by Mary May
Jerking his mind away from that now painful memory, he glared at the woman who dared to make him remember. He wanted to scream at her…to lash out and make her hurt like he was hurting right now. His breathing hitched as he felt the cold hard wall he had so painstakingly built around his heart start to crack…
The next morning Hattie was back with her ever-present smile. Nate could barely stand to look at her. “Alright, Mr. Jackson, just as soon as you finish your breakfast we will spend some time in the pool. That should feel good to your sore muscles.”
Nate shook his head. “I’m not going into the pool.”
Hattie bustled about as if she didn’t hear him, so he said it again for good measure.
“I heard you the first time, Mr. Jackson. I have good hearing.”
Nate reached for his breakfast tray somewhat surprised that she had given in that easily. When he said as much, she laughed.
“Now, I said that I heard you. I never said I agreed with you. You are going into the pool because that is what the good doctor ordered.”
Nate swung his arm out, sending the tray across the room where it hit the wall, leaving a greasy smear of fried eggs and bacon. He glared at her. He was not going to the pool and that was that!
Twenty minutes later Nate stared up at a lift that was about to swing him over the edge and down into the pool. Anger churned in his gut, making him feel nauseous. At least that’s what he was going to say it was. He wouldn’t admit he was hungry under the threat of disembowelment. He hadn’t tossed a tray since the first time he did it with Hattie, but his rage exploded this morning when he realized she was going to make him get into the pool. Just once…just once…he wished he had control over something! His life had become a long never- ending string of commands. No one asked him anything anymore. It was worse than being a child! Today was the worst because he was shirtless so he would see his scars and he would be able to see his stump. It was something he had tried so hard to avoid facing. But as usual Nurse Hatchet had no mercy.
The lift slowly lifted him out of the wheelchair and swung him out over the pool. He held his breath as it gently lowered him into the cool water. Tears of anger and frustration burned at the back of his eyes as he tried to hold it together. He heard someone enter the water behind him. The pool became a blur as more hot tears filled his vision.
“Ok, Mr. Jackson, we will take it nice and slow today. I understand how unnerving this can be.” Nate’s knuckles turned white as he gripped the chains holding the seat that held him high enough in the water to keep from drowning. Tears that he no longer could hold back rolled down his cheek, dripping into the pool.
“You understand nothing,” he whispered, his voice thick with emotion. He heard more splashing as Hattie came closer to him.
“I do understand, Mr. Jackson. I understand exactly how you feel… I promise,” she said softly.
“How? How do know anything about how I feel? You don’t know unless you have been here!” He jerked his head to the side and his rage stopped when he looked upon Hattie’s burned and twisted skin that started at her collarbone running under her one piece bathing suit and shorts down her left leg and ending at her stump…
Nate’s shocked gaze slowly lifted and met Hattie’s steady one.
“You see, Nate, I really do understand everything you’re going through. I understand the pain that is beyond describing. I understand the helplessness and the rage. I understand all of it. That’s why Dr. Reed asked me to be your nurse. He thought that if anyone could reach you behind your wall of pain and misery it would have to be someone who has been there, too.” Nate watched as she leaned forward and then swam the rest of the way to where he hung suspended in the water.
“Right now you’re thinking that if those chains were to break and if no one was here to save you that you would drown.” He refused to meet her eyes. “You also thought that might not be bad thing.” Nate didn’t even try to hide the tears that rolled one after the other down his cheeks. He let them come…Hattie reached up, cupping his face.
“Nate…the time for raging against God or whoever or whatever you believe did this to you is over. It had its time…it ran its course. Now is the time for healing…for letting go of what should have been and reaching for and accepting what is.”
Nate’s shoulders shook from the force of his sobs. Tearing up from somewhere he couldn’t even understand, he wailed out his hurt and disappointment. He screamed out his anger and the loss of his dreams. Then somewhere in the mist of his internal war he felt the first glimmer of hope…
Chapter 11
Charlie sat in church and listened as Pastor Eddie spoke about learning how to know when to let go.
“Letting go is not always a loss. It depends on what you are letting go of. God never asks us to carry the heavy loads all by ourselves. Time and again the Bible tells us to cast all of our cares upon God. His shoulders are broad enough to carry whatever it is that is burdening you down. Matthew 11:28-30 says, ‘Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden light.’
“God will sometimes place burdens upon us for a short season. Usually it’s the burden to pray for someone, and again it generally lasts a short while. If you have been carrying something for a long while, I promise you it’s not from God and it’s not yours to carry. Lay it down…lay it at the foot of Calvary and leave it there. It doesn’t matter what it is…God wants to carry it for you. If you want prayer, please come forward…come down to the front so we can pray for you.”
Charlie sat in her seat for maybe thirty seconds before she stood and started making her way down to Pastor Eddie. He smiled when he saw her coming down the aisle toward him. She knew she wouldn’t even have to tell him what burden she was ready to release to God.
Logan grinned as Charlie sucked down yet another large better-than-anything chocolate shake. The girl must have a ridiculously high metabolism. She had become a new person since her trip down the aisle to pray with Pastor Eddie two months ago. Gone were the haunted shadows in her eyes that she tried so hard to hide. Now they were a beautiful blue and at the moment they sparkled at him. Logan knew he was in love with Charlie. He had been for a good while now, but he had to wait until her heart had recovered from Nate. Actually that wasn’t the only holdup. Charlie had to give herself permission to love someone else. Her entire life had revolved around loving Nate Jackson and she had to learn how to let that go. She had surprised him by putting off attending college until next year. Personally he thought she needed a break, but that could just be his own selfish motives talking because he didn’t want her to leave him. He knew he wasn’t college material. It had never appealed him. He considered it good enough that he graduated high school. It wasn’t that he wasn’t smart; he could hold his own well enough. He just always knew what he wanted and it didn’t take a college degree to achieve it. He had goals and dreams and right now his dream was holding her cup up over her mouth, slapping the end of it to get every last delectable drop of her milkshake.
Gideon watched as love began to blossom between Logan and Charlie. He was happy to see her smiling again and laughing, although he was surprised that she seemed to be moving forward with Logan. Somehow he always expected Nate to show back up, but no one had heard from him and Charlie placed her last call to California the night before she walked down to let Pastor Eddie pray for her. It just goes to show that he was no judge when it came to matters of the heart.
Charlie was helping Sabrina clean out some closets one Saturday afternoon. They laughed and reminisced over various items they had discovered. Charlie opened up a box full of old Valentine’s cards. The kind you would give and receive in elementary school. She pulled one out that had a huge shaggy dog on the front with hearts in place of its eyes. The caption above it said, “I see nothing but you!” When she turned it over, it was signed �
�Nate J.” She sat down cross-legged in the floor, holding the card while Sabrina continued digging in the closet.
“Oh, honey, look! I found your old stuffed teddy bear! The one I bought for you when you were maybe two or three at the garage sale. You carried it around everywhere and refused to sleep without it, remember?” Sabrina turned to find Charlie sitting on the floor holding an old valentine card. She didn’t have to ask who it was from. The devastated look on her daughter’s face told her it was from Nate.
“Charlie? Are you ok?” She watched her shake her head slowly.
“Mom, my whole life…he was here for just about my whole life. I believe I loved him for the biggest part of that time. You know, I don’t think I have hardly any childhood memories that he didn’t have a part in. What do I do with all of that? I turned Nate over God, but what do I do with all of our memories?” she asked with a sob in her throat.
Sabrina scooted closer and took the card from her daughter’s hand, laying it gently on the floor. “Oh, sweet angel. How I wish I could tell you some magical phrase to make it all go away…but I can’t.” She prayed silently for wisdom. After a minute or two she spoke again. “Charlie, I think memories are like pictures. Some we frame and hang on our walls so we can see them every day, and some we put away in a box and occasionally, when the mood strikes, we take them out and look at them.” She picked up the card and put it back in the box with the others then replaced the lid. “Someday you will feel like looking through this box of memories…when more time has passed and the pain isn’t so recent. Someday you will be able to walk back through time and enjoy only the sweetness of your childhood friend and boyfriend, before things got so complicated. But, for now…let’s just put this back in the closet. Today is not that day.”
Charlie sniffled then handed her mother the box.
Gideon thought the words that Sabrina had said were very wise. Some memories you think about often and others you think about occasionally. He let his mind drift back to the day before he was to leave the heavens and become Charlie’s guardian…
He was at his favorite place in heaven, the Crystal Sea. The sky was awash with brilliant colors as the day was drawing to an end. Pinks and ambers mixed with a deep blue created a stunning painting that could only be painted by the brush of the Creator. The waves were rolling in and the sound of them crashing against the shore soothed him. He still hadn’t quite come to terms with this new assignment. Oh, he was going to take it; he never refused the Lord, but his heart was heavy and frankly he resented it. He had spoken to his men and given what directions he could then he stopped by for one last look. He took off his breastplate, then his shin guards. He set aside his helmet and shield. Lastly he drove his sword and daggers down into the sand. The water washed up over his bare feet as he stepped into the waves, diving deep. He wished he could stay in the cool depths forever, but he knew he had an assignment and like a good soldier he would follow his orders even if he didn’t understand them. Walking back up to shore, he dropped to his knees, asking for guidance and wisdom for the journey he was about to take. With his head bowed and eyes closed, he felt warm golden rays of light bathe him. Peace entered his heart and he stepped out of the water, suited up and starting walking toward the departure gate, and one Charlotte Marie Blakely…
He looked at Charlie while she slept. She had her arms wrapped tight around the old teddy bear her mother had dug out of the closet. He never would have imagined that day on the beach that a human could ever hold his heart in the palm of her small hand…but this one did. Gideon loved the entire family, and he enjoyed fellowship and friendship with the other guardians that he knew he would miss greatly when this assignment was over. He wondered now what it would be like to be back in charge of the warriors, leading them into battle. He felt so different now…changed somehow.
The air next to him shimmered and Sherrilyn walked over next to him. “Hey, soldier boy, how you doing?”
Gideon smiled at his friend. “I’m ok…I think.”
Sherrilyn frowned at him. “You think? Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind and I will help you decide.”
“I don’t know, I was just thinking about what it will be like to go back to leading the warriors after I bring Charlie home.”
She cocked her head at him. “I would imagine it would be like it was before. I doubt anything’s changed.”
He shook his head slowly as he looked down at her. “I’ve changed, Sherrilyn…in here.” He tapped the bronze breastplate just above his heart.
“Is that a fact, big guy? How do you think you have changed?”
He pointed toward Charlie almost accusingly. “She changed me… She made me…mushy.”
Sherrilyn snorted! “Oh, Gideon, you may be a lot of things…but never mushy!” Once she had stopped giggling, she noticed the angel beside her wasn’t laughing. “Oh…hon, I’m sorry. You are being serious.”
He nodded. “Yes, I am. I can’t be a warrior much less the leader feeling all soft and sentimental inside. I need that hard edge -- it keeps me alive on the battlefield. Now… now I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Sherrilyn was quiet for a moment. “Charlie is only nineteen, and nowhere near the age for you to be thinking about taking her home. Unless you know something I don’t?”
He patted her hand then smiled. “No, I may not know when her going home day is, but I don’t think it’s anytime soon. I don’t really know what got me to thinking about it. The old me wouldn’t have taken five seconds to think about my ‘feelings.’ My warriors would laugh so hard at me right now.”
“Gideon, your warriors have not been exposed to the same things that you have. To do your job as Charlie’s guardian I would think you had to change… I told you before that you need different weapons for this assignment, less shields and swords and more love and compassion. I like this new you. I think you’re wonderful.” She took his hand and set it in her lap, holding it firmly with her much smaller ones.
Gideon watched her, wondering how someone who compared to him had lived such a short amount of time grew to be so wise.
Charlie stood in the barn watching Devon as he filed down one of the mare’s hooves. It was a chore that had to be done every so often to keep the hooves healthy. The steady scrape of the file along with the smell of hay and horse soothed her troubled mind. Devon had told her once that one of the best things for the inside of a person was the outside of a horse. She tended to agree. Every few minutes she would hand Devon the different tool he needed when he needed it. They had done this so often together that she knew when he would need which one. Finally he straightened up his tall frame with a loud groan, arching his back to work out the kinks from being bent over for so long.
“Ahhh…Charlie girl…if I had known getting old would be this hard or happen this quick I would have gotten vaccinated against it.”
Charlie laughed. “I don’t think they have anti-old shots, Dad.”
Devon looked at her in mock seriousness. “No? Well, they need to.” He patted the rump of the mare to urge her back into her stall; then he turned and looked back her. “So, are you and Logan going out tonight?”
She nodded. “Yes, we are going to see that new Christian movie War Room. I’ve heard it’s really good.” She followed Devon out of the barn and across the yard to the front porch.
“Your mama has been talking to me about going and seeing that one.”
Charlie grinned as she sat next to him on the swing. “You should take her tonight. We could double date! Come on…it will be fun!”
Devon grinned at her. “It wouldn’t embarrass you to be seen out with your folks?” he teased.
“Of course not! I think it would be really nice,” Charlie reassured.
Later that evening the two couples enjoyed the movie, which was as wonderful as the reviews had indicated. Then they stopped by the burger joint. They had all placed their orders and were chatting when the bell above the door chimed. Charlie glanced up to see Na
te’s parents walk into the diner, choosing a booth just three down from where they sat. Charlie felt guilt wash over her. What would they think of her sitting here with Logan while Nate was still recovering? The last time she had spoken to Dr. Reed, he told her that Nate’s parents still hadn’t called or come to visit.
Logan noticed the sudden change in Charlie and asked her what was wrong. “That is Nate’s mom and dad just a few booths down.”
He glanced up to see a couple sitting a few booths away. “Ok, do you want to go speak to them? I don’t mind.”
Charlie shook her head. “No, I don’t think they want to see me anyway.”
Sabrina reached over and took Charlie’s hand. “Sweetheart, did they ever start going to see Nate?”
When Charlie once more shook her head, Sabrina shook her own. “I know there must be some reason, but I can’t imagine not going and seeing my child. We must remember to keep them in our prayers.”
Charlie started shredding her napkin into tiny pieces. “If they have reasons, they are selfish ones if you ask me,” she muttered.
Devon looked up in surprise at the venom in Charlie’s voice. “Charlie girl, you can’t judge what you don’t know or understand. Things are not always what they appear to be at face value.” She looked up at him and the anger was clearly seen in the flash of her blue eyes.
