Wayne jogged over to Caleb’s buggy and clambered on. “Denki. Did your crew weed the weeds and not the crops the other day?”
“Ja, but barely. One of them was convinced that a starting corn plant was a weed. No matter that my older helper was telling him that it was a young corn plant, he was convinced it was a weed. It took me to tell him that Joshua was right.”
Wayne grunted absentmindedly. “Ja, that’s why I haven’t hired anyone that young. Carpentry is dangerous and I just don’t want anyone else hurt like I was.”
“Ja, I understand. What were you doing, anyway?”
“Cutting out a special pattern with the router. I wasn’t paying attention to how close my hand was to the blade.”
“Aren’t you normally more careful? Were you, what, distracted?”
Wayne didn’t want to admit, even to one of his oldest friends, that he had been so angry at Lizzie and about their argument that he had completely ignored basic safety. “Ja, pretty much. I had. . . a lot on my mind and just let it intrude on my normal good sense.”
Finally, they arrived in in a town that was about seven miles distant from Peace Valley. Wayne directed Caleb to a diner on an out-of-the-way side street. “The coffee and the food here are gutt. Well worth the drive.”
Caleb nodded. “I’ll have some coffee and a slice of pie.”
“I’ll have a full breakfast. My cooking is just bad.”
Caleb chuckled. He felt uneasy—the anger coming off Wayne was almost palpable. “Where do you want to sit?”
“In the back.” Sitting down, the two men placed their orders. As they waited, Wayne finally brought up what was on his mind. “Caleb, they’re staying somewhere in Peace Valley, or so I’m told. And I’ve been told they won’t come home until I get my anger under control and I’m ‘less of a danger’ to Lizzie. But what they don’t realize is that her job is the problem.” As he rambled on, Wayne repeated this point several times, alarming Caleb slightly.
“Wayne, Annie told me something the other day. I will confess, I was becoming prideful about my success in viewing Annie, her store and need to own something of her own. Well, I had a wunderbaar year with the crops. I did well and made a large payment on my bank note. I made the mistake of telling Annie that, maybe, she could sell her store and be at home with me full-time. Well, Wayne, let me tell you. Annie set me straight fast. She reminded me that Gott gave us a good year with the crops this year, but that there is no guarantee for next year or any year afterward. She told me that I had been doing so well in accepting the reality of her store and working outside the home. Then, she told me not to make the mistake of thinking that I have my feelings and thoughts under control every day of the week.
“Wayne, I had to hear that. It was Gott speaking through. . .” Wayne stopped as the server brought their orders and more coffee. “Thank you, miss.” He waited until the server was a good distance away. “It was Gott speaking through Annie, reminding me that I had allowed myself the sin of pride. I thought I could relax a little on my feelings about her working. After that, I went to my barn and prayed for a while.”
Wayne was silent, quickly downing the scrambled eggs and sausage on his plate. “Did she say anything else?”
“Ja, as a matter of fact. She told me that my beliefs that women should stay at home are sexist. That I need to start looking at her and other women in other ways, that they are capable of holding down jobs outside the home as well. . .”
“Sexist? Nee! It’s the way of the world, the way Gott intended the world to be! Bah, whatever. I am working with the elders and trying to understand. But it’s not easy!”
After listening to Wayne, Caleb began wondering if Annie was right after all. Trying to decide whether Wayne or the group of people that were protecting Lizzie and Leora were right, he got fed up. “Wayne, all of this thinking is just giving me a huge headache. I need to stop at the market and buy some repair tools anyway, so we’d better get back to Peace Valley. Are you done with your plate?”
“Ja. I’ll pay for breakfast.” Pulling several wrinkled bills out of his wallet, Wayne covered the tip and the bill. Leaving, he swung up into the buggy next to Caleb, allowing his dark thoughts to take him where they would.
Caleb looked at Wayne’s downcast face. “How is your carpentry coming along these days? Are you finding that you’re stronger now and taking on more of your work?”
Wayne roused from where his thoughts had taken him. “Ja, it is getting better. Slowly, but that’s what my therapist warned me about. He said that I would want to move faster, but that I should respect the healing of my arm and hand.”
“It has been weeks. No months! Ja?”
“Ja. Here it is, fall, and I am still not working on everything as I used to do. I still need help from other carpenters. But I am getting there. Last week, I made myself handle the broom with both hands. It hurt, but I did it. I also made myself pick up chunks of lumber with both hands so I could put them into saving bins. By the end of that, I was sweating and hurting. . . but I did it!”
“Gutt job! So, when will you be released to go back to working full-time?”
“Not soon enough! I am chafing! I guess this allows me to put everything into my stupid physical therapy. Who knows? I am determined to get back to normal and start my carpentry work as soon as they say I can do so. Then, Lizzie will be quitting her job. For gutt.”
At a certain tone in Wayne’s voice, Caleb felt a chill that slithered down his spine. Even though he felt it, he chose to ignore it. “Are you working with the Yoders and the elders?”
Wayne let out a loud, guttural growl. “I am. I have to or risk losing everything. Including my membership here in Peace Valley.”
That warning shiver skated along Caleb’s nerves once again. Again, he chose to disregard it. Dropping Wayne off at his home, he saw the woman who was cleaning Wayne’s house coming out the front door. Before pulling out of the yard, he overheard her beginning to speak to Wayne. “Mr. Lapp, it’s taking me longer, not shorter, to clean your house every week. I am going to have to bring one of my girls with me so I can finish in a reasonable amount of time.”
Caleb was now well out of the yard and down the road, so he barely heard Wayne’s response. What he did hear was the anger in Wayne’s voice. Turning and looking back, he saw the woman running toward her buggy and jumping in, fear outlining her posture and movements. Again, that feeling of fear scraped Caleb’s nerve endings. Now, he wondered if he should pay attention to the warnings it was giving. Arriving at home, feeling preoccupied, he found Annie, busily working in the house.
“Husband, Linda Yoder came by today. She, Eli and the deacon will be able to come over starting next week so we can start working together. I said that, because of your farming schedule, we’d have to meet in the evenings or on Saturdays. She was agreeable.”
Caleb was silent for several minutes, just thinking. At first, he wanted to refuse, but remembered his own concern with several of Wayne’s statements. “Ja, that’s fine. Do you know if they are still working with Wayne and Lizzie?”
“Ja, to my knowledge, they are. Of course, with Lizzie and Leora staying elsewhere, they have to meet in a neutral place They go to the bishop’s house to work on the intervention sessions. Why?”
Caleb decided to speak up, but instead of voicing all of his concerns, he minimized them to Annie. “I spent a little time with Wayne today. He still seems pretty angry that Lizzie has gone back to the quilt store.”
“Well, of course, she has! After nearly chopping his arm off, he can’t work! It’s only with the blessing of the other carpenters and Lizzie’s work that they haven’t lost their home!”
This reminds Caleb of the precariousness of their own situation. “Ja. . . it’s only Gott’s blessings that allow us to live as we do.”
Caleb’s tone of voice captured Annie’s attention. Knowing him as she did, she knew something was wrong.
Picking up a cookie, Caleb thought. “His anger at not b
eing able to work is normal. I get that, he wants to get back to making things and earning money again. But he sees to forget that, if Lizzie hadn’t gone back to work. . .”
“They would have lost a lot, Caleb. She was frightened when she and Leora left their house. Apparently, Wayne threatened her again.”
Caleb tossed the cookie into the trash. “He could be banned! Annie, I know I’m not always thrilled about your store. But I am working on getting used to it and accepting your ownership.”
“But Wayne? He’s not accepting the necessity of Lizzie working?”
Caleb was reluctant to tell on Wayne, but honesty compelled him to speak. “. . . Nee. He isn’t. As soon as he’s cleared to work, he plans to make her quit working.”
“Caleb, you need to tell the bishop! Lizzie and Leora can’t go home until he realizes that we women can work outside the home without violating the Ordnung.”
Caleb didn’t want to argue with Annie. “I’ll be in the barn. I need to think.” Before he lost his temper, Caleb left the house.
***
Driving to the deacon’s house, Caleb and Annie met with the Kings and Yoders. After thinking about what he heard from Wayne, Caleb decided it was past time to speak up. “I am just worried that Lizzie is going to go back home from wherever she is. . . and he’s still got a lot of anger toward her and their situation.”
“We will intervene with Wayne. Thank you for telling us this because you are right. They can’t go home until Wayne has felt with his feelings and realizes that it is okay for our women to work. Speaking of which, Annie, how has Caleb been treating you in respect to your store?”
Annie was honest. She forced Caleb to own up to his feelings. “Ja, I fell into pridefulness and she called me on it. Ever since then, I have been remembering to work on my own attitude daily.”
“Is it still a still a struggle? Do you still feel like you have to force Annie to sell and stay at home full-time?” This was Eli speaking.
“At times, ja.”
“Annie, has he been calmer? What about threats?”
“Ja, he is calmer. Less anger, no threats, although he does admit to frustration. He goes to the barn when he feels that happening.”
“Gutt, gutt!” The meeting went on, with everyone discussing sexism and misogyny. The meeting ended with Deacon King reminding Caleb that Annie was no longer tied to the house, caring for a large family. “Most of your kinder have grown up, married and have homes of their own.”
Caleb nodded slowly. He was beginning to understand. “So, what everyone has been saying is that, if couples agree together that the wife can or should work, it’s within our Ordnung. It’s okay for wives to work outside the house. I’m beginning to see that. But, if husbands need their wives at home, what then?”
Eli leaned forward, wanting to respond. “This is why married couples are to discuss their individual situations among themselves. They are to decide what their family’s needs dictate. Caleb, what are your family’s needs?”
“We rely on my farming and her store. Before we became involved with your group, I wanted her to sell it. Every time, Annie has reminded me that, in bad farming years, the proceeds from her store have allowed us to keep our heads above water. In good farming years, the profits from her store go into savings, against emergencies. And I do have to admit, she has been open to making changes to meet me halfway. She stopped working full-time. She works part-time now after making Naomi the manager.”
After conferring with each other, the peer group decided on five more sessions before assessing their progress once again. Caleb was pleasantly surprised. He decided to ask again about Wayne. “What will happen to him if he doesn’t begin working with you?”
“Nothing, really. But if he goes after Lizzie or Leora, then he knows full well what could happen. I do want to ask you not to allow him to work on your mind again.”
Caleb readily agreed, still feeling spooked. “I know I will probably bump into him and I will just say I have too much work. But there is something. . . strange going on with him. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like his anger comes from deep within.”
Eli and Linda looked at each other, then at Deacon King. “Hannes, I think we’ve been given an excellent direction on Wayne. Caleb, denki. We will be able to work much better with Wayne now that we know this.”
***
At this time, Wayne decided to try and find where Lizzie and Leora were staying. He also withheld some of the truth about his own situation, then followed Lizzie back to where she was staying.
Eli was ready for that and, seeing Wayne trailing far behind them, he took Lizzie and Leora to the bishop’s house.
Wayne, seeing Lizzie stepping out of the buggy with Leora, broke off his pursuit. Feeling the familiar anger bubbling close to the surface, he went into the shop and gathered several small pieces of lumber. Outside, he began flinging them, with his healing arm, at the oak tree. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he threw every scrap until he was physically exhausted. Collapsing to his knees under the tree, he closed his eyes. Then, he heard the smallest voice.
“Why do you try to control everything? Deep down, you know you need Lizzie’s help. She loves you and your kinder. She isn’t going to leave you. If she had bad intent, she would have done so long ago. Don’t you want a much more mutual, relaxed relationship with her, where you can focus on your love for her? Or do you want to control her through fear of your temper and fists?
“Wayne, I want you to tell the peer group what happened when you were a boy. This is why you are acting as you are. And, if you don’t get yourself off that path, you are going to lose everything and everyone.”
Raising his head, Wayne looked around. He knows it was Gott speaking to him, but he wanted to be sure nobody was around. The voice returns. “Wayne, you can be a big help to help, women and the elders here. You don’t need to let anyone know that I am talking to you or that you are the source of the help. Go talk to the bishop and tell him everything. You need healing in order to get past your anger.”
“Lord? If this is you, am I losing my mind? Or are you really talking to me?”
“I am really talking to you. Yes, you are struggling, but that’s because you went through such a horrific time as a young boy. If you hadn’t had your daed’s actions and attitudes ad an example, you would not struggle with the thought of equality for Lizzie or your daughters. Think about your sisters. Have they married men who welcomed their financial help? Or are they in bad, abusive marriages?”
“They are all in bad marriages. Their husbands don’t even allow them to sell their baking or quilts from their homes.” Wayne rolled to his knees just in case he vomited from the memories. After this encounter with Gott, Wayne became much more introspective. He committed himself anew to working with the peer group even though he still struggled with the idea of equality for Lizzie and Leora. He also went to talk to the bishop, telling him of his abusive childhood.
Sitting with Wayne in the sparkling kitchen of his home, the bishop nodded once. “At a glance, Wayne, I think you need to speak to a mental health specialist. Continue working with me, the peer group and elders. Lizzie and Leora are fully committed to coming home to you when it is safe and you won’t be at risk of losing your temper and beating either one of them. Nee, I won’t tell you where they are,”
Wiping tears from his face, Wayne gave a broken chuckle. “Ja, I understand.” As long as his therapy was kept confidential, he agreed to begin working with a counselor. This began several days later. After a few months, Wayne began to respond differently to situations that, before used to enrage him.
Both Lizzie and Leora noticed this during peer counseling sessions.
Wayne noticed that Caleb was avoiding him. Catching up to him after Sunday services, he asked Caleb to join him for lunch.
After several minutes of discussion, Caleb agreed reluctantly that he had been avoiding him. “I didn’t want to set you off. The last time we got together, some of
the things you said scared me. I don’t want to be banned. I want to keep my family and friends around me.”
Wayne stayed quiet for several long seconds, thinking. “Caleb, let me tell you something in confidence. I am in therapy to deal with the memories of my childhood. My daed was abusive to my mamm. To my brothers, sisters and me. I know now that mamm left because he abused her so much. He didn’t even allow her to work from home, baking to earn extra. . . nee, no, not ‘extra’ money. To help our family financially. Ja, I’m still angry with her for not at least taking the youngest kinder. But that’s in the past. I am realizing that now. I don’t want to lose my family or friends either. I know in my heart that Lizzie doesn’t have bad intentions for me.”
After this conversation, the two men resumed their friendship, which helps Wayne to make even more progress in therapy. He overheard one of the Peace Valley women talking about Lizzie’s absence from the Lapp home. This brought back old fears; he began to skip peer sessions. However, he kept up with his therapy, knowing he would be banned if he started to skip them.
***
The elders and peer counselors sat in Bishop Kurtz’ home, discussing Wayne’s non-attendance at peer meetings. “I am not surprised. I have seen the anger returning to his face again. I’m going to go visit with him and let him know what I am seeing.”
***
While the elders and peer counselors were meeting, Caleb and Wayne were at the market, buying items they needed. Again, the same gossipy Amish woman was at the market at the same time. She wasn’t able to let go of the titillating topic of Lizzie not living with her husband—Wayne and Caleb overheard her.
“Nee, she’s still not there! She probably separated from him for one reason or another. . . and Leora is with her as well. She’s still working at The Quilt Place, probably earning up enough money to move to another Amish community. Anna, I have to admit that Wayne scares me, with those dark, angry moods of his. . .”
Caleb looked at Wayne, seeing the dark flush of embarrassment on his cheeks. “Here, watch my stuff. I’ll be right back.” Caleb’s long strides ate up the distance between them and the gossipy woman. Taking her elbow firmly, Caleb got her attention. “Ruth, anyone in this market and clear into the next three counties can hear everything you are saying. And what you are saying is no more than worthless gossip. Shut your mouth.”
Amish Heart and Soul Page 7
