Leora nodded quietly. She knew already what was coming. “I’ll tell her before we open.”
Back at home, Wayne puttered around his carpentry shop. While he had made so much progress in therapy, he was still limited in what he could do with less than two arms. His injured arm was still weak, making everyday chores more difficult to accomplish. Yet, he knew he needed to get back to full strength soon so other carpenters could go back to their own shops full-time. As he cleaned and swept up, Wayne continued to be distracted by the memories of his past. Sweeping sawdust, he heard his daed’s voice echoing in his head. Get moving faster! By the time I was your age, I could finish one entire row of planting or weeding in less than two hours! All the memories that assaulted Wayne had him sweating and gasping by the time he was done cleaning the shop before he began to get his newest order ready. Realizing how much his arm was throbbing, he grimaced and massaged it. Grabbing his large kerchief, he swiped it over his face and neck with his good hand. The voice of reason spoke in his head. Lizzie has done nothing wrong and she is not going to do anything. When she comes home, she will be with Leora and they are going to make a tasty supper for the three of us. Our house will be clean, warm and full of love. Even though Wayne tried to remind himself of these facts throughout that long, dragging day, the voices telling him that Lizzie was planning to leave him continued to torture him.
As he remembered his mamm leaving him and his siblings, he forgot one huge, vital fact: She left because she sensed, deep down, that her husband was getting perilously close to killing her. Wayne remembered that, as his mamm got ready to flee, she didn’t make any plans to take any of her kinder with him. That was what made him the angriest—he and his siblings, older and younger, were left behind to face their daed’s anger. While he dished anger and abuse out on all of the children, the girls were in for a disproportionate share of physical and emotional abuse. That didn’t mean the boys escaped the effects of the mistreatment. On the contrary, they were just as scarred as if they had been the ones to be struck or put down.
Wayne wiped streaming tears from his face as he remembered his older sisters being struck on their faces or where the bruises wouldn’t show under their long sleeves. This usually happened when their efforts at cooking or cleaning fell short of their daed’s high expectations. Wayne was uncomfortably aware that, to this day, his sisters still experienced abuse within their marriages—and they couldn’t escape.
Turning to another organizing chore, Wayne picked up chunks of lumber from the floor and, organizing them by size, he put them into safekeeping bins for use at a later time. This work didn’t stress his arm as badly. Yet, the memories that continued to stream through his mind unabated resulted in an anger that he had never before felt or displayed. By the time he was done, the shop sparkled. Nodding once, he left, closing and locking the door. In the kitchen, he saw Lizzie moving around the kitchen, busy with supper. Looking all around, he didn’t see Leora. “Where is she? Leora?”
Without turning, Lizzie knew that Wayne was angrier than he had ever been at any time in their marriage. Continuing to stir the sizzling meat, she spoke. “She’s upstairs. Why?”
“I just wanted to make sure she was at home, like any other good Amish girl. I will be in my shop again. Call me when supper’s ready.” Turning back around, he stomped outside and went right back to his shop. He couldn’t abide being in the same room as Lizzie. A small part of him felt unworthy of being near her.
***
Back in the kitchen, Lizzie inhaled deeply, biting her lip and forcing tears back. Turning the stove off, she hurried upstairs as soon as she was sure Wayne would stay in his shop. Knocking quietly on Leora’s bedroom door, she spoke. “Ja. Pack enough for both of us. We will need to come up with a sufficient reason for leaving the house after supper.”
“Ja, mamm. We can say that there’s another meeting at Deacon King’s house. That’s in the opposite direction of the Yoder house. “
“Gutt, ja. That’s what we will say. Hurry with the packing so you can help me. Your daed is in a real bad state tonight.”
Forcing herself to swallow, Leora felt a nauseating lump of fear lodged in her throat. Nodding, she moved faster. Hiding their bags in her room, she hurried downstairs, barely beating her daed into the kitchen. She had only been cutting out the biscuits for a minute when Wayne came back inside.
“Supper isn’t ready yet?” Wayne’s angry growl was even more pronounced now.
“Another fifteen minutes, husband. Leora, how are you on the biscuits?”
“I just put them into the oven. I’ll get the vegetables ready now.”
“Gutt. I just need to chop the onions for salad and get the dressings on the table.” Lizzie’s voice was deceptively calm, trying to calm Leora down.
“Before I forget, our group is having a meeting for Mrs. Stoltzfus. We are raising funds for her. She was just. . .”
“Recently widowed. Go ahead, do your business and then come right home. I don’t know why you couldn’t have done this during the. . . oh, that’s right. You work!” Wayne’s voice was loud and sarcastic.
Lowering her hand below the level of the tabletop, Lizzie motioned Leora not to speak. “Husband, more than half of us work, so an evening meeting is necessary. And, until Mrs. Stoltzfus gets her emotions and grief back under control, she will have to do so as well.”
Wayne growled again. “Just be home by dark. No respectable Amish woman is out after dark with no excuse, anyway.”
After supper, Leora hurried upstairs and smuggled the duffle bags outside the house and into the buggy. “Daed, we’re going now!” She refused to say when they would return—she didn’t want to be forced to lie.
***
At the Yoder house, Jethro quickly let both women in. His daed, Eli Yoder, went to pick up Deacon King so they could go meet with Wayne.
***
Cocking his head at the unexpected knock at the door, Wayne swung it open, standing spread-legged in the doorway. “Deacon! Eli, what brings you here? Is something wrong?” Wayne felt a strong quiver of apprehension.
“Not in the way you think, Wayne. Can we come in?” The deacon had taken the lead.
“Ja, certainly.” Wayne did his best to appear hospitable and untroubled. Yet his eyes told the whole stormy story. “Lemonade?”
“Ja, denki. Wayne, Eli came to pick me up. You were doing so well in accepting the reality of Lizzie’s job outside the home. The Yoders got word today that you have taken some huge steps backward. Apparently, you tried to start an argument with your wife about the suitability of an Amishwoman working outside the home. You are still recovering and unable to take on the full weight of your carpentry orders. You aren’t yet up to all of the demands of filling carpentry orders and it will be some time until you are. Lizzie’s earnings are helping you keep your home. They are helping you pay down your note at the bank so you don’t lose all the new carpentry tools and saws you had to buy. If you force her to quit now, you’ll lose all of that and it will still be a long time until you can get back into the shop at full strength. Wayne, I’m a carpenter, so I know exactly the demands you face.”
Feeling guilt and anger vying for supremacy in his emotions, Wayne shifted on his chair. He grimaced. “Ja, I know. I am making gutt progress in therapy. But it will take time. . . ja. Deacon, I can’t help it. . . for a time, I am gutt with her working, then things happen. . . thoughts I. . . and I get angry all over again.”
Eli listened closely, picking up on something Wayne refused to say. “Wayne, you mentioned thoughts. Can you tell me what they mean? What they are?”
Wayne jumped in his chair, startled at how quickly Eli had zeroed in on the subtext of his words. “Nee. . . I can’t, just yet. My wife and daughter will be home soon, anyway. It’s just beginning to get dark.”
With a motion of his head, the deacon indicated to Eli that he would respond. “Wayne, we told Lizzie and Leora to go stay elsewhere temporarily until you are able to resolve w
hatever it is that you are struggling with. They will be coming home, ja. But not until we all know that they are no longer in danger of any physical manifestations of anger and your emotions.”
Wayne reared up and out of his chair, knocking it over. His entire posture communicated rage. “What? Where are they? I want them home with me, now, where they belong!”
Neither the deacon nor Eli responded to Wayne’s shouts and roars. They just waited for him to get all the anger out of his system. Finally, Deacon King stood and, setting the chair back up, motioned to Wayne to sit back down. Once Wayne had reluctantly sat, he resumed speaking. “Wayne, if this room had a large mirror in it, you would be able to see the same thing we see. What Lizzie and Leora saw this morning and this afternoon. Your anger is out of control. It is dangerous to them right now. Eli and I have made arrangements with our families. We will stay here tonight with you to make sure you don’t go out of control. You aren’t going to know where they are staying because, right now, you are just too much of a danger to yourself and to them.”
Wayne’s mind was split into two sections. The rational part heard the deacon’s words and agreed with him and Eli. The irrational part fought back. “Nee! I want you out of here! I will be fine. I just need to. . . get over the shock. Eli? Will you tell me where they are?” He forced his voice to sound more gentle even though he still wanted to shout at them.
“Nee, I am sorry. I won’t. Besides, I don’t even know where they are. I’m a messenger, that’s all.”
Thus began an odd, frightening chapter in Wayne’s life. Over the next several days, Wayne ratcheted back and forth between denial and anger, swinging over to understanding the seriousness of his situation. Finally, the deacon resorted to staying at the Lapp home full time, getting to know the ghosts and demons of Wayne’s tumultuous childhood. “So, when your mamm left, she left all of you behind? Even the youngest?”
Wayne felt as though his psyche had been turned inside-out and exposed to the whole world from a second-floor window. He spoke reluctantly about his childhood.
Deacon King had a basic understanding of psychology. Falling back on that, he began slowly pulling responses out of Wayne. As he did so, he began helping Wayne to understand his memories and responses to how his daed treated all of them. “Remember, I’m no expert in matters of the mind or heart. But, it seems to me that your childhood memories are coloring your ability to respond to this need in your family for Lizzie to work, and for Leora to work. Ja, they are your wife and daughter. And they are good, steady Amishwomen. But remember, she is also your partner, standing beside you, not kneeling at your feet. Tell me, what did your daed expect of your mamm?”
Reluctantly, Wayne remembered the shouting, insults and hitting. No wife of mine will be earning money! I don’t care if she works in my house. She is to take care of my house and my kinder and that is all! Despite his mother’s arguments that they needed the money she earned. Husband, our crop failed because there was no rain! How were we to feed and clothe the kinder and ourselves? That was followed by a resounding smack that Wayne felt in his entire being. Hearing his mamm landing on the floor, he gulped back tears, hating his weakness, but knowing he couldn’t run out to protect her. . . next, he remembered walking into the still, cold kitchen that horrible day. Learning that his mamm had left, leaving all of them behind felt like the biggest betrayal he had ever experienced. “Deacon, he wanted her to stay at home, taking care of the house and all of us. She baked and got other wives to take the cookies, pies and cakes and sell them for her. Then, they brought her the money the items earned. She used this for the bills and to build her ‘escape account.’ I. . .” Wayne couldn’t continue. His anger and grief closed his throat tight.
Deacon waited for a few minutes. “Wayne, have you ever heard the term, ‘domestic violence?’” At the shake of Wayne’s bent head, he continued. “This is when a spouse, sometimes but not always the husband, abuses the other spouse physically. Sometimes, they abuse emotionally, putting the other spouse down. Other times, they use money to control their spouse. And sometimes, they use. . . well, sexual means.”
Wayne was angered. “Deacon, I don’t do that!” He felt shame when he remembered how he was counseled by the elders several months earlier. “Ja, well, I was just. . .”
“Nee, Wayne. You were trying to exert your physical control over Lizzie and that was why she had to quit work. Many of the wives saw the bruises you left on her face. They aren’t stupid. They knew. And we found out. That is why the elders came to talk to you. Now, Lizzie and Leora are in a safe space. They will come home once they know that you aren’t going to assault Lizzie or even Leora to force Lizzie to quit her job at the shop. Ja? Now, I strongly suspect. . . nee, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. He, that is your daed, abused your mamm. And you and your siblings by extension because you were forced to hear or witness all that. And now, because it is all you know, you use that as a measure against your family, even though you love them.”
Wayne opened his mouth. Unable to speak, he closed it again, then the realization slammed into him, just as though he had been punched in the gut. He forced his breath out through pursed lips and closed his eyes. He’s right. “I need to think about this, Deacon. I see what you are saying, and I see the connections I couldn’t see before. But. . . I need time to think.”
Deacon King nodded. “I will be in your shop, working on that dining room set. When you are ready, join me.”
Inside the kitchen after the deacon had gone to his workshop, Wayne struggled with all his realizations. Seeing the parallels between his actions and those of his daed, he felt ashamed and dirty. For the first time, he began to wonder if everyone was right.
***
While Wayne was struggling with his past, Caleb began to experience pride in his own level of progress. He believed that, unlike Wayne, he had become truly “understanding” of Annie’s need for creativity and to have something of her own. Caleb had been to the hospital to visit Wayne after Wayne’s accident. During those visits, he didn’t discuss the reasons that Wayne got so badly injured. Missing a huge opportunity, Caleb didn’t realize the depth of Wayne’s struggles with his abusive childhood.
At home, Caleb would remind himself that he was grateful that Annie only had to work half-days in the store now that Naomi was the full-time manager. When the money came in for the crops he sold, he put some of that back into the family’s savings account to pay off a huge portion of his bank note. Driving his buggy back home, Caleb said a quiet prayer of thanksgiving and made plans to ready his fields for the next spring’s crops.
That night, after supper and devotions, he and Annie sat down with their notebooks, book of accounts and receipts so they could see where they were financially. “So, now that my bank note is paid down so much, maybe you can. . .”
With a sinking heart and strong sadness, Annie sensed where Caleb’s thoughts were going. She promptly dashed his hopes. “Nee, Caleb. You know this year’s crops were good. If they hadn’t been, you would have had to make a much smaller payment or use some of the money from my store to make a good payment. Thank Gott you had such a good crop this year! But what will happen next year? And the year after that? We don’t know. Only Gott does, so we need to be ready just in case weather or some other reason has a bad effect on your crops next year. Caleb, I have been watching you as I go to work and come back home. I see that you have made so much progress! You are responding so well to my store, but don’t make the mistake of thinking you have your thoughts and feelings under control.”
Caleb was stunned and speechless when Annie spoke up. That was just what he had been doing. He thought he could let loose of the tight control he had been exerting over his reactions to Annie’s store. He admitted privately to feeling sinful pride. Now, he felt shamed and frustrated. “Annie, I need time to pray and think.” Retreating into his barn, Caleb sank to the bench, where he buried his head in his hands and prayed silently and fervently. “Gott, please help me! I a
llowed my pride to get in the way of my good judgment and I very nearly took something away from Annie that we clearly still need.”
Son, Annie gave you a very good lesson. Use her store as a reminder that, even when things go well for you, you still need to rely on Me, just as you rely on her and her store to keep you afloat when things are bad.
***
It was several weeks later that Caleb bumped into Wayne in town. By now, Wayne’s fears and insecurities had fooled him into thinking that Lizzie would be leaving and that he had to make her quit her job at the quilting shop. Lizzie and Leora had been staying in hiding for some time now, and Wayne had to force himself to rely on the word of others that they were still in Peace Valley. “Caleb, we need to sit down and talk about my. . . situation. . .”
Caleb grimaced. He didn’t want to be involved in the middle of another family’s messy situation, but he also wanted to let Wayne know that he had been praying for him. “Okay, but I really need to get back. I have my helpers doing the weeding and I want to make sure they aren’t weeding the corn out of my fields.”
Wayne’s chuckle was halfhearted. He could barely think of anyone else, for the loud clamor the warning voices had going in his head. “Ja, I know what you mean. Listen, can we go to get some coffee? But not here. I don’t want anyone here overhearing us.”
Caleb’s brow wrinkled as he gave his old friend an odd look. “It’ll have to be in a day or two, if you can wait. I really have to oversee these kids.”
Wayne sighed loudly. “Ja, I suppose I can wait. Meet me at my place right after breakfast. We’ll get something there and talk.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Two days later, Caleb drove into Wayne’s yard. Seeing his friend standing on his porch, he nodded to him and waved him over. “Let’s go! The morning is still young, but that town is a ways away.”
Amish Heart and Soul Page 6
