A Hope Beyond

by Judith Pella

  “Mr. St. John has never accepted her, has he?”

  “Never, and I don’t suppose he will. He locked away all memory of her birth and that dreadful night when he closed off her mother’s room. That’s the one at the end of the hall that always remains locked.”

  “Yes, I had presumed that.”

  “He lets no one in there, save himself, and he has yet to admit to his moments spent there. He slips in during the night when he thinks we are all asleep. But I have heard him crying there and longed to comfort him. He simply will never forgive God.”

  “More likely,” Carolina said, sighing heavily, “he will never forgive himself, either.”

  39

  Sacrifices

  “Might I have a word with you, Miss Adams?” Blake St. John inquired, coming into the family sitting room.

  Carolina gazed up from the sewing she held and smiled. “Of course.” St. John had surprised them all by appearing in time for the Fourth of July celebrations, but instead of joining them on picnics and outings to see parades, he’d chosen instead to keep to himself. This was the first time he’d even bothered to acknowledge his presence to Carolina beyond one or two brief encounters in passing.

  Blake sat opposite Carolina and crossed his legs as though intending to stay awhile. Carolina, seeing the look of determination in his expression, put aside her sewing and folded her hands in her lap.

  “I have come to some conclusions,” Blake began. “It hasn’t been easy, considering the matters before me, but I have chosen a path that I feel content with and hope you will endeavor to understand and to accept my choices.”

  “I’m certain my acceptance has never been overly important to you,” she replied coolly.

  “That is not entirely true.” Blake paused as though struggling heavily with what he was about to say. “You see, I’ve come to greatly respect you, Miss Adams. You have offered my daughter the proper upbringing to which she was entitled. You, being a lady of refinement and knowing the proprieties of society, have instilled in Victoria the necessary elements of breeding.”

  Carolina frowned. Knowing that she should hold her tongue, she barely bit back a snide reply. How would he know what she had brought to the life of his daughter? He scarcely acknowledged the child’s existence.

  “I know what you are thinking,” he said, fixing a dark, impassioned gaze upon her. “You needn’t play games with me, and I give you leave to speak freely with me because the matter I intend to speak to you about is of utmost importance to both of us.”

  “I’m sure I don’t understand.” Carolina tried to imagine what he would say next. Blake St. John never failed to amaze her, and this moment was no exception.

  “I desire to go west. I have recently acquired the book Astoria. Are you familiar with it?”

  “Washington Irving,” she declared with a nod. “Yes, I’ve read it. He speaks of westward adventure and the formation of trading posts and of Astoria, in the Oregon Territories.”

  “Yes,” St. John agreed. “I have found this to my liking and believe I will explore the possibilities for myself.”

  Carolina felt her heart give a leap. “What of Victoria?”

  “Well, that does present a problem, and it is precisely why I would speak to you now.”

  “I don’t understand. Surely you don’t propose to drag us along with you to the West? A child would never survive the—”

  “Never!” Blake interrupted. “Even I would never propose such a thing. You must try to understand, Miss Adams. I know you cannot forgive me for my actions—I neither expect or deserve that. But surely you can see how difficult my prolonged presence in this house is . . . for me and for . . . everyone. Thus, I cannot stay here another day. Nor can I bear yet another moment of her presence.”

  Anger raged inside Carolina. How dare he speak of his child in such a manner! She opened her mouth to reply, but he held up his hand to quiet her.

  “Please.” His voice was desperate. “Please hear me out.”

  “Very well.” She tried to settle her mind and still the angry retorts that hung on her lips.

  “I know I have unfairly dealt with you regarding the matter of Victoria, but suffice it to say, her mother’s death and passing is relived daily when I lay eyes upon that child. You cannot be so cruel as to hold against me that which I can scarcely admit to myself.” He got up and paced the floor behind the chair, pausing only long enough to stare out the front window into the darkened city street outside.

  “I want to go west, but I do not desire to take Victoria with me. I implore you to understand that it is actually my wish to never lay eyes on the child again.” He turned abruptly, startling Carolina with the intensity of his stare. “That is where you come in.”

  “I’m sure I don’t understand.”

  “I desire you to remain here. To live on as Victoria’s sole caregiver. I will, of course, set up a bank account from which you will never want. You may draw upon it freely and furnish the place as you desire. You will be given a free hand with all of my accounts and may proceed with Victoria’s upbringing as you see fit, whether you desire to send her away to finishing school or to see her married early to some suitable young man. You may then close the house and take the proceeds from the bank, leaving Victoria whatever you choose.”

  Carolina felt her eyes widen and her mouth grow slack. The stunning declaration was more than she could fathom. “Do you actually mean to give your child to me?”

  “You are the only mother she has ever known,” he reasoned. “She has great affection for you, and I know by your own admission that you in turn care for her as if she were your own.”

  “That much is true, but it hardly offers reasoning to your proposal. How could you consider leaving her for the unknown West? How could you go through life never knowing what became of her?”

  “Understand me, Miss Adams.” He gripped the back of a nearby chair and continued pleading. “I cannot give the child what she has need of. I cannot live with her any longer, and it is my intention to leave Baltimore for all time.”

  “Would you see her orphaned?”

  “Would you?” Blake asked her bluntly. “For you are truly mother to the child. If you will not agree to the terms of my proposal, then Victoria will have no one.”

  “That is hardly fair,” Carolina declared, getting to her feet.

  “Perhaps not, but it is the way I see it, and those are my terms. I leave it up to you, Miss Adams, but with or without your approval, it is my plan to make for the West before the summer is out.”

  Carolina felt a deep burden upon her in the days that followed Blake’s declaration. How could she desert the child she’d come to think of as her own? On the other hand, how could she remain in the St. John house with Blake gone, probably forever? There would never be a moment’s peace, and Carolina would literally find her life frozen in time. Gone would be any chance to seek expanding her education or of marrying and having a family of her own. And, too, no doubt her respectability would suffer if she should decide to stay on. People might see her as St. John’s “kept woman.” It was already a questionable arrangement, but were legal papers to be drawn up with a bank account at her disposal, tongues would wag and with good reason. No, her reputation was already hanging by a thread. To pursue an even more open state of dependency upon the elusive Mr. St. John would leave her in questionable public standing. Surely Blake could see that such a choice would condemn her to a life of solitude.

  Yet was it really solitude? After all, she would have Victoria and there would be no possibility of dismissal. But what if Blake found his heart suddenly mended by the change in location and remarried? Carolina’s heart felt torn at the very thought of Blake appearing one day to present a new wife and mother for Victoria. It would be wonderful for him, she thought, but how very hard it would be to let go of Victoria and give her over to another woman.

  She’d had no opportunity to speak to Blake about her fears, nor was she certain she would feel com
fortable enough to address her thoughts with him. Nevertheless, when the evening finally did arrive and Blake forced the issue of her answer, Carolina voiced her concerns, even the most delicate ones.

  “What is to stop you from disappearing for a number of years only to reappear and lay claim once again to your home and daughter? And you would be well within your rights to do so,” Carolina reasoned. “But where would that leave me? You are asking me to give up my life and my future plans without any compensation or assurance that I will not be the one left out in the cold when all is said and done.”

  Blake started to speak, but Carolina would not let him steer her away from her determination to bare her soul. “No! Hear me out. For if I do not say what is on my heart, I will forever be condemned to live with the knowledge that I left this matter undone.” He sat back in his chair and waited. “You must understand, Mr. St. John, Victoria has become very important to me. Of course you know that I love her; of that there can be no question. She is a dear little girl and I adore her. But what is to become of our relationship should you one day reappear with a new Mrs. St. John? The child I have come to love and to whom I have devoted my entire life would suddenly be taken from me.”

  Blake scowled and his countenance darkened in a foreboding manner. “There will never be another Mrs. St. John. My heart and soul went into the grave with my wife and child. How could you be so cruel as to suggest the possibility of another Mrs. St. John?”

  “Be realistic, Mr. St. John,” Carolina said, feeling quite bold. “You are a young man of handsome appearance and quality breeding. You are wealthy, and that in and of itself is enough to attract many a woman. Perhaps removing yourself from the place of your sorrow will allow your heart to mend and seek another. After all, it’s not been that long since the death of your wife.”

  Blake looked at her as if trying to weigh the validity of her statement. “My looks and breeding, my money and position, are immaterial. I have no desire to ever take another wife. I will never love another soul on this earth and that includes my daughter.”

  “You are heartless!” she declared, hands on hips.

  “Yes, and I’ve tried for lo these many years to tell you just that. I am heartless and without feeling. My emotions and feelings are dead, just as my wife and son are dead. They will not be reborn from the grave, and neither will my ability to feel and care for another.”

  He stood without warning and crossed the room to where Carolina stood. Leaning very close to her face, he spoke slowly, with deliberate caution. “It is solely in your hands, Miss Adams. Either you will remain with Victoria, or you will dismiss yourself from her presence. You accuse me of being unable to see Victoria’s needs, but I see them quite clearly. You are the one she needs, not me. I have made the ultimate sacrifice by seeing that to remove myself from her life and securing your position with her is in keeping with her very best interests. Perhaps now, if you love her as you swear, you should be prepared to sacrifice as well.”

  He left her to stare after him and contemplate his words. Carolina felt as though she might burst into tears any moment. The man was impossible! Partly for his lack of feeling and partly for his pinpointing the truth of the situation in such a way that Carolina was held totally responsible for the outcome.

  But instead of crying, Carolina fell to her knees in the middle of the family sitting room and prayed. First, she prayed for guidance and direction. Second, she prayed for Victoria and the future that the child would have. And finally, she prayed for Blake St. John that his eyes might be opened to the truth of God’s love and his heart healed from the past injustices and pains.

  40

  Paying the Piper

  Leland Baldwin basked in the glory of the moment. Philadelphia had received him quite heartily, along with his brother Samuel Baldwin. And a proposal for the development of a western Pennsylvania railroad had been met with great enthusiasm. He offered the moon, the stars, and the sun, and in turn his investors gave over a great fortune. Everyone was eager to put the depression behind them and find new means in which to make money. And most men were enthusiastic to connect with the West and promote the solidarity of a nation.

  Counting his pledges and actual cash investments, Leland was dumfounded to realize an initial outlay of over one hundred thousand dollars.

  “This will see me set with the Potomac and Great Falls investors,” he told Samuel.

  His brother, every bit as rotund as Leland, shifted nervously in the carriage and motioned to the cashbox Leland refused to secure. “Lock it all up now and let us put it where thieves won’t be inclined to ease our burden.”

  “I hardly worry about thieves,” Leland answered, locking the box. “I have a great deal more to concern myself with. If I don’t show some kind of physical evidence that the P&GF is well on its way to development, I may have a riot among its investors. Those men refuse to be put off much longer, and while I was able to show a hefty loss in the initial onset of the depression, the years that have followed have been trials in creative bookkeeping.”

  “Indeed, but how will you justify to the Pennsylvania investors that their line lies idle?”

  “Simple enough. There is the time element involved with securing the charters and land surveys. These things take time, and with that time, I can well be on my way to making the P&GF a profitable line. Don’t you see, Samuel? We have but to rob one piper to pay the other. All the time we keep the music playing by simply adjusting the purse strings.”

  “Sooner or later it must all come to a conclusion.”

  “Yes, but by that time I hope to see a tidy profit, and in turn I can repay some of what I am, shall we say, borrowing against.” Leland smiled at his own inventive genius. “Either way, I do not have to bow and scrape to make ends meet, and I am still held in esteem as a beneficial businessman. Men will flock to me as they learn of the profitability of the P&GF, and just imagine how pleased Joseph Adams will be.”

  “From the sounds of it, you’d better be more inclined to please Carolina Adams. Is it true that her father actually lets the little chit make decisions about the business dealings of the railroad?”

  “Absolutely. He’s allowed her an education that has made her wiser than I would ever have imagined a woman could be. She posted a letter to me pointing out the inaccuracies in my accounting, suggesting that I might want to forward her the receipts and investment ledgers in order that she herself could scour them for mistakes.”

  “Such nerve!” Samuel snorted and popped open a snuffbox. He procured a pinch for himself, then offered it to Leland.

  “No, no. I’ve no desire for it just yet. I have a great deal of thinking to do, and I do that best unhindered by pleasure.”

  “As you wish, brother.” Samuel replaced the box in his pocket and waved his handkerchief back and forth as if to ease himself of the heat. “These humid days are far from a favorite of mine. I do hope you haven’t planned any further excursion. I have a desire for a bath and change of clothes before we dine.”

  The carriage pulled up in front of the hotel, and Leland nodded his agreement. “A bath does sound like just the thing to cap off this day.”

  He handed the cashbox and his walking stick to his brother, then allowed two footmen to assist him from the carriage. Samuel followed behind and handed both back without ceremony. Passing into the lobby, Leland was surprised to find not one, but three messages awaiting him. All were from Washington, and all bore ill tidings.

  Glancing through the brief messages, he turned despairing eyes upon Samuel. “I must make for home. Edith is quite ill.”

  “At this hour?” Samuel asked, looking around to note the time on the grandfather clock that graced the entryway.

  “I’m afraid I’ve little choice. She fell unconscious several days ago, and by the looks of this last message posted July seventh, she has not awakened. I fear she may well succumb to her illness this time.”

  “Has she suffered these episodes before?”

  “I
ndeed. The doctor says she has a weak heart. He bleeds her constantly to take the pressure off, but it hasn’t seemed to help much. Now the doctor has informed me that after her last bleeding she fell into a deep sleep and has not yet recovered. He fears her general state of health may be such as to make recovery impossible.”

  “I am sorry, Leland. Do you wish for me to accompany you?”

  Leland could tell very well from the look on his brother’s face that he had no desire to follow him through the night to Washington.

  “No, remain here and see to any straggling investors. I will arrange to take the train. Have my things sent to me.”

  Leland made his way from the hotel and hailed a hack. He was reluctant to leave Philadelphia, while at the same time anxious to be back where he could not only look in upon Edith, but lay out a plan of action regarding the P&GF. Finally, he had the capital with which to create a sense of activity and accomplishment, and the feeling left him exhilarated in spite of Edith’s illness.

  Edith. He thought of her while passing through the evening twilight on his way to the station. He would miss her when she was gone, but in some ways he would also find great relief. His worst fear was that she might find out how he had destroyed her family fortune and swindled their friends. He didn’t care that some folks found him ruthless and insensitive, nor did he concern himself that others felt he could be rather underhanded in some of his business dealings. Rumors certainly couldn’t hurt him in that aspect, especially not when he would eventually show the world his worth by producing a fine example of a railroad in the form of Joseph Adams’ Potomac and Great Falls line. No, what kept him struggling to meet the constant demands and deadlines that besieged him was his desire to keep Edith safely ignorant of the circumstance in which he worked.

  She had never learned of their peril during his banking years. And if she had noticed small family heirlooms missing, she had never once raised a concern about such matters. Edith was simpleminded enough that she suited his purposes perfectly. She was highly regarded in Washington, and because her family had been well received, she had secured for them a respectable position within an elite social circle of wealthy peers.