Stellar Proportions (Cosmic Soul Mates)

by Jeanette Lynn

  “Anyways…that’s besides the point..” he said waving his hand around, like he was fanning away a funny smell.

  “Well? What is the point? Talking to you is like waiting for paint to dry. Spit. It. Out. Already!” I said, cutting him off. Talk about dramatic, the ‘Squidger’ sure new how to annoy the piss out of me.

  “Fine,” Jaye said, coming up in front of me until we were practically chest to chest. I think he was attempting to intimidate me. You never know with him. The little weirdo could also be trying to compare our ‘man boobs’, for all I know. Who could say when it comes to that blue overgrown ‘pom pom’.

  “Stay away from Molilah. You can’t have her. Ever. So don’t even think about it. Ever. Don’t even consider, considering, thinking about it! Don’t even think, about thinking, about considering, to consider it! Alright! Just say NO!”

  At that, Jaye spun around on his heel and stalked off towards the stage where everyone else was gathered. I stood there, stunned for a moment, and then got my wits about me. I shook my head in exasperation. What had gotten into him? I glanced around and walked over to where he’d been sitting earlier. I sniffed, surreptitiously, at the drinks at his table. They smelled fine. Obviously, no human liquor was being ingested. Maybe I should have Mama check Auntie Nona to see if she has her flask on her? That or the blue ‘Chia Pet’ has finally lost his damn mind!

  I made my way over to the knot of people and took a spot off to the side, but still in full view of all the action. Don’t want to miss the good stuff. I licked my lips again, hoping to catch another taste of Mama’s Rellian cakes.

  I smiled, thinking about how I’d gotten said cakes. She was just too easy to rile up. Mol was easy pickin’s if you asked me.

  Speaking of Mol, where is the little midget? Oh, there she is, doing an impromptu dance with Jaye. It looked like the Hokey Pokey and the Macarena met the Chicken dance.

  Wow. Those two should never dance…ever …it was almost too painful to watch. Almost... but like a shuttle wreck, I just couldn’t look away. I have to give them credit, though, those two could have fun at a stamp collecting convention. I envied them their bond.

  I don’t know why Mol and I couldn’t get along, we just didn’t and still don’t. She’s like Jaye in a way, easy to pick on and quick to get riled. They might as well have targets painted on their foreheads.

  Auntie Nona came waddling over to the podium, tapping the mic to see that it was working. Nona had outdone herself today. A powder pink sun dress with huge bright yellow sunflowers on it and chunky, clear, platform wedge heels that had glittery straps crisscrossing at the top. That was her ensemble for the evening. Where, in this galaxy, did she find crap like that. I mean, she was like a giant eye sore. Blue skin can only wear so many colors, but that was indecent on anyone. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she had her navy blue hair piled on top of her head, in some crazy 'do' that reminded me of a rat’s nest. Nona had started to fiddle with the mic, attempting to talk into it, but no sound was coming out.

  I glanced back at Jaye and Mol. Jaye had a rose stem in his mouth now and was doing some, odd, jerky dance towards Mol and Mags. His hips thrust towards them, with every forward motion, as he advanced on them. The girls were laughing hysterically, waving, what looked like, universal dollars at him.

  I pulled out my phone and glanced around. When I saw the coast was clear, I pointed it in their direction and pressed record. I tried to adopt a casual stance as I recorded their antics. I stood there for a few moments, studying them through the view on my screen.

  Mags started to dance along next to Jaye and her impression of him had Jaye busting up laughing. His rose dropped out of his mouth and skittered off to the side a little, by the crowd. Mol went in search of the lost flower and I tracked her movements as she went, using the view on my phone as my method of espionage. Mol found the wayward flower and bent, suddenly, at the waist to pick it up. Her heart shaped ass came into view on my screen as she did it. Her dress was form fitting on her generously curvy frame and it accentuated just how lovely her bum really is. Now, it was made even more obvious when she bent over.

  I drooled at that for about a minute and then realized what I was doing. Wait. NO, no, no, no. Bad. That’s bad, bad, bad. I pressed stop on the recorder.

  Inadvertently freezing the picture of her very ripe rump and putting it on display even more.

  Oh, my god! I’ve been infected or something!! I smacked my forehead with my free hand, and felt around on my face. Nope... No fever …damn. I started pushing up the sleeves of my dress shirt, to see if I had suddenly developed a case of space pox or something. Naw, still blue. What is getting into me?

  You know what? I know what’s going on...I’ve been spending way too much time by myself. Yup, that’s it, I need to get out more. I mean, good grief, I’m checking out my brother’s annoying best friend and known she devil. Next thing you know, I’ll be joining in on the, impromptu, mangled Chicken dances and dressing like Auntie Nona.

  Ack!

  Click, Click, Whom

  I was pulled out of my downward spiraling thoughts by someone, unceremoniously, snatching my phone out of my hand.

  Oh, no! Oh, man, kill me now!!

  My mother gave me a stern look and propped her hands on her hips, the phone still in her hand.

  “I thought Tawn said ‘no phones at the wedding’?”

  If only I could reach my phone, somehow, and get the image of Mol’s heinie off of there.

  “You know? I can’t remember,” I said.

  If all else fails, play dumb.

  “Then you won’t mind if I hold on to this until after the wedding, would you, ‘Neye’ honey?” she quipped.

  She had that look on her face. The polite mask she uses in public places, when she wants you to know she’s onto you, without scowling at you in public.

  “I’ll just turn it off, right now, and put it in my pocket Mama.”

  I made a mad grab for my phone, but Mama is no ordinary mom, she’s all knowing, or psychic, or something. She, deftly, dodged my hands and hunched herself up and over my phone. She held it up to her face, so she could see what I had been up to.

  Busted.

  My mother looked up and then quickly glanced around, squashing my phone between her breasts, like she was somehow hiding the evidence of my ‘self treason’.

  Erm.. now I have to get a new phone…ack.. Mom boobs, I shuddered.

  How else could this day get any worse?

  Ogle Mol’s ass, phone gets contaminated with motherly breast germs….

  Now is the part where someone drops a piano on me. I closed my eyes and waited... and then I waited some more.

  Hmm.

  I squinted my eyes open a bit and glanced around. My mother was, apparently, watching my entire, internal self flagellation, because she had an odd, thoughtful, expression on her face.

  Mama suddenly smiled, pulled out a hanky and wiped off my phone, and then handed it back to me. It couldn’t be that easy, it never was with her.

  I glanced at her and she put her hand on my back, giving me a gentle pat. It was a ‘there there’ pat.

  “Now, don’t you worry honey, she’ll come around. If I had known you wanted Mol, I would have tried to get you two going a long time ago.”

  I opened my mouth to explain, to contradict what she had said, or at the least make a distressed sound of some kind, anything! But she just shook her head and steam rolled right over me.

  “You don’t have to explain a thing. It all makes sense now,” she said, nodding her head in understanding.

  “The ribbing, the pranks, the nicknames, it was all because you wanted her attention, for Molilah to notice you.”

  She clapped her hands and headed off into the crowd, turning around slightly at the last minute and saying over her shoulder, “If I had known then, what I know now, I might have had a grandchild, or two, by now.”

  Grandchildren!

  I choked on my own saliva at her par
ting shot. I coughed and spluttered until I got myself back under control.

  Can I have your attention please

  Nona had, apparently, fixed the mic problem and was now directing everyone to form a perimeter around the stage, leaving the center empty.

  Tawn and Ponne took their places on the stage.

  Nona called for all the single men to come forward. Jaye, me, and around thirty other men, stepped forward to enter the ‘circle’ Nona had previously had everyone form. Marre and Perre were among us, jostling each other and laughing.

  Apparently Tawn wanted to uphold the ‘Old Earth’ tradition of tossing her bouquet to all the single ladies. Ponne had conceded to her wish, under the condition that he got to do the garter toss.

  Ponne knelt down in front of his bride, slowly sliding his lower arms up and under Tawn’s dress to remove her garter. His upper arms were holding her dress down, so no one, except the groom, got to see his bride’s ‘secrets’.

  Mol hopped up on a chair and started cheering Ponne on, shouting obscene encouragement.

  “Whoa baby! Use your teeth Pinkysaurus! Woo hoo!”

  Tawn blushed lavender when Ponne grinned wolfishly and his head disappeared beneath her dress.

  Tawn braced herself by pressing her hands on Ponne’s broad shoulders, to keep herself upright. I had to wonder for a second there, when Tawn tensed and covered her face with her hand, as if to hide herself… her other hand was still braced on his back.

  I couldn’t help but think, ‘Please don’t be doing lewd things to my cousin in front of me. I promised myself I would give them another minute, maybe two, before I stormed the stage and gave him a knuckle sandwich. It would be interesting to see who would win in a fight between the two of us. But, if need be, I'd find out.

  This is my cousin we’re talking about here and family comes first. Cat calls abounded through the room and Ponne reappeared looking very pleased with himself, a blue silk garter caught between his teeth. He held up his prize in his hand, twirling it around on his index finger, for all to see. Then proceeded to ‘sling shot’ the garter into the group of single men. It sailed through the air and I watched its progress as it made its way into the melee.

  It landed smack dab on my chest and I cupped my hand over it, reflexively.

  Huh, never done the garter toss before. Have to keep that in mind for future reference…if there ever is a need for future references.

  The last woman I dated said, and I’m quoting here, “Good luck finding someone who will put up with your controlling, barbaric ways! You GIANT BLUE ASSHOLE!”

  Really though? How was I supposed to know the man she was smiling at and hugging with, at her parent’s house party, was actually her cousin?! It seemed like flirting to me, and he only hung from the tree for like a minute….maybe twenty. She blew the whole thing out of proportion, if you ask me.

  He was perfectly fine, once they cut him down. Maybe a little dizzy, but whoop dee doo.

  I didn’t even get to swing at his upside down, swaying, form like a piñata yet. I’d made a bat and everything with the branch I’d found in their backyard. I rolled my eyes to myself at that.

  So what? So I’m a little possessive, I don’t like to share.

  I was drawn from my musings by an announcement for all the men to clear the floor for the bridal bouquet toss.

  I went back to my original spot and placed the garter on my head like a sweat band. After about a minute, I remembered where that garter had been for most of the night and quickly yanked it off my head.

  I love my cousin, don’t get me wrong…but yeah…no..

  I decided to place it on my bicep, over my shirt sleeve, instead, like an arm band.

  That would work right?

  I examined my strategically placed spoil and gave myself a mental pat on the back.

  Classy, I thought to myself.

  A delicate bouquet

  Molilah

  I groaned inwardly, looking for a place to hide.

  Oh! With men, it was fun to tease and rib during the garter toss… but the bouquet toss was a whole other ball of wax. Women didn’t get a hearty pat on the back from their other comrades on their ‘continuing bachelor life style’.

  Noooo. All you got were horny groomsmen, looking to ‘score’, and pitying looks. As if they were thinking ‘poor kid, can’t even keep a man enticed long enough for him to take her to a wedding’.

  Ack!

  And then, the ever present, ‘oh so helpful’ gals, that just want to ‘hook you up’ with their terminally single friends, brothers, cousins, uncles, etc… who are usually single for a reason.

  You get the picture I’m painting here?

  I continued my search until I found a potted plant of some sort. I don’t know what kind it is, but it was big and off to the side. Plenty of fan like leaves spread out from it in a circular formation, and the leaves were close enough together to hide someone if they stood behind it.

  I let out a sigh of relief and prepared my excuses for my ‘absence’ at the ‘toss’. Just in case I was asked where I was, which I probably would be. Just when I thought I had gotten away with it, Nona came on the mic.

  “Molilah? Molilah honey, are you here? Where are you ‘Sweeting’? We’re getting ready to do the flower toss.”

  I peeked through the leaves of my hiding spot to catch a glimpse of the stage.

  There she stood, in all her mismatched glory, calling me out with the help of the two huge stage speakers and the rooms nifty surround sound. Her voice actually echoed as she spoke.

  Could this get anymore embarrassing?

  “Maybe she’s in the restroom?”

  Nona, either knowingly or unknowingly, had said that loud and clear through the microphone.

  Oh My God! Kill me now!

  My face flushed and I could feel the heat coming off of it. I probably looked like a tomato now.

  Nona put her face close to the mic and loudly said, “Could someone check the restroom for Mol? I don’t want her to miss her chance.”

  Ack!

  My ‘death by embarrassment’ was complete, or so I thought, at her last statement, but no, the battle axe had to drive one more nail into my coffin.

  “If you do find her in there and it’s number two?”

  She held up two fingers to the crowd at large,

  “Just let her know we can give her ‘fifteen’, so she can finish up. No hurry, ‘kay?”

  I jumped from my hiding spot and rushed over to the knot of desperate single women.

  “I’m right here Nona! Right here! See!” I pointed to myself and waved my hand at her and then at myself.

  “I was just getting a drink! A drink! Just a drink! Nothing else! Heh heh,” I smiled a huge fake smile, hoping I didn’t look constipated with my red face. I have, officially, completed my slide into idiocy. Red faced and babbling about getting a drink. Like that would cover up Nona announcing, to the room at large, she thought I was ‘dropping a load’.

  “Well, alright then. Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?!” Nona said, clapping her hands together with a resounding slap through the microphone. She motioned towards Tawn so she could step forward.

  “Alright my little chick a dees! Let’s see who’s going to be the next lucky gal!” Tawn waggled her bouquet as she said it. She turned and looked slightly over her shoulder to judge the distance to the estrogen charged group.

  I moved slightly off to the side to dodge the flower encrusted missile... and the riot that was bound to ensue in hopes of catching the symbolic, false hopes of future wedded bliss, all wrapped up in baby’s breath and Rellian lilies.

  I glanced around the room and saw Neyenn off to the side of the room. He was fiddling with the garter he’d caught, adjusting it, so it was ‘just so’, on his left bicep. If he flexed, he would probably snap the elastic in the darn thing.

  Where Jaye was ridiculously muscled and fit, he looked small compared to Neyenn. Everything on the Rellian was huge. His a
rms and legs looked like big blue tree trunks. He probably had a twelve pack. Like steroids on steroids. Geesh! Just…Much too much, if you asked me. Only thing that should come in a twelve pack is soda pop!

  A ‘thwack’ resounded through the room as the bouquet smacked me square in the face.

  Ugh.. that’s gonna leave a mark.

  I caught the bouquet as it bounced off my face and grimaced at it. I looked up and waggled my unwanted prize, giving a weak smile.

  Jaye was grinning like a loon and shouting encouragement.

  “Woo whoo Mol! You go girl!”

  He balled his fist up and made a forward, repetitive, rolling motion with it. The kind you see from the crowds cheering at sporting events.

  “Git’ ya self a man baby!”

  His over exuberant platitudes would be dealt with at a later date.

  The traitor.

  The disc jockey started the music up again and everyone started to disperse and head back towards the tables.

  Mother knows best?

  Muna came up to the stage next to Nona and tried to snatch the microphone from her, but Nona held tight. The two of them kept it up for a few minutes, struggling back and forth with it in a very odd, girly like version of tug of war.

  Muna leaned towards Nona and whispered something fiercely into her ear. Whatever it was she’d said it worked.

  Nona gave a shocked gasp and dropped her hands, her face a mask of surprise. She must have some dirt on Nona, I guessed. Otherwise, how else could she have gotten the stubborn ol’ filly to give it up.

  Muna smiled serenely and walked over to the d.j. booth. She made a cutting motion with her hand and he obliged.

  “Excuse me! Can I have your attention please? Thank you. I would like the two winners from the ‘garter toss’ and the ‘bouquet toss’ to come up here please.” She walked to the middle of the dance floor and looked at me, motioning for me to step forward.

  What did I do now?