Zooooom! Princess Princess vanished in a flash of gold. The air was filled with an almost soundless high-pitched rushing as she Zoom!ed through otherspace, creating a wave of nothingness.
Zap! Zap! Zap! One by one harpies fell to the ground in a heap of claws and jaws and javelins, golden threads tied around their hands and feet. BAD thudded to the ground beside him, tied up too. Boo wondered if any Hero had ever Zoom!ed so fast before.
But there were too many bogeys. Even Princess Princess couldn’t Zoom! them all.
Screeech! The poodlesaurs launched into their attack. Claws ripped flesh; blood spattered across the green, green grass.
Boo gulped. Dimly he was aware of Yesterday, in Wham! Bamm!ing stance, advancing on a group of octopuses. ‘Globble globble glop!’ she yelled desperately.
Boo leapt over the counter. He grabbed Mum’s spear in his jaws, and bit it in two. ‘Stand back!’ he growled. ‘Out of the way where you won’t be hurt.’
‘You horrible little poodle!’ yelled Mum.
‘I’m no poodle!’ growled Boo. ‘I’m your son.’
Mum laughed, still happy despite the devastation around her. ‘I have no son.’
No time to listen now. No time for the grief that stabbed his heart. Boo grabbed her apron in his jaws, twisted it around her and Lottie, then dragged the strings through the ice-cream machine’s motor. It wouldn’t hold them long—not if Lottie still remembered her Hero skills. But it would give the Heroes precious minutes, anyway.
Could they handle this many bogeys? It seemed impossible. And yet they had to try.
He leapt back over the counter and grasped a monstrous crocodile bogey by its throat, just as its jaws reached for Mug.
Swish! Something that could only be a zombie pizza flashed past his nose. Wap, wap, wap, wap, wap…it circled the bogeys, then flew lower. Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! Bogeys crashed to the ground…
Swish! The flamethrowers flared again, this time on a much higher setting. Bogeys retreated out of the way of the flames. But still more bogeys surged through the gaps in the hedges. Cockroaches with antennae waving wildly thundered towards them, giant slugs oozed across the grass, strange things—guinea pigs with legs like kangaroos—chittered and grabbed, zebras with fangs and barbed tails reared over the Heroes’ heads…
Boo tried to watch it all, even as he growled and bit and tore. Dimly the pride began to grow—five Heroes, a Menu and four pet dinosaurs, keeping the legion of monsters of the Ghastly Otherwhen at bay.
For a while.
It wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be enough! For every bogey they cast down he could hear another hundred behind.
They were doomed—just as Graunt Doom had said. But there was nothing else to do; they must fight for as long as they stayed on their feet.
For a second he brushed against Yesterday. The girl fought fiercely, steadily, Wham! Bamm!ing with her fists and feet, trying to get to Mum and Lottie. She mightn’t be a great Wham! Bamm!er, but she did all right. Every now and then she yelled in languages he’d never heard before, still entreating the bogeys to break free of the Greedle’s spell.
Clong! Clang! Mug’s leg waved past Boo’s nose. It must have fallen off, or been pulled off, for Mug was using it like a club, bashing and crashing at any bogey who got too close.
Zooom! For a second Princess Princess flashed into view again. She was managing to keep the bogeys down to a slow trickle that her friends could cope with.
How long can she keep going? wondered Boo vaguely, as he released a fallen crocodile and leapt up at a vampire cricket’s throat. How long will her supply of rope last? How long can any of us keep this up? How many thousand bogeys are advancing behind those hedges?
Zooom! Princess Princess sank to the ground in front of him, gasping. ‘You’ve got to escape!’ she croaked. ‘Now! I’ll try to tie up all the bogeys between here and the exit. I’ll keep going as long as I can to give the rest of you a chance. Go!’ Then she was gone again.
If there’d been time Boo would have shaken his head. There was no chance of escape, no matter how many monsters Princess Princess tied up. New bogeys were clambering over the fallen bodies of other bogeys now in their desperation to get at the Heroes. Keep going, thought Boo. Princess Princess is right about that, at least. All we can do is keep going.
The world narrowed to the small space before his nose. Grab, bite, tear.
Something pierced his shoulder. He ignored it. Fangs grasped his hind leg. He turned, and snapped at them in turn. A tentacle with razor edges. His mouth was bleeding when he let it go.
Grab! Bite! Tear!
He could hear his own breath tearing at his lungs. Was it his breath, or Yesterday’s or Mug’s? A high wild scream that sounded like one of the dinosaurs ripped across the air. But there was no time to see if the yell was agony or triumph.
Noise. Impossible noise. Noise of battle, pain and—
‘Get out of it, you varmint! That one’s mine.’
‘In your dreams, you ancient idiot!’
‘Get that wheelchair out of the way.’ Wham! Bam! Pow!a Punch!
‘What did you say?’
‘I said you forgot your hearing aid, you silly old…take that!’
Biff! Bam! Bingo!
‘This is no time for bingo, you senile old fool!’
‘I’ll show you senile…’ A banana flashed in front of him, and then a Viking axe.
‘Lend me your lipstick! Fast!’
It can’t be, thought Boo, his teeth ripping at another tentacle. That was Gloria the Gorgeous’s voice.
‘I’m not just gorgeous, you stupid bogey, I’m drop dead gorgeous! Don’t want to drop dead? Eat lipstick!’
Wham! Bam!
Zoooooooom! A blue silk scarf with the school crest on it fluttered through the air, followed by the small pink face of Dr Hogg. ‘Don’t worry, wolf boy!’ he yelled. ‘We’re about to drop the net! But pink—it doesn’t suit you at all.’
‘You’re in the pink all right! Get it?’ Another banana zapped into a looming bogey, followed by Dr Mussells.
‘Sir!’ gasped Boo.
‘Have a banana!’ cried Dr Mussells gleefully, as Miss Cassandra whizzed by on her vacuum cleaner. ‘The whole school is fighting here today, and everyone from Rest in Pieces. Well, apart from the team at the Inter-Universes Biff! Bam! Bingo Tournament. Take that!’ Another bogey went down to a flying banana.
Flip-flip-flip-flip…
Boo tried to make sense of it all. But there was still no time. A hundred Heroes…two hundred, three hundred…still couldn’t defeat all the bogeys in the Otherwhen.
Could they?
Flip-flip-flip-flip…
What was that noise? Boo glanced up just in time to see a dark shape hover above them, held aloft by hundreds of tiny bats with glowing cinder eyes.
Another horde of bogeys? And then he recognised them—they were the bats from the school volcano! He’d never realised they were Heroes too. But what other kind of bats would live inside a volcano?
Flip-flip-flip…swooooosh…
An enormous net floated down over the battling bogeys and Heroes. Boo felt it settle on his fur then force him to the ground. His mouth was full of grass. Even the Greedle’s grass tasted good, he thought
vaguely, like chocolate-coated beetles.
And suddenly it was over. No one was tearing at his fur, spearing him, biting him. No more tentacles waved his way. Boo took a chocolate-beetle-scented breath…
‘You okay, sonny?’ Someone grabbed his tail and hauled him through a hole in the net. It was Gloria the Gorgeous. She blinked at him through eyes so heavy with false eyelashes that it looked as though two hairy black spiders were dancing on her face.
‘I…I think so,’ growled Boo, trying to look round. The Greedle’s spa was carpeted with netted bogeys instead of grass.
Was Mum safe? Yes, there she was, huddled with Lottie Mussells in a corner of the net-covered tent. BAD stood with them—Mum and Lottie must have untied
her. The donkey stared through the net in dismay even while she grinned. Boo gulped. The combination of fear and smiling was too ghastly to watch.
Yesterday was bent over, gasping for breath. One of the ancient Heroes must have freed her from the net too. But as he watched she lifted her head and nodded to show she was okay. The dinosaurs were making their way towards her. Massive limped; Roary was bleeding. But they were still alive. Squeak was chattering to some of the Menu close by. The ginger kitten gazed up at Boo and held out a paw. ‘Would you like to eat us for lunch now, Your Poodleship?’
‘Not now,’ croaked Boo.
It hurt to breathe. But he was okay. Mug had lost an arm and was hopping around hunting for it among the fallen bogeys. So many bogeys, bleeding, stretched across the ground. Boo felt tears prick at his eyes. The bogeys couldn’t help the evil they’d tried to do, thought Boo, any more than Mum could. The Greedle had hypnotised them all.
Tattered octopuses, battered harpies, a dead giant vampire rat, its eyes staring at the sky. A heap of gold, a crown and bloody golden hair…
No!
He leapt across the net, ignoring the squirming bogeys below. Princess Princess stared up at him, unseeing. There was a red gash across her neck.
He wanted to howl. He needed to scream aloud. Instead he tried to lick her face. His tongue felt numb and the net got in his way. He tried again and left another trail of blood across Princess Princess’s cheek. ‘No!’ This time the cry did come.
He looked around, desperate now. ‘Help her! Someone help her! Please!’
A paw touched his shoulder. ‘Down, Boo. Down…’
It was the Werewolf General.
‘Sir…’
‘I led the others here,’ said the Werewolf General quietly. ‘I followed your scent. Best long-distance widdling job I’ve ever detected.’
‘Sir, it’s Princess Princess. You have to do something. I think she’s—’
‘She’s dead, Boo,’ said the Werewolf General softly. ‘There is nothing we can do.’
What is the best way to cook a werewolf? Make it snappy!
FROM RECIPES TO DIE FOR BY THE G G GREEDLE
32
Leave it to Mug
No, thought Boo. Princess Princess couldn’t be dead!
All around him ancient Heroes and students checked the edges of the nets to make sure none of the bogeys could wriggle free. The Werewolf General patted him briefly, comfortingly. Then he too was gone, working his way around the field of bogeys.
Someone shuffled next to him. It was Mug. He’d found duct tape somewhere and managed to stick his arm and leg back on, though the leg was back to front. The zombie bent his face down close to Princess Princess’s. He sniffed at her through the net. ‘Her dead all rights.’
He pulled a knife from somewhere in his armour and began to cut through the net. Boo grabbed the strands in his jaws, pulling the edges away from Princess Princess’s body.
‘Oh.’ Yesterday knelt beside them. She took Princess Princess’s lifeless hand in hers. ‘She…she was so brave at the end. A true Hero. Just like she always wanted to be. The bravest of the brave…’ Her voice broke. ‘She can’t be dead. She can’t!’ The dinosaurs peered over her shoulder, keening.
‘She dead all rights,’ repeated Mug. Why wasn’t Mug crying too? wondered Boo. He knew Mug didn’t like Princess Princess much. But Princess Princess had been their friend.
Mug lifted Princess Princess up. Her head lolled against his armour. Boo and Yesterday followed as Mug carried her over the net to a clear space beyond the tents.
Mug laid Princess Princess on the grass. She almost looked like she was asleep, except for the blood at her throat. Her face still held the look of concentration it had worn as she Zoom!ed into a squad of bogeys.
Mug reached into his backpack. ‘Wonder if she like gold fungus or pink?’
‘What…what do you mean?’ stammered Yesterday. Her new blue lady-in-waiting dress was tattered. Boo’s heart warmed a little. Somehow Yesterday always seemed to turn her clothes to tatters.
Mug looked up, surprised. ‘When she become zombie.’
‘You can do that?’ gasped Boo.
‘Sure. Me Hero zombie, remember?’
‘But…but would Princess Princess want to be a zombie?’
‘Well, she wouldn’t want to be dead, boy.’ It was the Werewolf General again. He clapped Mug on the shoulder, his claws rattling against the armour. ‘If this lad can get her moving again, I say go to it. Good Hero work, you lot, by the way.’
‘A good deed, indeed. Get it? Have a banana.’ The principal’s furry face peered over the Werewolf General’s shoulder. He hasn’t noticed Lottie yet, thought Boo. How will he feel when he finds his Hero daughter is a bogey?
Lottie…Mum…he couldn’t cope with either of them now. His brain only had room for this. He took the banana in his mouth absently, then spat it out. It tasted of blood. It hurt to bite. It hurt to think. It even hurt to feel.
‘Not good for the school’s reputation to lose a student,’ added Dr Mussells. ‘Go ahead, young zombie. Do your zombie thing. Hate to have to tell her father that his daughter’s dead.’
Boo wondered how the principal would tell the King of Pewké that his daughter was a zombie.
Could Mug really do it? He gulped. Sometimes lately he hadn’t liked Princess Princess at all. But he didn’t want her dead. He wanted her alive, insulting him, showing off…
Mug held out his hand. A strange white powder lay among the green of his fungus. He sprinkled it across Princess Princess’s lifeless form, then bent down again. He whispered something in one of her ears, and then the other, then breathed up into her nose.
‘Errrk,’ Princess Princess twitched. ‘What’s that? There’s fungus up my nose! Yuck!’ She tried to sit up, her eyes fluttering open. ‘What are you doing to me, you dumb zombie?’
Mug’s big hand pushed her down. ‘You lies still till me sews you up. Otherwise you falls apart.’
‘I what?’ Princess Princess’s blue eyes blinked up at them. ‘Sir, what are you doing here?’
‘We’ve just defeated all the hordes of the Ghastly Otherwhen,’ announced Dr Mussells carelessly. ‘Captured the lot of them in our net. A good catch, eh? Get it?’ The little monkey’s grin grew wider. ‘This is going to look very good in the school’s annual report.’
‘What…what happened to me?’ Princess Princess’s voice quavered.
‘You dead,’ said Mug. He held up a giant needle and thread.
‘I’m what?’ Princess Princess struggled again, then felt the wound across her neck. ‘I…I can’t be dead!’
‘No worries. You not dead dead. You zombie dead.’
‘What!’ Princess Princess’s shriek made the dinosaurs beep in surprise. ‘Me? A zombie? An actual zombie! NO!’
‘Yes,’ said Mug calmly, threading the needle. ‘Can unzombify if like,’ he added.
‘But…but…sir!’ She thrust Mug away from her neck with her hand, then appealed to Dr Mussells. ‘There has to be some way out of this!’
‘Not that I know of,’ said Dr Mussells. ‘Like a banana?’
‘Her not suppose to eat for half hour after zombify,’ rumbled Mug. He gently pushed Princess Princess’s hands back onto the grass and began to sew. Boo shut his eyes. Mug was a surprisingly neat sewer…but even so Boo couldn’t bear to watch.
Dr Mussells stood up. ‘Interesting procedure, that zombifying. Might have to get you teaching a zombie class one day.’
Mug beamed. ‘Me a teacher? Mum be proud! There,’ he added. ‘Me finished sewing. You can sits ups now.’
Yesterday helped Princess Princess to sit up, her arm around her shoulders. ‘But I can’t be a zombie,’ wailed Princess Princess. ‘What handsome prince is going to look at me now?’
‘Doom! Doom! Told you there be Doom. Bogeys doomed real good.’ Graunt Doom tottered across the still wriggling bogeys, leaning on her stick. Her hat was chewing a tentacle. She peered down
at Princess Princess. ‘Her makes good-looking zombie,’ she roared. ‘An’ you no worries about prince, girl. Handsome prince right here with you, now.’
‘Where?’ wailed Princess Princess. She sniffed. ‘I can’t let a handsome prince see me like this. I have to do my hair… my nails. And I’m a zombie!’ She gulped. ‘I don’t believe there is a handsome prince at all. You just told me that to get me here.’
‘Me no lie,’ boomed Graunt Doom calmly. ‘This handsome prince! Nephew!’
‘You…you mean…?’
‘Yeah. Me prince,’ said Mug. He wrenched off his leg, tearing the duct tape, turned it round and began to sew it back on properly.
‘Him handsome too,’ boomed Graunt Doom. ‘Most handsome zombie I knows.’
‘But…But what’s he prince of?’
‘Me prince of Zombie Island.’ Mug bit off the thread and tucked his needle back into his pack. ‘But me no wants you,’ he added. ‘You not even grow fungus yet. You ugliest zombie me ever seen. You rude too.’
‘Ooooh!’ wailed Princess Princess. She covered her face with her hands. ‘I’m a zombie! And there’s no handsome prince, only a zo—zombie! Nothing, nothing can be worse than this!’
‘Oh, yes it can,’ said a voice. It was a light and cheerful voice—and a familiar one. It came from somewhere high above them all.
‘For I’m afraid that you can see
You haven’t seen the last of me.’
How do octopus bogeys get around the Ghastly Otherwhen? They go by octobus
FROM DROP DEAD LAUGHING BY THE GREEDLE
33
Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs Page 15
