by A. S. Kelly
never felt before.
“Are you still in love with him?”
She sighs sadly. “I stopped loving him the day
he told me he went to bed with someone else.”
God, what a relief. I didn’t think I could be
affected so badly by jealousy.
“I don’t want anything from you, I swear.
Nothing that you might be thinking. I just want to
be near you.”
“Really? Why?”
“Because this is where I want to be.”
She nods and rests her back against the couch.
Then she smiles and with that smile goes another
big piece of my dignity.
What the hell do what you want with my
dignity? I don’t care if you use it to make a dog
bed.
“I’m hungry,” she says out of the blue as if
nothing we’ve said ’til now had any importance.
“I’m always hungry. I’m dying of hunger. And I
don’t know how to cook,” she confesses, making a
pouty face like a naughty little girl. “I always eat
the same garbage.”
‘We can fix that,” I say, swallowing a victorious
smile as I start to breathe a bit easier.
13
Erin
I go to the back room to get a few bottles of
whiskey that are needed at the bar, confident there
is no one there, but then I am blocked by a few
voices at the door. I know I shouldn’t listen in on
the guys’ conversations, but Patrick’s voice makes
me stop dead in my tracks.
“Guys, I don’t know if I can get away just now.”
“You?” Jay speaks. “Just you with nothing to tie
you down, you who can’t wait to jump in a new
saddle? Don’t bullshit us, Patrick. You’re the only
one who has nothing to lose.”
Patrick doesn’t answer but remains silent for a
few minutes.
“Is there something you want to tell us?” Liam
asks.
I sneak a bit closer to see as well as hear what’s
going on. Patrick shakes his head and moves,
getting ready to leave the room. When he raises his
glance he sees me and stops at the storage room
door.
“Excuse me, guys,” I say embarrassed, realizing
that by now they’ve all seen me. “I didn’t want to
disturb you, but I need to grab a few things,” I
mutter nervously gesturing with my hands. I can
feel I’m about to start crying again for no good
reason.
“No problem,” Patrick cuts it short. “You didn’t
interrupt anything, we’re done here.”
I look down at my hands because I can’t look at
any of them.
“Hey, is everything okay?” Jay asks, looking
first at me and then at Patrick.
“Perfect,” I say with a strained voice. “Maybe
I’ll come back later.” I turn to go back into the bar
but Patrick blocks me.
“Wait, Erin, let me go with you.”
Without waiting for him, I hurry back because I
do not want to listen to his explanations, if indeed
he had any intention of giving me any. After all,
why should he? He’s free, independent and with no
bonds. He doesn’t have to explain anything to me.
“Erin.” His voice is sweet and strained and even
if I somehow feel betrayed and in a certain sense
disappointed, I cannot resist that tone of voice,
which disarms me.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, Patrick, it’s
your life.”
“I’d like to explain.”
“Instead, you shouldn’t,” I say with decision but
without having the nerve to look at him and
keeping him behind me. “You don’t owe me
anything. I’m not your problem,” I conclude,
before going back to the dining hall, leaving my
heart on the pavement.
~ ~ ~
“London?” I ask meekly.
Rain brings me up to date on the situation. Even
if I was able to infer something from their
discussion, I didn’t want to hear Patrick’s version
of it.
“A manager called them for a meeting. He
seems interested in their music.”
“Oh,” I say, surprised. I didn’t know anything
about it, and yet Patrick spent all night at my
house last night. Didn’t he think to let me know
about it?
“It could mean a big change, you know … they
might be away for a while and we’d have to call in
more help here.”
“I understand.”
I understand very well. All those words, that
story about wanting to be close to me … what a
jackass.
“Everything alright?”
“Yes, everything’s fine, Rain. I’m going to get
the tables ready for tonight.”
I need to get away because Rain can see right
through me and I’m not up to it right now that my
disappointment’s burning my eyes and massacring
my heart. And to think I believed it. For one night
I believed his words and started hoping.
He made me pancakes and created a stupid
smile out of Nutella on them, covered them with
whipped cream and made me some tea. We
laughed in front of the TV until I fell asleep on the
couch. He took me in his arms and brought me to
bed and gave me a kiss on my forehead, wishing
me goodnight. And tonight I dreamt that that
stupid kiss on the forehead was something more. I
woke up in a great mood today, like I was me
again, like I could make it. And now, I’m right
back where I started.
Damned men.
Damned Patrick.
Damned fool I am.
~ ~ ~
What a miserable night. I’m having a hard time
keeping up with orders and I took more breaks
than necessary in order to keep going all night.
Rain sent me up an hour before closing, worried
about me. She thinks I’m tired, that I’m pushing it
too much. The truth is that my chest hurts and I
have a weight on my heart that’s as big as a
mountain, again, and that I should not have
deceived myself.
Patrick left this morning at dawn, at least that’s
what Rain told me. The guys will be gone for a
few days. A record-house manager contacted them
and asked them to come out and play a few pieces.
This could be a new beginning for them and a
massive disappointment for me. After our brief
discussion yesterday afternoon, I avoided him at
all costs last night and closed the apartment door
and locked it. So he couldn’t come ask me to talk
about it again.
I get into bed, hugging a silly stuffed animal my
father gave me when I was eight years old, and
which I’ve never given up. I hug it tightly, looking
for warmth and comfort, but it’s only a stuffed
animal and not able to give me what I want from a
pair of strong tattooed arms.
Then I let myself fall into a tormented sleep,
made of dark, falling stairs, vertigo that swa
llows
me up in an immense nothingness.
I don’t know how long I slept, I only know I can
feel a fresh hand on my forehead that is refreshing
against a hammering headache I’ve had since I fell
asleep.
As I open my eyes, I blink a few times until I’m
able to focus on the image in front of me. I try to
speak but my voice doesn’t come out and I start
crying, which has sort of become my daily bread.
“Shh … don’t cry, everything’s fine,” Patrick
tells me.
“Wha … what are you doing here?”
“I didn’t want to wake you, I’m sorry, I just
passed by to see how you were doing.”
“I thought you were in London,” I say,
confused.
“I’m back,” he says, giving me a melancholy
smile.
“But surely you only left this morning?”
“Uh, yes, well, I remembered something I had
to do.”
I pull myself up to a sitting position and rest my
back on the headboard.
“It was something that is so important I had to
come back right away.”
“And what’s that?” I ask, still confused.
“This,” he says, before taking my face in his
hands and drawing in close to my lips. Then he
brushes them so slightly that I barely feel his touch
but the heat from his breath penetrates the barriers
of my mind, making me give in to the inevitable.
Patrick kisses my lips, little short kisses that
make me afraid I’ll start crying again. Then he
stops and looks me in the eyes, giving me one of
those sweet looks, sensual and intense, that drag
me with him into the abyss.
“Is it alright?” he asks gazing at me with
penetrating eyes and talking in an impassioned
voice.
I nod.
I forget that I’m pregnant by another man and
every probable consequence that will happen the
moment that he put his lips on mine again, inviting
me to open them and let him in.
And I do it, stupidly irrespective of the big
damage we’re doing to each other, because it’s
Patrick, because he came back for me, because
he’s strong and sexy and I want to feel every beat
of his heart inside me.
His hot tongue tickles mine, which follows right
after his meeting the warmth of his mouth, which
is in contrast with his cold metal piercing, which I
hated from the first day, but that I now adore as if
it were the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen.
And we kiss each other for who knows how
long, as he caresses my face, dries my tears and
gives me a night of infinite sweetness and warmth,
holding me to his bare chest and where I am
finally able to relax without descending into the
darkness, without falling and without fear.
Patrick
The episode of the manager and the meeting was a
huge mistake. I can’t believe I left her alone now,
just after having asked her to let me get close.
Where the hell was my head when I accepted this
whole plan?
Sure, I’ve always been the one to push the band
to get back together, to play music, it’s true. I’m
the one who always hoped there’d be more for us
than just playing at the pub and this stupid fucking
one-horse town. I was the one who wanted Four
Reasons To Die to have another chance. Music has
always been our dream and I never understood
why Liam was so reluctant in the beginning.
I do now.
And when I started feeling a knot tightening in
my throat that was threatening to suffocate me in
that studio full of people with instruments and
serious expressions, I understood that I was in the
wrong place with the wrong people.
I walked out of that room, called a taxi and went
straight to the airport. I got on the next available
flight for Dublin and came home.
I came back to her.
After the other night, in which I did everything
but make a move, I can’t believe I was able to go
get that stupid flight without having told her how
much I dreamed about brushing her lips and
kissing her until we were both breathless.
And I swear that’s it.
All the rest isn’t important for now. Now I just
want to taste her and leave my flavor in her mouth
and in her head so that she won’t be able to forget
it.
I let Aaron, Jay and Liam carry on for
themselves. I’m a shitty friend and an even worse
musician, because I feel like I’ve thrown
everyone’s dreams to the wind and I don’t give a
damn and I don’t regret it.
I don’t know how the guys are going to take it,
or the manager or the guys who work for the
recording studio. They’ll probably ask for my
head.
So be it.
I really couldn’t care less.
Because I have to stay here.
With her.
I pay the taxi driver, leaving him the entire
wallet of money as he yells after me. What does he
want, what do I care? I need to run to the upstairs
apartment now, before it’s too late, before she
thinks I’ve abandoned her.
I race upstairs, the door is closed but I was
smart and brought the reserve keys with me. I open
the door and look around, everything is dark and
silent. So I go to the room where she’s sleeping,
clutching a stuffed animal that looks like it’s seen
better days.
I approach her and sit on the bed. I take a deep
breath and encourage myself not to be a coward, to
dive in without overthinking it, even if that means
not having future resentment after she has
shattered my heart to a million pieces
Then I gently rub her forehead with my hand
and she moves in her sleep. She opens and closes
her eyes a few times before realizing what’s
happening.
I tell her that I’ve forgotten to do something
important that couldn’t be put off. So I lean in and
take her face in my hands. I taste her lips, so
slowly that I’m barely able to get the flavor. Then I
look at her with my eyes and my whole face,
because I’m here for her, to kiss her, comfort her
or just to let her cry on my shoulder. And I would
like to tell her that I’d be willing to make her
pancakes every night of her life just to share this
moment together.
I kiss her and tie my tongue to hers and begin
playing with it, letting her feel the metal of my
piercing which I know she’ll like. She puts her
hand on the back of my head and gently rubs it and
I almost lose my breath at that touch because it’s
intimate, intense and important.
All of this is damned important.
Even if I’d like to run as far away as possible
because I’m scared of what’s happening to me, I’m
terrified and I con
fess that it makes me shake like
a child at his first dentist appointment. I’m staying,
because there’s no other place I’d rather be, there’s
no other place where I could feel every emotion
and every heartbeat directly from the heart.
There’s no other place that I could know that
love, perhaps, does exist.
We kiss until we’re both breathless. I don’t
know if it’s because of the kiss or the fact that I’ve
been holding my breath since I touched down in
Dublin, or the fact that I’m seriously having
trouble getting air in my lungs. So, I lay her down,
wrap her in my arms and keep her safe.
All night, and all those nights to come.
If she wants me.
I squeeze her and give her the sense of security
she needs to face what’s happening to her. I hold
her to me, leaving her to breathe on my bare chest
and let her take my shitty soul, that left alone with
me would have been destined to burn in hell.
And I let her fall asleep like that, while I don’t
make a move, paralyzed by her presence, her
sweetness and her ability to melt a heart in
hibernation like mine.
I don’t close my eyes all night. I want to stay
awake, ready. I don’t want to miss even one of her
breaths.
I place my hands on her round abdomen and an
emotion I’ve never felt before strikes me directly
in the heart. I caress her skin slowly and inhale as
much air as possible to find the courage to go
ahead with this thing, not to pull back, not to hit
the road running as usual.
I want to be there.
I want to remain here.
This time I want to hear everything and take all
that she’s got to give.
I never thought I would have given in like this,
not in a million years.
And yet, here I am, with no shield, no mask and
no weapons.
I’m naked in front of her with my heart on my
sleeve, vulnerable and all I can do is hope that
she’ll be careful with it, like I will be careful with
hers.
14
Erin
Patrick left the apartment early this morning,
telling me that he would be back at lunchtime and
that he wanted to take me someplace. I don’t know
what I’m doing and maybe neither does he, but I
find myself in front of the mirror trying to make
myself look presentable, hiding the bags under my
eyes with a little bit of concealer. Getting dressed
was even harder. I’m only at the beginning of my
