‘Er, no. Sorry.’ Boo gulped down the last of his pizza.
‘Aren’t you going to brush your teeth?’
‘No,’ said Boo. ‘I’ll chew a bone when we get back,’ he offered, at Princess Princess’s look of horror. ‘That’ll clean them.’
‘I so didn’t need to know that. Everyone ready? Then let’s go!’
The country changed again as they walked. The trees gave way to a strange patchwork of fields, each patch only a metre wide, each with a different crop: tiny fairy cakes with pink icing, chocolate crackles no bigger than a pea, and peas as big as chocolate crackles, smelling like they’d just been cooked with butter and black pepper.
There were figures working in the fields now too; some were human in form, but others looked like tiny dragons, and there were more octopuses too, each tentacle busy harvesting. But none of them even looked up as the Heroes and the dinodoodles passed. They stayed intent on their work, smiles on their faces and their eyes bright as they listened to the music of the breeze.
Yesterday reached over and plucked a pea. ‘The best peas in the universes,’ she said quietly.
Boo lifted his nose. ‘I can smell factories,’ he barked softly. ‘That one’s making gobstoppers, and one over that way is making quiche—spinach quiche, almond and turkey quiche, earwig and walnut quiche. They all smell like they’re—’
‘The best ones in the universe,’ finished Princess Princess. ‘How far to the Greedle’s Holiday Camp and Spa?’
Yesterday shrugged. ‘I can’t tell.’
‘Maybe we passed it,’ offered Boo.
Yesterday shook her head. ‘We’ll know it when we see it.’
‘How do you know?’ demanded Princess Princess.
Yesterday smiled. ‘It’s got a notice on the gate,’ she said. ‘I can See that, at least.’
‘But you can’t See any bogeys?’
‘No,’ said Yesterday again.
Princess Princess frowned. ‘It all doesn’t make sense,’ she said. ‘If the Greedle is really dead all those bogeys in the fields should be free. Those dumb animals shouldn’t have wanted to be eaten. But if the Greedle escaped then those bogeys should be trying to attack us.’
Boo shivered. ‘The Greedle has to be dead. I saw it getting eaten.’
Princess Princess shook her golden head. ‘Then why is everything here acting as though he’s still in control? Why aren’t all the bogeys fighting each other? And us?’
‘Groooaw.’ Roary butted Yesterday with his tiny head.
‘What he say?’ demanded Mug.
‘He said this land has more food than blood,’ said Yesterday.
Boo pricked up his ears. ‘They understand us?’
‘Sometimes. When it’s not hard to understand. They’ve lived with me for so long,’ added Yesterday softly. ‘They’re not stupid. Just not as clever as the Guardians.’
Boo nodded. He sniffed the breeze again. The food scents were so strong it was hard to smell anything else.
We must be safe, he told himself uneasily. The Greedle must depend on its hypnotic breeze and the false entrance to the Ghastly Otherwhen to keep the Heroes out. Soon we’ll get to Mum and bring her home…
Then why did his fur still prickle? Why did the pink tuft on his tail keep dropping between his legs?
It was uphill now. Trees lined the road; each one had a little heart carved into its bark above the words ‘I love the Greedle‘. Each one bore a different fruit, so strongly scented that at times they seemed to be wading through swamps of pumpkin fruitcake, chocolate beetroot muffins, strawberry meringues and maple donuts.
Suddenly Boo caught another smell. He stopped, and lifted up his nose.
‘What is it?’ asked Princess Princess sharply, turning around as the lead she held tightened.
‘A new scent,’ said Boo quietly.
‘Well, what is it?’
‘The Best Ice-Cream in the Universes. Lots of it!‘
‘Where‘s it coming from? One of the factories?‘
Boo shook his head, making his lead and collar rattle. ‘You can‘t set up a factory to make the Best Ice-Cream in the Universes. It can only be made by hand. Well, by paw actually. By me…or by Mum.‘
He gulped. Suddenly all the love and longing of the past year washed over him. Mum was here—nearby!
Princess Princess clenched her fists and took a deep breath. ‘How far away?’ she asked quietly. Boo glanced up at her. He‘d never seen Princess Princess look like this before.
She looked beautiful. She looked scared. But he’d seen Princess Princess look both beautiful and scared before…
Princess Princess caught his look. ‘There’s no need to stare at me like that,’ she said shortly. ‘Yes, I’m scared. But this time I’m going to be a Hero too. You don’t just learn Wham! Bamm!ing at school,’ she added. ‘I’ve learnt to…to be afraid and not run away.’ She paused then whispered, ‘I think.’
‘The scent is coming from just over the hill,’ said Boo quietly.
‘Right.’ Princess Princess thrust back her shoulders. ‘We’re almost there. Yesterday, get the, er, poodles together. Two in front of us and two behind. That way they can protect us if bogeys ambush us from either direction. And then you walk one pace behind me.’ She shook her head. ‘Just leave all the talking to me. Boo, shut up. Poodles don’t talk. If the bogeys attack, pull hard on your lead—there’s a special catch so you can get free. Don’t try to Wham! Bam!—you’re no good at it. Just bite them. Mug, you march between me and the, er, poodles. I SAID MARCH BEHIND ME—’
‘What marching?’ boomed Mug.
Princess Princess sighed. ‘Why can’t I have normal Heroes? HOLD YOUR EAR UP! Your feet go left, right, left, right, okay?’
‘They always goes left.’
Princess Princess shook her head. ‘Just try not to lose any body parts then. Now, according to my Cunning Plan we’re going to march in there and I’ll ask if I can give the poodles to the Greedle. But because the Greedle is dead there’ll be no one to eat them straight away.’
‘Oh good,’ said Boo. He gave his pink fur a scratch behind his ear with his back foot.
Princess Princess gave him an annoyed look. ‘And then I pretend I want some ice cream—’
‘Why should whoever’s in there give you any ice cream?’ asked Yesterday.
Princess Princess fluttered her eyelashes. ‘Because I’m a queen. And I’m the most gorgeous person they’ve ever seen.’
‘I forgot about that bit,’ said Yesterday.
‘And then,’ finished Princess Princess dangerously, ‘we’ll grab Boo’s mother and the poodles will fight our way out. We’ll help of course,’ she added hurriedly. ‘And hopefully there won’t be many bogeys to fight because they won’t suspect anything. We’ll race back to the wormhole, back to school…and everyone will cheer and make songs about us for a thousand years. Any questions?’
‘What about your handsome prince?’ asked Yesterday.
Princess Princess patted her hair. ‘He’ll turn up. Graunt Doom may be a dumb old zombie, but she’s never wrong. And what prince could resist me?’
It was the perfect Cunning Plan, thought Boo numbly. But there was something wrong with it. There had to be something wrong!
He could almost smell the wrongness. But what is it? he thought desperately. What is it Princess Princess hasn’t thought of?
And somehow, in the next few hours, one of them would die.
Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was soft and wispy But then my bogeys caught it (Yum!) And now it’s roasted crispy.
FROM GREAT POEMS FOR MAD MOMENTS BY THE GREEDLE
29
The Greedle’s Holiday Camp and Spa
‘Well,’ said Yesterday flatly, as they stood on the top of the hill. ‘That looks like it.’
Boo stared. Tall pink hedges with rich-smelling purple fruit hid most of the valley below. Only the giant gates stood open, revealing short grass and even more hedges inside. Above the gat
e a sign winked on and off:
THE GREEDLE’S BEST SPA IN THE UNIVERSES AND HOLIDAY CAMP. WELCOME!
‘Thank you. I can read!’ Princess Princess’s voice was just a little shrill. She gulped and thrust her shoulders back. ‘Okay, everyone. Forward march.’
‘How—’ began Mug again.
‘Just walk, you dumb zombie. Walk!’
They walked, Massive and Roary in front, then Mug clanking in his armour, then Boo straining at the end of his leash. Queen Splendifera and Yesterday followed, with the other two dinosaur poodles behind.
There was no reason to lift his leg to leave directions now. The giant sign loomed over the landscape. Boo’s nostrils strained to smell what was inside the compound. Hot coconut, the scent of peaches, cold chocolate…and, yes, the Best Ice Cream in the Universes, coming closer and closer still.
Mum! he thought. Mum, we’re nearly there!
‘Keep a lookout, everyone,’ hissed Princess Princess out of the corner of her mouth. The rest of her mouth was set in a gracious queen-type smile. ‘Yesterday, can you Find anything?’
‘Not much.’ Yesterday’s voice was strained. ‘I can See stalls…and people. A few creatures too. But none of them weapons.’
Boo gulped. When you had tentacles and fangs and slime that could glue a person up until you slurped out his rotten innards, weapons were just icing on the cockroach cupcake.
‘I’m sorry,’ Yesterday added. ‘I should be able to See more. But something’s blocking me, just like when the Greedle invaded the school. There’re areas of blankness I can’t See into.’
I could smell danger then, thought Boo. But all I can smell now is food.
Somehow not being able to smell danger now felt even worse.
And one of them would die…
‘Look,’ he barked softly. ‘I can go on alone now—pretend I’ve wandered off—and scout things out. There’s no reason to risk everyone.’
Yesterday smiled. ‘Of course there is.’
Boo’s brow furrowed. ‘What?’
‘You our friend,’ boomed Mug. ‘You go, we go.’
‘And we’re Heroes!’ Princess Princess’s voice was trying to be confident but it sounded more like a squeak.
‘Can you See anything else at all?’
‘Ice cream,’ said Yesterday flatly. ‘I can See ice cream.’
Mum, thought Boo. She’s here.
They were almost at the gates now. The scents grew even stronger. The breeze suddenly became a wind, buffeting them. But for once it was silent.
Boo found himself wishing it would sing about the Greedle again. Somehow the silence was even worse. ‘THE BREEZE IS GONE,’ he whisper-yelled at Mug, and mimed putting an ear back on with a front paw. Mug nodded (carefully) and used a stapler from somewhere inside his armour to reattach his ear through a gap in his helmet.
Princess Princess glanced around. ‘No sign of guards,’ she whispered.
‘Maybe…maybe the guards have gone, now the Greedle‘s dead,’ barked Boo softly. ‘Maybe it really is a Spa and Holiday Camp.‘
‘Maybe,’ said Princess Princess doubtfully. ‘Remember the chapter in The Book of Cunning Plans about appearances being deceiving…but you haven‘t read it, have you?‘
‘No.‘
‘Pity,’ said Princess Princess. ‘It would be sort of useful if you had.‘
They trod slowly, under the big blinking sign, through the gate in the hedges. Massive and Roary stopped, staring about them. The rest of the party stopped too.
They‘d arrived.
It was a park, broken up into small ‘rooms’ by the internal hedges, which had archways cut through their leaves and branches. This first glade held gaily striped stalls, tents and caravans; Boo caught a glimpse of small pools that bubbled like a good rat stew.
It all looked beautiful. And much too quiet. And it smelt of hamburgers and…
…danger.
‘Welcome to the Greedle‘s Best Spa and Holiday Camp in the Universes! I‘m BAD.‘
Boo jumped. He‘d been so intent on sniffing he hadn’t noticed the donkey approach. Good thing it wasn’t an attacking bogey, he reproached himself.
The donkey smiled, showing her big white donkey teeth. She’s quite a nice-looking donkey, thought Boo, though the rolling red eyes spoil the effect a bit. He sniffed her hooves surreptitiously. The donkey smelt like liquorice allsorts. That’s how I missed it, thought Boo. I never thought a creature would smell of liquorice allsorts.
‘I don’t mean I am bad,’ added the donkey. ‘Ha, ha, ha. B-A-D stands for Beautiful Administrative Donkey. My job is to welcome guests.’
‘Hello,’ rumbled Mug. ‘Me name is—ow!’ He stopped as Queen Splendifera poked him in the back.
‘Pleased to meet you, Ow,’ said BAD.
‘And I am Her Majesty Queen Splendifera of Yukke.’ Princess Princess gave a gracious smile. ‘And these two are my loyal minions. I’ve brought a gift of poodles for the dear Greedle. They are the most delicious poodles in the universes.’
‘They’re certainly the pinkest.’ BAD stared at the dinodoodles and Boo for a moment, then smiled again. ‘I’m afraid the dear Greedle isn’t here to accept your wonderful gift. No one has seen our Great Master for weeks. You know how it is. Always another universe to burn, shatter and destroy—after you’ve captured all the good things to eat, of course.’
‘Oh, of course,’ said Queen Splendifera. She smiled extra sweetly. ‘Speaking of things to eat…it’s just so hot here. You know what I’d just love before we take the poodles to the storage areas?’
‘What?’ asked BAD helpfully.
‘An ice cream.’
Boo held his breath. Would BAD go for it?
‘Ice cream! Of course. The Greedle is particularly fond of ice cream. In fact,’ BAD bent her head closer to Princess Princess, her red eyes rolling enthusiastically, ‘our Holiday Camp has the Best Ice Cream in the Universes! I was just about to offer you some—it’s this week’s Featured Food.’
‘No!’ exclaimed Princess Princess.
‘Yes! And this is the only place in the universes where you can get it.’
Huh, thought Boo. He could make the Best Ice Cream in the Universes just as well as Mum. Liar, liar, pants on fire.
He lifted up his nose and sniffed in what he hoped was a Silly Poodle fashion and not at all like a Wary Werewolf. Was that Mum’s scent? He sniffed again. It was! Excitement prickled through his fur. He hesitated. Mum’s scent was…different…too…
What could make Mum smell different?
‘The ice-cream tent is just through here,’ BAD was saying, as she led the way through an arch in the hedge. ‘Ah, do look out,’ she added, as Mug discovered that a two-metre-high zombie didn’t fit through a 1.69-metre-high arch in a hedge.
‘Me need to keep eye on where me going,’ boomed Mug. ‘Not on ground.’ He bent down, his armour clanking, brushed the twigs off his eye and poked it back in again.
‘Ha, ha,’ said Queen Splendifera. ‘That guard of mine is always joking.’
‘Really?’ BAD gave a polite bray of laughter too. ‘Ha-haaar. By the way, there’s no need to get out any scones and strawberry jam. Everything in the Greedle’s Best Spa in the Universes and Holiday Camp is free to anyone in the Ghastly Otherwhen, a gift from the Good Greedle. Let’s see…’ BAD twitched her ears. ‘That’s the Best Black Jellybeans in the Universe stand over there. The Best Chocolate-Coated Sultanas stall, the Best Lettuce Salad with Orange Salad Dressing marquee—you really have to try some before you go—the best Stuffed Lizard Guts canteen. And here,’ BAD waved a hoof, ‘is the Best Ice Cream in the Universes!’
‘Mum,’ whispered Boo.
THE BEST ICE CREAM IN THE UNIVERSES
Ingredients:
2 tonnes rose petals
1,4689 crushed meringues
10 litres passionfruit juice
94 lizard tongues
1 megalitre custard
2 pinches secret ingredient
Method:
Sniff rose petals and lizard tongues. Throw them out. Eat the meringues with the passionfruit juice. Freeze the other ingredients. Now make another thousand litres—because everyone will be demanding MORE.
FROM THE BEST ICE-CREAM RECIPE BOOK IN THE UNIVERSES
30
The Return of the Best Ice Cream
The ice-cream stand was a silken tent, striped like all the other stands and tents and caravans, this time in blue and white. Mum stood at the counter.
Boo shut his jaws hard to stop himself crying out.
Mum looked almost the same as she had the last time he had seen her in the shop, though this time she wasn’t frozen by the Zurm’s slime, and the look of desperation was gone from her face. In its place was a wide, fixed smile. She was in human shape, dressed in a white dress, the colour of vanilla ice cream, with a blue-and-white striped apron. She was
adding ingredients to a giant mixer behind the counter.
Next to her a young monkey perched on a tall stool was busily taking crisp cones out of a small oven. It too wore a little blue-and-white striped apron.
Boo stared. There was something familiar about that monkey. It turned, and met his eye.
‘Ice cream, Your Majesty, and Your Majesty’s Minions and Poodleships?’ asked Wattalotta Mussells the Brave, her little furry face smiling just a bit too gaily. ‘We have the Best Ice Cream in the Universes here.’
How does she know who we are? thought Boo, just as Mum looked up. Or who we’re supposed to be, anyhow.
Mum’s eyes flicked over Boo. He waited for her to cry out when she saw him, to run to him, to hug him and scratch behind his ears. But instead she just smiled the wide bright smile at them all…
It’s the Ghastly Otherwhen smile, thought Boo numbly. It was the happy smile that looked like it had been pasted on.
‘What sort of ice cream would you like?’ Mum offered, her smile shining as the buckles on her collar back in Sleepy Whiskers. ‘We have vanilla cones, crunchy cockroach wafers, little tubs, big tubs, giant tubs…’
Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs Page 13
