Hawthornes Calm Manuscript

by DeOlmos, M. A.

  I hear a hiccup and tears are coating her cheeks.

  “I know it’s a lot for me to ask you to do this, but I have to ask. Dulce…” I say, turning to her and holding her trembling chin up to look at me. “I want you and Law to adopt her. I want the two of you to love her and raise her as your own. It’s the only way I can live with myself because every time I think about her, I’m thinking about you and Law and the family the three of you will become. It’s selfish and it’s probably wrong, but I have to ask.” I hug Dulce, pulling her close and wait for her to answer.

  It’s killing me, but I hold on and wait.

  After she’s controlled her tears and breathing, she looks up at me with an extreme calm again. It makes my heart sputter in-between beats.

  “If you trust me with her life Ocean, I’ll protect her with my own.”

  Other than with Liv, I have never cried with another woman. But tonight, I was tired of holding everything in and I let it go with the woman that was going to raise my stepsister as her daughter.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Ocean

  Today will be the first time I willingly venture out to visit Sabrina. Dad said he would be there and that he’ll give me time alone with her.

  As if I wanted to be alone with her. FUCK NO!

  I asked if that was a good idea on his part. Good old dad just laughed tiredly. Not a good sign from the old man.

  He wouldn’t tell me exactly how she was doing or if she had gotten any better. He only told me that I would see for myself and that could not mean anything good coming from my dad.

  It hurt to know he lost his wife the way he did. It was one thing for me to hate her because I was the abandoned piece-of-shit son; the one who killed her baby girl, my sister and best friend on one night of bad judgment.

  My dad didn’t deserve what she did to him or two this family; but who am I to talk?

  “Don’t look so green Ocean. You’ll be fine.”

  I look up as Liv steps out of the closet, wearing nothing but a sports bra and a pair of black lace boy shorts. She looks amazing. She’s five months pregnant now and her stomach is easily showing all five months of babies’ worth.

  We’re also still teetering on the no sex line. Cruel and unusual punishment in my eyes, but Liv is determined to make it through the remaining months without complications.

  I don’t blame her because I feel the same way but not being inside of her when I need to be so badly, fucking kills me. She keeps me pleased in other ways; which I appreciate and should consider giving her an Olympic golden medal for, but I want in.

  Soon Ocean. Real soon.

  Aunt Layla says we can come in for another ultrasound in another week to see them. I think she’s giving us extra sneak peeks because she can…that…and no one is brave enough to stop her at the hospital. She’s the glue that holds that place together.

  Liv loves it when she gets a phone call from her, telling her to do a quick run by the hospital. That’s their code for: Do you want to see the babies today?

  “I’m not green baby, it’s just…trying not to get my hopes up that this will go smooth.” I feel a little sick and green, but the other half of what I said was the truth too.

  She rolls her eyes while I grab my wallet, phone, and keys from the dresser.

  When she’s close enough, I palm her bare belly with both hands bringing her closer so I can kiss it right above her belly-button that’s starting to poke out.

  God I love her body.

  I smile against her skin at the memory of her freaking out when she found her first stretch mark. You can barely see it and it’s the size of a damn eyelash, but she still compared it to the damn Nile River.

  Crazy ass girl my wife was.

  “Why can’t I come again? I’ll behave if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll zip my lips and sit tight. Not like I can start a fight with these babies in my belly, Ocean.”

  I frown because that’s a straight up lie. The first wrong thing Sabrina says or even with the wrong look or response, Liv would be all over her like salt on pepper.

  Not just any regular salt and pepper mix either. I’m talking about the one that’s ground so fine, you can’t distinguish the salt from the fucking pepper!

  I raise my head to look at her while she runs her fingers through my hair, biting her bottom lip as she does.

  “You don’t believe me do you?”

  I can see the smile in the corners of her eyes, so I tell her the truth. “No I don’t. That’s bullshit and you know it. But daddy still loves you baby.” I kiss her stomach, bringing out the smile she's trying to hold back.

  She has this new thing for calling me daddy and it’s cute. She doesn’t mean it in the sexual Whose your daddy?-way, but in the Hey, you’re going to be a DADDY!-kind of way.

  “Well I had to try anyways; I’m going in to the studio.” She cuts her eyes to look along the wall.

  “Baby. If I find out your running on the treadmills again, I’ll have all of them thrown the fuck out. Aunt Layla said you can WALK them not run.”

  Anger flashes in her milk chocolate eyes as she pulls at my roots. “Fine!”

  She pushes off me walking back into the closet to get dressed.

  "I’LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE!” She yells for absolutely no freakin reason.

  I shake my head with a smile on my face.

  So damn difficult!

  ҉҉҉҉

  Exactly one hour later, I sit outside my dad’s new house. It’s real nice from what I see on the outside; kind of looks a lot like Aunt Layla’s home, but with a country feel to it.

  His blacked out Dodge Charger is in the driveway behind Sabrina’s Nissan. I have to keep telling myself that I have to go through with this. There is no backing out for me.

  Law and Dulce are expecting to be parents within months to a year; per the lawyer my dad paired me with and he’s a damn good one from I’ve been able to deduce from our meetings.

  I didn’t want to have to be the one to do this face to face with Sabrina. I was hoping that the attorney or shit someone…anyone…else would bring her the news or rather the offer, but that would be asking for too much. I had to be the bearer of bad news-for her anyway.

  As I open my driver door to step out to face this demon, I picture Liv’s face when I told her about my plan and her smile in my mind slows my rabid heart; feeding me with courage.

  I step up to the front door and brace myself for the worst.

  Three knocks later, my dad opens the door with a tired smile on his face. I can hear angry footsteps up stairs all the way from the front door and the coos from a baby nearby.

  My dad pulls me in giving me a quick hug as he closes the door.

  “You okay dad? You look like hell.”

  “Look it, feel it, and have been living with it since…” He points up to the ceiling above us. “She got here.”

  I nod as my eyes drift over to the playpen in the open and massive living room. I stare at the Winnie the Pooh trimmings of the playpen for a while, listening to the baby sounds coming from inside of it. I don’t see her from where I’m standing, but I can sense her and it was scaring the shit out of me.

  My dad pushes me into the living room, laughing. “She doesn’t bite son. The female upstairs is the one you have to worry about.” Another push from behind lands me standing a few feet away from Scarlett.

  She is jamming a rubber ducky in her mouth, slobbering all over it. Her cheeks are rosy and her strawberry blond hair has grown. Her head jerks up to look at me and I freeze.

  I feel…fuck I don’t know how or what I feel. All I know is that I don’t hate her in that moment. I want to protect her and take her away from the terror losing her mind upstairs.

  The duck falls from her mouth and she frowns at the disappointment of losing her entertainment. Before I notice, I’ve closed the gap between us.

  Squatting down so she can look at me on her level through the mesh of her little playground, I reach in han
ding her the slobbered up duck. She looks at my face for a while as if she’s trying to decide if I’m worthy of such a noble action. I want to apologize to her for some reason, but I don't.

  A loud giggle and shriek escape her tiny mouth and she grabs the duck, shoving it back into her mouth.

  I leave my hand hanging on the top of the playpen and find myself brushing her hair away from her eyes with my fingertips.

  I am so fucked with this little girl it’s not even funny!

  A loud crashing noise from upstairs is all it takes to bring me back. My back stiffens as I rise and as I do, she starts to cry. My eyes bulge and I turn to my had whose behind me, arms crossed over his chest with a wild grin from ear to ear.

  “Go on son. I’ll keep her company.” He picks Scarlett up, taking her into the kitchen where I hear another squeal of excitement from her.

  This is it, Ocean. No going back now.

  I spin around, sprinting up the stairs to get this visit to hell over with. I follow the sound of heavy footsteps; which lead me to the last room left of a long hallway. The door is slightly open, but I knock anyway. The stomping stops and the door swings open.

  I take it she wasn’t expecting me or forgot I was coming by the way her eyes drop to look at herself and then to the mess of a room she’s standing in. There are clothes littered everywhere, her hair is a nest of tangles, and she reeks of Tabaco and whiskey.

  She must have went out last night because she still has on a skimpy black dress with torn knee-highs at the knees. She’s a goddamn mess.

  Frantically, she tries to smooth out her wild hair and rumpled dress.

  “Ocean you came.”

  Duh!

  “Yeah…can I come in?”

  “Yeah, yeah come in.” She reaches up to take my hand, but I pull back.

  “Please don’t touch me.”

  Her eyes water instantly, but I ignore it. No sympathy here. Tears aren’t going to change anything today, or ever.

  Only her cooperation and admission that she’s not fit for raising another kid will change how I currently see her. Even that won’t be by much.

  However, I can feel what I get from her today will be anything but cooperative. I step in, easy shuffling through some jeans and t-shirts on the floor. No way I’m sitting down anywhere in this room, so I lean up against the wall nearest the door while watching as Sabrina paces over her pile of clothes scattered around.

  I can see she’s not in the mind set to carry a normal conversation or anything close at the moment, but I try anyways because I said I would.

  “So…how are you doing here with dad?”

  The question stops her from burning a hole in the hardwood floor. Turning to me, she smiles lopsidedly. “I knew you would come back to me. I just knew it Ocean.”

  Yep, this is not going to go well.

  “I’m not here to talk about me Sabrina, I came by to see how you and Sc-Stormie were doing.”

  She falls onto her bed, looking down at her trembling hands. “I’m doing fine. Stormie is…just fine.”

  “You sure about that? Have you decided what you’re going to do here back in Dunlap? Have you started looking for work? Can you even work? And what about Stormie? Is anyone taking care of her besides dad? Can you afford a good daycare for her?” I tried to keep my tone level, but I couldn’t tell if I was succeeding.

  Her head snaps up to look at me. “What? Are you some kind of social worker now? I thought you were here to see me. Why are you so concerned about her anyway? I thought you hated her.”

  “If acting like a damn social worker will sober you the hell up where your daughter is concerned, then that’s exactly what I’ll be Sabrina. This isn’t a game anymore and this isn’t about me. You’ve been here long enough and still, you’re not doing anything with yourself. On top of that, you sure as hell are not taking care of your daughter!” I couldn’t help it, the way her accusing eyes were boring into me was pissing me off.

  She’s never said it to my face, but I can see it in her eyes; she hates me more than I could ever hate her. She hates me for killing her angel.

  With a tight fist, she punches at the mattress. “Right. I forgot. You got that ridiculously rude girlfriend of yours pregnant and now you think you can criticize my parenting. Is that it? Well you CAN’T. I did nothing but love you and…and…”

  “Her name is Stormie Claudette Hawthorne, my sister. The one you had to lay to rest because of me and the one you tried to replace with the motherless baby downstairs!”

  With the speed of a damn cheetah she jumped up off her bed, raced towards me, and slapped me to hell. TWICE!

  I shoved my fists into my pockets hard.

  I can’t hit her! I can’t hit her! I can’t FUCKING HIT HER!

  “Oh! Ocean I’m so sorry. Please let me…”

  When I felt her hand touch my cheek, I pushed her back by the shoulders.

  “Don’t. Touch me.”

  I needed to get out of here fast.

  “Look Sabrina, I didn’t come here to school you on shit; let alone on being a parent. So let me just get this out. I’m here to give you two options where it concerns your daughter. Everyone can see, yourself included, that you are not fit to raise her. Shit, I don’t even think you care about the poor kid. I’m here to offer you a way out so you won’t have to run away and abandon her later. You might as well do it now, so she can forget without ever remembering you or the pain of being abandoned. Lawrence and Dulce want to adopt Stormie and I’m going to help them do it. I want her safe and I want her to have a family that will always love and protect her; not just when life’s perfect. If you can get over your own shit, please let me help her. If you want to agree to this, dad has my lawyer’s information. You can call him and he’ll get everything started. Once the adoption paperwork is complete, you’ll receive one hundred thousand out of my own pocket to start fresh. You can go wherever you want and do whatever you want. No one will judge you for it. If you do agree to give her up, you will not be allowed to contact or visit her without going through Law, his wife, or their lawyer.”

  By the time I finished talking, she was hyperventilating pitifully.

  “What-what if I say no?”

  “If you say no, we go through the court system and that will only make you and Stormie suffer. The ball’s in your court. Either way, I’m getting Stormie and she’s going to be raised by good people…family.”

  I spun and exited her room, needing to get out of here; taking the stairs two at a time.

  “Dad! Dad!”

  I followed the low voices of men into the kitchen where I see Law leaned up against the fridge with Scarlett in his arms; she’s taking her bottle and playing with the scruff of his jaw.

  “Ocean!”

  The shrieking voice belonging to Sabrina coming towards me from behind puts me on edge.

  Fuck I wish Liv was here!

  I’m pulled into the kitchen by my dad as Sabrina storms in.

  “You are not taking her from me! Not this time Ocean! SHE IS MINE AND YOU CAN’T TAKE HER LIKE YOU DID BEFORE! NO!”

  Gravity slips from underneath me from finally hearing the words. With my eyes closed, I feel my father move to stand next to me; ready to restrain me if he needed too and that made me feel worse.

  “I’m sorry.” The whisper left my lips before I could stop myself.

  I opened my eyes to look at my cousin holding my stepsister and I knew that I was doing the right thing. He was holding her protectively and he wasn’t going to let go and neither was I.

  There was no way he was going to let me back down from this even if I wanted to.

  My mother was staring at me with hate in her blood red eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Sabrina. I wish it were me that died that night instead of her, but it wasn’t and I’m sorry for disappointing you. I’m not going to back down if that’s what you’re hoping for. You don’t deserve her. You still had me to live for and you decided I wasn’t worth it so fuck you. I’
m going to fight for Stormie until she’s ours.” I turned to my dad, recognizing pride in his eyes.

  “Make the call dad. I have to get out here.”

  He nodded towards the back door leading out of the kitchen and I took the exit without looking back. Within minutes, social services was going to be knocking on the door and I needed to get out of here. Crying like the broken little boy my heart was deathly holding onto inside, I broke down in the front seat until my head was pounding and eyes were straining to see straight.

  ҉҉҉҉

  When I stepped through the studio’s back door two hours later, I went straight to the locker room. Liv called twice and twice I replied back with a text that I was on my way.

  Yeah…shit move on my part, but I didn’t want her to hear me break down all over again. This new emotion didn’t feel right to me. I wanted to get angry, hit something, break anything, but it just wouldn’t come. I was hoping maybe after some time beating the shit out of punching bags, it’ll finally let loose.

  I changed into my gym gear, quickly making my way to the closed off weight room which was my second home. Santi and Jahyel were the only two to catch me creeping around and they both averted their eyes to give me my space.

  I was in the room alone for at least an hour, punching the bags to hell before I felt Liv standing behind me. I could hear her labored breathing and a sigh escape her lips. My shoulders were aching and my chest was tight, but I kept punching.

  “Ocean?"

  I kept jabbing the bag, slowing my speed but still continued.

  “Ocean!” The steel in her voice jolted me with the memory of when she jumped in front of my punching bag the last time we were alone in this room.

  I stopped swinging, grabbing the swaying bag and bringing it to a stop. She would no doubt try it again just to get my attention.

  Reluctantly, I turned bracing myself for her scowl. But what I turned to was a warm smile straight from the bottom of her beautiful heart.