by Nancy Hopper
Tasha thought back, and recalled that some of her most powerful moments with God had taken place without any words being spoken. She had to agree with Tim, in that.
He was humble, and awed by what the Lord was doing. He gave Tasha plenty to think about, as he shared his heart and mind with her in his letters and phone calls.
He went home to Jackson Hole for a few weeks, then he was off again. He went to Salem, Oregon; then to Salinas, California. He sent her postcards from Nebraska, North and South Dakota, Arizona, New Mexico. He sent her a letter from Hawaii and another from Louisiana. He sent her flowers when he was in Dallas.
And whenever he was in the Western hemisphere, he didn’t fail to call her, either. He got bolder as time went by, because Tasha always listened to him.
Tim could feel her opening up to him, slowly. It was taking forever, but they were at the least, close friends now. Every letter he sent, had an effect. Each one would build on their foundation, and help her see the world through his eyes. Each letter meant progress. He was going a bit crazy, but he had to be steadfast. Love would come, he was certain of it.
Meanwhile, Tasha was just about beside herself. She couldn’t help reading what he sent, and the cards and letters just kept coming, and coming. Now, in every letter he would slip in some kind of little endearment. He knew just what to say to lay her heart open, every single time.
It got to the point where she dreaded reading them, because she knew it was going to happen again. But she kept reading, and it kept happening -- again, and again. It got worse, and worse. Or, better and better; depending on how you looked at it.
Finally, he started telling her again how much he loved her. His words were the words of a lover throughout the letters, wooing her and thrilling her. He was systematically tearing down her defenses. She knew it, but she couldn’t help it.
She was getting very used to hearing from him, and he was carving out a place for himself in her heart and in her life, whether she wanted it, or not. Many times daily, she found herself thinking about him.
As promised, he called her before he went overseas again. He was a bit more insistent than he’d been previously.
“Hey, sweetheart. You know I’m going overseas for a long time, now. Do you suppose that maybe you could just give me something to hold onto?” he asked seriously.
“Such as?” she posed suspiciously.
“Oh, I don’t know. Something like, ‘Tim, I love you madly. I don’t know what I’ve been dragging my feet for. When you come home, I’ll marry you and love you; and we’ll live happily ever after and make a lot of babies.”
She was grinning despite herself. “Yeah, sure.” she taunted. “Sounds like me, all right.”
“Yeah, well. I don’t think it’s a pipe dream. I think you’re going to be missing me before I get back.” he prophesied.
“Well, Timothy. One does tend to miss you, after a time.” she admitted warily.
“Really?” he asked with considerable interest. “You’re not falling in love with this old cowboy, are you?” he asked hopefully.
She laughed. “I will have to decline to answer that question. I don’t want to incriminate myself.”
He was quiet for a second. “That sounds pretty good.” he said lightly. “Quite favorable, in fact. Why don’t you just give it up and say what’s in your heart, Tasha? Honey, tell me something to give me hope. Anything at all. I seriously am going insane. I don’t think I can take going overseas for such a long time, without hearing your voice. I probably won’t be able to call, at all. Most of the places I will go, are extremely remote. A lot of times, it’s eight hours to the nearest phone. A sweet word or two ringing in my ears would help to see me through it.”
She was silent, feeling alarmed and cornered.
“Hey.” he prodded.
“Yes.”
“Tasha, come on. Don’t freeze up on me, sweetheart.”
“Tim; what can I say?”
“Say you love me.” he suggested lightly. “Just try it on for size.”
“I’m afraid to say that.” she denied.
“Say you miss me.”
“I’m afraid to say that, too.”
“Say you want me.”
“I’m terrified to say that.”
“Say I’m the only man in the world you want to marry.”
She laughed aloud. “That would be a very big lie. I still don’t want to get married.”
“Well, then the rest of it must be true, because you didn’t deny any of that.” he reasoned.
“Oh, my.” she snorted. “Well, Tim. I can tell you that I’ll miss you while you’re gone. You’re very entertaining on the phone, as always.”
“Liar.” he hissed good-naturedly. “You can’t stand not seeing me. You wish I was there right now, kissing you and holding you and driving you crazy. You just can’t admit it, yet.”
“You flatter yourself.” she accused sweetly.
“I have to. You sure won’t.” he snorted. “Well, I’ll tell you what, sweet thing. I’m going to miss you and I love you madly, and it’s going to be one heck of a long trip. And when I get back, you just may find me on your doorstep.”
“Is that a threat?” she teased.
“It may very well be a promise. You had better get in the mood for a wedding, lady, because I am getting extremely anxious for my bride.”
She smiled. “Tim! Why do you do this to yourself?”
“Because I know there’s hope. You just practice thinking about it; and pretty soon you’ll find you don’t mind the idea at all.” he suggested.
“You’re over the edge.” she accused.
“Yep. I have been, for a long time. But I trust that I won’t be boring. Tasha, I love you.” he said softly.
She couldn’t respond. There was a lump in her throat. For the first time, her lack of response got to Tim. He felt such frustration, suddenly.
“Tasha, for crying out loud.” he sighed.
“Tim, I just can’t give you what you want.”
“Okay.” he sighed. “All right, I’m sorry. I know that I have no right to expect it. I just … love you. And miss you. It’s getting to me. I want to see you.”
“Well, maybe when you get back, we can get together.” she suggested.
He sighed. “Yeah. I’ll hang onto that thought. Well, I guess I’d better get moving. Take care, and I’ll write when I can.”
“Great. Thanks, Tim.”
“Yeah. ‘Bye.” he answered tiredly.
She felt terrible about how he was feeling, but she couldn’t seem to do anything differently. She still did not see how she could possibly give Tim what he wanted.
One day she went to town to do some shopping. She stopped at a Deli for a soda, before leaving town. At the checkout counter, she browsed the magazines while she waited. Suddenly, her heart lurched as her gaze fixed upon one specific magazine.
Her eyes were riveted by a pair of electric blue eyes, a wide smile. Silky, ebony hair spilled over a jet eyebrow boyishly. But there was nothing boyish about this man, beyond his one unruly lock of hair.
She cautiously picked up the magazine, disbelieving. The headline read, “Worldwide Ministry Exploding -- Going To The Nations with Tim Rain.”
She bought it. She read the article a number of times. She stared at it for hours on end. She told herself it was just curiosity, but she couldn’t tear away from it. Still, it didn’t take but a couple of days before she realized and admitted to herself that she missed him. A little bit. Otherwise, she’d not be so prone to staring at the magazine.
It was harder, having an image of him to look at all the time. Tasha was certain that it had to do with the fact that he kept calling, and writing her. It was because he was so focused on her.
He was in her dreams. He was constantly in her thoughts.
She heard him on the radio a couple of times. He was fiery, but totally positive in his approach. He was no hell fire and damnation preacher, he was all about motivati
ng people to know the heart of God; His love, mercy and grace. He exhorted people to reach out and touch God; to experience Him one-on-one. Not just passively, sitting in church once a week. To seek Him and come to know Him, intimately and personally.
She was impressed. He was very, very good. He made her heart yearn for more of the God she’d glimpsed so many times, but had never learned to walk with on such an intimate basis. He made her hungry for the Lord. Oh, she recognized Him in Tim Rain. There was no doubt about this young man!
He called her from Africa. He was in Uganda. Tasha was amazed. “I can’t stay on too long, this is the only phone for many people to share.”
“Wow. So you’re on it, calling me?” she chided.
“I sure am.” he assured her heartily. “I have to stay sane. I can’t manage for too darn long without hearing your voice, you know.”
She laughed. “You’re incorrigible. How are you?”
“Miserable and lonely.” he admitted. “The people here are delightful, but it’s getting harder for me to come so far away. I don’t have what it takes anymore, to be out here alone.”
“Don’t you have a team?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yeah, and they help. But something has changed inside me, Tasha. I really feel the distance from you.”
Tasha was quiet. She could tell that Tim wasn’t just trying to twist her arm. He sounded very sincere in all that he was saying.
“Tim, what you are doing is so important.” she encouraged him. “Don’t lose heart.”
He sighed heavily. “I’m doing the best I can. Tasha, I miss you terribly. I can’t seem to help it. You’ve made me need you, woman. Believe me, if I could control it, right now I would do that. But it doesn’t seem to be much use, to wish.”
She couldn’t help feeling uncomfortable. But, she felt that she had to say something. “I will look forward to seeing you when you get back.” she said.
He sighed. “I love you, Tash. I have to go. People are stacking up to use the phone.”
“All right. Bye, Tim.” she said quickly.
“Bye.” he replied woodenly.
After he’d hung up, Tasha covered her face with her hands. She felt awful. This situation was unbearable! She could tell that it was very hard on Tim -- much harder than it was on her. She knew it was hurting Tim; but she didn’t have the heart to tell him to stop calling. She knew he was discouraged, but she didn’t have the heart to encourage him, either. She didn’t want to get involved with him, and she didn’t want to get involved with God. Life was peaceful without either of them; and she liked it that way.
Except that she did miss Tim. She had become accustomed to his calls and attention. If only he wasn’t such a firebrand for God!
Then, the letters and cards suddenly ceased. There was no explanation, no word from him. It was very strange. Tasha kept checking the mail daily. She found herself thinking of him with longing.
Oh, how it hurt! He'd spent the past year tearing down her careful defenses so effortlessly – and he wasn’t even there! Now, he’d cut off all communication without warning, and Tasha thought she would surely die. How she suffered! She became absolutely miserable and morose. It was an ache that was worse than missing Gary.
It was quite a shock when she realized it had reached such proportions. She found herself snappy, edgy and very dissatisfied with everyone and everything. She became less inclined to socialize with her friends.
Finally, a letter came after a three month break. She and the children had moved to the Idaho lodge, and the letter had been forwarded. She was almost afraid to open it, feeling angry that he’d written, angry that he’d ever stopped writing. Angry that he’d ever begun, and angry that he’d ignored her for so long.
After a long internal debate, she tore open the envelope and unfolded the letter.
“Dear Tasha,” his bold writing said. ”I apologize that I haven’t written for so long. I’ve been in third world countries for most of the time. It’s been really hard for me this past three months to get mail out.”
“I also have been having a hard time, trying to keep my perspective; I can't figure out just what more to say to you. I feel like I’ve been pouring my heart into a void. I don’t know what you’re thinking, Tasha. I don’t know what to do at this point. To keep opening my heart to you with no response, is very painful.
“Please forgive me for not writing. It may sound lame to you, but I had to really search my heart, to see if I could continue.”
“I know now that I had to go through that tough season. I was dying to myself, Tasha. I came to realize that I have to go on loving you, whether you ever turn to me, or not. I can’t do anything else. Please forgive me.”
“I’m coming back to Salt Lake very soon. I’d like to see you, if you’re willing. I’ll be in touch when my dates are firmed up. I’m praying for you daily, darling. And I’m praying for the kids. Believe me, I never stopped praying for you. You’re in my heart, and you’re there for good. It’s been tested .”
“Please be in prayer about what to do. I need you, Tasha. I need my wife beside me. I love you. I can’t get past loving you. I can’t get around knowing that what I feel for you is the real deal.
There's just no escape for me. Honey, have mercy on me. See me at least, when I come to Salt Lake.”
“And please, think about a visit to Jackson. Come and see what it would be like. I’ll do my best to be patient; but, I miss you so much, I can’t stand it. I’ll be in touch.”
“Love, Tim.”
Tasha let the letter fall into her lap, and let the tears pour down her face. She felt so ashamed for what she’d been putting Tim through. She’d been taking, and taking, and taking from him, enjoying his devotion to her -- and giving nothing to him in return. She picked his card up off the desk, and dialed his number eagerly.
“Global Gospel Ministries.” a woman’s voice answered.
Tasha stopped cold. “I’m trying to reach Tim Rain.” She was finally able to say.
“I’m sorry, he’s in Salt Lake City.” the woman answered.
Tasha’s heart plummeted. He’d gone to see her! But she wasn’t there.
“I see. Can you tell me where he’s staying?” she asked tightly.
“No, I’m sorry. I can’t.” the woman answered. “May I tell him who called? He checks in often.”
“No, I think not. Actually, I’m quite certain he may be at my house in Salt Lake. I’ll just call and find out. Thanks, anyway.” Tasha said tensely.
The woman had made her mad. She growled and dialed Lucinda. “Is Timothy Rain there, Lucinda?” she interrogated.
“No! Miss Tasha, why would he be?” Lucinda asked curiously.
“Just a guess, Lucinda. Have you heard from him at all?”
“No. Shall I call you if he comes?”
Tasha sighed. “Oh, Lucy. I don’t know. I don’t know that there’s anything to be gained. Perhaps it would be best to tell him I’m out of the country indefinitely.”
“I cannot lie, Miss Tasha. Not even for you. He is too splendid to lie to, anyway. He would know it even if I tried.”
“I’m sure that’s true. Well. Leave it be, then. But let me know if you hear from him.”
“That I can do.” Lucinda replied happily.
“Thank you. I’ll talk to you later, Lucy.”
Tim was more disappointed than he wanted to let on to find Tasha absent from Salt Lake. But Lucinda was very happy to see him when he showed up. She told him where Tasha was, how she was doing, showed him new pictures of the children.
She offered him a cup of tea, and scurried off to the kitchen to make it. When she was out of his sight, she stole over to the kitchen telephone, and dialed Mr. Brent.
“Charles Industries.” Brent answered. Lucinda never hesitated to call on his private line.
“Mr. Brent, it’s Lucinda. I’m so sorry to bother you; but that lovely Mr. Rain is here to see Miss Tasha. What shall I do?”
Brent paused
. “Well; I don’t know, Lucinda. What do you want to do?” he chuckled.
“I want to feed him dinner, put him in the hot tub, and spoil him rotten. I want to invite him to stay here, and do all I can to keep him here.”
Brent roared with laughter. “My word, Lucinda, for yourself or for Tasha?”
“Mr. Brent! You know he’d never look twice at me. I want him for my Miss Tasha. Besides, you know, they are in love together.” she confided happily.
“Well, you never know, Lucinda. Take your best shot. Tell Mr. Rain he’s welcome to be my guest, and that I’m sorry I missed him. Perhaps I can get Tasha there to play hostess.”
Lucinda squealed her delight. “Thank you, Mr. Brent. Let me know when she's coming.”
She clicked the receiver into place, and put her hands on her cheeks. Oh, she had to do something lovely! She made his tea, and went to the big 'fridge where she knew her Chocolate Torte was hiding. She smiled her satisfaction as she set it out.
By the time Tim had been through lunch and dinner with Lucinda, had gone for a swim and made it to the hot tub, he decided he’d gone straight to heaven. Though he’d eaten more than he was normally inclined to, he didn’t feel too bad. Lucinda was spoiling him rotten.
She appeared with a fresh pot of tea, and a cup of honey. “Here you are, Mr. Tim. This should put the finish on your day.”
“My goodness, Lucinda. What is it this time?” he chuckled.
“Well, it’s Chamomile. It’ll help you sleep.” she huffed.
He smiled. “You always make it awfully hard for me to leave here.”
She gave him a naughty look. “Who said anything about leaving?” she asked innocently.
He laughed, and shook his head. “Is Tasha coming back here anytime soon?” he asked teasingly.
She gave him a haughty look. “You just never know, do you? When Mr. Brent heard you were here, I swear I heard the wheels turning through the phone. He may just get her here.”
Tim looked at her curiously. “Why would he do that?”
Lucinda shrugged. “She’s unhappy, my baby. Everybody knows that. She needs to love again. Mr. Brent would like to see her in the arms of a good man as much as I would.”
