by A. S. Kelly
“What are you doing here, Patrick? Why don’t you
leave me alone?” she says, raising her voice.
“You want me to go? You want me to leave you
in peace? Would that make you feel better?” I
jump to my feet, hurt by her words.
“I just want you to explain to me why you’re
here with me.”
How am I supposed to answer her? Because I
can’t do anything other than be here? That my
stupid fucking heart decided to start working and it
made me choose her?
In the end, I tell her the truth. “I know that I
can’t avoid it. I can’t stay away from you even if I
understand that I shouldn’t be close to you. It’s
difficult to explain.”
“What’s wrong with you, Patrick?”
“Wha… what?” I ask, terrified by her question.
“When did you become like this? There has to
be a reason, a cause … What turned you into the
asshole that you are?”
If she could have punched me full-on right in
the chest, it would have hurt less. After having told
her all those things … What a fucking idiot I’ve
been. I sure know how to be a dog’s ass.
I turn and go without saying anything because I
have nothing left to say.
This is who I am, I always have been like this
and I will continue to be. It’s useless trying to
force yourself into being something you’re not.
I don’t want to be analyzed; I don’t want to be
pitied.
I don’t want a fucking thing.
10
Erin
I get out of the tub immediately and let the water
fall to the floor. I look around and all I can find is a
miserable towel. I wrap myself up in it the best I
can, dripping all over the apartment, running after
Patrick. Why am I doing it? Why? I just don’t
know.
“Patrick!” I yell before he can walk out the
door.
He stops in his tracks but does not turn around.
“Please, don’t go.”
“This is not my place, Erin.”
I bite my lip and try to breathe deeply to quell
the urge I have to cry.
“You don’t need me,” he adds with a voice so
thick with desperation that I’m tempted to throw
myself at him and hold him until daybreak comes.
I slowly go to him, still barefoot, and I’m
careful not to slip. I touch him lightly on the
shoulder—he’s still soaking wet—and I can feel
him tense up at my touch. So I remove my hand
and take two steps backwards, feeling my eyes
swell up with tears mercilessly.
“No one needs me.” His voice is broken.
This time it’s my turn to be courageous. I put
my hand on his back and squeeze it hard so as to
let him feel my support.
“Patrick…” I try to get closer to him, in any
way I can. “I’m sorry for the things I said. I was
confused and feeling out of sorts and—”
“I’m not the right type for you. I’m not the right
type for anyone. I’m not able to stay emotionally
close to a person. I’m a selfish asshole and I
always have been.”
“I know,” I tell him, caressing his bearded face
slowly. At my touch he pulls away sharply.
“Stay away from me, Erin. Please. I can’t … I
can’t be what you need me to be. I’m not that kind
of man, don’t you understand that? I’m not even a
man.”
His words break my heart.
“See, I don’t want to hurt anybody,” he goes on.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
I lower my glance and let the tears flow, for by
now, there’s no point holding in my feelings.
“I’ve already done it once,” Patrick continues.
“I can’t allow it to happen again.”
“What? What are you…” I don’t have the
courage to finish the question, to listen to what he
has to say.
He sighs in frustration and rubs his eyes with
his fists.
“I was eighteen and she was seventeen…” he
starts to tell me as I try to swallow something that
is straining my throat. “It happened. We weren’t
careful. I wasn’t careful.”
“You were young...”
He shakes his head vigorously.
“I was just a jerk, selfish. I didn’t want the
responsibility, and she knew it.”
“And she?” Good lord, I can’t even spit it out.
To tell the truth, it’s hard to talk at all.
Everything’s happening so quickly here with all
these events pulsing through my heart it seems like
it’s all going to end up in my throat and choke me.
“I’ve always been a jerk, but I never would
have abandoned her, believe me,” he says, finally
looking at me and his eyes are full of pain, deep
and real pain.
“I believe you.”
“She already made the decision for both of us.
She told me it was too late. Her mother took her to
Liverpool and…” A hiccup escapes his lips and my
heart shatters in a million pieces. “She told me that
she could never trust a selfish asshole like me,
because the only thing I’m good for is swinging on
every side. She told me I wasn’t worth anything,
that I would always be a hopeless bastard because
I’m incapable of love, of feeling any real sentiment
and taking on any significant responsibility. I
ruined her life and I’ve never forgiven myself for
it.”
“Patrick.” I step closer because I want to hold
him close to me. Because I want him to feel my
heart that is suffering together with his. I want him
to feel that I believe him.
“Don’t do it, okay? Don’t feel sorry for me. And
don’t get close to me, Erin, I beg you. I’d only hurt
you. I ruin everything I touch. I don’t want to
destroy you too.”
“You aren’t what you think you are, Patrick.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be worried about hurting
anyone, because no one would be important for
you. If you were really like that, you wouldn’t try
to help your family or your friends and most of all,
you wouldn’t try to help me.”
He shakes his head again, this time determined
to go.
“Don’t you see, Patrick? You wouldn’t care
about a baby that isn’t yours if you weren’t a better
person that you think you are.” I try to convince
him.
“I do care, Erin. About him and about you. I
shouldn’t care so much, but I do. I care more than
my fucking life.” He concludes before running
down the stairs, leaving me with the fear and hope
that behind his words there’s something there that
he doesn’t have the strength to show me.
Something that I’d like to touch and hold.
Something to handle with care because it could
explode in my hands.
Patrick
“Are you ready, man?”
Jay comes close to me giving me a pat on the
back, which I instinctively jerk away from.
“What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong?
Rain and Erin have been back for two hours and
I’ve been trying to keep my distance and not even
look at her. I know there was another appointment
with the gynecologist, Rain told me about it, but
after the other night, I don’t have the courage even
to look at her. I’m afraid of seeing pity or
compassion in her eyes or worse yet, disrespect.
After my stupid confession I went away to
avoid facing the argument, being analyzed or to
stop giving her false hope, by making her believe
that there is something behind this facade of mine
to grab onto. I don’t want her to get it into her head
that she can save me or fix me, that I’m able to
change. That she might think I’m capable of
loving. I’d like to ask her how her appointment
went, what the doctor said. I’d like to … ah, shit.
I’m losing control. I can’t let it happen. I can’t let
myself be dragged into something so big and so far
from me and what I have always been.
“Nothing. I’m just agitated,” I reply to Jay’s
question, asking me what’s wrong.
“No one to pass the time with after work?” he
asks facing me head on, making fun of me.
Someone to spend a bit of time with?
There are at least five people here tonight who
are worth noticing, but only one that means
anything to me. And she’s not among the five I just
mentioned.
I jump on stage against my will, for tonight I’m
not able to concentrate on anything, I’ve managed
to break four glasses. What the hell. I need to calm
down.
I grab the bass guitar briskly and slip the strap
around my shoulder, keeping my eyes low so as
not to get lost in her eyes and in her fears.
Liam starts singing and in less than ten seconds
I’m cursing this fucking song, the words and my
tormented soul, because it’s impossible for me not
to think of every word that comes out of his mouth
and imagine them laying right on her skin.
I play like there was no tomorrow, mistreating
the bass lines, which are not at fault. The only one
with any fault around here is me. The only asshole
in this place is me. I’m letting myself get all
tangled up in emotions, emotions that I didn’t
think I was capable of feeling until she cried on
my shoulder. Until I felt her hot tears trespass
down onto my chest and dissect my arid heart.
And so I raise my head just as Liam sings the
words: Say the word and I will be your man, your
man.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?
What happened to my self-control and my dignity?
Up here on this stage, in this dump of a place in
this stupid fucking village, screaming with my
heart out of my chest every word that I thought I
could never say in my life.
Two dark scared eyes were enough for me,
coupled as they were with a warm, reassuring
smile and her clear jaunty face. And her closeness,
her tears, her sweetness. Just a few things were
enough for me to realize that I don’t understand
anything about life, that I’ve probably buried it
inside me somewhere, it’s in some kind of deep
ditch at least ten meters down, where all dark souls
like mine go to be buried in a common grave.
And for what? Why would I have done this? To
distance myself from any idea of responsibility, the
possibility to love. To escape from life itself and
hide from myself and from the world.
And what’s it all been for?
Thirty years thrown down the toilet for a pair of
deep sweet eyes. Because that’s what she is, she’s
sincere, and naive, and … because she is who she
is.
The song ends and we go straight into the next
number, but Erin isn’t there anymore, she ran out
in tears, leaving Rain speechless standing there.
And leaving me without a piece of my heart.
11
Erin
It’s Thursday evening and the guys are ready to
play a few songs. They do it every Thursday night,
because there’s enough people there to listen to
them but not so many that they’re needed behind
the counter or waiting tables.
Patrick is in a bad mood and has been avoiding
me all night and has been growling at everyone
else including friends and clients.
I didn’t have the courage to get close; I
understand that telling me those things must have
shaken him. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting it. I
didn’t think Patrick was capable of holding such a
burden inside him.
I thought, like everyone else does, that he was
just a jerk. Instead, he’s a man who’s been hurt and
is disappointed with life. A man nobody ever gave
a chance to, because no one ever opened their
hearts to him.
A man no one ever knew how to love.
There you go: I absolutely shouldn’t care at all
about him, his feelings and what he’s been
carrying around with him or the fact that he
continues to make eyes at every woman on the
planet.
Every woman except me.
It’s never bothered me in the past, but now I just
feel differently. It would bother me to see him go
home with some woman now.
What the heck am I thinking? I must be crazy,
completely taken over by my hormones. The truth
is I’m alone and I need a man next to me that will
help and comfort me, but I know very well that it
cannot be him.
Let’s get it straight: we’re talking about Patrick,
a guy who’s genetically opposed to feelings and
who has refused to enter into every type of bond or
relationship.
A man who has given up on love.
How can it be that two caresses and two words
of comfort would be enough to throw me into total
confusion like this? To forget Nate and everything
we shared?
The problem is that it’s enough for me just to
get lost in the black hole of his eyes to forget every
caress, every kiss, every night I spent with Nate,
and to think of how it could be if Patrick wasn’t a
certified asshole who was disappointed with life
and if I wasn’t pregnant by my ex.
I shake my head and pick up some glasses from
the tables when the guys start their initial song. At
Liam’s first words I start to shake and set the tray
down on another table before everything falls to
the ground.
Say the word and I will be your man, your man.
I breathe in slowly to gain control of my
emotions, but it seems like I’m not the one in
control, they just do whatever they want.
Say when… And my own two hands will comfort
you … Tonigh
t, tonight … Say when … And my
own two arms will carry you … Tonight, tonight. 3
I can’t look at him; I can’t raise my glance right
now because he’d understand immediately what
I’m thinking.
I’m stupid and misguided.
3 Say When, The Fray, The Fray
I got dumped for another woman, I’m pregnant
and what do I do? I’m surprised to feel desire … to
hope what? That he would be interested in me? A
girl who is about to have someone else’s baby?
And then we’re talking about this guy.
Come on Erin, don’t be an idiot.
Maybe he’s already got his eye on someone for
tonight.
And yet, he looked at me. He lifted his splendid
black eyes and I got lost, surrounded by the
devastating warmth they emit.
I break the short contact by turning away and
squeezing my eyes tightly shut. Rain comes
towards me to ask if everything is all right, and I
give her a quick nod to reassure her, but I know
she’s not buying it.
I get out of there as fast as I can, going straight
towards the back. I open the door that leads to my
temporary apartment and run up as the last notes of
the songs keeps time with my tears. I throw myself
on my bed, hiding my head in my pillow, trying to
suffocate my sobs.
My life is already complicated enough as it is, I
don’t need to add any fuel to the fire.
And yet … and yet, he looked at me, not the
others. For once, I felt like I was the center of his
world and the very idea completely terrified me,
because I know him, I know who he is and how he
reacts.
And even if I know that in reality he’s just a
man with a broken heart, I know I’m not the one
for him, just as I know he’s not at all what I need.
Not now, not in the future.
Patrick
As the night ends, it would appear that the brunette
who is all eyes and lips is waiting for me outside
the pub. We both know full well how it’s going to
end up: few words, no complications. That’s what
I need.
I say goodnight to the guys and head toward the
door when Rain grabs my arm.
“You don’t have to do it, Patrick.”
“Do what?”
“You don’t have to pretend with me, with us.
We’re your family, you can just be yourself.”
“I am myself, Rain,” I say with a half smile, not
sure where she’s going with this.
“Sure, honey, of course, if it makes you feel
