by Leslie Gould
“But it’s time to get dinner for Dat.”
Rose shook her head. “He ended up going to the lumberyard today.” She started back for the kitchen. “I’ll just grab my cape and go with Shani right now. It won’t take me any time.”
Lila bit her tongue from saying anything more. Rose seemed less dependable lately, as if she’d reverted back to the way she had been a couple of years ago. And she felt bad that Dat was off at the lumberyard today, and Beth was back teaching at school. It was pretty much business as usual for them, except for Beth moving into the house. She still had to clean the little cottage she’d been living in though. Lila sighed, wishing she could help. She doubted Rose had thought of it.
When Lila awoke, two plastic crates were stacked by the front door, and the house was still. And there was no scent of bread baking or soup simmering. Perhaps Rose was doing some outside chores. Lila shifted in the chair and went back to sleep.
The next time Lila awoke, the sun was low. “Rose?” she called out, reaching for her crutches. She hadn’t realized how tired she’d been.
No one answered. She called out again.
Finally her sister came into the room. “Have you started supper?” Lila asked.
“No,” her sister said. “I thought Beth might have an idea.”
Lila shook her head. “She’s taught all day, and she still has to clean her cottage. You need to cook supper.”
Rose’s eyes grew teary. Lila ignored her sister. She didn’t have patience for her drama.
“Are you picking up Trudy?”
Rose shook her head. “She’s waiting at school and coming home with Beth.” She swiped at her eyes. “You’re right. I need to make supper. I’ll get started now.”
Lila braced herself with the crutches, pulled up to a standing position, and made her way to the hallway and the bedroom she shared with Rose and Trudy. Her bed, the one Rose had most likely been sleeping in, wasn’t made. It would have been thoughtful of Rose to put clean sheets on it. Perhaps she still planned to.
Lila shuffled back and forth between the boxes by the front door and the bedroom, tucking nightclothes and toiletries under her arm to transport them. After a few trips she stopped. She’d wait and ask Rose to carry the boxes in.
By the time Trudy and Beth arrived home, Rose had a pot of stew simmering on the stove and biscuits baking in the oven. Beth greeted everyone warmly and then said she’d go out and help Dat finish up with the milking.
When they all came in the house a half hour later, Zane was with them. “We got off work early,” he said. “A building permit didn’t come through.”
Lila appreciated him helping Dat.
Beth was all smiles as she asked Zane to stay for supper and then headed down the hall to wash up. Trudy finished setting the table and started filling the glasses with water without being told. By the time they sat down at the table, Lila felt weary but grateful. The house felt alive again. Rose still seemed down in the dumps, but the atmosphere had changed.
After Dat led them in prayer, Beth said she had an announcement to make. “It seems the board has found a teacher to take my place after Christmas vacation.”
Lila was surprised. She’d assumed Beth would keep teaching.
“Wunderbar,” Dat said. “That is good news.”
“Who is it?” Trudy asked.
“A niece of Monika’s,” Beth replied. “She lives in the next district over. She’s nineteen and has been hoping for a teaching position.”
“All the scholars will be sad to see you go,” Trudy said.
“And I’ll be sad too,” Beth answered. “But I have a husband to take care of. And a home. And daughters.” She looked straight at Trudy. “And with Lila and Rose both getting married soon, there’s even more reason for me to be home.”
Zane reached under the table and squeezed Lila’s hand. She appreciated his kind gesture. Rose buttered her biscuit, keeping her eyes down.
Beth smiled again. “I’m very aware of how blessed I am,” she said. “To become a wife and mother and grandmother—all in one day. It’s more than I could have ever dreamed of. Moving to Lancaster County turned out to be the best decision of my life.”
Lila smiled back at her, trying to formulate something to say in return. Before she could though, Dat surprised her by saying, “It’s me who’s blessed. Having you in my life, in my home, a part of my family—well, it’s more than I ever hoped for too.”
Lila was dumbfounded. She’d never heard Dat speak from his heart like that.
There was a moment of silence before Beth said, “Denki, Tim.” She swiped at her eyes quickly and then said, “Rose, the stew is delicious. And the biscuits smell heavenly.” She took one from the basket.
The conversation shifted to a cow that was near giving birth, and a calf that was slow to take the bottle. Trudy said she’d feed it in the morning, that the little ones did better with her.
Everyone laughed, but she was probably right.
Lila took a few bites of the stew. It was good. Rose was a good cook. Lila buttered half of a biscuit and took a few bites of it too, wishing she were hungrier. She didn’t burn enough calories to need to eat much though. She was sure her appetite would return once she was doing more.
The next morning the physical therapist came to the house and worked with Lila for an hour, teaching her exercises to strengthen her core and legs, and stretch out her pelvic area. She hadn’t slept well, and she’d been anxious most of the night.
After the therapy ended, Lila decided to take a pain pill and nap.
Zane got off work early again, in midafternoon. He came by in his buggy and asked Lila if she wanted to go visit Jenny and the Bobbli. He’d been running Billie up and down the lane and then out on the highway for the last couple of weeks, and he’d been doing fine. When Rose chirped up that she would like to go, Lila could hardly refuse to, even though she still felt groggy from the meds. It would be her first buggy ride since the accident.
Lila retrieved the Bobbli quilt, made from yellow-and-green scraps, she’d stitched last summer in anticipation of Jenny and Daniel’s baby.
Rose carried Lila’s crutches down the stairs while Zane carried Lila. She giggled a little as he did.
“You’re too light,” he whispered as they reached the buggy. “You should work on gaining back the weight you lost.”
She shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.
Zane drove extra cautiously and asked Lila several times if she was doing all right.
“I’m fine,” she answered each time, but she caught herself glancing in the rearview mirror several times and bracing herself when Zane stopped at an intersection and a car came up behind them. She held her breath as Billie sidestepped one time, but then he stayed still. Zane drove cautiously and seemed to be in control of the horse.
When they reached Jenny and Daniel’s house, Lila breathed a sigh of relief and resolved to be as cheerful as she could. And it worked. This time it was much easier to see the Bobbli. Jenny had just finished feeding her, and once Lila was seated, she handed Brook to her to burp.
“Rose,” Lila said. “You should take her. You haven’t had a chance yet.”
“I’ll hold her next,” Rose said.
Daniel hadn’t gotten home from work yet, but Monika was helping Jenny out, getting supper started in the kitchen. Rose wandered in to talk with her.
When Rose returned, Lila told her to take the Bobbli.
Rose seemed a little reluctant, but finally she took her. She sat down on the sofa beside Lila.
“What’s wrong?” Jenny asked.
Lila glanced at Rose. She was crying. Confused, Lila tried to make light of it. “I guess our little niece has a strange effect on us Lehman girls.”
Rose turned toward Zane, shielding her face. “How about if you have a turn?”
“I thought I’d never get the chance.” He stood and scooped Brook into his arms, ignoring Rose, which was probably for the best. He held the baby with
ease, making eye contact and then making a funny face. “I’m so pleased to meet you, Brook,” he said. “I’m Zane. Soon I’ll be your Uncle Zane. Someday Lila and I’ll have cousins for you to play with.”
It was Lila’s turn to brush at her eyes, and not just out of sadness. Under the best of circumstances, Zane would have sounded prideful to assume they’d be able to have a Bobbli of their own. Under the present circumstances, he sounded foolish.
Lila reached for her crutches, wanting to escape. She’d go down to the kitchen and talk to Monika.
But Rose beat her to it. With tears rolling down her face, she hurried down the hall, either to the bathroom or back to the kitchen. Lila couldn’t be sure.
Friday morning, just before the driver arrived to take Lila to the doctor, she took a pain pill and then put the bottle on the counter. She only had a half bottle left, and she’d save those just in case she needed them to get through appointments and the very worst nights. She wouldn’t refill the prescription once it ran out—she’d already told Shani she didn’t want to—and she’d honestly do her best not to take any more at all.
She made her way toward the front door, hoping to get down the steps and wait for the driver outside, instead of making him wait for her when he arrived.
But as she made her way past the table, the sound of a car surprised her. The driver was early. She stepped to the window and looked out. It wasn’t the driver. It was Trevor’s red sports car.
Zane climbed out and hurried up the back stairs, knocking on the door.
Lila crutched her way to the door and opened it. “What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Mom said I should go to the doctor with you,” he said. “I took the day off work. Trevor said he could give us a ride.”
Lila shook her head, as Trevor came up the steps behind Zane. “You shouldn’t have taken time off. A driver is coming any minute. It’s too late to cancel.” The last thing she wanted was for Trevor to hang around at the doctor’s office with them.
Zane smiled. “Well, I want to go, but I guess we don’t need you to drive. Thanks for offering, though.”
Trevor shrugged. “I’ll go ahead and go to work, for just the morning.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Is Rose around?”
“Somewhere . . . She’d mentioned doing the laundry.” She’d gotten behind earlier in the week.
“I just wanted to say hello,” Trevor said. “Mind if I check down in the basement?”
Lila didn’t think there was any harm in Trevor saying hello, although she thought it was odd. “Call down the stairs first,” Lila said. “Don’t surprise her. It’s kind of creepy down there.”
Once he disappeared, Lila whispered, “I was thinking I’d wait outside for the driver. But I don’t want to go outside if Trevor is in the house with Rose.”
Zane glanced toward the end of the kitchen where the basement door was. “I don’t have any idea what he’s up to—I don’t think they’ve seen each other in weeks. I’ll help you outside and then go check on them.”
Lila nodded. Maybe Trevor was just being friendly, but she appreciated that Zane shared her concern. “Denki,” Lila said. “Let’s go down the front steps.” By the time she reached the bottom one, the driver was in sight. “Go check,” Lila said. “Tell Trevor he needs to leave and hurry back.”
She shivered in the frigid air as Zane bounded back up the steps. The sky was an angry gray with storm clouds gathering in the distance. Once the car parked, Lila slipped into the back seat, asked the driver to wait, and positioned her crutches along the floor of the car. She was thankful the heat in the car was on, nearly full blast.
A minute later, both Zane and Trevor came down the back steps. Trevor waved and Lila waved back. Once Zane was settled in the back seat beside her, she asked in a whisper if Trevor thought it was weird that Zane had gone in after him.
“He was back in the kitchen,” Zane said. “He said he just told Rose a quick hello.”
“Weird,” Lila said.
Zane exhaled. “Yeah, Trevor can be a little sneaky, but there wasn’t enough time for anything to happen, not even a conversation.”
Lila’s thoughts soon fell to the doctor’s appointment ahead of her, and she didn’t give Trevor or Rose another thought.
The driver stopped at the front door of the clinic, and Zane grabbed Lila’s crutches. He hurried around to her side of the car and then stayed by her side as she shuffled into the building and on down to the office at the end of the hall. After filling out the paper work, Lila was called back into an examination room for a test. Zane stayed in the waiting room while Lila made her way down the hall on her crutches, annoyed by the pain under her arms. First she changed into a gown and then carefully climbed onto the table. When the technician returned she explained that she would be doing an ultrasound and that they had waited until now to do it because they needed the swelling in her abdomen to go down. “That way we can get an idea of how much scar tissue there is,” she said.
Lila closed her eyes during the test, not wanting to look at her ovaries and uterus and try to guess at the damage. When the technician finished, she told Lila to get dressed and go back out into the waiting room until the doctor was ready to see her.
They waited over an hour, and when they were finally called back it was to the doctor’s actual office, not a clinical room. Framed certificates lined two of the walls and books filled a case behind his desk.
He looked up from his computer as they entered and then stood, reaching out to shake Zane’s hand. Once Lila sat down, he shook hers.
The doctor was probably around Dat’s age, with short graying hair.
“I’m sorry about your accident.” He looked Lila in the eyes as he sat down.
She nodded, and he turned back to the computer screen. “I have the results of the ultrasound here.” He glanced her way as he spoke.
“Your left ovary is damaged by scar tissue,” the doctor said. “Your right one appears to have some damage, but not as much. As far as your pelvis, it definitely has been compromised. If you can get pregnant, you’ll probably have to be on bed rest and then have a C-section. It would probably be too much pressure on your pelvis to deliver vaginally.”
Lila sat perfectly still, unable to respond, although her face grew warm. She wasn’t accustomed to such frank talk.
“Any questions?” the doctor asked.
Lila shook her head.
Zane cleared his throat. “What’s the probability of pregnancy?”
“There’s no way to know for sure,” the doctor answered.
“Is there a chance that more scar tissue will develop?”
“Yes, there’s always that chance. Harvesting eggs is definitely something you should consider.”
Lila tried to catch Zane’s attention, but he continued on with his questions. “How much does that procedure cost?”
The doctor frowned. “A lot. You’d have to ask our business department for the exact numbers.”
It didn’t matter how much it cost—it wouldn’t be allowed. She didn’t know of any Amish women who had gone through fertility treatment. If a woman couldn’t get pregnant, it was God’s will. Not something to be fixed by expensive treatments.
Zane leaned forward. “Would you say that the sooner natural pregnancy is attempted, the better the chances?”
Lila wanted to cover her face with her hands. She was sure her cheeks were red by now.
The doctor smiled a little. “Yes, if scar tissue is a concern, then trying to get pregnant soon makes sense.” The doctor rubbed the back of his neck. “My Amish patients don’t usually have so many questions.”
Zane was quiet for a moment, but then he cleared his throat and finally met Lila’s gaze.
Stop, she mouthed.
He shook his head. “How soon can—”
Lila eased herself out of her chair, grabbed her cape and then her crutches.
“Sexual relations be continued?” the doctor asked.
&
nbsp; Zane shook his head. “Started. We’re not married.”
“Oh,” the doctor said, glancing at the chart.
“But we will be. As soon as—”
Lila turned her head toward the door. She’d never felt such a gap between Zane and herself in all of her life.
When Zane didn’t finish his sentence, the doctor said, “I don’t see any physical reason to wait, but it’s up to the patient of course. Discomfort can’t be gauged by an ultrasound or any other test. It varies from patient to patient.”
Why couldn’t Zane take her feelings into consideration? These were answers she could get another way, she was sure. Or at another appointment, without Zane.
Lila swung her cape over her shoulders and positioned her crutches under her arms. “Thank you,” she said to the doctor. Then she headed out the door. She was in the hall before she realized Zane hadn’t followed her. She kept on going.
She waited in the lobby. She’d signed a release allowing Zane to speak with the doctor, but she hadn’t expected he’d go on and on with his questions.
The receptionist asked if she could help her.
Lila shook her head, afraid that if she spoke she’d cry. She wasn’t sure what was worse—the uncertain news or Zane not cooperating with her. She understood it was his concern too, but he wasn’t being sensitive to what she needed.
She lowered her head, concentrating on composing herself, her thoughts drifting to baby Brook, to the baby’s DNA, some of which was her biological father’s. Butch Wilson. Did he still live in Virginia? If he knew what she was going through—about the accident, the medical bills, the repercussions—would he have come to see her?
She shook her head at her own foolishness. There was no point in tormenting herself. Dat might not verbalize his care, but he’d certainly shown it by providing for her all of these years. She had no right to dig up the past. It would only cause hurt and conflict.
Finally Zane started down the hall, carrying her purse. She’d forgotten all about it. “Why did you leave like that?” he whispered when he reached her.
“Because I didn’t want to talk about all of that with him.”
