Breaking to Breathe

by Lisa N. Paul

  “Kyle, you planning on setting the whole damn place on fire?” Danny’s gruff voice snapped Kyle out of his sleep deprived, alcohol induced trance.

  “Um, no, Danny. I was just about to have a smoke before the bar filled up for the night.” He looked at the lit cigarette in his trembling hand and knew he wasn’t numb enough to make it through his shift without crumbling from the memories that wouldn’t stay in the past.

  “Boy, you are burning your candle at both ends. Eventually, you’re gonna run out of wick and have no more wax to sustain you.” Kyle didn’t think he was that fucked up, but he had no idea what his business partner and friend had just said.

  “Danny, what hell are you talking about?”

  Danny gave his no nonsense glare. “A little respect would be appreciated.” He growled and gestured behind him with his thumb. “There is not one person associated with that bar who doesn’t love you. We are a family, whether you like it or not.” He tapped Kyle’s shoulder, presumably trying to make his point. “You have a brother that loves you, once again, whether you like it or not. We almost lost you once, and it nearly destroyed us, boy.” Danny’s hand now cupped Kyle’s shoulder firmly. It was a perfect balance to the tenderness that was displayed in his eyes. “Watching you circle around the drain is killing me, son. Let us help you. “

  Guilt and shame filled his gut. He hated putting his friends through hell, but he hated sympathy even more. Feeling exposed and raw, Kyle did what he’d always done successfully and reached deep down for obnoxious. “No one’s asking you to watch anything, Danny. In fact, don’t watch. Keep your eyes focused on everyone else, and let me live my life my way. I’m a grown ass man, for fuck’s sake.”

  “Then act like it, son,” Danny said, his voice low and gravelly. “You may own part of this establishment, but my name still stands proudly on that sign. We’ve been cutting you yards of slack, but it needs to stop. We can’t have you behind the bar drunk and high off your ass. So start making better choices, Kyle, or we’ll be forced to make them for you.”

  Kyle dropped his cigarette on the ground, stomped on it, and brushed past Danny back into the bar. His stomach rolled with guilt and churned with dejection as he stepped behind the bar and poured himself another drink. Like a gunshot at the beginning of a race, as soon as the liquid hit his stomach, the night began.

  Danny’s on main was filled with wall to wall people, all of whom were thirsty, looking for fun, and excited to be back in the neighborhood bar that felt like home. With alcohol and methamphetamines flowing through his system, Kyle felt waves of energy pulse through his sleep deprived body. He flirted with the bar bunnies, giving each a sexy emerald eyed wink, and flashed his movie star smile, exposing the deep dimple in his left cheek. There weren’t many women who could resist the lure of Kyle Marx and even less that wanted to. He’d achieved almost celebrity status during his years working at Danny’s. He was the man every woman wanted…even if it was only once. The proverbial bad boy that the good girls wanted to fix, but the smart women stayed clear of. Stunningly beautiful to a fault on the outside, but to anyone who spent more than a few hours with him between the sheets, they knew that underneath all of the beauty was an uninviting dark cave of blackness.

  He demanded no less than total control of every sexual situation, requiring complete submission from his lovers before play would commence. With him, those stipulations were deal-breakers. If a female so much as questioned him with an arched brow or a prolonged glance, he moved on to the next willing body. No questions asked. No second chances given.

  He was hollow inside, just a shadow of a man moving through time, using sex as a bandage to temporarily cover the hole where his heart once beat. He didn’t share his demons. He ran from them. He ran to the warm open arms and legs of whoever was around to catch him. He didn’t want those women in his life for more than a quick orgasm or two; he certainly didn’t give a shit about their thoughts or dreams. He scoped the bar, seeing plenty of attention focused directly on him. Smirking, he was hopeful that the night would end with a warm mouth and ample tits. If not, he shrugged his shoulders with blatant indifference; the liquid comfort would be just fine.

  “Hey there, handsome,” the curvy brunette licked her overly glossed lips and purred, “I’d like a Sloe Comfortable Screw, please.” Yeah, he grinned, tonight he’d be better than fine.

  Hot Men With Tight Ends

  “I DON’T KNOW how I let you talk me into this, Ells.” Cate ran her fingers through her long auburn hair, twirling the thick main tightly in her left fist before releasing it once again. She pulled her coat tighter to her body, trying to ward off the chill as she and her friend walked through the large parking lot on Main Street in Charistown. Elliot had insisted they go for cocktails after work and refused to take Cate’s “no” for an answer.

  “You work. All. The. Time. Other than me, you make no effort to see your other friends. Wait,” Elliot looked thoughtful in the fake kind of way only she could muster. “Do you have other friends besides me and Derrick from the gym? Whom you only ever see at the gym, so he doesn’t count?” Feigning thoughtfulness, Elliot tapped her index finger against her lips. “Whatever, I’m the only cool one you’ve ever had anyway.” Cate smiled in the darkness at her best friend’s humor; she wasn’t wrong. Elliot wasn’t just in the know about all the latest fashion and trends she was the most real person Cate had ever known. And the only one who ever saw her for who she was. Not as a meal ticket, a pity party, or a victim.

  “Besides, I know you don’t have any interest in dating, but sweetie, you need to get laid. It’s been too damn long.” Elliot’s voice softened. “Seriously, Catey, I’ll lay off with the boyfriend stuff, but I’m worried you’re gonna turn right back into a virgin. Or worse, a crazy cat-lady virgin.” Elliot let out an exaggerated shiver. “As your best friend, I cannot, I will not let that happen.”

  Giggling, she shook her head at her friend’s dramatic plea. Again, she wasn’t inaccurate. While Cate hated to admit it, it had been a while since her last sexual encounter. And casual sex was actually something Cate enjoyed a lot. Hell, casual was the only kind of sex she allowed herself to engage in. One night stands, no sleepovers, no promises, not even names if she could help it. Just I have an itch wanna scratch it kinda sex, plain and simple.

  “Okay, but why here? We’ve never been to this place before. There are perfectly good taverns closer to home. We didn’t need to travel a half hour to come to a bar.” Even in the dark, she could see the mischievous grin curl up on the sides of Elliot’s mouth.

  “Elliot Price, what the hell are you up to?” Cate had known her friend a long, long time, and that shit-eating grin never alluded to good things. Since Elliot’s brush with death, that sweet little smirk of hers usually meant Cate was not going to enjoy what was coming next.

  Halting her stride mid-step, Elliot stuffed her hands in her coat pockets and let out a slow breath. White puffs of air left her mouth as the cold night air met with the warmth from her body. “So, apparently, this place was destroyed during Hurricane Leo and reopened only about a month ago.” When Elliot spoke as quickly and animatedly as she was doing just then, the hairs on Cate’s neck prickled in warning. Her friend was hiding something, but she couldn’t quite figure out what. Just the mention of that damn hurricane had Cate’s mind traveling back to that horrific night when she met the man who’d come to inspire incredible fantasies.

  “Anyway, I read an article saying that the couple that owned it treated their employees like family. When the bar was destroyed, the owners offered equal partnerships to each of the full-time employees.” The silence between the women told Cate that she should be responding to Elliot’s information, but apparently she didn’t speak quickly enough because Elliot continued.

  “Don’t you think that’s just the sweetest thing you’ve ever heard? I mean, how incredible must those people be? All of them, the owners and the staff…or I guess they are all owners now, huh?” Elliot contin
ued to ramble on in the adorable, innocent…but not so innocent way only she could. Cate knew there would be a point to this story eventually, but until then, she was making lists in her head of all the things that needed to be done when she returned home later that night. She’d learned how to tune out her friend without her knowing, which allowed Elliot to speak her fill without being cut off. They were a perfect pair.

  “You aren’t listening to me…again.” Elliot giggled, not showing the least little bit of irritation or judgment. “Honey, if you are going to pretend to listen, you need to hide your ‘tell’.”

  “Tell… what tell?” Cate couldn’t contain her laugh. This is why she loved her friend so much. Elliot was loyal, fiercely protective, funny as all hell, and not easily offended.

  “You have an ‘I’ve tuned you out’ tell, Catey. Don’t look at me like that. You do. You stare straight ahead and chomp on the side of your bottom lip. You do it when you’re frustrated, too, every single time.” Elliot smiled. “But I think it’s time you start paying attention to what’s going on around you. You never know when things are gonna get interesting.” She tried to ignore her best friend’s scantily covered message. She didn’t want to know what Elliot meant by that. She knew it was probably some mumbo jumbo bullshit, and she couldn’t care less. She had no time for tarot cards and crystal balls.

  “Shit,” Cate muttered, “what’s that supposed to mean? Is that your clever way of slipping me your Psychic Friends connection?”

  With a huge, glimmering smile, Elliot laced her fingers through Cate’s. “No, honey, it’s my way of saying there’s a patch of black ice two feet in front of you. Don’t slip.”

  Laughing together, they held hands and made their way through the crowded parking lot towards the newly built bar.

  “Do you think we should cut him off? He appears pretty fucked up, and we’re too busy here to babysit him.” Kyle played deaf to the question Ryan asked Ashley as they poured drafts for the thirsty customers.

  “I have my eye on him,” Ashley responded, her tone still loud in order to be heard over the music and the crowd. He had been taking shots bought for him by bar bunnies all night as he worked, and now, at ten o’clock, he was more than numb; he was sloshed. His body no longer hurt, his mind no longer spun, and his soul no longer cried. In fact, he was feeling pretty fucking good. What he needed was a hot piece of pussy to sink balls deep into before he passed out tonight.

  “Guys, don’t worry about Kyle. Janie and I are right here. If he gets too out of control, we’ll take care of him.” Kyle snorted at Lyla’s response. She was all of five-one, and Janie was an inch taller, if that. They and what army would take care of him if he spiraled out of control?

  “Something funny, Marx?” Ahh, that army. He hadn’t seen Max enter the bar, but his presence was unavoidable now. Max glowered at Kyle, his look unreadable but the tension in his shoulders was not. While Max and Kyle had been good friends for more than ten years, the past couple of months, since Kyle’s accident and subsequent slide down the black hole of hell, their friendship had been strained. Kyle knew he was the reason for the strain. Max wanted to help him move past his issues, and Kyle wanted Max and the rest of his friends to leave him alone.

  “Max,” Janie swooned, “what are you doing here, baby? I thought you and Gage were working late tonight and then going to Choppers for drinks and pool.”

  “I wanted to see you, so we came here instead.” Cupping Janie’s face in his large hands, Max leaned down and kissed her. The embrace turned from a peck to a full on sensual assault, neither of them caring or even remembering that anyone else was around. Kyle felt his cock thicken in his jeans. Yep, he needed to get laid tonight.

  “Sooo, Gage is here?” Lyla asked, clearly trying and failing for subtle as her eyes roamed the bar.

  “Yeah, he’s in the back, racking the pool table. Claims he’s gonna kick my ass. We’ll see about that.” Max snorted, helping Janie off the bar stool. “Do you wanna join us, Ly? You know, wrap your hand on his stick?” Max winked as Janie grimaced in what appeared to be embarrassment.

  “Janie, you keep spilling my secrets to Max during your pillow talk, and I’m gonna start spilling yours.” Lyla’s eyes sparkled mischievously as her threat came out in a sing song voice. “Of the two of us, who has the bigger mouth?”

  Kyle laughed loudly at the playful bickering between the ladies. Even through his drunken state, Kyle enjoyed watching Lyla play big and tough. No one did it better. However, she did it in the most loving and protective way he’d ever seen. Lyla was like a prism. She had so many facets, cuts, and planes that there wasn’t a perfect way of seeing her head on. Yet her tongue was never sharp, her words never cruel. Much unlike anything he was used to. He was raised where words were weapons, and when they failed to make you bleed, the beatings took up the slack. For a moment, his clouded head mourned his childhood once again and wished he had been taught to be a different man. Clearly Lyla’s family taught her well.

  “Ly’s, okay if I crash at your place tonight?” Kyle slurred his request. “I could use a decent night sleep…it’s been what, two weeks?” She didn’t have to verbalize her response for him to know he was welcome; her quiet nod said it all.

  “Kyle, you’re wasted, man. And I can see your leg is acting up…” Ryan’s glare was filled with annoyance and frustration and maybe something more. Was it pity? “Just go clock out and be done brother. Ash and I will handle the rest of the night.”

  Kyle downed a double shot of vodka before staring blindly at his friends. “What-the-fuck-ever, dude. I’m over this pity party shit.” While he couldn’t feel the pain in his leg, he was aware that he was no longer walking straight as he left the main bar and limped to the back office to clock out. He clumsily snagged his leather coat from its hook on the wall, causing his keys to fall from its pocket. As he bent down to pick them up, he lost balance, grabbing hold of Danny’s desk before hitting the ground.

  Ignoring the bullshit ragging and nagging from the guys was one thing, but seeing the look of concern in Julie’s eyes as he lifted himself up and re-piled the receipts and paperwork on the desk made him extremely aware of the amount of booze currently residing in his stomach.

  “Kyle,” Julie’s soft, tender voice felt like punches to the gut. He didn’t deserve her worry. Hell, he wasn’t sure he deserved anything from anyone. Worthless, useless, waste of life. Quickly, he averted his eyes from hers and stumbled to the door.

  “Not tonight, Julie.” He grunted, trying to hold down the vodka that quickly rose up the back of his throat. “I just … not tonight.” I don’t want anyone’s pity tonight. He repeated to himself as he limped out of the office to the restroom to free the liquor from its prison. Even it couldn’t wait to break loose from the trap that was his life.

  The place was wonderful. It had a neighborhood feel that was welcoming from the moment they stepped through the door. Cate exhaled. Her nerves evaporated as the tension quickly left her body, leaving her muscles languid and her mood mellow. She felt…safe here, almost protected. Like the space alone would keep her from the panic that often times seized her when she was in cramped areas. That fear lived inside of her every day. She didn’t mind being alone with a stranger, comfort in knowing she could protect herself kept the trepidation at bay, but in highly populated spaces, she couldn’t control the way her body reacted any more now then she could right after the incident. But here, here she didn’t have that fear.

  Roping her arm around her friend’s shoulder, she pulled her close. “Okay, you were right. I really like it here. And at the risk of sounding like…well, like… you, it has a good vibe…very homey.”

  Elliot’s cheerfulness and the excited way she clapped her hands together made Cate smile. “Yay, I’m so glad you like it. I have a feeling tonight is gonna be fun.” Rolling her eyes, Cate kept all sarcastic comments to herself.

  Once they made their way to the large mahogany bar, the bartender turned her attention directl
y to them. Cate ordered their favorite drinks and watched quizzically as the beautiful bartender’s smile widened when she repeated the order back a bit louder than Cate deemed necessary.

  “Two Lemontinis and two vodka shots, huh? Sure, no problem, chickies.” The raven-haired woman sitting at the end of the bar quickly lifted her gaze from her cell phone to Cate and Elliot and then over to the bartender.

  “Ash, did they just order my drink?” The bartender’s face lit up as she nodded in confirmation. “Then their drinks are on me.” The blonde behind the bar winked at Cate and Elliot then shrugged.

  “You heard her, ladies. Your first round is on my girl, Lyla.” Confusion bloomed in Cate. It wasn’t that she had never had a drink purchased for her before, but it had always been men doing the buying, never a woman. The whole thing was…weird.

  “Just go with it, Cate.” Elliot whispered in her ear. Cate shrugged and smiled over the bar to her new admirer, and mouthed a simple ‘thank you.’