Hawthornes Calm Manuscript

by DeOlmos, M. A.

  “But I just wanted to thank you again Livie for sending down that amazing Italian sandwich the other day and please send my thanks again to uh, Dulce.”

  Liv smiles big and this time I notice she’s no longer nervous. Reaching out, she gently touches his arm but pulls it away just as quickly.

  His brown eyes light up like a goddamn Christmas tree-fuck it-like a goddamn million watt bulb in the darkest night. I know because that’s how I feel when she touches me.

  “No problem, really. You looked ready to pass out that evening and we really couldn’t have eaten all that food we made for lunch. Don’t worry about it. Have a good day, Ramone.”

  Liv rolls her R the way Latin women do and it annoys the hell out of me. That tongue roll belongs to me and only me. DAMMIT!

  Ramone retreats and waves a goodbye as he jogs back across the pavement.

  Livie turns in my arms, escaping the prison of my now completely slack arms and walked to the passenger side of her car where she waits for me to open the door. “Ocean!” She snaps at me and I can’t believe she seems annoyed with me.

  THE HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

  “What?!” I shout back as I make my way towards her. “Never thought I’d actually meet your goddamn pool boy boyfriend you talk so much about.” I open my mouth to say more, but the collar of my polo is now pulled down and tightly balled in her fist. Another movement sends my body spinning so that my back hits the side of the car. Looking up at me, I’m immediately lost in Liv’s angry but soft eyes.

  “He is not my boyfriend! My boyfriend is right here acting like a freaking child just because someone other him and his cousin knows how to say my name! Get over it Ocean. He works here and I did something nice for someone else for change! Drop it! Now!”

  With that, she lets my shirt go and calmly says. “Can you please open my door Ocean?”

  Shock! I am in fuckin’ shock! Like many other moments I have with Liv, I don’t know whether to kiss her or jab her where I know she’ll recover quickly from it—but then I feel myself go pale because I remember this little spitfire is pregnant and she doesn’t even know it yet—I think.

  In silence, I do as she asks and when I’m walking around the back of the Infiniti I can hear the hackles of Law and Dulce upstairs. Again, I wish I’m my childhood hero, Super Man, so I could chuck his ugly ass truck through the goddamn window.

  ҉҉҉҉

  On the way to the cemetery, we stopped to pick up fresh flowers for Liv’s parents and Stormie. For some reason, she always picked up a new teddy bear or something of the like for Stormie. It was a cute gesture and I always thanked her for thinking about her that way.

  “Ocean, can you pull into that gas station?” She points to the Hess ahead of us.

  I do as she asks, trying to avoid another Livie showdown from earlier. I have to admit, after my mind cooled down, that display of feistiness turned me the hell on.

  She shifts to get out of the car, but I grab her hand to stop her. “What is it? You want me to go in for you?”

  She leans back in towards me, kissing my lips gently. “No terminator. I just want to see if they have something. Be right back.” She gets out of the low sitting car, closing her door softly.

  I watch as her hips switch all the way up to the entrance of the convenience store. I grip the wheel in my hands because the way her ass is dancing and moving under the fabric of that dress should be fucking illegal. In all fifty fucking whatever states, all continents of the fucking world included.

  I catch a couple of guys gawking at her and I want to jump out and beat the shit out of them, but I stay put. Liv would only get mad at me and my actions would probably start a war so I start my countdown backwards from one hundred. It wasn’t doing shit for me, but my ass was still in car. I was obsessed enough without letting her out of my sight.

  Aunt Layla told me about the look of horror on Liv’s face when I dropped my champagne glass on the tile floor the day Sabrina showed up. I guess the shattered glass brought back those dark memories of what she did to herself.

  Personal demons were a bitch. Just when you think you’ve lost them, out smarted, or out grown them, they pop back up, all up in your shit with a fucking entourage to bring you back down!

  Since then, I never left her alone for too long. When we argue no matter how pissed I am, I always make sure she leaves the argument with a smile on her face; depending on the argument. If I couldn’t come to do that, I would just fuck her until she went to sleep. Then I’d be able to lay beside her and not worry she was thinking about hurting herself.

  I didn’t really give a fuck if what I was doing was healthy or not. I was going to do it until I felt she was cured of that need to punish herself the way she used to.

  When she slid back in the car, she had a small bag in her hand. I freaked for a minute thinking she might have picked up a home pregnancy test, but what she pulled out of the bag had me grinning from ear to ear. God I loved her.

  “What? You want some?” She takes a side-glance at my grin as she rips open the bag of strawberry Twizzlers and bag of chocolate covered raisins.

  I start the car laughing to myself on the inside. “Nah baby. I’m okay. You ready now?”

  “Yep! I’m good to go.” She turns up the radio station as one of her favorite Daddy Yankee songs flow effortlessly through the speakers.

  Funny how I now listen to the Spanish stations just for her. I was definitely one pussy whipped motherfucker.

  We drove in silence as we always did on our visits to our deceased family. It was as much of a healing process for the both of us, but today was going to be extremely hard for Liv. I truly believed it was time for her to finally read that letter her mom left her. Maybe it would help her get through the spell of denial she was under in her early journey into motherhood.

  There was no way she could miss how swollen her breasts were and how when I touched them, she hissed from the pain. Even if I grazed her nipples she would wince. I’m not saying she’s gaining weight, but the flesh under her belly button was fuller and tender. Hell even her pussy was sweeter and riper than before.

  A man notices shit like that; it’s our job. Any man who can’t tell if a woman is sleeping around on him is a fucking idiot and should just give up on women and date men for the rest of their lives. Because there was no way a real man, like me, who knew Liv’s body and pussy the way I do, could not notice the changes in her body. Then again, most people have sex with the lights off which is total bullshit. I never understood that shit.

  I pull into the cemetery, making my way towards Stormie first. I figured it would give Liv some time to get herself and thoughts together. I was always okay coming here until I was actually standing over my sister’s tombstone, reading the words on the fucking thing made it too fucking real. It made me relive that night I lost her by my own stupidity so vividly that it always brought me to my knees.

  I used to have to go through this alone, but now I had Liv to lift me back up and tell me that everything was and will always be okay now that we’ve found each other. No matter how bad shit got, as long as this crazy ass girl was by my side, I truly believed in us.

  Exiting the car, I walked around to open Liv’s door. She grabbed Stormie’s roses and purple palm size teddy bear, accepting my hand.

  The Brunson Funeral Home was a nice one. One of the nicest in the area actually. It was secured extremely well and the director always kept record of the gifts that were dropped off. They never let anyone else take them or throw them away. It was all stored in a massive cathedral looking building off the property. Once they needed to make more room, they would always contact the families before doing so.

  The breeze teases my skin under the sun’s direct heat as I walk hand in hand with Liv toward Stormie’s resting place. When we finally reach her plot, Liv leaves me briefly to place the new flowers and teddy bear at the foot of her tombstone.

  She kneels there for a minute with a smile on her face. She never tells me w
hat it is she always smiles about when we visit her, but if it made her happy, I was more than okay with it.

  I tried to look away; to not stare at my sister’s name and expiration date of her short life, but it is as always im-fucking-possible. My head starts pounding viciously in sync with my rapid heartbeat. My palms begin to sweat as I relive the feeling of holding her bloody and dying body in my arms.

  Liv snakes her arms around me, hugging me tight pressing her face to my chest. “Hey. It’s okay. Breathe. Remember she’s watching over you. Make her proud baby.”

  I wrap my arms around her little body as she feeds me her strength through her touch as she runs her hands up and down my back from underneath my shirt. After I feel like my breathing is under control, I let go of my lifeline kneeling down. I place a hand on the perfect patches of the greenest grass I've ever seen resting over my sister to steady the spinning earth beneath me.

  Hey Sto, it’s big brother O. I know we’re twins and all, but I was still born seven seconds before you. You also know how this goes already. I miss you. I wish you were here with me still. And I hope you know I would have died for you a million times if that meant you would get to live, but you’re gone and I’m here singing you this sad song anyways. I don’t know if you’re proud or ashamed of me, but I’ve been trying. Shit, I am trying like hell. I know that when shit gets tough, I always ask for you to show me the way. Since you’re an angel in heaven and all. Today, I want to ask you to give me the strength I’ve always envied in you. Pretty soon you’re going to be an aunt and I’m going to be a father. Ha, I know right. Me, Ocean fucks-a lot, as you used to call me is going to be a dad. Sis, feed me your courage and wittiness that you’ve always showed off naturally. I know Liv is strong and she’s going to be a great mother, but I need you to help her too. I miss you more than anything Sto. I’m sorry. I love you. Your big brother, O.

  When I open my eyes, getting ready to stand. On my hand- still touching the soft blades of grass-lands a butterfly. It’s purple, Stormie’s favorite color, and I am stunned. I still my hand looking up to Liv who has the hugest grin on her face.

  She slowly and carefully bends down next to me to get a closer look. She giggles next to me as tears leak from my eyes.

  I remembered the last time I asked Stormie for help, that little girl that looked a hell of a lot like her as kids winked at me and now this. God I loved her so much. Even in her death, she spoke back to me. She was always with me when I needed her most.

  The butterfly pumps its wings hard and fast before a cool breeze sweeps it away.

  Liv grabs my face with both of her hands. “You see Ocean? She’s still with you. I love you. I love you so much.”

  I take a deep breath and stand holding onto Liv for dear life before I break and go off and start kicking down tombstones. “Let’s go baby, we have a letter to read.”

  Chapter Six

  Livie

  I knew Stormie would answer whatever questions Ocean was asking her. He was too good of a person and even though I never met her, I knew in my heart she was just as good.

  Ocean jogged back to the car to get the roses and flowers for my parents and I had the split second of a thought to take off running out of here like my ass was on fire.

  By the time that split second passed, Ocean was back at my side dragging me to hell. I was desperately trying to drag out the typical six-minute walk to my parent’s plots into an hour, but Ocean wouldn’t let me. He didn’t say anything but every time I tried to slow my already slow pace, he nudged me forward. Pain in the ass!

  When my eyes finally find the beautifully sculpted stone angel that stands so peacefully between my mom and dad’s tombstones, I grab onto Ocean’s shirt and fisting the material in my hands.

  His arms come around me, trapping me into him and I never want him to let go. Ever!

  “Baby, you can do this. You’ve been through worse. I’m here with you, not letting go. I’ll never let you go again. Promise.”

  I know he is referring to the day he let me go home alone. The day I wanted to kill myself, nearly succeeding, and leaving him behind and everything in this world that I didn’t realized I loved so much.

  “Ocean, I can’t let go.” I whisper into his chest.

  His lips find my ear. “You don’t have to baby. I don’t want you to let go. I’ll always be here for you to hang onto. Always.”

  He lowers his body to the ground, taking me along with him. I feel him toss the flowers to the ground below as he pulls me up and into his lap. I smile against his hard chest.

  His heartbeat is strong, even, and steady. There is no panic in his heart, just love. For me. Only me. If only he could be this strong for himself, he wouldn’t have to fight with his demons as hard or so often. Instead, he poured all of his strength and love into me. He didn’t even know I wasn’t worth it.

  Of course, he would argue that point to the death of him but I would never be worth the love he gave me…but because I needed him and I couldn’t breathe without him, I let him love me with everything he had to give.

  He cradled me in his lap, adjusting my dress to cover the entire length of my legs as mourners walk by to visit their own resting family members and loved ones. He smoothly reaches behind him, pulling out the white envelope with my mother’s perfect script handwriting of my name on the outside. He places it gently in my lap and waits.

  “I love you Livie.” He speaks soothingly into my ear through my hair, kissing the side of my face.

  I reach over my head, hooking the strands of hair keeping his lips from touching my skin behind my ear.

  His lips instantly find my ear lobe and I feel them pull up into a soft smile. “Come on Zena, you can do this.”

  I elbow him in the stomach. As we start to laugh at my stubbornness, a butterfly glides between us and lands on top of my envelope. Right above my name lands the same purple butterfly that landed on his hand moments ago. Our laughter stops in unison as we both stare at it pumping its wings calmly.

  “Baby. I think Stormie wants you to read the damn letter.” He forces a laugh as a tear falls from his eye.

  I wipe it away, kissing his lips. When I reach down to pick up the envelope, the pretty butterfly finally takes off into the sky. My hands are trembling, but I have to do this. Ocean was here telling me I could, so I had to get through this.

  The trembling in my left hand is getting worse by the second and I swear I feel the feeling in my ring finger and pinky come and go. I hadn’t felt that strange tingle in a while.

  Ocean slips the paper from my fingers, opening it for me and unfolding the plain piece of paper with neatly written paragraphs in the center of it.

  I stared at it, not wanting to concentrate on the individual words or letters that made up the dreadful words in front of me. I did not want to read a single horrifying word my mother wrote as her goodbye to her only daughter. To me! The little girl she once loved her with her whole self and not just her heart.

  “Baby, read the letter.”

  “I am!” I say automatically with an attitude.

  “I’m not stupid Liv. Read it.”

  “You keep interrupting me Ocean!” I continue to stare at all of the white spaces on the paper instead of the words, knowing damn well I shouldn’t be angry with Ocean.

  “Livie, read the damn letter. Out loud!”

  I turn my head abruptly, bumping our foreheads together from how close we are.

  His stare is menacing and his jaw is clenched. His brown eyes are on fire. There is so much emotion in them I don’t immediately understand that he takes my breath away with no intentions on returning it. I have to lean into him for more support because I am drowning in the storm of his eyes. The passion of them.

  I open my mouth to speak; to say anything, but Ocean refuses to hear anything other than the words neatly written in front of us. “If you’re not opening that mouth to read the letter out loud, I don’t want to hear it Liv.”

  I grab the letter out of hi
s hand with my right hand-the fully functional one at the moment-take a deep breath and when I say deep, I mean so deep I easily feel a little dizzy and start reading the damn letter to Ocean.

  “Mi Princessa Livie, if you are reading this letter angel then you already know that I am no longer here. I haven’t been here in a long, long time and I am so sorry Beja for abandoning you. I am sorry for forgetting that I still had you to live for when we lost A.J. But I want to thank you Livie, mi amore. Thank you for never leaving me when all I did was make you feel hated, unloved, unwanted, and undeserving of a good mother you once had. With these words of thanks, comes another apology Mija. I am sorry for what I am about to do. I no longer wish to be the reason you hide your beautiful heart and soul from the world; why you push away love and emotions from others. I no longer want to be the reason why you cut yourself Livie… I know, mothers always know. Please stop Livie, stop before you cut too deep.

  Please forgive me and learn from a fallen mother’s mistakes. I love you Livie Marie. Keep my heart, I will forever keep yours.

  Adios mi Hija.

  I was completely numb. From the hairs on my head to my toenails, I was fucking numb. What do I do or say to those words? To that truth? Do I cry? Do I scream? Do I take off running out of here into oncoming traffic? What?!

  I could feel the cool breath from Ocean’s mouth kiss my cheek as he spoke to me, but I couldn’t hear a word he said. I looked around, at him, our surroundings and I was seeing everything yet nothing at all at the same time.

  Gravity shifted as Ocean lifted me up and into his arms. I felt it shift again when he placed me in the car as he brought the beautiful car to life.

  I leaned over and laid myself across his lap. I felt his hand move up my dress, nestling it in between my legs and massaging my thigh; the way he always did when he felt the urge to calm me in the only way that produced an immediate calm over my body. The only way my Ocean knew how.

  As my heart and soul settled under his touch, I closed my eyes. I was neither sleeping nor awake. I was with Ocean. I was with peace.