Complete Plays, The

by William Shakespeare

Courtezan

  Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.

  Will you go with me? We’ll mend our dinner here?

  Dromio of Syracuse

  Master, if you do, expect spoon-meat; or bespeak a long spoon.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  Why, Dromio?

  Dromio of Syracuse

  Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  Avoid then, fiend! what tell’st thou me of supping?

  Thou art, as you are all, a sorceress:

  I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

  Courtezan

  Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,

  Or, for my diamond, the chain you promised,

  And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

  Dromio of Syracuse

  Some devils ask but the parings of one’s nail,

  A rush, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin,

  A nut, a cherry-stone;

  But she, more covetous, would have a chain.

  Master, be wise: an if you give it her,

  The devil will shake her chain and fright us with it.

  Courtezan

  I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain:

  I hope you do not mean to cheat me so.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dromio, let us go.

  Dromio of Syracuse

  ‘Fly pride,’ says the peacock: mistress, that you know.

  Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

  Courtezan

  Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad,

  Else would he never so demean himself.

  A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,

  And for the same he promised me a chain:

  Both one and other he denies me now.

  The reason that I gather he is mad,

  Besides this present instance of his rage,

  Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner,

  Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.

  Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,

  On purpose shut the doors against his way.

  My way is now to hie home to his house,

  And tell his wife that, being lunatic,

  He rush’d into my house and took perforce

  My ring away. This course I fittest choose;

  For forty ducats is too much to lose.

  Exit

  SCENE IV. A STREET.

  Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and the Officer

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Fear me not, man; I will not break away:

  I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,

  To warrant thee, as I am ’rested for.

  My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,

  And will not lightly trust the messenger

  That I should be attach’d in Ephesus,

  I tell you, ’twill sound harshly in her ears.

  Enter Dromio of Ephesus with a rope’s-end

  Here comes my man; I think he brings the money.

  How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Here’s that, I warrant you, will pay them all.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  But where’s the money?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  I’ll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  To a rope’s-end, sir; and to that end am I returned.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.

  Beating him

  Officer

  Good sir, be patient.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Nay, ’tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.

  Officer

  Good, now, hold thy tongue.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Thou whoreson, senseless villain!

  Dromio of Ephesus

  I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel your blows.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long ears. I have served him from the hour of my nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating; I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat; and, I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.

  Enter Adriana, Luciana, the Courtezan, and Pinch

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Mistress, ‘respice finem,’ respect your end; or rather, the prophecy like the parrot, ‘beware the rope’s-end.’

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Wilt thou still talk?

  Beating him

  Courtezan

  How say you now? is not your husband mad?

  Adriana

  His incivility confirms no less.

  Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;

  Establish him in his true sense again,

  And I will please you what you will demand.

  Luciana

  Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!

  Courtezan

  Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!

  Pinch

  Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.

  Striking him

  Pinch

  I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,

  To yield possession to my holy prayers

  And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:

  I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven!

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.

  Adriana

  O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  You minion, you, are these your customers?

  Did this companion with the saffron face

  Revel and feast it at my house to-day,

  Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut

  And I denied to enter in my house?

  Adriana

  O husband, God doth know you dined at home;

  Where would you had remain’d until this time,

  Free from these slanders and this open shame!

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Dined at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Were not my doors lock’d up and I shut out?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Perdie, your doors were lock’d and you shut out.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  And did not she herself revile me there?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn’d you.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  And did not I in rage depart from thence?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  In verity you did; my bones bear witness,

  That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
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  Adriana

  Is’t good to soothe him in these contraries?

  Pinch

  It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein,

  And yielding to him humours well his frenzy.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Thou hast suborn’d the goldsmith to arrest me.

  Adriana

  Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,

  By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Money by me! heart and goodwill you might;

  But surely master, not a rag of money.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Went’st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?

  Adriana

  He came to me and I deliver’d it.

  Luciana

  And I am witness with her that she did.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  God and the rope-maker bear me witness

  That I was sent for nothing but a rope!

  Pinch

  Mistress, both man and master is possess’d;

  I know it by their pale and deadly looks:

  They must be bound and laid in some dark room.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?

  And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?

  Adriana

  I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.

  Dromio of Ephesus

  And, gentle master, I received no gold;

  But I confess, sir, that we were lock’d out.

  Adriana

  Dissembling villain, thou speak’st false in both.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all;

  And art confederate with a damned pack

  To make a loathsome abject scorn of me:

  But with these nails I’ll pluck out these false eyes

  That would behold in me this shameful sport.

  Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strives

  Adriana

  O, bind him, bind him! let him not come near me.

  Pinch

  More company! The fiend is strong within him.

  Luciana

  Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,

  I am thy prisoner: wilt thou suffer them

  To make a rescue?

  Officer

  Masters, let him go

  He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.

  Pinch

  Go bind this man, for he is frantic too.

  They offer to bind Dromio of Ephesus

  Adriana

  What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?

  Hast thou delight to see a wretched man

  Do outrage and displeasure to himself?

  Officer

  He is my prisoner: if I let him go,

  The debt he owes will be required of me.

  Adriana

  I will discharge thee ere I go from thee:

  Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,

  And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.

  Good master doctor, see him safe convey’d

  Home to my house. O most unhappy day!

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  O most unhappy strumpet!

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Master, I am here entered in bond for you.

  Antipholus of Ephesus

  Out on thee, villain! wherefore dost thou mad me?

  Dromio of Ephesus

  Will you be bound for nothing? be mad, good master: cry ‘The devil!’

  Luciana

  God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!

  Adriana

  Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.

  Exeunt all but Adriana, Luciana, Officer and Courtezan

  Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?

  Officer

  One Angelo, a goldsmith: do you know him?

  Adriana

  I know the man. What is the sum he owes?

  Officer

  Two hundred ducats.

  Adriana

  Say, how grows it due?

  Officer

  Due for a chain your husband had of him.

  Adriana

  He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.

  Courtezan

  When as your husband all in rage to-day

  Came to my house and took away my ring —

  The ring I saw upon his finger now —

  Straight after did I meet him with a chain.

  Adriana

  It may be so, but I did never see it.

  Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is:

  I long to know the truth hereof at large.

  Enter Antipholus of Syracuse with his rapier drawn, and Dromio of Syracuse

  Luciana

  God, for thy mercy! they are loose again.

  Adriana

  And come with naked swords.

  Let’s call more help to have them bound again.

  Officer

  Away! they’ll kill us.

  Exeunt all but Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  I see these witches are afraid of swords.

  Dromio of Syracuse

  She that would be your wife now ran from you.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence:

  I long that we were safe and sound aboard.

  Dromio of Syracuse

  Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us no harm: you saw they speak us fair, give us gold: methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of me, I could find in my heart to stay here still and turn witch.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  I will not stay to-night for all the town;

  Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.

  Exeunt

  ACT V

  SCENE I. A STREET BEFORE A PRIORY.

  Enter Second Merchant and Angelo

  Angelo

  I am sorry, sir, that I have hinder’d you;

  But, I protest, he had the chain of me,

  Though most dishonestly he doth deny it.

  Second Merchant

  How is the man esteemed here in the city?

  Angelo

  Of very reverend reputation, sir,

  Of credit infinite, highly beloved,

  Second to none that lives here in the city:

  His word might bear my wealth at any time.

  Second Merchant

  Speak softly; yonder, as I think, he walks.

  Enter Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse

  Angelo

  ’Tis so; and that self chain about his neck

  Which he forswore most monstrously to have.

  Good sir, draw near to me, I’ll speak to him.

  Signior Antipholus, I wonder much

  That you would put me to this shame and trouble;

  And, not without some scandal to yourself,

  With circumstance and oaths so to deny

  This chain which now you wear so openly:

  Beside the charge, the shame, imprisonment,

  You have done wrong to this my honest friend,

  Who, but for staying on our controversy,

  Had hoisted sail and put to sea to-day:

  This chain you had of me; can you deny it?

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  I think I had; I never did deny it.

  Second Merchant

  Yes, that you did, sir, and forswore it too.

  Antipholus of Syracuse

  Who heard me to deny it or forswear it?

  Second Merchant

  These ears of mine, thou know’st did hear thee.

  Fie on thee, wretch! ’tis pity that thou livest

  To walk where any honest man resort.

  Antipho
lus of Syracuse

  Thou art a villain to impeach me thus:

  I’ll prove mine honour and mine honesty

  Against thee presently, if thou darest stand.

  Second Merchant

  I dare, and do defy thee for a villain.

  They draw

  Enter Adriana, Luciana, the Courtezan, and others

  Adriana

  Hold, hurt him not, for God’s sake! he is mad.

  Some get within him, take his sword away:

  Bind Dromio too, and bear them to my house.

  Dromio of Syracuse

  Run, master, run; for God’s sake, take a house!

  This is some priory. In, or we are spoil’d!

  Exeunt Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse to the Priory

  Enter the Lady Abbess, Aemilia

  Aemelia

  Be quiet, people. Wherefore throng you hither?

  Adriana

  To fetch my poor distracted husband hence.

  Let us come in, that we may bind him fast

  And bear him home for his recovery.

  Angelo

  I knew he was not in his perfect wits.

  Second Merchant

  I am sorry now that I did draw on him.

  Aemelia

  How long hath this possession held the man?

  Adriana

  This week he hath been heavy, sour, sad,

  And much different from the man he was;

  But till this afternoon his passion

  Ne’er brake into extremity of rage.

  Aemelia

  Hath he not lost much wealth by wreck of sea?

  Buried some dear friend? Hath not else his eye

  Stray’d his affection in unlawful love?

  A sin prevailing much in youthful men,

  Who give their eyes the liberty of gazing.

  Which of these sorrows is he subject to?

  Adriana

  To none of these, except it be the last;

  Namely, some love that drew him oft from home.

  Aemelia

  You should for that have reprehended him.

  Adriana

  Why, so I did.

  Aemelia

  Ay, but not rough enough.

  Adriana

  As roughly as my modesty would let me.

  Aemelia

  Haply, in private.

  Adriana

  And in assemblies too.

  Aemelia

  Ay, but not enough.

  Adriana

  It was the copy of our conference:

  In bed he slept not for my urging it;

  At board he fed not for my urging it;

  Alone, it was the subject of my theme;

  In company I often glanced it;

  Still did I tell him it was vile and bad.

  Aemelia

  And thereof came it that the man was mad.

  The venom clamours of a jealous woman

  Poisons more deadly than a mad dog’s tooth.

  It seems his sleeps were hinder’d by thy railing,

  And therefore comes it that his head is light.