Amelia Bedelia Shapes Up

by Herman Parish

  “Just Coach,” said Amelia Bedelia. “You said that’s what you prefer.”

  “Not just,” said Mrs. Thompson. “Only Coach.”

  “Okay, Only Coach,” said Amelia Bedelia.

  “Coach,” said Mrs. Thompson. “No ‘only’ or ‘just’ before it. I’m Coach, period.”

  Amelia Bedelia thought about asking Coach Period why she kept changing her name, but she decided to nod instead.

  Coach Period asked for her name and wrote it down on her clipboard. “Amelia Bedelia,” she said.

  “That’s right,” said Amelia Bedelia.

  “That’s alphabetical,” said Coach Period, continuing down the line.

  “Now,” she said, when she had recorded everyone’s name. “Running is fundamental to fitness. I want to see how fast you kids are. You’re all going to run to that water fountain and back while I time you.”

  A shiver ran through Amelia Bedelia. Not the water fountain again! This was a bad omen.

  “Okay,” said Coach Period. “The race will begin when I say, ‘On your mark, get set, go!’”

  Amelia Bedelia took off.

  “Amelia Bedelia! Stop!” yelled the coach. TWEEEEEET! “Come back!”

  Amelia Bedelia turned around and trotted back. She could hear snickering. She crouched down again, breathing hard.

  “Haven’t you ever raced before?” said Coach Period. “Wait until I say the word ‘Go.’”

  Amelia Bedelia took off again, sprinting even faster.

  TWEEEEEET!

  “Get back here, Amelia Bedelia!” hollered Coach.

  Amelia Bedelia stopped and walked back to her place in line, even more out of breath. Now everyone was giggling.

  Coach Period looked right at Amelia Bedelia and said, “Do not move a muscle until I say you-know-what word.

  “On your mark . . . get set—”

  “Coach,” interrupted Cliff. “This is an emergency. I really need to go to the bathroom.”

  Coach Period turned to Cliff and hollered, “Okay, already. Go!”

  Amelia Bedelia took off as fast as she could. The coach stood there dumbstruck. Then she started her stopwatch and said, “Well, what’s everyone waiting for? Didn’t you hear me say GO?”

  The rest of the class took off together like a thundering herd. Holly came in first, as she always did. She was fast. Even with her head start, Amelia Bedelia stumbled across the finish line in last place, as she always did.

  Coach studied her stopwatch. “Let me tell you where you stand,” she said, shaking her head.

  Amelia Bedelia looked around. No one was standing. Everyone was walking around puffing and panting or lying on the ground gasping and wheezing.

  “You all need a lot of conditioning,” said Coach, shaking her head.

  Amelia Bedelia thought everyone’s hair looked great. No one needed more conditioning, especially not Angel. Amelia Bedelia wished she had hair like Angel’s.

  Amelia Bedelia whispered to Clay, “Do you need hair conditioning?”

  “No, thanks,” said Clay. “But I could use some air-conditioning.”

  TWEEEET!

  “Follow me, young Greeks!” yelled Coach.

  Then she led them in a jog around the field—five times around the field!

  “It’s like a pentajog,” said Amelia Bedelia to Rose.

  “It’s a nightmare,” said Rose.

  Coach ran ahead, but backward, giving them advice and encouragement until it was time to return to the classroom.

  Mr. Tobin was drawing a picture of two winding snakes on the board when the class staggered back into the room.

  “Whoa, you all look exhausted,” he said. “I asked Coach not to make you guys run a marathon on your very first day of training.”

  “She ran us into the ground,” said Joy.

  “My blisters have blisters,” said Heather, taking off her shoes to rub her feet.

  “Phew!” said Clay. “Did a skunk pass by?”

  Heather glared at him and put her shoes back on.

  “Did you hear what Coach told us?” asked Skip. “She said, ‘Sometimes you have to go the extra mile.’ I’ve never run even one mile before today, and she expects me to run an extra one!”

  “Tell that to that dead messenger,” said Cliff. “If he had stopped at twenty-five miles instead of going for twenty-six, he might still be alive today.”

  Cliff and Skip laughed.

  “That’s so dumb,” said Penny. “He lived and died thousands of years ago. You make it sound like you could see him jogging in the park right this minute.”

  “Yeah, don’t listen to Cliff,” said Wade. “He totally missed the first race. When the going got tough, Cliff was going to the bathroom!”

  “Oh, yeah?” said Cliff. He tackled Wade, and they rolled on the ground.

  “Break it up, guys,” said Mr. Tobin. “Save that for the wrestling ring at the Greek Games, shall we? Before we learn what it was like to live in ancient Greece, I’ll make a deal with you. I’m willing to forget about assigning homework for a few days if you’ll use the extra time to do sports homework—go jogging, play games, and get more exercise.”

  “You’re giving us a vacation from homework?” said Clay.

  “Let’s call it a homework hiatus,” said Mr. Tobin.

  “My uncle had an operation to repair his hiatus,” said Pat. “He’s fine now.”

  Amelia Bedelia knew that Pat couldn’t be right because of the way Penny was rolling her eyes. Penny was going to be a doctor, so she knew more than anyone in class about the human body. Also, it was clear that Mr. Tobin was trying really hard not to laugh.

  “Thank you for sharing some family history, Pat,” said Mr. Tobin, smiling. “Let’s talk about medicine and the ancient Greeks. The Greeks were some of the first doctors the world had known. Hippocrates is considered the father of medicine, founding the first medical school around 400 BC. And we get our symbol for medicine from a Greek god.”

  Amelia Bedelia saw Penny perk up and start taking notes. Like Penny, she was really interested in what Mr. Tobin was saying. But her eyes kept straying to the list that was still on the board, the five events of the pentathlon. She had never thrown a discus, and her parents probably weren’t going to let her toss a javelin around their backyard. But she could certainly practice the hundred-meter dash. In fact, she knew exactly where she could find at least a hundred meters in a row.

  After school, Amelia Bedelia dropped her backpack at home, ate a quick snack with Finally, and explained her sports homework to her mom. Then she jogged downtown.

  Main Street was several blocks long, with parking meters on both sides. She counted thirty-one on one side of the street and twenty-nine on the other side. The numbers weren’t equal because there were two driveways on the twenty-nine side, where people couldn’t park. She found the other forty meters she needed on two side streets.

  Now came the tricky part. She had to time herself so she would arrive at the crosswalk just as the light changed. That way the cars would be stopped and the WALK sign lit up, and she would be able to cross safely. Phew! Running was complicated. Did the ancient Greeks have to deal with this?

  On her first try, she got past the thirty-one meters but had to wait at the light. On her next attempt, the crosswalk sign was flashing DON’T WALK. She ran in place until she realized that she was not walking—she was running. So she sprinted across the street before the light changed.

  Amelia Bedelia was counting off the next set of meters—thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five—when she heard a sound that brought her to a screeching halt.

  TWEEEEET!

  Oh, no! Coach Period must have tracked her down! Turning around took every bit of courage Amelia Bedelia could muster. Uh-oh! It wasn’t Coach Period. It was way worse. It was Officer O’Brien!

  Amelia Bedelia really hoped the policeman didn’t remember her. She’d had a run-in with him in the park after picking a flower bed clean and then selling th
e bouquet for twenty dollars. But that was another story.

  “What’s going on?” said Officer O’Brien. “Did someone tell you to go play in traffic?”

  “No, sir,” said Amelia Bedelia. “I’m running a hundred meters for homework.”

  Officer O’Brien looked down the row of meters, smiled, and said, “There’s a big difference between a hundred meters and a hundred parking meters.” He paced off the distance between two parking meters. “That’s about twenty feet.” He wrote TWENTY FEET on the sidewalk with the chalk he used to mark the tires of parked cars.

  “If you multiply twenty feet by one hundred parking meters, you get 2,000 feet. But one hundred meters (the distance) is only about 330 feet. So when you run past a hundred parking meters, how much extra have you run?”

  Officer O’Brien handed his chalk to Amelia Bedelia. She wondered if he was friends with Mrs. Robbins. They could do math together. She wrote 330 under the 2,000 and subtracted it.

  “Hey,” said Amelia Bedelia. “I ran 1,670 feet too far.”

  The policeman nodded. “If I were you,” he said, “I’d set up a course 330 feet long in your neighborhood. And Amelia Bedelia,” he added, “when ‘Don’t Walk’ is flashing, that doesn’t mean dash across the street before the light changes. ‘Don’t Walk’ means stop.”

  “Thanks, Officer O’Brien,” she said.

  Then Officer O’Brien picked a flower from a nearby planter. “Take this to your mother,” he said, smiling.

  Amelia Bedelia was relieved that her only problem with Officer O’Brien had been a math problem.

  Amelia Bedelia set up a running course as soon as she got home. Finally raced along beside her, and she wished she could run as fast as her dog. That’s the only chance she’d have of beating anyone, especially Holly, who was faster than every girl and boy in the class.

  Amelia Bedelia practiced her hundred-meter dash every day that week. But how, she wondered, would she ever learn to wrestle? At a time like this, an older brother or sister would come in handy. Even a younger brother or sister would help.

  She’d asked her parents for a baby brother or sister. She’d gotten her own dog instead. So she decided that Finally was going to be her wrestling partner. After all, Amelia Bedelia’s favorite parts of nature shows were the wrestling matches between the young animals. She loved to watch lion cubs shoving each other around or a pair of bear cubs squabbling over honey. They were so cute!

  Finally was taking a nap. Amelia Bedelia got down on her knees and snuck up behind her. She grabbed Finally’s favorite chew toy, a blue plastic duck. Finally opened one eye.

  “Come get it!” Amelia Bedelia teased.

  Finally latched on to the duck and away they went, tugging back and forth, up and down, from side to side, then rolling around on the ground together. Finally loved helping Amelia Bedelia with her homework.

  Finally did teach Amelia Bedelia one move. They were both tugging at the toy, straining with all their might, when Finally suddenly let go. Amelia Bedelia went tumbling backward. She dropped the duck in surprise. Finally scooped it up, her tail wagging in triumph.

  “Smart girl!” said Amelia Bedelia. “Want to go for a walk?”

  It was a gorgeous day, so the park was packed with people and dogs enjoying the weather. “Hi, Amelia Bedelia!” said Diana. She was walking a bunch of dogs with her boyfriend, Eric. “We just saw Charlie walking Pierre.”

  Amelia Bedelia had once helped Diana with her dog-walking service, and Eric had helped Amelia Bedelia and her friend Charlie solve a poodle problem. Maybe Eric could help her again.

  “Hey, Eric,” said Amelia Bedelia. “Do you know how to throw a javelin?”

  Eric laughed, but Diana laughed louder. “Well,” said Eric, “I was in the military a while ago, but not that long ago. Why do you want to throw a javelin?”

  Amelia Bedelia told them all about the upcoming pentathlon and how Finally was helping her learn to wrestle.

  “I once took a self-defense course,” said Diana. “I’ll show you what I know.”

  Eric held the leashes while Diana and Amelia Bedelia headed to a grassy spot.

  “If you have to wrestle someone bigger or stronger,” said Diana, “you can use their size and strength against them.” She showed Amelia Bedelia how to push against opponents and then pull them off balance. It was the same move that Finally had taught her.

  “Remember,” said Diana as she and Eric headed off to deliver the dogs to their owners. “Always stand tall!”

  “Thanks for helping me!” yelled Amelia Bedelia.

  Just then Amelia Bedelia spotted Charlie. Actually, Pierre saw Finally first and came running to greet them with a tennis ball in his mouth. Pierre dropped the ball at Amelia Bedelia’s feet.

  “Hi, Charlie,” said Amelia Bedelia.

  “Hey, Amelia Bedelia!” said Charlie. “Looks like Pierre wants you to throw the ball for him.”

  Amelia Bedelia picked up the ball and threw it with all her might. It soared through the air for about ten feet before it landed on the ground, bounced once, and rolled a couple of feet more.

  Pierre looked at the ball, then back at Amelia Bedelia. He had a funny look on his furry face that said, That’s the best you can do? Even Finally looked embarrassed.

  “Hah,” Charlie blurted out. “You throw like a girl!”

  Amelia Bedelia’s face turned bright red. She felt angry and ashamed and confused and uncomfortable all at once.

  “That’s right, Charlie,” said Amelia Bedelia. “I throw like a girl, because I am a girl. And so is Finally. Which is just fine. But since you have a problem with that, we’re leaving!”

  Charlie caught up with her and grabbed her arm. She was tempted to use one of her new wrestling moves on him, but he was already apologizing.

  “Amelia Bedelia,” he said, “I’m sorry. I’m just surprised you don’t know the secret of throwing.”

  “What secret?” asked Amelia Bedelia, blinking away her tears.

  Charlie showed her how gripping the ball with two fingers gives it a spin that keeps it on track to where it’s aimed. “Use your whole body,” he said, “not just your arm. Plus, take a few steps so you get the energy from your legs too.”

  Charlie helped her with each move until she had it down. “Now here’s the secret,” he said, almost in a whisper. “Cross your right leg over your left on the last step. When you untwist, all the power of your body goes into the throw, like this.”

  Charlie gripped the ball, jogged a few steps, twisted his right leg over his left, and rocketed the ball into the air.

  Pierre and Finally looked at each other, then went racing off to retrieve it.

  “Wow!” said Amelia Bedelia. “That’s great!”

  When the dogs came back with the ball, Amelia Bedelia wiped the puppy spit off it and tried Charlie’s secret method. It worked! She’d never thrown that far before. “Wow!” she hollered, jumping into the air.

  “We’re friends again, right?” asked Charlie, holding out his hand.

  “I’ll always be your friend,” said Amelia Bedelia. “Even though you shake hands like a boy.”

  They laughed, parting ways, their dogs leading them home. Amelia Bedelia’s mother was waiting on the front steps, holding what used to be her best cake pans.

  Amelia Bedelia’s mother was holding a pan in each hand, waving them around like those workers at the airport who direct planes to their parking spots.

  “Young lady,” said her mother. “What did you do to my cake pans?”

  “It was for homework,” said Amelia Bedelia. “Rose and Daisy and I needed something shaped like a discus so we could practice our throwing.”

  “You threw my baking pans around the yard?” asked Amelia Bedelia’s mother.

  “Mom, they’re made of metal,” said Amelia Bedelia. “They didn’t break.”

  “They’re dented,” said her mother. “Here comes your father. Let’s see what he has to say.”

  Amelia Be
delia’s father had heard them arguing a block away. He walked up to his house with all the enthusiasm of someone headed over a cliff.

  “What are you two up to?” he asked.

  “I’m up to four feet and one inch,” said Amelia Bedelia. “Mom is probably the same height she was when you left this morning.”

  “But I’ve had it up to here with these Greek Games,” said her mother, indicating a level just above her head. “Look at my cake pans.”

  “Amelia Bedelia will have to pay for new pans,” said her father.

  “I need them tonight,” said Amelia Bedelia’s mother. “I’m baking cakes for the class picnic after the pentathlon.”

  “Besides dented discus cakes,” he asked, “what else is on the menu? I hope the food isn’t Greece-y.”

  Amelia Bedelia and her mother groaned.

  “Daaad,” said Amelia Bedelia.

  “Then you should love what we’re having tonight,” said Amelia Bedelia’s mother. “We’re eating vegetarian.”

  Amelia Bedelia’s father made a face. “I’ve never gotten used to eating vegetarians,” he said. “Those folks taste like broccoli that’s gone bad.”

  “Daaad . . .” A shiver ran down Amelia Bedelia’s spine. “Don’t say that,” she said. “I will totally lose my appetite.”

  “Sorry, cupcake. Let’s feast on rabbit food,” he said, clapping his hands and rubbing them together with fake excitement.