Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

Bella blinked away tears that burned like acid. She’d known it was going to happen, that there was no way they could keep going. Noah had even made mention of it one night, making a joke about it, but she knew he’d been trying to warn her.

  “It was her saying good-bye. Explaining”—she shut her eyes tight, the tears too hard to fight—“everything. I don’t want it to be the last. It can’t be. I need her, I need her so bad.”

  “She didn’t mean to hurt you, to make this harder,” Noah said. “There’s no way she would have wanted to do anything other than show you she loved you.”

  Bella nodded, feeling stupid. Noah was so strong, and she was showing herself to be weak, so not in control. She’d gone weeks without him, been determined not to need him, and yet here she was in his arms again. In the arms of a man who’d so emphatically turned her down.

  “This must seem pathetic to you,” she muttered. “I just can’t seem to hold anything together, not when it has to do with Lila.”

  Noah hugged her tighter, his cheek pressed to hers. “You think I don’t cry just because I’m a tough Navy guy? No freaking way. When Gray died, I blubbered like a baby, and I’d be a damn mess if it wasn’t for having to hold it together around the boys. And you.”

  She pulled away from him, turned in his arms, still holding the letter and being careful not to crumple it. “You don’t have to be strong for me, Noah.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, I do. And besides, I want to be.”

  She touched his face, palm flat to his cheek, looking up into his eyes. Eyes that had become so familiar to her but still managed to send shivers down her spine whenever they were trained on her. “You don’t have to stay unless you want to be here, Noah. I wouldn’t hold it against you, not after everything you’ve done for us. Taking all this on isn’t something you voluntarily signed up for. You don’t need to be here.”

  “And you?” he asked, his expression suddenly full of what appeared to be fury. “You think I’m the way I am with you out of some sense of duty? That I’ve been here every day just because a bit of paper said I should be? Because I was a sperm donor for your sister?”

  She bit her lip, hard. “I just want you to know that you can walk away, that it wouldn’t make me think any less of you, not after everything you’ve already done for us. For me.” Bella pulled her hand back, self-conscious now, when before touching him had seemed so natural. “And for the record, I know you’re here because you loved Gray. And Lila. That you’re doing this because you loved them, not just because of what you did for them when they couldn’t conceive.” She sighed. “You told me how you felt before you left, Noah, and I respect that. I get it.”

  His grimace faded, chest visibly rising with another big breath. “We were doing okay, weren’t we? Before I went and fucked everything up.”

  She nodded, wiping under her eyes, realizing she must be all black panda from crying. She’d been in to work earlier, eye makeup all done because she was seeing clients, and now she was a hot mess. She was at least grateful that he’d seen her at school earlier, looking half decent.

  “You think the neighbors are wondering what the hell we’re doing out here?” she asked with a laugh.

  Noah chuckled, moving forward, his body even closer to hers all of a sudden. “Want to actually give them something to look at?”

  Bella studied his face, stared into his eyes, lifted her hand to touch his cheek again. She ran her fingers down to his jaw, her other hand pressed flat to his cheek.

  “What happened to not wanting anything more? To wanting out of whatever was going on between us?”

  “Screw that,” he muttered. “I was a jerk—still am, but now I’m a jerk who knows that he almost wrecked the one good thing he had, when it was just within his grasp.”

  “So what exactly are you proposing?” she asked.

  Noah’s expression was intense, his eyes on her mouth. He cupped the back of her head, never lifting his gaze. “I reckon my lips on yours would be a damn good start,” he muttered. “Every goddamn day for the rest of our lives.”

  Bella could hardly breath, could only think about Noah, about what he was about to do, about how his lips would feel. His mouth was soft, then crushing, when it finally happened, when he finally closed the distance between them and made it happen. Her body was alight, full of anticipation where before it had been shuddering, drowning in pain. She should have pushed him away, still been angry with him for hurting her with his words before he left, but she couldn’t be. There was no more fight left in her, not when it came to Noah, to the man she’d been pining for ever since he’d left, wishing they could have been less screwed up. That they could have given in to their feelings instead of both fighting what was so good between them.

  “Noah, what’re you doing to Bella?!”

  Noah laughed as he pulled her in tighter, ignoring Cooper calling from the front door. Bella didn’t care either, couldn’t have cared less who could see them. Because in Noah’s arms, everything felt right, like she was safe and cocooned and sheltered from the world. They had a lot to talk about, a hell of a lot to figure out, but she was ready to start the conversation.

  “Kissing her!” Noah yelled back when he finally took his lips from hers.

  Bella laughed so hard it made her cheeks ache and her belly hurt.

  “But she’s a girl!” Cooper exclaimed.

  She laughed harder and Noah cracked up. “Coop, that’s exactly why I’m kissing her!”

  “Cooties!” he yelled, exasperated. “Now you’ve gone and gotten girl cooties!”

  “Where the hell do they hear this stuff from?” Noah asked, head bent to hers. “And why are they always interrupting us?”

  “No idea, but it’s pretty cute,” Bella replied, thankful to have the boys and Noah to pull her through and make her giggle when moments earlier she’d felt at her lowest, like she was all alone at the bottom of a dark pit.

  They sat and watched the boys race down the front steps, running across the yard. She had no idea who was trying to get who, but they were both smiling and that’s all she cared about.

  “When I got the letter, my first thought was that you were home, and I didn’t have a sitter booked. At least I don’t have to worry about that.”

  Noah glanced down, moving her so she was still sitting between his legs, but facing away from him now, her back to his chest again. She let her head loll back, leaning into him and loving the hardness of his body and the softness of his touch as he thrummed his fingers up and down over her bare arms.

  “We’re going out tonight anyway,” he said. “But this time we don’t need a sitter. I’ll organize your mom for Saturday instead.”

  She leaned back hard so she could tip her head and look up at him. “What’s Saturday?” she asked. “And how can we be going somewhere tonight, but not need a sitter?”

  He grinned. “Because tonight we’re going for Italian again, only this time we’re taking the boys. And on Saturday, well, we’re doing a date, just you and me. We don’t need Lila telling us what to do all the time.”

  She smiled. “So what is it?”

  “What?” he asked back.

  She rolled her eyes. “The date. What are we doing?”

  “You’ll have to wait and see.” This time his smile was smug.

  “Why, because you haven’t figured it out yet?”

  He laughed and pushed up to his feet, holding out a hand for her. She took it, palm to palm with him, letting him haul her up. Once she was standing, there was only a foot or so between them, separating them. Her heart started to race again when his eyes dropped to her lips; he was looking at her like he was ready to devour her. But this time the kiss was fast—warm, teasing, delicious, but fleeting.

  “You’ll just have to wait and see.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  November 2014

  Dear Noah,

  This letter is for your eyes only, and if you’ve received it, then it means you’re getting serious about my sist
er. I’ve always imagined you guys together, been all girly and pathetic and dreamed up double dates. Of course Gray would always groan and tell me I had rocks for brains! Bella is stubborn and proud and determined, all traits I’d probably use to describe you actually, and maybe that’s why you always butted heads. But you have to promise me that you’ll treat her right, that you won’t hurt her. She deserves a real man like you, and I want you to promise that you’ll be sensitive when she needs you to be. Just promise me that you’ll have her back, that if you let something happen between you, it’s because you’re prepared to go all the way. You need to let her in, tell her all your truths, let her see the real you. The one I’ve seen, and the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden even from Gray.

  I give you my blessing, Noah, a thousand times over. If I’d met you instead of Gray, I’d have probably fallen for you myself. Your problem is that you don’t believe in yourself enough. You’re one of the most respected members of SEAL Team 3—I know that, and you know that—but your job isn’t what defines you. It’s your heart and your courage and your willingness to put others before yourself. At some point, you won’t be a SEAL, though, and you’re going to have to learn to love and be loved if you want to keep being that gorgeous, courageous man willing to put everything on the line.

  Don’t be scared, Noah. Just be brave.

  I’ll always love you for the brother you’ve been to my husband, the friend you’ve been to me, and the uncle you’ve been to my kids. They wouldn’t even be here without you, and every night before bed I thank God for bringing you into our lives.

  Now it’s time to say my final good-bye. I love you.

  Lila xoxo

  Noah was nervous. A hand-clenching, needing-to-pace, pissing-himself-off kind of nervous. Which was stupid, because they were only going out to dinner with the kids, but he needed to tell Bella something. Needed to man up and just get the words out. Trouble was, he didn’t recall being this nervous when he was going off on his first deployment, or waiting to start his BUD/S training.

  “Noah?”

  He jumped up, having just dropped into a chair at the kitchen table.

  “The kids are just goofing around upstairs. They’ll be ready when we are.” She frowned. “You okay?”

  He shook his head, about to tell her that no, he wasn’t okay, then changed his mind. “You know all that bullshit I said when we were hiking? Any chance you could just forget it all and give me a second chance?”

  Bella’s eyebrows shot up, her mouth parting as she stared at him. He could have laughed at the expression on her face, except he was still shitting himself about all the things he needed to say.

  “I’ve said plenty of things to you that I wish I could take back,” she said, her smile returning, eyes soft as she looked back at him, caring. Maybe that’s why she scared him so much, because he knew how sweet she was now that he’d gotten to know her properly, and just how easy it’d be for him to hurt her.

  “I go out and do my job, keep my cool and stay calm for days or even weeks or months, and yet trying to talk to you . . .” he muttered. “I don’t know what you’ve done to me. I think it was talking to your mom that rattled me.”

  This time Bella’s eyebrows shot up so high it did make him chuckle.

  “You talked to my mom?” she demanded. “When? Why?”

  He grinned. “Now look who’s all bent out of shape.”

  “Noah! I’m serious.”

  He sat back down again, indicating for her to do the same. She did, but she still looked alarmed. “It was no big deal. I just needed someone to talk to, and somehow I ended up at your folks place, talking to your dad. About war and stuff.”

  “Uh-huh.” She looked more relaxed now. “And then my mom—”

  “It was nothing. I just . . .” Now it was him ending his sentence without finishing. “Your mom just helped me put some things into perspective. About you. How I feel.”

  Bella looked exasperated. “You talked about your feelings with my mom!” She shook her head. “I need a glass of whiskey, something strong.”

  Noah laughed, fought the urge to keep the rest of what he had to say bottled up, made himself reach for her, to open up and connect with her. “You don’t need a glass of anything, and I didn’t tell her anything. She just saw something in me, kind of like Lila always did. That’s all.”

  Bella seemed calmer, not so alarmed. “The whole time you were gone, I was imagining us living here for the next fifteen years, some crazy dysfunctional family, with you and I dating other people but being under the same roof. Trying to keep things normal for the boys and screwing them up in the process.”

  Noah swallowed, stroked her hand, looked into her chocolate-brown eyes and drew on every inch of his strength. “I don’t want to screw up the boys, and I sure as hell don’t want to screw up what we had.”

  Her smile was sad. “You make it sound like it’s already gone. Past tense.”

  “Maybe it has.” He linked his fingers with hers, shrugged. “But now maybe we can start over and check all the bullshit and fear at the door.”

  She bit down on her lower lip, watching him for a long beat before finally answering. “I’d like that.”

  “You remember that time Gray and Lila tried to set us up?”

  Bella’s other hand flew to her mouth, her giggling hysterical, making her sound more girl than woman. It cracked him up.

  “Ugh, you were vile. So arrogant and self-centered. And you tried to tell me you were a diamond trader when I knew full well you were military.”

  “Hey, a million girls before you believed that story. In fact, it was my most convincing. Aside from the one about me being a chocolatier.”

  “A million?” She groaned.

  “Okay, maybe a hundred. Oooh, and I forgot about the one when I told a very pretty drunk girl that I was a highly successful male stripper, touring the world. That one cracked the guys up when I told them.”

  They were both laughing now, but he never let go of her hand, not for a second.

  “You’re disgusting, but I’m not surprised she fell for it.”

  “Oh yeah?” Noah felt good—happy and content. It had been a long time since he’d genuinely felt like that away from work.

  “So you all make up nonsense when you meet strangers, right? It’s not just you?”

  “We don’t need anyone to know what we do. It’s a SEAL thing. Maybe it’s why so few of us make it through training, because the ones who go in for the glory and recognition don’t have the mental toughness to finish. That’s why I don’t believe your douchebag ex ever made it.”

  Bella was still smiling when she squeezed his hand. “I’ve said some pretty dumb things to you and my family about military careers. I hate the idea of losing someone I love, but what you’ve chosen to do for a career, Noah? It’s amazing. You are one of the most selfless, incredible people I’ve ever met.”

  “I don’t know about all that, but I’ll take it anyway,” he said.

  She had tears in her eyes, but they never fell. He didn’t want to see her cry, to be the cause of it, but at the same time he was ready to wipe every drop away if he needed to. He wasn’t running any longer. All his life he’d run, had become very good at it, but not this time. Not with Bella.

  “I get it now, the guy you were pretending to be. You didn’t need me to know you were a SEAL, but I took it as you being so arrogant, the way you were. I’m proud of you, and I will always be proud to tell the boys what their Uncle Noah does for a job. Just like I’m proud to have that flag flying out front, and of what my sister and dad have done for our country.”

  Noah blinked away his own tears, not used to being so emotional. He wasn’t into feelings, never had been, but then he’d never opened up before either. “I have something to tell you.”

  Bella looked worried. She went to pull her hand away but he tightened his grip, didn’t want to lose the connection he had with her in case he changed his mind. Even though he’d accepted
the job offer, he bet they’d have him back on active duty on SEAL Team 3 in a heartbeat. He was one of the most experienced guys on the team, which was why it had been so hard for him to step down.

  “I’ve taken early retirement from active duty,” he said, almost choking on the words as they came out, not sure when he’d ever planned on saying them in his career. “A few opportunities have come up, which I always end up being pushed toward, but I’ve always refused, wanting to stay with my guys, be on the ground doing what I love.”

  “You’re not going to be a SEAL anymore?” she asked, her words more of a gasp. Now it was Bella’s fingers tightening around his.

  “I’ve taken a staff position. I’ll be a senior staff member, reporting directly to the Pentagon. I can’t say anymore, not until I’m cleared to, but I’m not going to be deployed again. This was the last time.”

  Bella never said a thing, stayed so silent he wondered if she’d actually heard him.

  “Bella?”

  She started to shake her head. “No.” she said. “No, no, no. Please tell me you didn’t do this for me? For the boys? No matter what I’ve said in the past, I’d never want you to give up what you love. Never.”

  Noah’s heart was heavy, the weight of his decision huge, but he was also at peace with the choice he’d made. It felt like a new challenge: a scary one, but a good one. “This was always my exit strategy, Bella. It’s just happening a few years earlier than I expected it to. And it’s my choice.”

  “But . . .”

  He got out of his chair and dropped to his knees, holding both her hands now, staring into her eyes. “Bella, you and the boys mean so much to me. I loved my job, but those kids need a dad to be here with them, not to be worrying about losing me, too. And I want to be around. Hell, I’ve dodged more bullets and gotten myself out of so much shit when others haven’t. It’s time for me to just live a normal life. Or as normal a life as I can.” He held her tight. “There’s a reason that almost all SEAL marriages end in divorce, Bella, because we can’t be there for the people we care about and do our jobs justice. It’s just that I’ve never had anything in my life I’ve wanted more than my job before.”