by A. S. Kelly
better, you can tell yourself that.”
I start getting nervous and divert my glance. I
don’t want to tell her to fuck off, but I’m getting
pretty close.
“I don’t know what you think you saw or
understood, but I assure you that—”
“When you’re ready,” she interrupts me, “you’ll
see it for yourself. Things don’t always turn out
badly, you know? Love is a sacrifice, it means you
gotta lay your cards down and give to the other
person, but Patrick, what you get in return is
priceless,” she concludes, giving me a kiss on the
cheek and turns away from me, going back to the
others, leaving me like a big fucking asshole
standing in the middle of a room halfway between
two doors: one leads to the upstairs apartment and
the other one leads to the bar exit.
I shake my head and take a step forward, toward
the front door and then stop again. I look down
angrily, clenching my fists.
You don’t have to do it, Patrick, I tell myself.
You’re not obligated to.
The guys are waiting for me near the door.
“You go ahead, I’ll close up,” I say, avoiding
looking at Rain’s satisfied smile.
~ ~ ~
I wasn’t able to be away from her for even twenty-
four hours. I can’t put the brakes on this instinct I
have to be next to her, to make sure she’s all right.
I have a growing and frightening need to protect
her and take care of her.
Slowly, I climb the stairs, hoping and praying
that she’s sleeping, that she’s locked the door and
that she doesn’t hear me knock.
Please, let her refuse my help.
The music coming from inside tells me it’s not
my lucky night.
I knock on the door but I can see it isn’t locked,
so I push it and take a deep breath, asking my
lungs to fill themselves because the sight of her
takes away both my breath and my certainty.
Erin is tidying up the living room. She’s
wearing a pair of sweatpants low on her waist so
that you can see the first signs of her pregnancy. A
faded T-shirt that just covers her rounded belly, her
hair is short, pulled back into an improvised
ponytail that’s not doing its job very well.
She’s singing and moving as if she were
following some dance moves, light and sensual as
I feel one of the pillars of my dignity falling.
I observe her, completely enraptured by this
young woman whose future is all-uphill, but who
has a smile on her face that would placate even a
bear like me.
So I’m surprised to see you with my eyes, the
stereo says, and I swallow my pride hard.
It’s nice to meet you… Nice to meet you4
And it’s the first time my eyes have really seen
her, that they fall upon her sincerely and only
because they want to be filled with her light and
her grace. I look at her as if I were meeting her
now, as if I hadn’t seen her four nights a week for
the last year.
As if I were seeing her for the first time.
And yet, it’s still her, Erin, the girl who works at
the pub. Rain’s friend. The girl who got pregnant
by some bastard who left her for someone else.
4 Nice to Meet You, The Reign of Kindo, Rhythm, Chord & Melody
The girl I never thought I would meet, never
could imagine that I would caress.
The girl that is destroying all of my barriers and
bringing away every piece of me.
12
Erin
“Jesus, Patrick, you scared the shit out of me!
What are you doing here?”
“Sorry, I tried knocking, but the music was too
loud and the door was open, so … I just wanted to
know how you are.”
“Don’t you have anything else to do, huh?” I sit
down, feeling stupid for being jealous.
He doesn’t answer, but comes towards me
slowly, sending all of my senses tilting.
“What!” I ask, just about to explode.
Stupid hormones.
“How’d it go today?”
“Well, you were there too it seems.”
“I’m referring to the medical exam. What did
the doctor tell you?”
“Why are you so interested, Patrick? I mean, I
am thankful for your help and everything, but you
don’t have any obligation to look after me. Don’t
feel like you’ve got to miss out on any dates
because of me.”
“Who told you I had a date?”
He thinks I’m an idiot.
I go to the window where you can see the street
below and pull back the curtain. “Because your
date is down there waiting for you.”
He goes to the window and takes a look. “Well,
I don’t have any dates, not with her or anyone
else.”
“Doesn’t seem like she’s aware of that,” I say,
giving the girl a hard stare.
“I don’t have any date.”
“You don’t need to justify yourself, Patrick. You
have no obligations with me, you’re not the one
who got me pregnant!” I yell, falling into a
hysterical crisis.
I immediately regret my words.
He seems resentful. In his eyes I see anger and
… pain.
“I understand,” he says, raising his hands and
backing off angrily.
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing. Forget it. I just passed by to see if
you’re okay, but evidently I shouldn’t have.”
“You do a lot of things you shouldn’t do.” I
judge him to be insensitive through and through.
I’m angry with him and I have no reason to be.
“Can I ask you what it is I’ve done to you, huh?
Why are you so angry with me? Because of the
other night?”
“I’m not mad at you at all!” I yell even louder
with my hands on my hips.
“Come on, Erin, what’s going on? Up until a
few days ago we were friends…”
I burst out laughing. “Friends? You and I are
nothing, Patrick. Ah, no, excuse me. You are my
boss and I’m a worker, and so you worry about my
health.”
“Is that the problem? We’re back to that?”
I don’t answer, not knowing how to. I’m out of
sorts at his presence and the way he confuses my
ideas. His unexpected sweetness mixed together
with his rude manners. His wanting to be next to
me and then hightailing it out of here as soon as he
let’s himself go a bit.
By all that my heart whispers to me when I
catch a wandering soul in his eyes, and by what
my head yells at me when those same eyes want to
swallow me whole, leaving me nowhere to run.
Patrick runs a hand through his perfectly cut
hair on his perfect head, that’s set on a body that
would be tailor-made to give me perfect orgasms.
That’s it. I’m perfectly out of control.
“You know that’s not
what you are for me,” he
adds, sweetening his voice.
The phrase hangs in the air. A phrase that could
have three thousand different hidden meanings, but
in which I see only one, and it’s the one I should
be seeing.
I shake my head and go back to the window.
The girl isn’t there anymore. She must have heard
our screaming match.
“You missed out,” I say sarcastically. “Your date
left.”
He huffs as he walks over to me.
Oh God.
I breathe in with great effort, begging my lungs
to take on their regular function, but it would seem
that he has consumed all the air in this room,
because it’s as if his big overwhelming presence
here is stealing all of the oxygen that there is in
this apartment and the whole world, because I’m
no longer able to breathe next to him.
“The only company I want tonight is yours,” he
says in a whisper that tickles my neck, waking all
of my senses and accentuating my very evident
emotional state.
I’d like to be able to throw myself into his arms.
Let them embrace me and comfort me. I’d like to
feel his lips on my face, on my mouth and every
centimeter of my skin. I’d like to burn under these
hands that delicately caress my shoulders, but
seem to have an unexpected, magnetic effect on
me, but I know how dangerous this is.
“Let me stay, Erin. Please,” he continues,
resting his forehead on my shoulder.
“Why? I’m not one of your playthings you can
set aside the next day. You can never have a few
hours of sex and a goodbye kiss from me. I’m
pregnant, Patrick! I don’t have time for these
things.”
“You’re right, you’re not some plaything and
you never would be, Erin. Pregnant or not, I would
never think of you in that way.”
I turn slowly, hoping that his hands will stop
making me boil from within.
“Of course not. Because I’m not like the others,
right? I’m not gorgeous, fascinating and maybe a
bit easy?”
“No, you’re not like the others.”
“I’m not enough? Is that what you’re trying to
tell me? That you could spend some time with me
without feeling the desire to fuck me on the couch
until tomorrow morning?”
“No, Erin. I don’t have the desire to throw you
on the couch nor do I think I ever will.”
“Humph. I don’t think that’s a nice
compliment.” I turn away to make some distance
b e t w e e n u s , f e e l i n g t h i s h u m i l i a t i n g
disappointment that is burning me from within.
He rubs my shoulder, sliding his hand down my
arm until he reaches my hand. He gently squeezes
my fingers and I feel my legs giving way due to
the anxiety and sheer emotion I feel.
God, he must be good in bed.
“I wouldn’t fuck you on that couch or on the
floor or in bed or in any other place because you,
Erin, are not a girl who gets fucked and left.”
I hold my breath and try to keep my heart inside
my ribcage.
“You’re a woman to love, Erin. A woman to
make love with, all night. Every night.”
Patrick
In one stupid fucking night I throw away my
whole life. A few looks, a few tears, that’s all it
takes to cut me down like some brainless asshole.
Because I know it’s all wrong. I know I’m all
wrong.
I can’t love someone.
I can’t love her.
I’m not the kind of guy that loves one woman,
and does so for the rest of his life. I’m not the kind
of man who can take care of someone else, much
less myself.
I know how to be a friend; the kind you can
count on to help you out of a jam, someone to
cover your ass, someone to pick you up when
you’re completely drunk.
But I’m not a man who loves and more than
that, I’m not a man to be loved.
It doesn’t bother me that that’s what everyone
thinks. It doesn’t bother me that the whole world
thinks I’m a mother you-know-what.
I don’t want her to think that.
Erin has always been a friend, a hard worker.
She’s a fun girl, smart like no one I know. She’s
not fuckable. I had this idea very clear the first
night she came to work for us. With her ironed
work clothes, her short-styled hair tucked behind
her ears. Her light, yet professional make-up. Her
formal and grammatically correct way of speaking.
I understood very quickly that she’s not the kind of
trashy woman that I would want to take liberties
with. Not even considering that she’d be working
with us, I could not ruin things by taking her to
bed.
And everything was going just fine.
She started bringing around that asshole
boyfriend of hers. I didn’t see him much in the
pub, he didn’t go for that type of atmosphere, but it
was enough to see him a few times to understand
what kind of man she liked and I certainly wasn’t
in that category. I like her, always have, but I put
her in the ‘non fuckable’ category and she
remained there until today, or maybe to be honest,
until a few weeks ago.
I knew it was wrong the minute I set foot in her
life, but really, in the beginning, I just wanted to
lend a hand. She was in a spot, right? And that’s
what I do when somebody’s in trouble, I go to
their rescue.
But then, something inside me broke. I would
even dare to say it melted. My heart, trapped in a
block of ice, started moving without curing me of
the disaster that it would provoke in me.
Because she’s alone and vulnerable. And she’s
about to have some other man’s baby. I happen to
know what it’s like to raise a family just with your
own resources. “You don’t get the urge to throw
me on the couch and fuck me ’til tomorrow?” she
said to me.
How could she even think something like that?
Did I ever make her think this is how I thought
of her? Of course I desire her, but I couldn’t do it,
and not only because I’m a bastard. I want her
because I’d like her, now, with everything that
entails.
And so it is that the words come flowing out. I
have no idea where they come from. Listening to
her use the work ‘fuck’ almost gives me the
shivers. I can’t stand hearing her talk in that crude
way. I can’t stand the idea that she even thinks that
way.
“I wouldn’t fuck you on that couch or on the
floor or in bed or any other place because you,
Erin, are not a girl who gets fucked and left.
You’re a woman to love, Erin. A woman to make
love with, all night. Every night.”
Now I feel like Liam. And to think I m
ade fun
of him so badly all this time.
I was an idiot. Not him, not the others.
I’m the one who is wrong.
“You’re delirious, Patrick. You’re confusing
me!”
She musses her unruly hair before covering her
face with her hands. “Please, go away,” she says in
a determined tone.
“I’d like to stay,” I say on the verge of the
abyss.
“Why are you doing this? Why now? Now that
I’m … oh forget it!”
“Now that you’re going to have a baby? Is that
what you’re trying to say? Do you think it makes a
difference to me?”
“Uh, well, it should, because it’s important to
me, Patrick. It’s the only thing that matters. I can’t
afford to be distracted by you or by anyone else.”
“It’s important to you? So that means…” I close
the distance between us, hoping to catch her eye.
“You’ve decided to keep it?”
She lets her hands fall to her sides and looks me
right in the eye.
“Now that you know, you can go. There’s
nothing for you here.”
Maybe she doesn’t understand.
“I already knew you would keep him. I know
you, Erin, better than you may think.”
I take her hand and invite her to sit with me on
the couch, so that we’re facing each other.
“I couldn’t do it, not after hearing its heartbeat.”
Her eyes fill with tears. “It’s my baby, do you
understand?”
Of course I understand. More than she knows.
“Now I imagine you’ll want to hightail it out of
here.”
I shake my head and take her chin in my
fingers.
“You can’t imagine how wrong you are, Erin.”
“I can’t, don’t you understand? I can’t let you
get close to me, not now, especially not now. Not
knowing that you could leave in any given
moment. I need someone who stays all night and
doesn’t leave the next day. And you, Patrick, are
one who leaves in the middle of the night with the
bed still hot.”
“I could…”
She shuts me up by placing a finger on my lips.
“We both know it’s not because of you. I thank
you for you’re being here and your help, but no.
I’m trying to recover from my break-up with Nate
and I have to get used to all the newness of the
situation, the changes and I don’t have these kinds
of things in mind.”
I have to ask her because my jealousy is slowly
consuming me and it’s something new that I’ve
