The Revenge of the Greedle
‘But you’re dead!’ Boo wished he’d never growled the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. The Greedle looked down at them, delighted.
‘There once was a school full of heroes
Who turned out to be absolute zeroes
They tried to beat bogeys
With silly old fogeys
But I’ll kick them in their posterios!’
‘Hello again, little puppy.’ The Greedle floated just out of reach as Boo leapt up and tried to bite its toes. ‘Come to rescue your mummykins? That’s just what I hoped you’d do! But Mummy doesn’t want to be rescued.’ The Greedle gestured to where Mum and Wattalotta Mussells tore vainly at the net, their glad eyes fixed on the Greedle. ‘Mummy and Lottie Mussells are my best bogeys. Now I have you and all the other Heroes too!’
‘Lottie!’ Dr Mussells’s voice was suddenly hoarse as he saw his daughter among the bogeys. But he made no move to try to reach her. He knows what’s happened, thought Boo. The principal was no fool. Dr Mussells looked back at the Greedle instead. He casually pulled another banana from his belt. ‘I thought you were dead.’
‘Oh I was. I am. I was eaten by the dinosaurs. Such a nasty ending,’ sighed the Greedle. ‘It hurt too.’
‘Greeek!’ shrilled Massive warningly.
The Greedle peered down. ‘You can’t hurt me now, you lamebrained lizard. Bananas won’t even bounce off me now. None of you can hurt me! I can keep the whole Ghastly Otherwhen in thrall. I’m untouchable!’
‘No you’re not,’ growled Boo. ‘You have to come down some time. And then we’ll get you.’
‘Oooh, I’m shaking like a leaf,’ said the Greedle calmly. It floated down till its toes were just above Boo’s nose. ‘Go ahead, little puppy.’
Boo leapt, his mouth open wide. He bit down hard on the Greedle’s foot…
…and his jaws met each other with a teeth-rattling snap. There was nothing between them.
‘Wha—what?’ He leapt again, higher, and grabbed again. But his jaws were still empty when he landed.
‘Stop it, Boo.’ Someone grabbed his collar.
‘Let me go! I can—’
‘No, you can’t. Sit, boy. Sit!’ It was the Werewolf General’s voice.
Boo sat automatically. A puppy always sat when a Top Dog spoke.
‘But, sir—’ he began.
‘It’s no use,’ said the old Hero softly. ‘Don’t you see?’
‘See what?’
‘That’s not the Greedle up there.’
‘But it’s—’
‘It’s the ghost of the Greedle,’ said the Werewolf General.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A ghost.
A ghost who?
Whoooooooooo! I’ll do the haunting, thank you.
FROM THE GREEDLE: A DEAD DICTATOR AND ITS GHOSTLY JOKES
34
The Ghostly Otherwhen
‘Boo!’ said the Greedle. ‘No, I wasn’t talking to you,’ it added to Boo. ‘That’s what ghosts are supposed to say, isn’t it? Booooooo! And you’re all supposed to say, “Oh, I’m so frightened.” But of course you’re Heroes. You don’t do frightened.’
‘We do frightened,’ said the Werewolf General grimly. ‘We just keep going anyway.’
‘Really? Well, I’m the Greedle. And I do much more frightening things than going “Boo”. You see,’ it added conversationally, ‘I’ve discovered that I’m even more compelling as a ghost than I was when I was alive. I don’t even need the help of hypno-bogeys now.’ It waved a ghostly hand. ‘My bogeys still obey me. They are happy to obey me. And all of you will be too.
‘There once was a Greedle-type ghost
Who turned all the Heroes to toast
When I say “Obey”
No one can say “Nay”
In fact…but I don’t like to boast.’
‘Yes you do,’ growled Boo.
The Greedle smiled. It was a more genuine smile than Boo had seen on any bogey the whole time he’d been in the Ghastly Otherwhen.
‘Well, yes. I do. But I don’t get much of a chance to. As soon as I hypnotise someone, they think I’m wonderful no matter what I do. So I’m making the most of these last little moments before every Hero here thinks I’m the greatest too.’
‘You’ll never get away with it!’ growled Boo.
‘Oh yes I will,’ promised the Greedle.
‘Oh no you won’t. You can’t hypnotise me! Remember?’
‘Oh I remember,’ said the Greedle quietly.
Boo blinked. Suddenly the whole battlefield was still. The bogeys had stopped moaning. The Heroes had stopped muttering. He gazed around.
‘Yes,’ said the Greedle even more softly. ‘You see? I have frozen the whole Ghastly Otherwhen with my will. Even your Finder girlfriend’s trance can’t keep my hypnosis at bay this time…and that’s no small trick. And while she’s hypnotised her dinosaurs won’t attack me either—not that even they could hurt me now! Oh, I’ve had to plot and plan and research to get this done! They’ll all do anything I say.’
‘Except for me.’
‘Except for you. And that is my revenge, you stupid puppy. I’m leaving you alone. Alone forever! My bogeys and I will seal the doors on our way out, so you’ll wander the Ghastly Otherwhen unable to escape. You’ll never see another living thing. Your friends will stay here, frozen. Your mum will stay here too. Oh, you can come back, sniff at them from time to time. But they’ll never speak to you. They’ll never move. You’ll be—alone.’
‘Why?’ barked Boo. ‘Why me?’
The Greedle hovered closer. His voice started to lose its calm. ‘Because you did this to me! If it hadn’t been for you I’d be sitting here eating my ice cream. But now I’m dead. I’ll never eat ice cream again. Never taste its creaminess. Never crunch an apple, spit out cherry pips, dribble iced watermelon down my chin. All because of you.’
‘I’ll hunt you down,’ promised Boo.
The Greedle giggled.
‘There once was a puppy called Boo
Who did a good job of pong fu.
But Boo wasn’t happy
For he couldn’t snap me
And now poor Boo is just pooh.’
Boo crouched low and growled, the fur rising on his neck. There had to be some way to get the Greedle! What doggie Hero power would work against a ghost? He glanced around, hoping for inspiration. Still nothing to widdle on. And you couldn’t scare a ghost with doggie doo doo.
Would a howl work? A really loud Heroic werewolf howl? The tip of his tail wagged. Maybe the vibrations would scatter the Greedle’s form. Boo lifted up his nose.
Owooooo! It was so loud Boo could feel the grass tremble under his paws.
‘No!’ screamed the Greedle.
Boo looked up in sudden hope. Was it working? But the Greedle just put its hands over its earholes and smiled.
‘Horrible sound. Just horrible. If you do that again I’ll have to flutter away to find my new universe—perhaps yours will do now that both its Heroes have so sadly vanished.’
Sniffing, thought Boo desperately. Biting?
Suddenly Dr Mussell’s words came back to him. Sometimes you need to change the most Cunning Plan…
Was he going about this all wrong? Maybe it was time to look beyond his werewolf powers. Maybe it was time to—
Boo caught his breath. It wasn’t a Cunning Plan. It wasn’t much of a plan at all. But maybe…just maybe…it would work.
Hickory Dickory Dock, The bogey ran up the clock, The clock struck one And then I totally dazzled all the others till they surrendered to my charms.
FROM DAZZLING: THE MEMOIRS OF DAHLIA THE DAZZLER
35
Hoosh!
Boo bounded over the fallen bogeys, trying not to catch his claws in the net.
‘What are you doing, little wolf?’ The Greedle followed him. ‘Can’t take it any more?’
‘Go away!’ yell
ed Boo. It wasn’t difficult to let the tears fall now. Go on, cry! he told himself. Cry for Princess Princess, for the poor bogeys who’d been forced to do the Greedle’s will, for the Menu obediently following and helping Squeak so Boo could eat them…
‘The little wolfie’s crying!’ The Greedle’s voice was gleeful.
‘But I’m not going to go away!
I’m going to stay
We’re going to play!
Every, every, every day!’
The Greedle hovered lower and lower again. ‘Try and snap me now, little puppy. Go on,’ coaxed the
Greedle. ‘Try and bite me again!’
‘No!’ howled Boo, dodging the frozen Heroes. Past Gloria, her lipstick fallen to the ground. Past Dr Mussells, his banana frozen in his hand. Past Miss Cassandra, a few feathers still floating around her.
His paws reached her vacuum cleaner. A hopefully Heroic vacuum cleaner…
Hoooooosh!
For a moment nothing happened. The Greedle still hung triumphantly above Boo. Then some part of it must have floated into the suction from the vacuum-cleaner hose, and—
‘Noooooo!’
The Greedle vanished from the sky.
Boo gasped and dropped the handle. The vacuum kept sucking, making a rude noise as it sucked itself into the ground. He hadn’t expected it to be so sudden. Had he really sucked up the Greedle? Or was it playing tricks on him?
‘Let me out! Curse you! Let me out!’
The faint sound came from inside the vacuum cleaner.
It had worked!
‘Clawk, clawk clak clawk cluck.’ Next to him, Miss Cassandra blinked her small black chicken eyes. ‘What happened? Did I fall asleep? What are you doing with my vacuum cleaner, lad?’
Boo leapt to pull it away from her before she could
turn it off. ‘Don’t touch it! I’ve got the Greedle trapped in here!’
‘Clawk clawk, clawk…?’
‘It’s all right, Boo.’ It was Ms Punch. The ghostly teacher hovered above him. ‘I’ll take over now. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in one hundred and twenty-six years,’ Ms Punch gave a faint smile, ‘it’s how to look after ghosts. I won’t let him escape, I promise you. As long as he’s trapped in there the noise of the vacuum cleaner will drown out his hypnotic little song.’ Her smile grew. ‘I’ve waited a long time for another bogey I can actually Wham! Bam!. Now I might finally have one.’
LOST IN THE RECENT EXPEDITION TO THE GHASTLY OTHERWHEN
One sword, three daggers, one flask of deadly dum-dum dust, one razor-edged lasso. If found please do NOT return to Sabretooth the Savage. He’s savage enough already.
JONES THE JANITOR
36
A Ghastly Fate
Someone groaned. Boo looked around. It was a bogey. The creature had two heads, six eyes and a dazed expression. ‘Wha—what happened?’
All around bogeys had lost their smiles. They’re free, thought Boo in wonder. The Greedle’s song is silenced—or at least muffled by the vacuum cleaner. The bogeys can go back to their own universes—if they still existed—or do anything they liked.
Only freedom mattered now.
He glanced over at the Menu. The creatures huddled next to the ice-cream tent. Massive gazed hungrily at one of the sheep. Indignantly, the kitten slashed at the dinosaur’s nose with her claws, her tail lashing.
Good, thought Boo. Even the Menu wasn’t a menu any more.
He looked over at Yesterday. She knelt by the nearest bogey—a vast slug with a human face—and began to croak words of explanation.
Mum blinked dazedly, looking around as though she had no idea where she was, or how she’d got there. Suddenly she noticed Boo.
‘Boo!’ Mum tugged at the apron strings that bound her and Lottie together. ‘Boojum, darling, what are you doing here? Who…who are all these creatures? Why are you all pink?’
‘It’s okay, Mum.’ Boo limped over to the tent. He grabbed the apron strings in his jaws and bit through them hastily. His mouth still hurt, but it didn’t matter.
They’d won! He’d rescued her! And the universes were finally safe from the Greedle!
Mum seized him in a giant hug, then released him. ‘Boo! What’s happened? The last thing I remember was stuffing the poodle for Christmas dinner…and suddenly I’m here. You’ve grown!’ she added. ‘And what have you done with your fur?!’
Boo gave her cheek a quick slobber with his tongue. ‘I’m disguised as a poodle,’ he said, grinning. Mum was going to be so proud when she heard it all. ‘It’ll grow out.’
Mum flung her arms around him again. ‘I don’t know what’s happening here,’ she said nervously. ‘But don’t worry, Boo, darling. I’ll look after you!’
Boo wriggled free, then licked her cheek again. ‘Mum, don’t you worry. They’re just bogeys. But it’s all right. We’ve defeated them.’
‘Dad!’ Lottie Mussells jumped up on the counter. ‘You couldn’t spare a couple of bananas, could you? I’m starving!’
‘As many as you want.’ Tears ran down the old monkey’s face as he swung himself onto the counter too. ‘Welcome back, my girl,’ he whispered.
Lottie hugged him and grinned. ‘What took you so long?’ She began to eat the banana.
Dr Mussells cleared his throat. ‘We came the scenic route. And you, my girl, are grounded.’
‘Huh!’ Lottie peeled another banana. ‘You haven’t been able to ground me since I beat you in Biff! Bamm!ing when I was three and a half.’
‘Twelve and a half.’ Dr Mussells sniffed, and handed her yet another banana.
Boo sat on his haunches and looked up at the principal. ‘Sir, I don’t understand. You told me that you weren’t going to help me!’
‘Of course I did. Invading the Ghastly Otherwhen was a stupid idea. Can’t encourage students to risk their lives like that. But once you actually went we couldn’t just do nothing.’ Dr Mussells leant over the counter and clapped the Werewolf General on the back. ‘Widdles here sniffed out the way for us. Good Heroic widdling you did there, young Boo. Left a trail as clear as the nose on your face. Nose…smell…get it?’
‘Ha ha, sir,’ said Boo. Mum’s arms were around his shoulders now. She looked wonderingly at Dr Mussells, then back at Boo, then at the heaving mass of bogeys groaning under the net as the ancient Heroes began to untangle them one by one.
Boo looked up at the principal hopefully. ‘Then…then I’m not expelled?’
‘Of course not! Heroes do what’s right, whether they have permission or not. Don’t you remember your Hero Code lessons?’
‘No,’ said Boo candidly.
‘But they are part of the Level 2 curriculum,’ began Dr Mussells. ‘Oh. You missed Level 2, didn’t you? Never mind. I can see you’ve picked up the essentials. A more dogged rescue I’ve never seen. Dogged—get it?’ He waited expectantly.
‘Ha ha, sir,’ said Boo.
‘There’ll be another medal for you back at the School for Heroes,’ the principal promised. He peered down at Princess Princess, still sitting stunned on the grass, at Mug, still sewing on his leg, at Yesterday with her cluster of dinosaurs, bandaging a bogey’s nose. ‘Medals for all of you. You’re Heroes Level 5 now.’ Lottie nudged him. ‘Five and a half,’ he amended. ‘All right, six and three quarters!’
Lottie looked around at the dazed bogeys and the Heroes checking for injuries, resting on swords or battleaxes or, in Gloria’s case, repairing her make-up, and nodded at Boo. ‘You’ve done good, wolf puppy. Don’t know how you did it yet. But I reckon I know where I went wrong.’
‘Where?’ asked Boo.
Lottie looked at Princess Princess, Yesterday and the poodlesaurs, Mug, and Squeak and the Menu. ‘I should have come with friends,’ she said quietly. ‘With friends like yours you can face the universes.’
‘We need a party.’ Ms Snott cleaned her fingernails with a bloodstained dagger. ‘A proper one, since the last one was cut short. An End to the Ghastly Otherwhen Part
y. Let’s say Saturday at six.’ She grinned at Yesterday. It was the first time Boo had ever seen Ms Snott grin. For a moment he thought her face might crack. But it didn’t. ‘And this time we’ll be expecting your dinosaurs. They can eat as much as they want.’
Yesterday shook her head.
‘Don’t worry, girl.’ Dr Mussells clapped her on the back. ‘We’ll make sure there’s enough food. We’ll have the party on the ledge. Plenty of room for dancing dinosaurs there.’
‘I’m sorry, sir. A dance would have been…nice. But the dinosaurs and I have to return to the Guardians at the end of the week.’ Yesterday’s voice was quiet.
‘No!’ said Boo. ‘Yesterday, you can’t go back! They can’t make you! Please! Come back to school with us.’
‘No.’ Yesterday’s voice was soft but determined.
‘I beg your pardon.’ Mum leant over the counter. ‘Exactly what school are you all talking about?’
Dr Mussells looked puzzled. ‘The School for Heroes, of course. Your son is one of our star pupils.’
‘Might even get to Level 20,’ said Lottie, munching her fifth banana. ‘You’re a good Hero, young pup, but I bet I can still beat you at Wham! Bamm!ing.’
‘Wham! Bamm!ing?’ Mum put her hands on her hips. ‘School for Heroes?! No pup of mine is going to any place called School for Heroes. It sounds dangerous!’
‘It is,’ said Dr Mussells. ‘That’s the whole point.’
‘But, Mum—’
‘No way,’ said Mum firmly. She looked around the piles of bogeys again, at Miss Cassandra and Ms Punch sitting on the still-humming vacuum cleaner, at the Werewolf General, kneeling down cutting bogeys free. ‘You!’ she cried.
‘Yes, me.’ The Werewolf General stood up again.
‘I might have known it. Leading my pup into danger! We’re going home,’ she said to Boo. ‘Right this minute. It’s a bath and an early bedtime for you. No more Heroing till you’ve grown up. If then!’
Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs Page 16
