at Noah’s chest.
Noah tucked his thumb under Will’s chin, forcing him to raise it. “That’s not okay. You should have told Bella.”
“I know.”
“And what else did he say today?”
“That my dad was probably a chickenshit soldier.” Will glanced at her. “Sorry for swearing.”
“It’s okay,” Bella said, smiling. “You’re just repeating what he said.” She couldn’t believe other six- or seven-year-olds were even saying things like that!
“Anything else?”
“That I was gonna end up in some place for unwanted kids. Foster something.”
Bella saw the way Noah’s body tensed, knew how much those words would cut deep for him personally.
“That’s never going to happen, you hear me?” Noah ground out, voice husky, dragged over gravel it sounded so painful. He set Will down and placed his hands on his shoulders. “When I was a little boy, that’s what happened to me. And I would never, ever let the same happen to you, okay? Bella and I love you so much, boys, and no matter what happens or what changes, that will always remain true.”
Bella had tears welling in her eyes, emotion pooling in her belly. “Noah’s right,” she said, “you boys will always be loved and cared for by us. And you have grandparents who would do anything for you, too.”
She hugged Cooper even tighter to her and watched as Noah did the same to Will.
“I love you,” she heard Will mumble.
“Me, too,” Noah said back.
They started walking to the parking lot when it hit her. Noah had never said ‘I love you’ back to the boys. He either stiffened up, nodded, or said, “Me, too.” Not once had she ever heard him tell the boys directly that he loved them.
“Want me to take them both back in my car?” Bella asked.
“I actually got a cab here. Long story short, but I really hauled ass to make this appointment.”
“Then I guess we’re all going in mine,” she said, grinning at the boys. “How about we get ice cream on the way home?”
The boys both cheered, and she was happy, loving the fact that they were smiling and content, even if Will had had a tough day. Being around Noah again had unsettled her, but she was just going to have to learn live with it.
Noah had made up an excuse to get out of the house. He’d spent weeks away, had been in the pits of hell, and now he’d been thrust back into domestic life like he’d just been away working a normal job. And then he’d seen Bella, and all his goddamn intentions of staying in control and not giving in to how he felt about her disappeared like they’d never existed in the first place. Her wide mouth, honey-blonde hair, and soulful dark eyes had flicked a switch, and it was more than the way she looked. It was the way she made him feel, like he could draw her into his arms, and somehow everything would be okay.
He sucked in a breath and jumped in his SUV, gunning the engine into life and starting to drive. He’d been going to head back home, to Gray’s parents’ house, but there was no one he could talk to there. Not about the stuff he needed to talk about. He’d been debriefed, talked with his boys after they got home, all the usual stuff, but this time he was struggling.
Because he’d also said yes to the big new job, and it scared the crap out of him.
Twenty minutes later, he found himself parked outside Bella’s family home. He stared at the front door, debating whether to knock or just turn around and head home again. Noah slumped, one hand working the steering wheel, gripping it tight, then letting go, before repeating the action again.
And then the door swung open, and Bella’s father walked out, straight backed like he was still a Marine, not stopping until he was standing outside Noah’s door. He put the window down.
“Afternoon, sir,” Noah said.
“Son, are you just gonna sit there all day, staring at my house, or come on in?”
Noah chuckled. “Staring seemed like a good idea there for a while.”
James motioned with his head and turned, heading back the way he’d come, and Noah got out and followed him, straight through the house and to a couple of big chairs facing the yard.
“Make yourself comfortable,” James said. “I’ll go grab us a couple of beers.”
Noah sat, a million things running through his mind and not one of them ready to be spoken yet. He took the beer when it was passed to him, and Bella’s dad dropped down beside him. They sat in silence for a long while, enough time for Noah to slowly sip half his beer or more, before James finally spoke up.
“I’m guessing by the fact you found your way here that you need an ear.”
Noah nodded. “I was going somewhere else, and then . . .”
“You know I’ll keep your secrets. You need to talk, talk. It doesn’t do anyone any good holding that shit in.”
Noah blew out a big breath. “We justify what we do by telling ourselves we’re ridding the world of evil. That it’s okay to take a life to protect our country, so long as the threat is real.”
“You don’t believe that anymore?” James asked.
Noah grunted. “Hell no, I still believe it.”
Bella’s dad took a pull of beer. “Then I’m not sure what you’re asking me.”
He sat a bit longer, gathering his thoughts, not wanting to break his oath and disclose anything he shouldn’t. “I’ve been doing this job a long time, have been to places that made my training during Hell Week seem easy, but I’ve never, ever shot a woman.” He closed his eyes, relived the moment, fingers clenching tight around his beer bottle. “Until now.”
They were silent for a while again, neither needing to say anything.
“You want to talk about it?” James finally asked.
“Nothing to say, really,” Noah told him, eyes still trained straight ahead. “I was protecting my boys, and I was staring down the lens, keeping watch as sniper, and a woman was suddenly holding a grenade. She was already dead, was about to pull it, take out innocent people and maybe one of my guys. I didn’t hesitate, took the shot, but there was something about squeezing that trigger and taking a woman’s life.” He finished his beer in one last, long sip. “I keep replaying it over and over, but I couldn’t have made any other decision. It was my only option, and I did what I had to do.”
“And now you’re back.” James spoke softly, and Noah turned to him, knowing that he understood, that he’d been where Noah was now, knew what it was like in a way that civilians just couldn’t, no matter how hard they tried.
“Yeah, now I’m back.” Noah sighed. “I’m back playing dad, li
ving in a house with your daughter, and pretending like I’m a regular guy instead of a killer. When in fact I’ve never wanted to be the normal guy.”
“And yet here you are.”
“Yep, here I am.”
“Want another beer?”
“Would love one, but I’m driving and I have to get back.” Noah checked that he’d drained the bottle and grinned.
“You gonna be okay, son?”
“I’m sharing a house with a woman who’s the kind of girl I should be settling down with and marrying, and instead I’m trying to run as fast in the other direction as possible because I’m scared shitless of the way I feel. I’m in love with two little boys who I can’t even say those words to because it scares me even more, and I’ve just said yes to a job that’s gonna see me leave active duty and start making decisions that involve the possibility of direct meetings with the president.” He balled his fists. “So no, ‘okay’ is probably not the right word to describe how I feel right now.”
James started to laugh, his big chest heaving, and it only took Noah a few seconds to join in. It was either laugh or cry, and right now this was feeling like the better option.
“Noah, let me set you straight here. Talking about my daughter doesn’t come easy, not when it involves a man, but if she’s driving you crazy in a good way, then see the woods for the trees and man up. You don’t meet a woman every day that makes you question the man you are, and it takes a lot for me to say that.” James chuckled. “Someone said to me when I had two girls that they felt sorry for me because I had to worry about all the penises out there in the world, and they only had to worry about one, ’cause they only had one son.”
Noah laughed hard then. “Sorry, sir. I don’t want you having to worry about—er, mine.”
James slapped him on the back. “I’d like to be only worrying about yours and no other man’s, that’s for sure!” Then his tone turned more somber, his face serious. “But Noah, I don’t care what shit you’ve been through now or when you were a kid, it’s time to looks those boys in the eye and tell them you love them. Just spit the words out. And if you’ve made the decision to stand down as an active-duty SEAL, then that’s your call. If you know deep down that you’ve done it for the right reasons, everything will work out for the best. Trust me on that.” He grinned. “And stop calling me ‘sir,’ goddamn it!”
Noah rose, holding out his hand. James clasped it, his grip as firm and unrelenting as his eye contact.
“And if you want my blessing to be with my daughter, you have it.”
“That’s not why I came here today.”
“I know, but if it turns out that way . . .” James shrugged, a smile on his face.
Noah turned to leave, pleased he’d stopped by, then almost bumped smack bang into Bella’s mom as he passed through the living room.
“Noah! What a nice surprise.” She reached for him, standing on tiptoe to embrace him and kiss his cheek. “When did you arrive home?”
He returned the hug, amazed at how welcome Bella’s parents always made him feel. They were like Gray’s family—genuine people who had the kind of home life he’d once thought was bullshit.
“I arrived back a few hours ago. Spent last night on base, then rushed back to see the boys.”
“Is Bella okay? We didn’t see a lot of her while you were away. She was quiet, unusually quiet.”
Noah nodded. “We’ve, ah . . .” He wasn’t exactly sure what to say.
“You want to stay for a coffee? I have cookies I baked this morning.”
He smiled. “Thanks, but I’d better get back.”
“Let me quickly put some in a container for the boys. Something nice for them for after dinner.”
“Sounds good.”
She dashed around, filling the container and talking as she worked. “Noah, I sent a letter today. The last one.”
His heart sank. Bella would be heartbroken.
“Do you know if she’s received it yet?”
He shook his head. “No, but I think I’ll head straight home.”
Christine touched his shoulder. “It’s been hard on me, sending these letters at the times Lila instructed. But she asked me not to interfere, to do as she asked, and I’ve done my best. But I think this one is going to be tough. Knowing there are no more.”
“I’ll head straight back. She’ll be fine.”
“You know, she made it clear that I had to wait a full month, but that if you were away, I had to wait until you were home. She wanted you both there.”
Her hand left his shoulder, but it was like she was still holding on to him. He stayed standing, waiting. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”
“You always managed to rough Bella up the wrong way, get her all riled up, but I think even then it was because she was scared about the way you made her feel. You’re good for her, Noah, and if you let her in, I think you’d see she’d be good for you, too.”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to convince me about her being good for me, Christine. Trouble is that I’m not good enough for her.”
She tut-tutted. “You might think you’re some broken soul who can’t be saved, but you’re not, Noah. You’re a good man who deserves a good woman, and instead of being happy, the two of you are so darn pigheaded that you’ll probably both end up miserable just to spite yourselves.”
Noah ducked his head, not ready to face up to her words. “Thanks for the cookies.”
“No trouble. And you just drop those boys around here whenever you need to, you hear?”
He grinned to himself as he walked out the front door. The only other people in his life who’d ever been able to call him a dickhead and get away with it were his boys, his brothers in the Navy, Lila, or Gray. Yet he’d just taken as good a whippin’ from Bella’s mom. Given how crappy he’d felt earlier, he was just happy to be smiling again.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
November 2014
Dear Bella,
Sending you these letters has either been the best thing I’ve ever done or the worst. Maybe it ripped the wound open even further, made you miss me more, or maybe it made you feel like I was still near. Either way, I want you to know that I love you so much, and I only did this to try to be there for you and make you happy.
Noah is a great guy, and at the very least I hope you can walk through this life with him as an ally. God only knows, the boys adore him, and I hope he’s opened up to you about . . . everything.
What I’ve asked of you, to look after my boys and be their mom, is something no woman should ever have to ask of another. But I trust you so much and I know that in time they’ll forget all about me and think of you as their real mom anyway. Don’t shake your head at me either, because I’m a realist enough to know that even if you show them my picture and kiss my photo every night, I’ll one day be no more than a very blurry memory.
And so this is when I tell you that this is my last letter. Don’t cry or yell at me or curse, just accept that I love you. I would write a thousand of these if I could, but the truth is, I can’t. It’s been so hard on me writing what I have, thinking that one day they might actually be sent. Because that’ll mean I’m gone and I’ve left everyone I love behind.
Each letter so far, every date, was actually a real date that Gray took me on when we first met. I first caught a glimpse of him at a bar, when we were both sober drivers, and the next day he found me, and we went to the beach and ate cheap and cheerful Mexican food from paper plates. Then he took me on a real date to the Italian place, the same place we went every wedding anniversary when we were both home, and then it was showing off our skills at the shooting range. The hike was next, such a short time later, but it was when he told me he loved me . . . and that he was being deployed the next morning. I sobbed my heart out that night, wishing we’d had longer, worrying about him. Realizing what my own family went through when I was deployed myself. And then he came home after months away, and we went to the fair. That was the night
he proposed, and it was the best night of my life. Some people will tell you it was meeting their babies for the first time that was the most special, but for me it was seeing the look in Gray’s eyes when he told me he loved me, that he wanted me to be his wife. Although watching as he cradled Will and then Cooper for the first time was a pretty close second.
This is good-bye Bella, but it’s a good-bye filled with more love than you could imagine. Be kind to Noah, let him look after you, and kiss those boys every night with love in your heart and endless patience in your mind. I love you more than words can express. To the best sister in the world, the best Barbie-doll player, the fastest runner, the biggest bitch when you didn’t get your own way, the most caring aunt. I’ll miss you.
Lila xoxo
The sob that escaped Bella’s lips sounded more animal than human. She clamped her hand over her mouth, tried so hard to stay quiet, but it was impossible. The pain filled her entire body, every inch of it, raw and stabbing. Another cry echoed out before she could stop it, her body shaking so hard it was uncontrollable.
“Hey!” Noah’s deep voice rang out. “Hey!” Louder this time, his arms wrapping around her.
She was on the pavement, slumped outside, but Noah’s big body was holding her together, keeping her from falling apart completely. His arms were firm, strong, his lips to her ear, whispering words that she knew were supposed to comfort, but she didn’t hear a thing.
“Bella, it’s okay,” he said, not letting go for a second. “It’s okay.”
She fought for air, struggled to catch her breath.
“I’ve got you, Bella, I’ve got you,” he murmured directly into her air.
“The letter,” she managed. “Lila . . .”
Noah sighed, his chest moving against her back. “I know. It’s the last one.”
