Online Lovers

by Ann Patty

  Red Flags are alerts that can serve you well in the education of your counterpart. There were many flags with John. At first I chalked these flags up to 'no worries' we are just friends. No vested interest, I'd remind myself.

  But, when emotions become entangled the personal stakes got higher. I had an unwarranted sense of ownership inside John's world. We both valued the others perspective. And when it came to spousal relations we peered into sacred grounds.

  We even thought as a 'we' even though we lead separate lives. In reality there was no 'we' and never could be as long as 'we' were living in a hidden closet.

  Words on a computer screen are potent. Emotional investment is just as volatile as a 'real' relationship. I would never take back this online affair, but I would caution others to beware. It is not for the faint of heart. That is why I share with you every emotion that I carried.

  2 Kirk with Love

  Who would have known! On the tail end of John came another, very unexpected, pseudo lover. Enter Craigslist again. Only this time I innocently placed an ad asking for information about a particular Southwest region.

  My inquiry was about a place to live, climate, living conditions, etc. I've done this sort of thing before. What you get back varies. That simple email gave me a wealth of information enough to know that area would not be a place for me to inhabit. That email also gave me Kirk.

  From the onset he sent a genuine, short email telling me to call him. No business he said, just personal. Kirk's email sat in my In box for over a month because I had issues to attend to. I really was not going to return his email. But he sent several silly jokes. Then he remarked that if I didn't call soon he would be out of clean jokes to send me. I like a good laugh and he was decent.

  We talked on the telephone....unlike the other one . . . . Anyway Kirk fed me a lot of information about his area. The conversation was pleasant. We seemed to hit it off as friends.

  There after we began writing. Everyday in fact for a couple of months. I got to know all about his life; and him about mine. Our letters were chatty, but the quality genuine. Just what I needed on the tail end of John; someone kind and with a perspective to share.

  I was planning a trip to his state and we figured out a time that I could come see him. Odd that Kirk never had a photo of himself to send. Said he could not afford a camera?! Red Flag? Maybe. He was 8 years older, but I was not aiming for anything, but a friendship. Yet we were headed in a direction of something.

  Our emails crossed the bridge of disclosure: about my divorce, about his ex girlfriend, about relationships, about him wanting a stronger libido.....yes, this is where our emails skirted with flirting.

  Taking about your libido is not something you discuss with an email pal unless there is an intent and the possibility of an affair. I even ran this one past my girlfriend. A double check said my mind was still working right.

  So okay, our emails continue. For the most part we just take about everyday stuff. Our emails were every single day. Another addiction here I surmise. Everyday emails are the makings of a serious relationship. After the last one I didn't put a lot of weight into Kirk.

  Sure I figured if I showed up down yonder. Maybe we could have a fling. If I saw what he looked like, first. He admitted he had not any relations for a number of years. Bingo, another bizarre hint telling me he was STDS clean for me.

  Then he left town. To see family and across the border to do some swimming and snorkeling. He was even sweet enough send me a quick email telling me where he was. On a borrowed computer he confessed. Nonetheless him thinking of me was a WOW!

  In fact Kirk thought of me a lot. He gave advice about my marriage. Kirk was taking a sense of ownership. He wanted my help on his acreage; planning for a possible equestrian set up.

  Kirk told me that he poured over my past notes and was in awe at how I pulled my life together with kids, jobs, and more. All this was endearing. So I'm wondering. Several men have fallen for me....or is it that they fall for my words? Interesting concept isn't it? My words vs. me?

  Kirk was gone for a month. I actually forgot about him. My girlfriend asked if I heard from him after a long while. No, I told her something is wrong. My girlfriend said, “He's dead”. My remark was that, that was what I thought too. Maybe he went off and got, beaten, raped and left for dead in Mexico? There was a strange feeling that I would hear from him on Saturday.

  And so here comes an email from Kirk. He just got home and right away wrote me and thanked me for all the joke emails that I sent him. I wrote him back, of course. That day I was happy. After a year of personal turmoil I so adored that here was someone that was honest and loyal. Kirk extended validation to me from his heart.

  As leaves got raked I pondered how all of a sudden happy I was again. What a roller coaster emotional year. It is curious that I need a man to make me happy. Or was it that I pined just to have a real connection with a male being once again? The male—female connection is all encompasses, yet we don't really need another human to administer our own happiness. Needing a mate to make you feel something, is purely learned behavior.

  So Kirk's wonderful welcome home came Saturday morning. I'm smiling all day. Saturday night another email comes to me.

  It's a $%#@*!&*# dear John letter. Apparently Kirk started seeing his ex-wife? A month ago. Probably horny after 5 years. Well, stupid male in him shows his ex my joke emails.

  My name was plastered all over his computer which flipped a switch with the EX. Of course it would. So Kirk tells me that he is not sure were it is at with them. She is tight with his family ties. Yadda. Yadda. There it is again; the subservient male syndrome again. Anyway, his grand slam conclusion is that it's best that we don't email anymore. End of story.

  So okay. Wow. Should I get mad? Maybe. I will give Kirk one credit. At least he had the decency to give me a good-bye letter with an explanation. So, I courteously send a quick I understand-thanks for your honesty—and best of luck back. He deserved that.

  Of course that night I went to bed and cried. Why me? Poor me. And then I thought of the lessons in this experience too. The recoveries are coming a lot faster now!

  First, I really wanted to have a closure from John. We spend over a year in intimate, highly sexual interludes. I tried to get his attention in the aftermath. I sent him joke emails. On his birthday I sent him a personal greeting. Nothing came back. I wrestled with the fact that he was so selfish and self absorbed.

  No more emails will be forthcoming from me. Ever. Each time I send an email and get no response it serves to validate my misery which holds me there. John is not healthy and I will not be unhealthy with him. Lesson implanted and hard won. Thank you Lord!

  So Kirk sends me what I had wanted from John. A good bye note. It stated clearly to me he needs and to be over us. He should be commended with a medal of honor. I would have liked to tell him many things. But, this time I refrained from indulging myself the way I did with John. The school of life has taught me to let it go and move on. And, I am learning quicker.

  However, there is a larger lesson here. It finally dawned on me. I am attracting to myself like kind mates. John is very married. Kirk thought he was unattached. In my current state I was not uncommitted.

  All of these folks brought to my life a total reflection of me. They were letting me see my attributes and abstractions. You cannot get upset at another unless you get mad at yourself for having that same quality.

  Relative Lessons

  You maybe reading this book to figure out why your spouse is online with another woman or man. Your request is legitimate.

  Perhaps you have caught your partner online, red handed. Maybe you have seen unfamiliar chat boxes pop up. Did you recently get locked out of any access to the computer? Does your spouse seem happier? Or moodier? You know your partner and their tempo.

  If you are the one suspecting your partner of having online relationships, don't panic. This can actually be an excellent opportunity. Look at the Internet as a too
l that is helping you to address what is missing in your partnership. People go online for a variety of reasons. Like myself I thought it was fun, educational, interesting, interactive, until I fell hard for John. Sh*t happens. Yet, there are very real emotional reasons folks look online.

  Partners may be abusive and controlling; thus the Internet is an escape. Some may have let themselves go physically. so portraying a sexier, slimmer lover to build ego is another game. People have different ideas for defining love. While one may want physical intimacy, the other may not require affection. Excitement of new affiliations might be another addictive catalyst. There are a host of reasons and they are all valid.

  Most committed folks know that going online is just not a very good pacifier. There are no quick fixes to be found on online. So unless a couple is perusing online together, yes, there should be real concern. Especially if you want to keep your partnership in tact.

  True, the Internet does not address whatever problem a couple faces at home. But it waves a big Red Flag to get on with the communication issues at hand. It's vital to acknowledge what is missing in the online lover's life. Whatever is lacking is very real. As well, when their mate makes the discovery it's equally devastating to his/her emotions. It should be understood that no one is to blame in this online lover game. Both partners are equal participants in what was created.

  An infidelity on the Internet can be damaging. For some the line is crossed when their partner is emotionally involved. For all the reasons and dramas withstanding, this territory is fixable.

  Problems do not get where they are overnight. There is a long procurement period. However, a concerted effort from both parties can mend broken bridges.

  Communication is the KEY to restarting a couple's clock. A vital modification may be to hire a counselor. Couples need new tools in their relationship tool kit to mend. We were not born with easy fix instruction manuals. Get help.

  Central to what's missing or lacking in the couples life is understanding and empathy. Listening skills are paramount to enabling a healthy relationship to recharge.

  If a couple is not adept at fixing their own issues, again, a good counselor is time well spent. It always helps to have an objective third party to check up on you two.

  Last, there are lessons in what you and your partner have experienced. Examine what they are. Be honest with yourself. And grow on.

  Safety 4 Online Lovers

  So the moral of being an Online Lover is this:

  Definitely we are beyond Email Etiquette 101....how to properly open and address an email. How to attach documents. What the content should include. How to close your letter. Zoom. Zoom. We are way past that notion.

  Be careful who you flirt with. You cannot truly see an online mate's life behind the screen. People can say one thing and be some one totally different. From my limited experience I would venture to guess that most men need an online mistress to give them back their ego boost. This is not a bad thing. Just be sure when playing the game that you protect your own emotions.

  Playing Online Lovers is not for the faint of heart. Feelings get stirred and attachments are made. Take the information from another as just that: information. It is up to you how to interpret data.

  If you are flirting with counterparts that are taken, or sort of committed, remember there will be someone that gets hurt. This is an unhealthy triangle. Don't go there.

  Remember your emotions. They will run away with you. Guaranteed. There is no other way to protect yourself than to abstain from playing the game. Period.

  Watch single dating sites. There are scammers on there as well. Most are earmarked, but not always.

  How you can prevent your emotional fiasco? Do not go online to find a mate. Yes, many have been found this way but it is a risky way to collaborate. However if you use this method for finding a lover follow these ideas.

  Watch for Red Flags. Such as no picture given or a very old version. As well someone not forthcoming with information that you asked for—or being evasive to any answers for any reasonable question is grounds for dismal.

  Many use a picture to guide their decision to click or not. Remember everything on the Internet is open for interpretation. EVERYTHING. Be careful.

  Income levels are personal. Dating sites post them, but how many folks really list their true income. This is best said in a private conversation once you know each other.

  If anything about any conversation does not feel right, or makes you feel uncomfortable, get out. Be cautious and forever suspicious. If you ask for answers that you do not get. If there are missing pieces that do not feel right, you are probably correct. Trust your intuition.

  Once email contact has been established a phone call should follow up in short order. Emails only convey so much. A person's voice, tone, inflection, and speaking manner measure more. Ongoing emails over a couple months without a phone call is a Red Flag that your counterpart is hiding something. Excuses don't make the cut.

  Take time to build up trust and don't give it away either. Online relationships needs to develop more slowly than real life relationships.

  Do not give out your address, real full name, or phone number until you've known each other at least a couple months.

  Online Lovers is a call for a mate. Email is a short term vehicle. Use it that way.

  Are you finally meeting your online lover? Set up a meeting outdoors or a place where the world goes by. If your potential mate cannot do that, pass them by.

  Find out someone is lying? Dump them. Yes, evasive answers happen, and if there is a pattern address it or dump the person.

  You may have many online chats with potential mates. Watch for patterns to cut wasting your time. Remember online dating is unique. Learn your lessons quickly and move on.

  The beauty of an online encounter is that you can interact with others worldwide. But there is nothing like face-to-face and human interactions to determining the right fit for you.

  If all you desire is only an online affair, be honest about that upfront.

  My Lessons

  It 'twas fun but I am done. Online Lovers leave too much to the imagination. Not that using your imagination is all bad when no picture is available. Mr. Hunk can be made to look like any Adonis in your creative brain.

  There is no substitute for a living breathing person. I don't care how good their 5 year old picture looks. Real life is brutally honest. For all you know what comes out of your lover's mouth might not sound like his/her written words.

  There are legitimate single people perusing the single sites to gain an Online Lover. Plenty of them. Wading through it all is too much work for ME. I'm going to count on the law of attraction. Like my sage friend who says let nature take it's course. Agreed, let her drop a man right in my path. This is my preference.

  And for these men that are under the wing and subservient to their wives, ladies be forewarned. Do not invest much time or energy in a relationship that is doomed from the get go. Of course like my friend Kirk this was unknown to me until his good-bye note. Let me give you a bit of advice: You have ANY doubts > RUN!

  DO NOT be anybody's secret. EVER. When John put our relationship into this context and used me and the word SECRET in the same sentence, he through a curve ball into my brain. Bingo!

  The dawning of reality clicked. He was not going to leave his wife. He was not going to call, much less ever see me. The 'us' of 'we' were going to be locked inside of emails forever more. That was not my idea of having any kind of friend. I ain't nobody's secret. Period.

  If you have to have this type of secret along side any other relationship then you have issues you are not addressing.

  Online- like any relationships are fraught with who expects what. I was naïve when my ventures first began. Having no expectations makes no problems. Stupidly I believed what John said to be true. He was talking about leaving his world for me. I was quite surprised at this revelation. Then thought, well, I'm going to be free soon. Maybe there is a
possibility. I really wish people would just shut their mouths. Good intentions backed by dreams = ZERO.