Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs

by Jackie French

  ‘Huh! All this fuss about a little lava. Back when I defeated the—’

  ‘Run, you senile old fool!’

  ‘I’ll show you senile! Pass me my sword! No, not my gourd. My sword!’

  GLOP GLOOP!

  Boo stepped back hurriedly into the wormhole as a wave of glowing rock seeped towards him.

  ‘Calm down! Nothing to worry about.’ Dr Mussells swung past from rock to rock, but still somehow able to eat a banana. ‘Just a little eruption. Soon be under control…’

  Boo poked his head out of the wormhole. ‘But, sir, how?’

  ‘Dahlia the Dazzler and Gloria the Gorgeous are down in the pit now. Pitted against the volcano, eh? They’ll soon have it fixed. You won’t need to pause then. Pause, paws…get it?’

  ‘Ha ha, sir. But—’ began Boo. How could two ancient Heroes cope with an erupting volcano? Yet, even as he spoke, five fingers tipped with bright red nails grasped the edge of the pit, followed by the rest of Dahlia. Her red wig looked singed. She bent down and hauled up Gloria. Behind them the volcano gave a final gloop and then was silent.

  Boo stared down at the gently seething lava. ‘How did you do that?‘

  Dahlia flashed him a smile. ‘Dazzled it, boy, er, wolf. Even volcanoes can‘t resist Dahlia the Dazzler. My new perfume helped, too.‘

  ‘Huh.’ Gloria the Gorgeous poked her in the ribs. ‘Why were you carrying that plug then?’ She reached down and hauled her walking frame out of the volcano.

  ‘Plug? There wasn‘t any plug. And your wig‘s on crooked.‘

  Boo shook his head. Heroes just…did things. And if you were lucky they might teach you how. (Though in Dahlia‘s and Gloria‘s cases he wasn‘t sure they were techniques he wanted to learn.)

  He put out a paw cautiously. The thin layer of lava had cooled enough to walk on—or run across. He sprinted across the ledge after Dr Mussells, into the main school cavern, trying to ignore the pain and smell of burning fur.

  At least the floor was coolish in here. He bent down and licked the lava off his paws, shook a few drops off his coat, then looked around. But all the school caverns were empty. Even Dr Mussells had vanished into his office.

  Had all the students been swallowed by the volcano? But he’d come to school early, he reminded himself. He shivered, despite the heat. Why was he nervous? After all, Level 4s were allowed to organise their own Expeditions. He had every right to go to the Ghastly Otherwhen—the most fearsome place in the universes, from which no Hero had ever escaped—taking his two best friends (or three if he could convince Princess Princess to come too, or four if you counted the mouse) into danger, terror and possible disaster…

  Boo gulped. So that was why he was nervous.

  He forced his tail up to a jaunty angle. It was time to tell Dr Mussells about the Expedition. Maybe the principal could convince even more students to join them…and a few retired Heroes or teachers. He might have a few helpful hints about Expeditions, too.

  Boo was a Level 4, not a new kid, well, puppy, any more. He had the School Medal for Outstanding Heroism.

  Dr Mussells had to say yes.

  BOGEY AND BANANA RIPPLE

  INGREDIENTS:

  1 BANANA

  1 BOGEY

  METHOD:

  THROW THE BANANA AT THE BOGEY.

  THEN WATCH THE BOGEY RIPPLE.

  FROM THE SCHOOL FOR HEROES BIFF! BAM! COOKBOOK

  CONTRIBUTED BY DR VB MUSSELLS, PHD, DIP (BANANAS)

  5

  The Way to the Ghastly Otherwhen

  ‘No,’ said Dr Mussells.

  Boo sat back on his haunches and stared at the principal. He’d never seen Dr Mussells like this before, sitting at his desk, his face grim. Dr Mussells should have been hanging from the ceiling, munching a banana and making (lame) jokes.

  ‘But, sir, Level 4s can choose their own assignments. And I choose the Ghastly Otherwhen.’

  ‘Even though you know it’s certain death?’

  Boo gulped. ‘Er, how about uncertain death? We can do it, sir!’ he added more urgently, wagging his tail. ‘There’s no one to rule the Ghastly Otherwhen now the Greedle is gone. Even if it’s full of bogeys they’ll be leaderless—’

  ‘So you think a werewolf puppy can succeed where all other Heroes have failed?’

  ‘But that’s why we might succeed, sir. Big fierce Heroes attract attention. But kids could sneak in—’

  ‘And rescue your mother?’ Dr Mussells gazed at him for a moment, then reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a banana. He began to peel it with his feet, while one hand tapped a pen on his desk.

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  Tap, tap, tap. ‘The answer is still no,’ said Dr Mussells. He took a bite out of his banana, stared at it as though it was suddenly tasteless, then threw it in the bin.

  ‘You can’t stop me!’ It was out of Boo’s mouth before he knew he was going to say it.

  Dr Mussells took up his pen again.

  ‘True. I can’t stop you. But I won’t help you, either.’ Tap, tap, tap. ‘How are you going to find the Ghastly Otherwhen?’

  ‘I’ve been thinking, sir. When you sent us out to the Universe of Golden Grass and to the Universe of Glug we didn’t follow anyone there. You programmed the school bus to take us there the first time. And we just seemed to head to Glug as we walked in the tunnels.’

  Tap, tap, tap. Dr Mussells’s tiny hands and feet looked strangely empty without a banana. ‘So you think I know the secret of getting to other universes?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  The principal stopped tapping. ‘Well, I do. But Level 4 or not, you’ll have to find out the secret yourself.’ A look almost of anguish passed across the old monkey’s face. ‘I have sent students out to face many horrors, Boojum Bark. But I will not—not—send anyone to the Ghastly Otherwhen. Dismissed.’

  ‘But, sir—’

  ‘Go!’

  Boo paused at the door. There was one more thing he had to ask. He turned back. The principal was still staring into space, the look of pain back as though it was frozen on his furry face.

  ‘Sir? It’s not about the Ghastly Otherwhen,’ he added quickly, as Dr Mussells’s wrinkles turned furious. ‘It’s about Yesterday. I don’t mean what happened yesterday…I mean, yes, I do. I really mean, is Yesterday in any trouble?’

  The principal’s furry face relaxed. ‘Because she brought a ferocious dinosaur capable of ripping students and teachers limb from limb to the school dance?’

  ‘Er…yes, sir.’

  ‘No, of course not,’ said Dr Mussells. ‘This is the School for Heroes, boy, I mean wolf. Anyone who can’t cope with a ferocious dinosaur shouldn’t be here.’ He reached into his desk and pulled out another banana. This time he seemed to enjoy it. ‘What’s a school dance without a monster attack, heh? You should have seen the school dances when I was young. A complete bun fight. Bun fight. Get it?’

  Boo breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Ha ha, sir. Then she’ll be here as usual today?’

  ‘No,’ said Dr Mussells.

  ‘But—’ began Boo.

  ‘Have a banana,’ said the principal kindly. Boo grabbed the banana out of the air before it hit his nose. ‘So…Yesterday didn’t tell you?’

  ‘Tell me what?’

  ‘She’s finished her schooling here. She’s a Level 4 now. The Guardians believe that’s enough education for a slave.’

  ‘You mean she’s not coming back to school? Ever?’

  The principal nodded.

  ‘But…but that’s not fair!’ Yesterday had been made a Level 4 for saving the school—just like Mug and Boo himself. And now her Heroism had been rewarded by this!

  For a second Dr Mussells’s monkey face softened. ‘Her owners have put her back to work.’

  ‘Feeding the dinosaurs? Rounding them up when tourists want to see them? That’s no work for a Hero!’ cried Boo.

  ‘I’m sorry, Boo. The Council of Heroes can’t interfere in the way other universes are run. Eac
h universe has its own way of doing things. Yesterday may be a Hero. But in her own universe she’s still a slave.’

  Boo stared at him, unbelieving. He’d never see Yesterday again! She’d vanished into her universe, just like Mum had vanished into the Ghastly Otherwhen.

  There had to be some way to help her!

  ‘Sir, how much does it cost to buy a slave?’

  The principal’s small eyes peered at him over the desk. ‘How much do you have?’

  ‘Um, 152 dried rats in the Sleepy Whiskers Bank.’ And the shop is mine, he thought, if Mum never comes back. It was worth at least 100,000 dried rats. But he couldn’t think that Mum might never return.

  ‘A Level 4 Hero slave costs more than this whole school is worth,’ said Dr Mussells quietly. ‘See any gold and jewels around here, Boojum? No. Heroes do their job because it needs to be done, not for reward. Tentacle muffins are cheap. So are wham! Bamm! ing classes, relatively. I’m sorry, Boo. We’d help the girl if we could. Heroes are always there for each other. But there is nothing we can do.’

  ‘But…but…’ Boo’s tail drooped.

  ‘Have another banana,’ offered Dr Mussells.

  Boo lifted his chin. ‘No, thank you, sir.’ He shoved the door open with his nose and trotted back down the smoky corridor.

  HOW TO SURVIVE THE GHASTLY OTHERWHEN BY COUNT TTOO-TTEN (REPUTED TO BE THE SHORTEST BOOK IN THE UNIVERSES)

  Chapter 1.

  Avoid it.

  The End

  6

  The Secret of the Wormholes

  Small shrieks floated down from the library. It had perched halfway down the pit of the volcano this morning, right in the path of the eruption. Boo trudged along the rim of the lava pit and tried to ignore the noise and the burning in his paws. A new batch of library books had arrived the day before. Boo remembered his first few weeks at the School for Heroes. It wasn’t easy being a new kid—or a new book.

  Only Yesterday had been kind to him. Yesterday, who’d saved his life. Yesterday, the slave.

  It wasn’t fair. But then life wasn’t fair. If life was fair he’d still be an ice-cream delivery puppy—and Mum would be making the Best Ice Cream in the Universes instead of having been kidnapped by the Greedle.

  If life was fair he’d be able to find a guide to wormholes in the library. Then he could find the way to Yesterday’s universe and convince the Guardians to free her and find his way to the Ghastly Otherwhen. He had to have Yesterday’s help if he and Mug were to have any chance of surviving there, not to mention finding Mum. Yesterday could Find anything.

  He paused, his leg raised to leave a few drops on the boulder by the skinning pool. Maybe there was a guide to the wormholes in the library. Students were sent to all sorts of different universes. Dr Mussells couldn’t be the only person at the School for Heroes who knew how to do it.

  The yellow drops sizzled as Boo lowered his leg. But if it was as easy as reading a book—even one of the ones with zits and bad breath—then Dr Mussells wouldn’t have been so sure he couldn’t do it. But how could you get to another universe if the wormhole took you back to your original one? Except when you were with someone else from that universe, of course, like when they all went back to Zombie Island for Mug’s party…

  Boo stopped. How could he have been so stupid?!

  The lava was almost cool now—or as cool as anything got in a volcano. Boo padded past the gymnasium. Ms Punch was giving a Pow! a class (even more powerful than the old Wham! Bam! Pow!), wafting above the students.

  ‘Feel the Pow! a? Then Punch!’ she yelled, her whole ghostly body going straight behind her fist.

  ‘Pow! a Punch!’ chanted the class, following her motions. Boo watched Princess Princess Pow! a her way over the gymnasium floor and send the bogey dummy flying. She stood back and brushed her hair out of her face, laughing.

  Princess Princess is the best at everything, thought Boo, as he trotted down the corridor. He’d never been to Pow!a class. All Level 4s and above chose their own classes, so he’d been able to avoid it. There was no way his paws could Pow! a Punch.

  If only there were Heroic Snap! Grab! Bite Them! classes. He’d be great at that. Or Heroic Sniffle Sniff Sniiiiffff classes, which taught you how to tell what a bogey was thinking with one long sniff of their widdle. Not that he needed the classes. It’d just be nice to be top of something.

  Boo stopped, mid-corridor. Did bogeys widdle? No one had ever mentioned it. But they must—everything widdled, even if the people in some universes didn’t like to talk about it. Boo scratched his ear with his hind leg—scratching always helped him to think. Maybe if he smelt bogey widdle in the Ghastly Otherwhen he’d know where they’d taken Mum.

  Boo began to pad down the corridor again. On the other paw, the bogeys might try to rip his head off as soon as he came through the wormhole. There mightn’t be time to sniff…

  The door to the Finding lab was open. Graunt Doom sat on a tall stool, her head bent over a platter of writhing octopus guts. Her hat seemed to be having its lunch. He loved how zombies smelt, all rich and slightly rotting. You always knew where a zombie was, even the bits that had fallen off.

  Graunt Doom peered up from the octopus guts as Boo approached. ‘Ah, werewolf puppy,’ she boomed. ‘You wants to find way to Ghastly Otherwhen.’

  Boo’s tail began to wag. Was it really going to be this easy? ‘What else can you See?’ ‘Doom, doom, doom!’ Boo’s tail drooped. ‘You mean I won’t find my way?’

  ‘Oh, you find way okay,’ boomed Graunt Doom.

  ‘Then…then I won’t rescue my mum? I’ll die?’

  ‘Me not say that.’ Graunt Doom stared down at the octopus guts again. ‘Me can only See doom. Not who it for. It hard to See anything in Ghastly Otherwhen. Me only Finder who can even See doom there,’ she added with satisfaction. ‘Greedle put hypnotic veil over whole place.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Boo. Suddenly he realised what Graunt Doom had said. ‘You mean I will get there?’

  Graunt Doom nodded, her eyes back on the wriggling entrails. ‘You work out way already.’

  ‘I—I think so.’ Boo tried not to drool at the octopus guts. They smelt great, even if they were wriggling. ‘I should have guessed before. If anything goes down the wormholes it returns to where it started. That’s correct, isn’t it?’

  ‘Too right.’

  ‘So if the school bus goes to another universe it has to take something with it that came from that universe?’

  Graunt Doom looked up at him. She nodded, making the stitches in her neck bulge. ‘You not fool,’ she boomed. ‘We gots collection of beetles, bits of fur or tentacle from all universes, even Ghastly Otherwhen. You take right beetle, fur or tentacle, you can gets anywheres you like. Me told Old Furry Bum—’

  ‘You mean Dr Mussells?’

  ‘Yeah. Him. Me told Furry Bum you works it out soon.’ She peered at him from under her hat. The hat gave a small burp and clutched its lunch bone tighter as though afraid that Boo might try to grab it. ‘Me told him you heads to the Ghastly Otherwhens, no matter what he says. My greats nephew goes too. But old Furry Bum not wants to hear.’

  Boo sat on his haunches. ‘He thinks I don’t know what I’m doing! Just because I’m young…and have a curly tail…’

  Graunt Doom glared at him. Her hat glared at him too, crunching at its mutton bone. ‘You knows nothings. That nots why he not wants you to goes.’

  ‘Why then?’

  ‘You heard about Wattalotta Mussells da Brave?’

  ‘Sure. She was the greatest Hero who ever lived. A Level 20! But she vanished into the Ghastly Otherwhen…’ Boo’s tail sank down onto the floor. ‘I never thought…’ he whispered. ‘Her name was Mussells too.’

  The octopus guts began to slide across the bench. Graunt Doom bashed them with her stick. The guts quivered, then slid back obediently. ‘Old Furry Bum so proud of daughter. He goes to Ghastly Otherwhen to rescue her…’

  ‘What happened?’ asked Boo quie
tly.

  ‘Nothings.’

  ‘But—but something must have happened.’

  Graunt Doom shrugged, upsetting her hat, which glared down at her. ‘Wormhole opened into darkness. Furry Bum felt around. Tried yelling. Tried Wham! Bamm!ing Nothings. Furry Bum comed back, then tried again. Again and again and again. Nothings every time.’

  She eyed Boo sharply. ‘Furry Bum changed after thats. Still make jokes. Still eat bananas. But him say some things too horrible for even greatest Hero—even Level 20. Nothing be worst thing of all. That why he not want you to go. Not want anyone to go. It bad when Hero die,’ said Graunt Doom, more quietly than he’d ever heard her speak. ‘It worse when Hero lost. Hope alive harder to live with than dead.’

  ‘I know,’ said Boo softly. ‘My mum is lost. And that’s why I have to go. I have to find out.’ He lifted his chin. ‘Can you lend me the Ghastly Otherwhen beetle? And the one to Yesterday’s universe too?’

  Graunt Doom nodded.

  ‘Thank you.’ How could she be so calm? he wondered. She knew he was taking Mug with him. Did she know they’d be safe?

  But Graunt Doom was shaking her head. ‘You thinking me best Finder in the universes. You thinking maybe me Finder you if you gets lost. But me can’t. Even if you take girl Finder into the Ghastly Otherwhen maybe she not Find anything when she gets there.’

  ‘I don’t care. I’d want to help Yesterday even if she wasn’t a Finder. Can you help me get her back?’

  Even Graunt Doom’s hat gazed at him sympathetically now as Graunt Doom shook her head. ‘Hardest thing, not able help your friends,’ she rumbled. ‘Bogeys simple. What peoples does in other universes—that hard. It up to them, not Heroes.’

  ‘But it’s wrong to own people!’

  Graunt Doom shrugged, then bashed her hat when it objected to the disturbance. ‘Only peoples who can help is themselves.’

  Boo felt his hackles rise. It wasn’t fair! And everyone just seemed to accept it. ‘Well I’m going to help! Now!’ He hadn’t known he was going to say it till it was out. But it felt right, the rightest thing he’d ever said.